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Moselle
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« on: July 03, 2014, 04:33:15 AM » |
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I've had a bit of an education about BPD.
6 months ago I walked out telling my wife, she had hit me for the last time. She had committed fraud twice, and lied, screamed her way through 14 years or turbulent marriage to me
I then discovered this website, and she became "uBPDw" to me. And I became "co-dependent".
I put in boundaries, and she raged. I used SET and she called it "Fairy talk" LOL.
She has now threatened divorce 15 times in those 6 months. We both have lawyers, and she has threatened to file for maintenance but hasn't.
Its a bit of a dog show, and we are stuck with no-one really wanting to pull the divorce trigger. Its become part of the ugly cycle. There are three children stuck in the mess too.
After 6 months of raging, she has begun to have conversations with me. I have been consistent in that I have said I want to work on the relationship, and be friends. Then determine whether there is a marriage to salvage. I am not ready to give up yet, and continue to to fight for this. I have also said there has to be massive change for me to go back.
I have been stuck in the co-dep mess for so long, being pulled back into her darkness but recently, like the last week, I feel like I have transcended something, and there has been calmness in me. I listened to a 20 minute rage last night for the first time. Before I would react and play an enabler role in the conflict. This time I just listened to the nonsense about me, and was able to be there but not co-dependent. I realised that these were just reflections of what she was going through. She was dysregulating for something completely different, but she chose me as the victim of her vitriol. I said afterwards, I'm even more positive to make changes in my life and that this separation has enabled me to examine and change so much.
This morning, it went again with divorce threats, and I just listened/empathised again.
She cannot stand the fact that I am so positive and moving on from a personal point of view. Her words "You need to feel as guilty as I am sad, because of all you've done to me over 14 years. You need to be on your knees begging me to stay, because of all you've done"
I've had massive realisations and worked very hard at changing the last 6 months and am so proud of becoming a better husband, father and person. I've confessed my mistakes and asked for her forgiveness. There were moments of tenderness from her when I did this 2 weeks ago, but the rage and BPD has returned in full force.
I feel like I have been through my valley of despair, personal understandings about my role in this toxic relationship, massive shifts in how I behave, and very recently am ready to move forward positively and work at developing healthy relationships. My aim has been to clean myself up, change what I need to change, repent of my mistakes and ask for her forgiveness. Lead the way so to speak and then give her the chance to follow the healthy behaviours. She is still in denial however and continue to blame me for just about all the problems. I know she needs to make a choice, for healthy or unhealthy. And I may not like the choice, but as much as I want this to work, I also realise it needs two willing partners.
I have ordered two books to aid my education. "Splitting (how to protect yourself in a divorce from BPD NPD)", and "Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" This covers the leaving/staying dilemma.
As I said, I've been on the staying board through to the divorce board and find myself back here again. Any thoughts/feedback from the community?
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