How do you prepare yourself?

[BadKitty]

Things have been quiet a few days thankfully. Then tonight I get a question that makes me believe another dysregulation is on the way. It hasn't even been a week yet. UGH!

After being out for couple of hours, he returns home and says, ":)oes it bother you that we don't have much in common?" I kinda blow it off by saying, "Not at all, I haven't had much in common with most of my boyfriends. I think it would make a boring relationship if we were exactly alike." I can see he is put off by my answer. I have no idea if this is a good answer to him or not but I don't care. It's how I feel.

Now here comes my mistake I think. A few minutes later I ask ":)id you have fun? Is everything ok?" I know he was being sarcastic but it is another sign an episode is coming... .He says, "If you don't know what you did wrong, I am not going to tell you." This is his signature statement during his dysregulation episodes. Then he says, "Why are you so paranoid?"

Now I am thinking, WTH? I have been staying to myself most of the night now, trying to give him space because I know it's coming. Maybe I am being paranoid.

Just wondering what y'all do to prepare when you know it's coming? Just keep your distance?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat21]

Oh man, how I wish I knew! My uBPDh completely dysregulated tonight, on his birthday, and I had no idea it was coming. I've tried to "graph" these episodes, and I have found no pattern. Some people say they have. I think for my pwBPD, it's the slightest thing out of order that sets it off. Unfortunately, I don't always know what that is since I'm not around him 24/7.

[Lilibeth]

Dear BadKitty and Cat21. I know exactly, exactly how you both are feeling, having just gone through the most horrific experience in my life... .Dreamflyer99 caught me before i fell off the earth and has been helping me get my feet back.

Cat21, my H, on every birthday all these 26 years of being together, has managed to make it the worst possible day - and for no reason. I had started dreading the month altogether. This year, thanks to the strength i found here, i just pretended i did not remember and forced myself to make no mention at all about the date - it was hard, and i often found myself stressed, but i drew that boundary line and just stuck myself inside it. Come the date and since i was inside my boundary, what he said and did, did not affect me... .i won't say it didn't affect me at all - i felt sad - but at least it did not break me up. Maybe you could try that next time?

BadKitty, your experience is so like the one that started off the horrific time for me. Throughout our married life, it has been his refrain that since we do not have anything in common i should go. But when i start to go, he always gets me to change my decision with promises, that i was fool enough to believe. This time, though when my H started off on the we don't have anything in common; you've grown in another direction, etcetcetc, i picked up my bag and said i was leaving (it was midnight). He asked what i would do and if i would go to my daughter and i replied that noone would know where i had gone or what i would do -there was always some work to be found. That brought him to his senses (for the time at least)... .i have no guarantee that this will work for you - but it will make you stronger inside of yourself and not let the hurtful words wound and lacerate you.

I do believe that we have special antennae that pick up the signals that things are going to go wrong. Since i have gone through this, please let me tell you that now soon as i get the signals, i start preparing my mind - keep repeating calming words for strength, stay longer in the bath, get involved in my work (i'm a freelance editor) by studying editing-related issues from the Net, spend more time in the kitchen, spend more time with my plants... .whatever... .and i keep telling myself that there are people who love me and care for me so i must not allow this negativeness to get to me. You have to find what things will shield you and build a fortress around yourself. Of course some of the hurtful things have a way of getting through and hurting you, but when you force yourself to believe that these are just words from a person who does not know what he is saying, you'll start to feel better. There is no surefire way, Cat21 and BadKitty, but if you start from the point that you are fantastic people, and have a lot going for you and that there are people on this board who are looking out for you, it will give you strength. We each have to find how to make our own boundaries but just remember you are not alone. We are your safety net and will always be here.

Lots of love, hugs and positive energies coming your way from me

Lilibeth

[waverider]

I don't prepare, or that can preempt, or create paranoia in me if I am wrong.

I simply be me and if that causes an issue I don't let it become my issue.

