Intro, includes some of story

[UpwardFlight]

Hi everyone,

First off, glad I found this site.  It is helpful to read other's stories, questions and the responses.  Just knowing I am not alone is a big help.  So, let's get to the good stuff, or not so good... .blah!  Oh, and sorry for the length and rambling nature of my story.  I let my fingers do the walking, so to speak.

I met my gf about a year after divorcing from my first wife.  Short back story, was married 15 years, had 4 kids, was immature and young and co-dependent and she had problems too.  Marriaged ended after valiantly trying to save it.

Enter stage left, new gf about a year after divorce.  All was wonderful, she was understanding, helpful, fun, nuturing, good parent, financially stable on her own (owns a business and several homes) and, woohoo, I found my soul mate.  Only downside was, she was a BBW.  I am normally not that attracted to heavy woman.  She claimed she could lose the weight and give her a chance.  BTW, I did not tell her that I don't like BBWs (I do like lots of curves just not fat which is in the eye of the beholder).

Fast forward, 9 months and she has lost 50 lbs and looks great.  We engage in lots of outdoor activities and fun.  All is good in paradise, until, I went on a trip with some friends to Costa Rica.  A trip we had been talking about for a couple of years (before I met her).  Great vacation, texted her all the time, she texted back all the time.  I get back and stay at her house and find a few condoms missing.  So I question her on it and she maintains she did not cheat on me. We continue on for another year with things going good.

I decide to buy a house, was a renter due to divorce, and she buys with me and we move in together.  I couldn't tell you who brought up living together.  Just don't remember.  Anyway, once we move in everything starts going to ___.  She has a health crisis, starts drinking a lot, starts eating only ___ for food and has gained about 100 lbs.  Acts depressed, angry all the time, snaps at me, snaps at my kids.  Sex pretty much dries up and disappears.  The worst is the anger and negative energy.  Its so strong and so often I become miserable.

I hate going home after work.  :)on't know if the monster is home or the sweet nice person.  She becomes a pig, never cleans anything leaves laundry all over the place, office looks like a bomb went off.  If the dog pees on the floor she doesn't clean it up.  In fact, she sits at the dinner table with her feet in the dried pee working.  This totally grosses me out.  I mop the floor everyday and she gets pissed because she thinks its her job and I shouldn't do it - at least that is what she says.

So much I'm not saying because it would take days to write.  I wake up one day, 4 years after we've been living together, and realize I can't live this way anymore.  I tell her the relationship is not working and we need to think about splitting up.  FYI she's been begging for marriage and kids the whole time.  I told her no marriage because relationship is too bad and marriage doesn't fix that, it needs to be fixed first.  No kids, I already have 4 and she has 1 and I had a vasectomy.  She keeps saying get it reversed.  Nope, never going to happen.

She flips out when I tell her we should split up.  :)oesn't want to and lays on the guilt and shame as thick as possible, believe me, thick and creamy.  Like a jelly soaked piece of bread. I tell her it's not about her doing anything wrong or me doing anything wrong.  Just that we have two different paths in life.  She attracts drama like flowers attract bees.  She is angry, cusses all the time, controling, manipulative, lies as easily as a fish swims and thinks her problems can be solved with a BJ or intense anger.

I am much more peaceful.  Kind've like a new age hippy stuck in corporate America.  I can fight and have but have also learned it only makes the problems worse and harder to deal with.  We are on differnet paths.

She asks for another chance.  I tell her not really sure about that.  Finally I sort of agree.  This is where I need to give her more clarity which will happen next week after the kids leave.  We are still trying and I think I will try for a little longer.  A bit on the fence on this one.

Since she has gained so much weight she can't breath well, feet hurt, can't take the heat, can't walk very far, etc.  So she never does anything.  I like doing stuff.  I meet with a men's group twice a month and practice Kung Fu three times a week and have started doing some other stuff that I want to do.  She's not interested or can't do these things.  I have decided I am going to do what interests me, what I want to do.  She only wants to watch TV and drink or work in the yard planing flowers.  Also likes to work on the house but I can't work with her because she becomes an agry b___ on wheels.

So we are living in a strained relationship.  I have set some pretty clear boundries, have told her what I need and what I can do.  She constantly crosses the boundries and I call her on it every time.  She is now getting sick of me calling her on her bull___.  She always has an excuse for her bad behavior.  Lately it has been, well at least I try and I have good intentions.

My response, I am not questioning your intentions.  This is not about intentions.  It is about behavior and emotional stability and control.  She is an emotional wreck, always living in a hyped-up state, living on the knife's edge which results in emotional outbursts.  Internet is down, she rails off with something like... ."___ing internet not working again.  Can't get my work done.  :)id the kids mess it up."  Big sighs and slams stuff around.

She's never done that directly to me.  I did tell her from day one that if she every talked to me that way (after I heard her do it to someone on the phone) that I'd be gone in a hot second.

I am willing to try, but trying to me is not continually accepting the same behavior.  I need to see new and consistent behavior changes.  I have serious doubts that she can make the changes needed.  That said, I have laid down my boundries and if she can't respect them the relationship cannot continue.  I realize now that I only allowed this to go on as long as it has because I was co-dependent.  I am not willing to be that person anymore.  I am much better at setting boundries and sticking to them, but boy is it hard.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fanie]

 

[stuckgirl]

hi upwardflight

im sorry things are bad right now and are not working out.what youve just described is very similar in relationships with a pwBPD.

most of us stay in the relationship,because there are pros for us that are working,or we get caught up in that love/hate/ go-come dysregulatory cycle as well... .i dont think anybody can rightly guess why it happens,but it happens,or there are kids to think about,or financial dependencies.

it is like a drug,the way to get rid of the bad time is to take more of the drug,but with a pwBPD,when you ask for their time,need them,more often than not,and atleast in my experience,they're not willing to give it.whereas in a healthier relationship,a person will willingly and happily give you their time.

perhaps its their withholding that keeps us hooked.

i myself am at the point in which i am hoping my bf will decide to leave me,because he contemplates,or talks about suicide when i indicate the r/s is not good.

i know this is easier said than done,but ask yourself why you are in this relationship,do you love her,are you willing to work with the abuse and try to keep it under a bit of control over long term,are you hoping for some change that most likely will not come without therapy or psychiatric support?

things tend to repeat themselves and stay the same because the disorder is chronic,it wont get better without therapy or medication,if you feel the both of you could give that a try,it might be worth it.

yet you also said that you are tired,and apart from this she is financially independent,considering all these facts,perhaps you could take some time away from the relationship to figure out what you want.

things will not change unless both partners (nons too) get counseling,so figure out it you want to put that work in it.

and your remark about your girlfriend almost baiting you hits right home

i too get an overwhelming feeling that my SO seems to sometimes enjoy irritating the hell out of me and seeing me get worked up even if he knows i wont start and argument or react noticeably.

wish could help more

good luck.