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Author Topic: How to deal with never knowing when to believe a spouse?  (Read 371 times)
LilHurt420
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 138


« on: July 01, 2014, 10:43:48 AM »

It's eating me alive that I never know when I can believe my husband or not.  Even in small everyday little things.  I try to pick my battles and only question things that would make a big deal, but I find myself questioning everything in my head.  Then I'm not sure if it's me just questioning everything because he's always been a liar in the past or if I truly have reason to question everything.  He was up all night last night and I noticed he went through my phone (yet he's the one with questionable behavior and a long history of cheating), I question why he deleted all our messages but he changes the subject to something I had to answer (about car insurance) and of course if I bring it back up he'll start a battle over how I'm more concerned with him deleting messages than our car insurance (which has sky rocketed because he's been in an at fault accident that he "doesn't remember" and has gotten 2 tickets in the last year).

He took my car the other night and there are 3 rows of seats, our sons car seat was in the 3rd row so no need to move it if anyone was in the back. I questioned that and of course he makes up answers and I was told he had to drop off a bunch of his friends and someone had to sit in 3rd row (yet the seat was all the way up when I put our sons car seat back I even had to move it so his legs could fit and he's only 5).

I feel like I live in a fantasy world since I can't believe anything he says or does.  What is the right way to deal with this?  Do I keep calling him out or just let him get away with it all for the sake of keeping the peace?  He HATES being called out and always has an answer (which I can always tell when it's a lie) or ignores and diverts the question.

I'm pregnant right now and find myself hating life with him and almost plotting for once this child is old enough I can escape.  When things are good of course I think about spending the rest of my life with him.  But when things are bad I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this, and I've been thinking that more often lately.  Not knowing what to believe and not to believe.  He acts like he's transparent and like he lets me in, but like I said I can never believe anything he says anyways.  He's lived a double life before and claims he doesn't anymore.  Although his behavior in being home has changed now, I still some how feel like he lives a double life since I can't believe him.

I'm just feeling so low today
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November_Rain

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 49


« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2014, 01:53:40 PM »

Yes I know exactly how you feel. My husband of only 8 months started out as the most honest person I had ever met. Now he lies about everything. Even if I bring him proof of an outright lie, he always has an excuse. Then the story will change later to something I did wrong and he will say I am lying about what he did. I am currently 4 mos. pregnant and he blames everything on me being so emotional. This is my third child so I know I am not being too emotional. When someone lies to you constantly and betrays you that breeds mistrust. I wish I had the answers for you, but then maybe I wouldn't be here if I did. Lately I am trying a new technique which is just to let him lie and pray about it. I pray that God will make him feel so guilty that he will either stop what he has been doing or that he will confess to me the truth. Hope this helps.
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KBNML

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 15


« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2014, 06:53:47 PM »

I know how you gals feel My BPDw does the same things. For most of her lies I can tell by how many details are in the statements. If i'm not sure I will ask a question for more info, she will dance around it or get mad that I need to know very detail of her life. That normal means she is not telling me the truth. My other option is wait a few days and ask about it again, or until she brings it back up. Normal the story changes or facts change in it.

I have yet to be able to find a liars tell that works with your. I think they are not there because she believes that it is the truth, now that I know more about BPD.

I have not had any success on curbing this behavior. She at times admits to doing it her whole life. I find it to be very painful and Lately have been dealing with it at T appointments. She has stated that at times it is to avoid having to say something that she knows will hurt me. I'm trying to understand why it is important for me to hear the truth all the time, to take the emotion out of the statements.

Good Searching for your keys!

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stuckgirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: engaged but not living together
Posts: 112



« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2014, 07:18:26 PM »

It's eating me alive that I never know when I can believe my husband or not.  Even in small everyday little things.  I try to pick my battles and only question things that would make a big deal, but I find myself questioning everything in my head.  Then I'm not sure if it's me just questioning everything because he's always been a liar in the past or if I truly have reason to question everything.  He was up all night last night and I noticed he went through my phone (yet he's the one with questionable behavior and a long history of cheating), I question why he deleted all our messages but he changes the subject to something I had to answer (about car insurance) and of course if I bring it back up he'll start a battle over how I'm more concerned with him deleting messages than our car insurance (which has sky rocketed because he's been in an at fault accident that he "doesn't remember" and has gotten 2 tickets in the last year).

