I hate them more and more each day

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How do you deal with a BPD exgf and her BPD mom who covers her trackes non stop.trying to get the truth is crazy.she took me to court for more nights with my son and she just uses her mom as a baby sitter.her mom then lies to me help

[Hostage1234]

How do you deal with a BPD exgf and her BPD mom who covers her trackes non stop.trying to get the truth is crazy.she took me to court for more nights with my son and she just uses her mom as a baby sitter.her mom then lies to me help

[Mutt]

How do you deal with a BPD exgf and her BPD mom who covers her trackes non stop.trying to get the truth is crazy.she took me to court for more nights with my son and she just uses her mom as a baby sitter.her mom then lies to me help

You're frustrated with your exes controlling behaviors and her mother hostage1234 You're facing antagonists that distort and disassociate and they always seem to win. I share a similar experience with an ex Queen and I want to tell you that there is hope.

You lost parenting time with your child hostage1234 to your ex. Do you have Right To First Refusal? The behavior your ex is displaying is control and it has nothing to with a childs right for unconditional love for their parent. How many kids do you have and how old?

What happened in court that you lost parenting time and she got more? I'm so sorry   Going to court with a BPDex is the hardest thing to do, you can protect and defend yourself and not get caught up in their FOG. It's not impossible, they have patterns that they are oblivious to.

[Matt]

Is there a court order establishing custody and parenting time?

What does it say?

[Hostage1234]

I see my son twice a week and on weekends I hate getting angry and not being able to trust and that is who they have made me so I guess they one.

[Matt]

Does the court order say what days and times you should have the child?

[david]

I used to get angry with my ex. I used to try to reason with my ex and get frustrtaed. I used to vent to my friends when ex did something I thought was really crazy and/or nasty. None of that helped our two boys.

Eventually I accepted that ex was what she was and wasn't going to change. I then started feeling sorry for her.

I no longer have feelings towards her ione way or the other. It is what it is. I stay focused on our two boys. This may sound a little crazy but if ex didn't do the things she did I wouldn't have as good a relationship with our boys as I do now. It would have been good but not this good. I learned how to listen and validate them better than I did before. I have SS's and I have a great relationmship with them too. The way I look at it now is ex is gonna do what ex is gonna do and I am gonna do what I am gonna do.

I only communicate through email with ex and that eliminated a lot of the conflict. I learned to ignore the vitriol spewed in my direction.

Having a custody agreement court ordered or at least in writing goes a long way.

In the meantime document everything you can. It may come in handy down the road.

My ex left in 2007 so I have been dealing with this for over 7 years. It does get better.

[Hostage1234]

I just did that I blocked my number so she can't txt me anymore I told her only email I'm really worried about my son he's only 3 and scared he might have BPD cause of them

[Mutt]

I see my son twice a week and on weekends I hate getting angry and not being able to trust and that is who they have made me so I guess they one.

You feel like you are defeated and this is a difficult road. It's tough but it is manageable and you will find that you will get control of your life back. It takes time, it's a process.

I just did that I blocked my number so she can't txt me anymore I told her only email I'm really worried about my son he's only 3 and scared he might have BPD cause of them

Communicating by email is a good start and I recommend to communicate this way only. You can track everything that is said for your records. You need to document everything. You may find yourself feeling triggered when there is an accusatory, blaming and dissassociative email that is sent from ex. It takes time to get to a place where you feel less anger, I recommend stepping off such emails from ex until you get there. You don't want to fire off something in a triggered state, you might say something that you may regret later on. Not everything needs a response and you may notice that your ex is asking the same thing after you gave a response. Wait for an hour, wait for a day to respond. Is she sending email bombs or hostile email?

[Hostage1234]

We'll I tried the email but she refuses she says we have a son we need to txt by phone .so on purpose she doest responded to my emails and forces me to txt her

[Mutt]

We'll I tried the email but she refuses she says we have a son we need to txt by phone .so on purpose she doest responded to my emails and forces me to txt her

My ex didn't like it either, because she's not in control. Boundaries. If she called, I would reply by email and I advised her that the phone is emergencies for the kids only. She followed suit. It's up to us to maintain our boundaries. She tests them from time to time but she understands it's email only. There's no need to talk to my ex on the phone, it's 2014 and there are other ways.

Tell her you won't respond to text either, she'll send them but reply back with email. Let her know where the line is. She has the emotional level of a child and flails against boundaries. You will be surprised if you maintain steel boundaries. Get your L to get it in custody order with email communication if you have to. It's going to be difficult now but you don't want to deal with a controlling disordered person for years. Short term pain, long term gain.

[david]

I went to email communication only a few years back. I actually got rid of texting on my phone. I don't answer my phone when she calls and let it go to voicemail. If she leaves a message that pertains to our boys I reply in email. Over time ex figured out I was serious.

