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Author Topic: GF wants to talk - need advice  (Read 375 times)
maxsterling
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« on: July 02, 2014, 05:30:05 PM »

After last weekend's rage, the rage in Monday's T session - I'm just burnt out emotionally, and feel like I need time to just calm myself before really delving into these relationship issues.  I guess I have been waiting for raw emotions to calm and to see if the r/s can stabilize itself to decide if trying to fix things is even worth it.  In other words, I am waiting for her to not be "depressed" or "irritable" so as to approach any conversation we have rationally and calmly.   I'm now thinking this is part of the problem, more later.

It's now Wednesday, and I am taking time to think and calm myself after last weekend and Monday. But she is anxious and on me once again about how I never want to talk about the r/s.  She's angry, impatient, and I feel like she really doesn't want to listen to what I have to say.  Nonetheless, I told her we would talk tonight, and she got irritated that I did not specifically say when and where - accused me of ignoring her again.   And now once again, I am fearing her irritated mood and wanting to run away.  And that too, is part of the problem - my fear.  I told here we would talk tonight in the living room after I came home from a meeting.  She said ok.

I've realized a few things the past few days.  She thinks I am controlling and manipulative.  I will disagree 100% with that perspective at least from the standpoint of my intent to try and get her to do or be something different.  I thought I was giving her freedom by not caring if she cooks, cleans, gets a job, contributes financially, etc.  Yet, I am realizing I do have a flaw of trying to protect her, and protect myself, and from her perspective, that definitely IS control.  I've become more emotionally distant from her the past few months.  Some of that is conscious, some is subconscious.   I'm trying to avoid saying things that may affect her negatively.  And I am trying to protect myself from things she might say that affect me negatively.  I thought I was doing this to help her have a stable environment in which she can heal. So, our conversations lately would revolve around TV, daily crap, etc.  And when she would tell me about something bad, I would try and steer the subject to ease her distress rather than engaging her in her mood.  And if she would ask me something directly, I may say I wasn't bothered when I actually was, because I wanted to protect what I thought were her fragile emotions.  The reality here is that even though I intended to give her freedom, my actions were actually a form or controlling her, controlling the relationship, and controlling my environment.  I recognize this now and feel quite badly about it.

The truth here is, BPD or not, she is still a human being with needs.  She needs things from me just as I need things from her.  She deserves open and close communication, and not me trying to protect her from things that *I* think would send her into a downward spiral.  I feel quite badly about this.  I think many of us here fall into that same protective mode mindset where we think we are trying to protect the pwBPD from triggers as a means of protecting ourselves and our relationships.  But if we are failing to give them the complete picture, we are failing them as partners.    It's certainly understandable - we get abused, we close off, and we avoid conversations that we think will lead to more abuse.  I avoid the marriage conversation because every time it leads to abuse.  But the reality is, she does have a right as my partner to know my true feelings.  It's really not fair of me to wait for an appropriate time to have that conversation with her out of fear of abuse.  By expecting the change from her first, I am making the problem worse.

So, back to the conversation she wants to have.  I'm thinking of just sitting her down, telling her that I need her to just listen for awhile, and tell her what I just wrote above.  Apologize for my behavior, and tell her that she deserves me to be more open with her, and deserves greater emotional closeness from me than I have been giving the past few months.  I'll tell her that this is something I need to work on, ask for her patience as I work on it, and tell her I understand if she chooses to not be patient.  Of course she will want to know *how* I am going to address it.  I'm not sure what to tell her here, but I will start by saying that I am going to be more open with her about the way I am feeling about things, and be more engaging with her when she is in distress. 

Thoughts here?  Two things come to mind - 1) I fear she will not just listen while I talk and continue an angry and blaming tone in rebuttal.  What do I do if that happens?  I suppose I can validate that she is angry, and that I understand why she is angry, but then ask her again to just give me space to talk?  And 2) part of me feels like I am blaming myself for a problem that she certainly has a major role in - that I am blaming myself for her abuse.  Am I going to open up like this and not have her return the apology?  If that happens, how will I feel and how will I handle that?





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GaGrl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2014, 06:09:46 PM »

I would ask what you ultimately want to achieve with your partner... are you aiming for intimacy, or detente, or something in between? Do you assess your knowledge of her and her reactions to predict what it will require of both you and your partner to achieve that goal?
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goldylamont
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2014, 06:29:29 PM »

maxsterling, make sure to stop apologizing for things that you have no reason being sorry for. others here can give you good tips on approaching things, but if you apologize for things that aren't your fault it will only enable and confirm her devaluations of you rather than invoke some understanding on her part.

your description sounds like the last 3-4 months of my r/s. there was one thing that was an issue for me that kept coming up. my ex would flip out whenever i brought it up and accused me of being insensitive and speaking about it in a nasty tone--i didn't/don't agree at all. but, i thought it would be better to take the approach you mentioned above--to wait until we were in a good place and she was happier, so we could have a respectful conversation. well, this was a BIG MISTAKE--she was being sweet for a few days so i approached her on the subject being gentle and as understanding as i could--she flipped out, end of niceness, accusations flew and attitude for days after. so, i'm not sure how to tell you to proceed in this regard but it's probably best to be prepared for a negative reaction. sorry you are going through this.
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Jacq189

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 29


« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2014, 09:02:03 PM »

Maxsterling, you make some very good points. I know I can by guilty of withholding my feelings and thoughts as to avoid arguments and abuse from my uBPDgf. There is a fine line there though because the reality is we cannot blurt out every thought and feeling to our pwBPD because they simply couldn't handle it. We do need to be calm and considered in what, how and when we share our emotions with them. But I do agree with you it can easily end up as us being overprotective and not giving them the chance to learn how to react to our feelings or thoughts on situations. For me it inevitably ends up with whatever I was withholding come out at the wost time and in the worst way, entirely counterproductive to my original goal.

While I do agree with Goldylamont that we shouldn't apologise for things that are not our fault I think it is just as important that we take responsibility when we realize we have been doing things the wrong way. Although we may not always be able to expect the same insights and humility from our partners it is still important that we can give what we would ultimately like to be given- to be treated with respect as an equal human being in our relationship.

In your case I think that it is a good idea to acknowledge to your wife that you want to be more open with her and will try to do so. There is a good chance that she will take that and run with it and perhaps not respond the way you would like... .but maybe that is OK? Maybe the important thing here is that you have noticed something that you can do differently yourself, that may make things happier between you in the long run. If I were you I would resolve in myself before talking with her that she may react badly but that is not what is important here. And don't forget it is that worry that she wont react the way you like is the issue you are talking about in the first place. So let go of that worry and just say what you need to say.
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