Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of snapping.

[misuniadziubek]

I spend weekends with my uBPDbf. I try to maintain as calm an environment with him as I can,  but all the fights and arguments are wearing me down to the point that I'm not as resilient to his mood swings and I find myself so frustrated I take it out on him and just cause bigger problems.

Like take Saturday for example. We wake up and things are fine. He's working on his car. He starts complaining about the guy I previously dated. I make a silly joke. He gets mad. I assume that I went too far with the joke and that I offended him. He tells me to just go, that he can't stand me. He stops talking to me. I'm slightly confused. I made a joke about our sex life. He shouldn't be this mad. I give him some space, then I attempt to apologise. He's not having any of it. He goes off on how if that's how I really feel, then why am I with him. I try to explain that it's not. I was just making a joke. A very dumb one, but it's meaningless. Thirty exhausting minutes later, eventually he calms down on his own and things seem to be back to normal. We go off to spend a few hours with his friends. Things are wonderful and enjoyable and pretty much perfect.

We head back sometime before midnight. I'm tired and he has a pretty bad burn on his left hand from the night before that he decided not to wrap up in anything. He starts to be his version of affectionate, which consists of badgering me until I pop. Pinching, licking, slaps on the head. All while driving a car. He has a burn on his hand so I'm the one that has to be 'careful'. He puts his arm around my head and starts to rub my hair until it causes me pain. I attempt to get loose and pull his hand away. I end up hurting his hand somehow. He gets angry and talks about how he can't even touch me without me hurting him. I point out that he should avoid playing those sorts of games when he has an injured hand since at some point I do have to defend myself. He goes off how this is the third time today and how it's like I do it on purpose to hurt him, and how once or twice is understandable but by the 20th time it's ridiculous. That he literally can't get near me. I reply that maybe he shouldn't then. (This happens every time because of him physically picking on me.) He gets even madder at that response.

We come home, he wraps his hand up in a bandage and keeps repeatedly complaining that because I can't be careful, he has to wrap his hand and it hurts to do that and it will stick to the burn. He tells me he's just not gonna touch me anymore, since that was 'my solution'. I said it so that's that. I'm doing my best to ignore it, but I wanted so badly to just come home after a busy day and cuddle up in bed and perhaps do a little more, and because of this hand thing, instead he's pissed off and taking it out on me.

He then starts off about how he's never interested in me anymore because everytime we have a good day, at the end of the night we get into arguments and I mess everything up and he no longer wants to be with me. That he was hoping to do fun stuff once we were alone and now we can't. That things are supposedly fine but then I say stuff like how my ex was a much better guy than him and that I should probably just go back to him instead (Wait... .what?) How over time he has lost interest in me and doesn't even want to have sex with me anymore or be intimate.

I'm at my wits end. I pretty much explode with "and whose fault is all of that?"  and how he can't handle not pinching and playing around with me, knowing he has an injured hand. How I've wanted to have sex all day as well. Something along those lines. I don't really remember the things I say when I explode like that. It's a very short burst that's been pretty much building up all day.

He tells me to f*** off, slams the door, and when I try to follow him, tells me to get the hell out of his face. He jumps in his car and drives off. I try to follow him but my car battery is dead. I try to text him but I get no response. I finally call his cell phone, he answers and tells me that he got stopped by a cop because his muffler on his car fell off and he's not sure if he isn't getting a ticket. I tell him to just get home safely and that I love him. 

He gets back, still super angry. He goes off on a rant how he doesn't even want to be near me. That we are probably over. That this is the same stuff that happened with all of his previous exes that signaled the end of the relationship, not even wanting to be near the person. (This is utter bull___, mostly due to the nature of his previous relationships, and mostly that he's said similar things since the 2nd month of us being together) I also realise at this point that when I made that joke earlier in the day, he had understood it as me saying that my ex-bf was so much better as a boyfriend than he is. I try to explain that to him, but firstly he brushes it off to me lying to make things better and then when he does realise what I meant, he asserts that it's still a terrible thing to say.

I'm upset beyond words at this point. I'm broken all over again and crying. I just apologize for exploding. I tell him that it was just my frustration talking, that I didn't mean what I said. That it's just anger and that I love him. I try to get close to him, but he repeatedly pushes me away. I am too upset to fall asleep. I ask him if he needs to wake up at a certain time tomorrow morning. He doesn't respond. I try to go out of the room to calm down but he stops me and tells me to just calm down and go to bed.

So I calm down eventually and I do what I've always done in these situations. I get closer to him, and I hug him. I hold him all night, regardless if it's just a hand or my whole arm or just holding his hand. I don't sleep very well. I don't know where we are at, but I know that if I just hold on for a bit longer, eventually he will reach out for me and we'll be okay. As long as I show him that even when he's angry, I'm still not letting go of him, he won't worry that I'm leaving him. And morning comes, and he wakes up and pulls me in closer and hugs me as tightly as he possibly can.

I'm scared that it's gone too far now. I hug him to reassure him that I'm still there but also to comfort myself. Because I really feel so very broken inside at these times. We did almost break up 3 weeks ago when I lost my passport. I started to mourn our relationship. I let myself confront the pain of losing him and of all the hurt he caused me. I was convinced we'd be over. I pushed myself to move on. But then that same night, he came up. Angry at me, but still he came.