He took my car the other night and there are 3 rows of seats, our sons car seat was in the 3rd row so no need to move it if anyone was in the back. I questioned that and of course he makes up answers and I was told he had to drop off a bunch of his friends and someone had to sit in 3rd row (yet the seat was all the way up when I put our sons car seat back I even had to move it so his legs could fit and he's only 5).

I feel like I live in a fantasy world since I can't believe anything he says or does.  What is the right way to deal with this?  Do I keep calling him out or just let him get away with it all for the sake of keeping the peace?  He HATES being called out and always has an answer (which I can always tell when it's a lie) or ignores and diverts the question.

I'm pregnant right now and find myself hating life with him and almost plotting for once this child is old enough I can escape.  When things are good of course I think about spending the rest of my life with him.  But when things are bad I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this, and I've been thinking that more often lately.  Not knowing what to believe and not to believe.  He acts like he's transparent and like he lets me in, but like I said I can never believe anything he says anyways.  He's lived a double life before and claims he doesn't anymore.  Although his behavior in being home has changed now, I still some how feel like he lives a double life since I can't believe him.

I'm just feeling so low today

Hi lilhurt  Smiling (click to insert in post) i know how you feel too. Smiling (click to insert in post)

My uBPD fiance is an expert liar,most of the time he is telling the truth but over the months of r/s i notice that that if i ask him about something he knows to be wrong and he knows that i find it wrong to yet he has done it,for example,calling an ex girlfriend,his tel tale signs are that instead of being in his confident,extroverted personality,he gets defensive,and slightly angry at me,these subtle differences in changes of reaction will,and can tell a lot.

Try asking him straight up about something you know he wont be dishonest about and notice how he behaves.

Later then ask him straight up about something you're thinking might be a lie.

Follow your instincts.

Also,look up 'signs of lying' i know its a bit stalkerish', but it might help you.

Do hope you find this helpful.

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Fanie
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Life Partners
Posts: 181



« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2014, 06:21:16 AM »

(Quote: anythingtostopthepain.com)

One of the most searched-upon subjects in this blog (and talked about in our ATSTP Google Group) is the subject of lying by someone with BPD. The nons are confused by untruthfulness on the part of someone with BPD and wonder how the person with BPD can have any credibility or trustworthiness when, clearly, they continue to tell bold-faced lies. In my response to a recent poster within the ATSTP group, I recently made a new revelation about truthfulness and lying by someone with BPD.

I have long said that someone will lie when telling to truth would cause more emotional suffering than lying would. However, that statement seems to indicate that there is a level of calculation when the lies arise. It infers that someone, when actually telling the lie, is deciding beforehand whether to tell the truth or not. For people with BPD, feelings = facts. It is not the events that matter to them, but how they feel about these events that truly matter.

So, two things have come to mind for me in this regard. One is that the experience of “reality” is filtered through those feelings and the person with BPD will reflect how they feel about them. If they have strong feelings about what has happened, they will actually experience things in a different manner than those of us who are rational in the face of the same events. It can hardly be called a lie in some ways because it is how they experienced reality. I lsitened to an audio CD on Buddhist a while back and there was a statement made that went like this: An artist doesn’t paint a picture and then put his “style” into the painting. He paints the picture through the lens of his style. That is how he or she sees the world. The same seems to be true for people with BPD and their emotions (rather than style).

The second thing that came to mind is the actual telling of the lie to a particular person. If someone with BPD feels that, by telling the truth, his or her feelings will be invalidated and judged by the other person, they will lie either by admission or by omission. If they don’t feel safe sharing the “truth” (and to them the truth is their feelings, not the events/behaviors themselves), they will not trust the other person with their feelings. In order to get a more truthful report from a person with BPD, one has to learn to listen to the feelings and not judge those feelings – which is extremely invalidating to the person with BPD and at the core of their “personhood” (since their feelings are immediate and strong and block out other more “objective” views of the situation). If you can listen to the feelings and validate those (for feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE), I suspect you will get much more truth out of a person with BPD. But the truth you will receive is the truth for them, which is, of course, their feelings about an event. Still, once you start actually hearing and validating these, the level of trust accorded to you by the person with BPD will go up measurably.

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