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Author Topic: Help? What would you do?  (Read 379 times)
matilda19

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Posts: 23


« on: July 01, 2014, 09:16:19 PM »

I have just found out that my BPDgf is continuing to flirt with this guy that she slept with over a year ago whilst we were together. She hid it from me but I went on her Facebook (trust issues I know) and discovered their secret.

Obviously I forgave her as she said that losing me was a terrible thing and she didn't want that and she would do anything to keep me. But slowly over the year she has desensitived me to him being around. She messages him everyday. They go out for breakfast and drinks and I feel like I am constantly fighting for her attention.

So I have been feeling quite anxious recently and we have been fighting a lot and I have had my suspicions so I managed to find out that she is continuing to message him. Mostly innapropriate things. They talk about sex and I think she still sends him naked photos. I am not a 100% sure. What should I do with this information? Maybe it was immature of me to lurk but I just can't have this happen to me again. I have devoted my time over and over and only had my heart broken in the end. I needed to know.

I need help.
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Love Is Not Enough
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged and living together
Posts: 292

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« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2014, 12:34:41 PM »

This is something I have struggled with a great deal also. The spying thing will only drive you crazy. I still struggle with it sometimes, but it really is not worth it. She has already proven herself an untrustworthy person to you. That she chooses to hang out with a fling shows that she has no respect for you. You cannot control her and make her stop hanging out with him. Finding out more information will only verify what you already know about her. Take the time and energy you would waste on spying and worrying about her and go do something for YOURSELF. You are worth it. She isn't. Then you will feel better and then you will most likely attract a mentally healthy person that you don't have to waste energy on wondering if they are cheating on you. Be good to yourself and you will attract good things.
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Never to suffer would never to have been blessed ~ Edgar Allan Poe
Stalwart
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2014, 02:38:22 PM »

It depends on your boundaries and acceptances. Having gone through infidelity in my relationship and her having the same response and saying that she made a bad mistake she would never make again and claiming to be in our relationship now I'd hold my wife entirely to that. I set boundaries immediately and meeting with the guy she was with certainly isn't inside those boundaries and shouldn't even be a consideration.

I've always told my wife and kept her informed of everywhere I'm going and everywhere I am. I don't think that outrageous, I think it's considerate. Those are the boundaries and rules both of us live under now and always should have. I trusted her and was blindsided but once bitten - twice shy. Do you think it's appropriate in a relationship she's with the person she 'cheated' with?

There really is only one obvious answer to this situation if it were playing out in my living room but you're the one that sets the decor in your house.

Staying after infidelity is a choice, but it's one that made with a lot of hard heart ache and pain. Allowing that treatment or even the inconsideration of someone who doesn't respect the pain and circumstances they brought into your relationship with them isn't 'working on it' or even considering you in the scenario. A relationship requires boundaries that are reasonable to maintain that relationship for both of you and from what I hear that's not what's happening.


I'm a person who believes in allowing for 'real' mistakes, we've all made a couple here and there even if they aren't that drastic, but I'm not a person that will allow intentional or continued abuse of the worst kind a person can be subject to or suffer with. I wouldn't be there if my wife was now doing what your's is. But I would offer your wife  the possiblity of living with boundaries and associations with other guys on a personal level isn't inside those boundaries for someone who has proven she can take advantage of that. Her reaction to the boundaries would determine just how quickly the suit case would come out of the closet on that one.  But I have boundaries set for both of us and we've both agreed to them.

I've done that once and it hasn't made me bitter, it's made me aware from a terrible nievity. Ignorance isn't bliss, it's devestating. No one deserves that and it's no life to be subjected to for any reason. It's only about abuse and that kind of abuse is intentiona and controllable by a person - if they want a relationship as they claim to.

Sorry kind of harsh but so is the situation you're in my friend.
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uteotw
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Posts: 2


« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2014, 04:16:16 PM »

Empathy, respect and trust are core to any successful and happy relationship. Being involved with a BPD partner is a struggle, because often times one or more of the elements listed are not there... .

Luckily for you she's you GF... .Think long and hard about any future with this woman. She's giving you a glimpse of what life will be like with her... .You're one of the lucky ones IMO, you can get out and save yourself years of dealing with this on a regular basis. Having to spy on her is not a healthy way to spend your time in any relationship.


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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2014, 08:32:50 AM »

There is a rot that has set in here and you can't negotiate your way around it. This eats you up, it is obvious you cant live with it. You do not have to tell her what to do. Doesn't work anyway. Rather tell her what you are going to do. That, is remove yourself from it, while this continues. Then do it. It is her choice then as to whether she wants to be with you or flirt with someone else. Make it her choice, not yours.

This is the staying board so I wont advise you to leave, but I will advise you to remove yourself from exposure to this power playing, which is what it is, for as long as it continues. That should be your boundary. The rest is her choice.
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