Two years ago I started getting all kinds of calls from numbers that were not in my phonebook. I answered and it was ex. I stopped answering my cell unless I recognized the number. She still called from various numbers and left voicermails. I had about 5 or 6 numbers that she left voicemails from. I would put each identified number in my phonebook. When she realized that wasn't working either she stopped. I was able to get it in our court order that all communication is to be done through email. She still doesn't follow the order but she has gotten better.

We just completed a custody eval and her number one complaint is I will not talk to her. I explained I follow the court order. She verbally attacked me several times at the eval meetings and I did not react to anything she said. I did respond to things simply saying it was not true. The evaluator didn't ask for more so I figured he got it.

I was sitting in the room with her attacking me. I was thinking that this was good for me since I was able to maintain my composure. I also realized she left in 2007 and is still emotionally wrapped up in whatever she is wrappped up in. She hasn't moved on. That's a long time to be stuck and then I realized she has been stuck for 40 plus years.

[Matt]

On my phone, if you press two buttons at the same time - the "Power" button and the "Home" button - you get a screen capture - a picture of whatever was on the phone's screen at that moment.  Then I can e-mail that picture to myself, so I have a picture on my computer of what was showing on my phone.  This way I can keep a record of text messages - there are other ways to do it but I like this one.

If my ex sent me any threatening or inappropriate texts, that's what I would do - document what she sent and when.  But only respond by e-mail, if at all.

Nobody can force you to text her or take her calls.

[mywifecrazy]

I went to e-mail only communication with my uBPDxw and it has saved me a LOT of stress and anxiety.

She didn't like it and actually LIED saying her phone doesn't get emails for a couple of hours. I just laughed to myself  and ignored her lie as she has resonded to my emails within minutes when it's something she needs . Thank God for BPD Family because I would have bought this lie HOOK LINE AND SINKER when I was still in the FOG   Anyway I have my X phone blocked so I don't get any calls or texts on my cell. I only UNBLOCK it every other weekend when she has the boys in case there's an emergency. She didn't like this at first either but now has accepted it. She also knows that I don't answer the house phone when she calls. If the kids want to talk to her they will pick up. Most of the times they just let it's ring.

It's sad that it had to come to this (NC or EXTREME LC) but it's the ONLY way for me. I just can't deal with the lies and manipulation anymore, I NEED MY SANITY!

[JohnLove]

Hello hostage1234. I have 3 children with an uBPDex. We went through court for 7 years on and off (mainly on). I have 3 children. The eldest aligned with uBPDex. I have read your posts. There is a sense of madness in these proceedings... .and thats with "normal" people. Stay strong.

Hi Matt. Android smartphones will do a screen capture by simultaneously holding power and home. Not much use if your pwBPD sends long winded messages like mine did.

Although call history is maintained, folks at Google either forgot to back up SMS or thought people wouldn't want to keep short messages... .or maybe there are privacy issues?.

A much better and fully automated method is to install an app like SMSBackup+ from the Google Play Store. It is free. It creates an new folder in your GMail account called SMS. It then backs up your SMS messages to your GMail account automatically. They are all there, time and date stamped, content searchable, backed up on Google servers, and ready for printing if needed.

[Matt]

A much better and fully automated method is to install an app like SMSBackup+ from the Google Play Store. It is free. It creates an new folder in your GMail account called SMS. It then backs up your SMS messages to your GMail account automatically. They are all there, time and date stamped, content searchable, backed up on Google servers, and ready for printing if needed.

Wow - this sounds super-helpful!

(I don't text with my ex, but if you're going to do that, having a paper trail could be important.)

[livednlearned]

There's also an app called PhoneView for iPhones. It backs up everything, and it displays text messages exactly as they appear on the phone with the text bubbles. I gave my ex's number his full name so whenever a text shows up, it says his full name. The judge regularly reads N/BPDx's text and email messages, so I like to make it easy for him.   

[AlonelyOne]

I highly recommend that you check your settings. My last update set my SMS messaging to only store the last 20 texts. I've since changed that to 5000.

I also have an app called "SMS Backup & Restore".  It will save a record of ALL your SMS in a file in XML format.  And

<sms protocol="0" address="+19999999999" date="1385856645000" type="1" subject="null" body="GPS  knows the way" toa="null" sc_toa="null" service_center="+19999999999" read="1" status="-1" locked="0" date_sent="1385856645000" readable_date="Nov 30, 2013 7:10:45 PM" contact_name="Name" />

And with a simple XSL stylesheet added to the output it is extremely easy to search the records. (If anyone needs, I can send them the file.)

But then you have an archive of ALL your texts just like email.

[AlonelyOne]

I too have decided to cut off ALL phone conversation.  After the other day she accused me of constantly screaming at her on the phone. I haven't yelled or really even raised my voice since she informed me of the divorce - no point. So utter lies. (And that came in a batch of accusations.)

And that email followed me going out of my way to get her some coffee and bring it to her work.  (WTH was I thinking? Why do we do those sort of things still?)