PS Dont compare him to past boyfriends or relationships. That's a definite high risk trigger.

[Mono No Aware]

Always be prepared by being mindful and being yourself. Strive to live your life with a keen awareness not of just your pwBPD powderkeg but everyone in it. Part of this is the lesson learned that you cannot control them, but you can control yourself.

But the cycle continues, the good times do not last forever, and the BPD dysregulation ___storm will eventually rise up to break upon you. This is the real topic of the thread: How To Batten Down The Hatches.

You are doing well already, sensing the early warning signs. This is the critical short period when to take decisive action - either:

A) slip in exactly the right SET (Support Empathy Truth) validation hoping that you may get lucky and comfort your pwBPD enough to derail the episode, or

B) Run silent run deep, lay low, and mentally run through your self-calming mantras and the Lessons.

My new favorite mantra is: "I am a calm mountain, and the storm will rain on me all it wants but it shall pass while I remain".

Another is a Bruce Lee quote: "Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind."

However you do it, definitely get yourself in the "No JADE-ing!" mindset. Before it gets better you have to stop making it worse, as the Lesson goes.

If your pwBPD has a history of violence, then practical plans must be laid for evasive maneuvers and a safe place to go (and take children if any).

Remember your boundaries. If your pwBPD goes to cross them, gentle but firm remonstrations and/or removal of yourself from the situation must happen. The pwBPD craves consistency (for all their chaos) so you must not be flexible on your boundaries. Of course, choose your boundaries carefully: stay realistic and not controlling - merely civilized and self-protecting.

Hang in there - you are not alone.

[BadKitty]

Thanks for all your responses. I think I was right in thinking the episode was coming. He was acting standoff-ish this morning as well but at least I prepared myself mentally for it. I have a backup plan for the holiday weekend, just in case.

It's so funny that just 2 days ago he told me he couldn't wait for the weekend and promised not to be "wishy-washy" in his words. I just said something along the lines of no matter what happens I will enjoy my weekend.

I find it easier to prepare myself when I sense it coming than when I am hit by it like a tornado. That way I can react to it better than in a negative way.

[peiper]

This is something that I never mastered. This last time I could tell by her texts that she had gone to the dark side, so I went to sleep. She got home and woke me up to say she was moving out the next day. Needless to say after hearing this moving out stuff for months I blew a gasket. Things went downhill fast from there.

[stuckgirl]

A dysregulation happened last night with uBPD fiance,he was talking to me over the phone and started becoming rude plus answering only in monosyllables.i had just come back from 24 hour call at the hospital i work in,i told him while i was at work that i was about to pass out from fatigue.

He usually dysregulates when he doesnt go out in the evenings (we dont live together) he admitted it and knows that.

I asked him to go out yesterday,he refused like a rude kid or something.

Well... long story short he had major that night dysregulation but wanted to vent on me on the phone.after asking him for an hour why he was behaving this way ( did not suspect dysregulation wud happen,he had been happily watching the football world cup an hour ago and suggesting lovingly honestly to me that i should sleep since i must be tired ( he has a history of problems with me sleeping when he doesnt 'want me to' seems to make him think i love sleeping better than him) so i told him id sleep but id call him first.

He was happily talking for 15 minutes or something,his mood changed suddenly,he wouldnt even tell me what was wrong,he said go to sleep we'll talk later and i said tell me now are you angry because im sleeping?,he was a jerk about it and said go to sleep,i did

In the morning i wake up to hateful messages of his saying that i should have known something bad would happen since he hadnt gone out that night,i couldve killed him!

It was his bullheadedness that made him decide not to go to get attention.

God ive been venting (thanks for letting me ) in your thread (sorry about that)

Yes now to answer your question badkitty The way i deal is talk him through it,or later he just says i didnt care about him.

He gets really  a little,he gets extremely depressed when he dysregulates,i dont want to watch him suffer,no one does, so i just tell him things e.g i love you,you're not bad,give him some words of praise so he feels a bit of self esteem,it passes in two or three hours.