What gets to me is that in moments when he is so incredibly angry, a part of him is still reaching his hand out to me in hopes that I grab on. I see the hurt, and I can't fix it.  The person who brings me the most joy and happiness in my life is also the same person that regularly leaves bruises on me. (Also, literally, he loves playfighting and takes things too far at times)

I just am not sure what I need at this point to gain some perspective here and keep my mental health okay. I don't want to hold on to resentment.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wilsonian]

wish I had a magic wand and make all of your... all here and my pain go away... .main thing is you gotta take care of you(which I am still trying to figure out)... and use the tools that you can learn on this site... and helps me to post post post... .we all hurt here and we also all love here when it comes to our BPD r\s... .the physical hurting you part does concern me and others on here maybe able to help you through that... all I can say if you want to stay with him is pray... .educate yourself and reach out to people on this site and all the tools that they have... .its help me keep my sanity(but got to admit I mess up but learn from it)... best wishes to you and welcome... .

[an0ught]

Hi misuniadziubek,

I spend weekends with my uBPDbf. I try to maintain as calm an environment with him as I can,  but all the fights and arguments are wearing me down to the point that I'm not as resilient to his mood swings and I find myself so frustrated I take it out on him and just cause bigger problems.

He tells me to f*** off, slams the door, and when I try to follow him, tells me to get the hell out of his face. He jumps in his car and drives off. I try to follow him but my car battery is dead. I try to text him but I get no response. I finally call his cell phone, he answers and tells me that he got stopped by a cop because his muffler on his car fell off and he's not sure if he isn't getting a ticket. I tell him to just get home safely and that I love him. 

it sounds like you are trying hard but then you get to your limits  . Providing a calm and validating environment is hard work and only gets you so far.

Sometimes it is important to acknowledge your limits. You are not responsible to have a calm relationship. He is responsible too. And sometimes a relationship is not calm at all and that is ok too.

I see that you are following him when he is storming off. How are you doing with respect to boundaries?

[misuniadziubek]

I see that you are following him when he is storming off. How are you doing with respect to boundaries?

I guess this is an issue that I haven't really found a way to deal with. It might be destructive but in the moment I don't see straight enough to consider other actions.

Giving examples:

He has come up to see me. He refuses to come inside my house unless I'm waiting for him downstairs. The first time, he didn't make clear at what time he was coming. I went upstairs to watch something on the TV. I suddenly see 4 texts from him. He's outside my house and I didn't realise it. I come downstairs and he is inside his car. I ask him to come inside. He refuses. He is angry at me for not being downstairs. I beg him until he comes inside and sleep next to him.

Second time this happened, I was waiting downstairs till 2:45 am but he texted me that he had gone too far. I go upstairs to sleep for a bit since it appears he won't be here for a few hours and I'm exhausted. My mom wakes me up at 3:46 and tells me that his car is outside. I see that he has texted me about 3 times, threatening to leave. Apparently he wasn't that far away. I beg him to come inside again. Eventually he agrees.

Pattern anyone?

I'm starting to think that maybe that is the issue here. I'm afraid of him leaving and then feeling like I didn't care enough to wait for him or go after him. I think this developed somewhere in the beginning of our relationship.

He got angry at me over something. He left his own apartment. I went downstairs to his neighbours. When I came back up I realised that he had come back and he was drunk. He was upset that he came back and I wasn't there. Told me that I don't care enough to stay. That I'd rather hang out with other people. Sigh. Then his neighbour friend came up. uBPDBF wasn't speaking to me so I talked to the friend while we all hung out together. Eventually uBPDBF started falling asleep. I tried to poke and prod at him but he just got mad. He fell asleep. Friend offered me to come downstairs to hang out with him and his wife. I leave for an hour, thinking maybe I should give my uBPDBF space, come back to him crying his eyes out, extremely upset telling me that I abandoned him. That he doesn't want to ever see me again. That he was going to lock me out of his apartment.

I think the severity of this moment made me never want to experience it again. I saw how much pain he was in, I wanted to comfort him, to reassure him I didn't abandon him.

I think I need a new way to deal with this particular aspect. I'm only hurting myself in the process.  

[Lilibeth]

Hi misuniadziubek. This is the pattern - they hurt you BADLY, you see the pain in their eyes and make the move to go back and be loving, and then somehow you feel guilty for being the person without problems, and responsible for his state of mind, since you know that he is the one with the problems. Please, misuniadziubek, just get out of this. And the only way to do this is what An0ught said - you have to sit down and work out your boundaries. Otherwise, believe me, it will only get worse. misuniadziubek, i have gone through this exact same thing, that is why i can say this with confidence - step out of the pattern. It is not your fault, you have nothing to do with this. If you are staying on in the relationship, misuniadziubek, you have to make yourself strong... .the rest will follow one step at a time. There is no one way - but if you make your boundaries, it will help you.

Lots of love and hugs coming your way. You are not alone - just remember that.

Lilibeth