But i suppose it would be extremely hard and different if i were living with him and he was in 'demand' of my attention all the time,it must be extremely draining,and very hard,

am i right in this guys?

[stuckgirl]

He really gets a little paranoid* was what i was writing :-D

[BadKitty]

My BPDbf gets extremely paranoid to the point of being comical. He overreacts to miniscule things when dysregulated. I have found that it's about a 2 week cycle with him. That's how I can prepare for it I suppose.

He went out to have some drinks with his father and when he came back I went to hug him. He backed away (over exaggerating of course) saying "Oh no! You don't want to get near me! I stink!" We have been in separate rooms since. I don't understand he reaction but I am guessing he wants to be alone so here I am. Hah! Living with him can be quite exhausting but it has it's funny moments! I just have to be sure not to let him know I find anything he does as funny.

[LilHurt420]

I now do the same thing you did when I know it's coming.  I can tell it's coming by his tone of voice and attitude change towards me.  One moment he can be all about the family and the next day he is all about himself.  Yesterday he didn't go to work and when I asked why he acted as though I had no right to even ask that question telling me he didn't feel like it and it was his perogative (although it was only day 3 of the job, since it's only a summer job).  When I feel the dysregulation coming on  I stay to myself.  I try to keep myself busy by watching a movie or TV show or something and not do anything that could lead him to start accusing me of anything.  I keep my phone away from me so he can't accuse me of talking to anyone else and ignoring him etc.  This way if I'm just watching TV then I'm "available" if he so needs... .but mostly now he just stays away.  When I first started doing this he would stay away, but come back like every 30 mins to ask me some random question.  I'd answer bluntly and not keep getting myself worked up.  Eventually he stopped that too.  This has seemed to help because now he just stays away.  I think he's figured it out (although he'll NEVER admit it) that there's something wrong with him so he stays in his office when he knows he's about to have an episode (I'm also pregnant which has  helped because he knows he can't stress me out if he wants a healthy child).

Before I learned about all this and did my research I used to keep asking him "what's wrong?" and it only made everything worse.  I'd spend time trying to get him to tell me what was wrong, he also say the same thing of if I don't know what I did wrong, he's not going to tell me.  I learned that was just his way of keeping me off guard and trying to get me to give up whatever he was accusing me of in his imagination.  Now I keep things short and to the point and if he goes off the point I walk away.  He can tell I'm so over his episodes and will no longer tolerate them.  I have become very good with boundaries.  It took a long time though... .and I do still have my days where I let my guard down somewhat.

[LilHurt420]

My BPDbf gets extremely paranoid to the point of being comical. He overreacts to miniscule things when dysregulated. I have found that it's about a 2 week cycle with him. That's how I can prepare for it I suppose.

He went out to have some drinks with his father and when he came back I went to hug him. He backed away (over exaggerating of course) saying "Oh no! You don't want to get near me! I stink!" We have been in separate rooms since. I don't understand he reaction but I am guessing he wants to be alone so here I am. Hah! Living with him can be quite exhausting but it has it's funny moments! I just have to be sure not to let him know I find anything he does as funny.

I never thought I'd get there... .but I've also gotten to the point of it being comical.  Because I now remove myself from the situation almost immediately after the initial sad period, when I reflect I can only laugh because nothing he does even makes sense.

[an0ught]

After being out for couple of hours, he returns home and says, ":)oes it bother you that we don't have much in common?" I kinda blow it off by saying, "Not at all, I haven't had much in common with most of my boyfriends. I think it would make a boring relationship if we were exactly alike." I can see he is put off by my answer. I have no idea if this is a good answer to him or not but I don't care. It's how I feel.

That was an excellent answer and delivering it with your true conviction behind it was even better. 

It is not comfortable answer for him but it is exactly what is needed to make the relationship work. Both the commonalities and differences need to be celebrated.