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Author Topic: She tells me she gets hit on all the time  (Read 434 times)
Proud_Dad
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« on: July 03, 2014, 11:26:04 AM »

My uBPDgf tells me she gets hit on everywhere she goes. She had gone out to run some errands yesterday while I stayed home to watch the kids. When she returned she proceeded to tell me how she had two different guys try to hit on her while she was out.

If I were to tell her about any woman I simply spoke to while out without her she would flip.  I don't know if her motive is to make me realize that she could replace me if she wants to and have the upper hand, or if she just feels like I don't desire her enough.

I guess I am just frustrated with this relationship lately and I KNOW she can feel it.

UGH... .and here comes a holiday weekend... .
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an0ught
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« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2014, 11:50:44 AM »

Hi Proud_Dad ,

while it is difficult to know exactly what is driving her besides possibly abandonment one may be able to probe a little with validating different things. Of course one would be wrong some times so going easy is important. Possible emotions to validate:

- abandonment (the usual moves - addressing fear in general, breakup, frustration etc.)

- fear of not being attractive (display of a little envy)

- need to be wanted (display of a little jealousy)

As she is doing it repeatedly something clearly is bugging her. Depending on your wife and the communication between you one option may also be to call her out on her behavior using SET and asking not to stop/justify it but simply whether something is bothering her.
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Proud_Dad
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« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2014, 12:21:31 PM »

an0ught,

Good advice. It always seems much simpler from the outside looking in. I tend to make emotional matters over complicated. It is just my logical and fact driven mind, emotional decisions and reactions do not compute with me... .

I do know that I desire her on multiple levels, but maybe I do not express it enough for her to feel it. I have always known that she is a very sexual and emotional being, therefore, it has been my responsibility to step up to her level of emotional display in order for her needs to be met. I can see that I have fallen off of that trend lately since I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with this relationship lately.

Thank you again, a bit of self-examination is always good.

 

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BadKitty
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« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2014, 10:43:13 PM »

UGH... .and here comes a holiday weekend... .

I must say, this is exactly how I am feeling right now. A loong weekend!
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ziniztar
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« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2014, 01:47:14 AM »

Hey Proud Dad,

My dBPDbf works in the service industry, is quite handsome and does exactly the same thing. He's doing it to see if I respond to it, if I'm afraid of losing him at all.

At first I said to him: don't bother because you're not going to get me jealous. I'm not the jealous type. I have a lot of male friends as well. He stopped talking about it.

Then he started flirting with other girls when we're out together. At first I didn't want to care, but he was really testing me. At one point some girls had followed him to the next bar (he invited them) and were standing around there. We were on a stage dancing and I knew the girls were talking about me -unaware of our relationship at the time. I kinda made it clear he was off limits and he loved it. We talked about it later and he really liked it that I showed those girls he was mine.

For some reason he needed that extra confirmation I guess.

I've told him not to openly flirt with girls when we're together anymore - as we're not together that often due to work schedules and I don't want to stand alone in a bar while he's talking to strange women. It's difficult because there's a thin line between being open, spontaneous and meeting new people (I'm like that as well), and talking/flirting for too lang that it becomes annoying.

Since that night it hasn't happened anymore. I think sometimes pwBPD's test you to see where your boundary is. Make sure you communicate it and stick to it.

Good luck on the weekend Smiling (click to insert in post) who knows it's not even that bad!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Proud_Dad
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« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2014, 03:19:38 PM »

ziniztar,

I agree with you, she is possibly testing boundaries. I know that she is a fairly insecure person and needs to feel like I am aware of her ability to still attract men. However, I feel like she is just waiting for me to say something like "oh yeah, well I talk to other women when I am out too" just so she can have more ammunition for rages. 

Perfect example, we were at a wedding recently where I was accused of checking out every single woman who walked by, which I get accused of regularly. Then I see her at the bar chatting with a random guy. She KNOWS that I saw her as the bar was only a few yard away from where I was. When she came back she had the biggest ___ eating grin on her face and acted like it was nothing when I asked her about it. Then more accusing me of being a pig and checking out women.

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ziniztar
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« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2014, 03:45:35 PM »

I know that she is a fairly insecure person

Let's assume she is an incredibly insecure person... in the end, the only thing that works is not giving it attention anymore. Validate her feeling of feeling insecure when she perceives you are hitting on every women in the room. Something like "I can see it's hurting you when I talk to other women. Are you afraid I will leave you?", nothing more. Do not ask her about guys she's been talking to - no good can come from that.

Energy flows where the focus goes... .
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formflier
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« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2014, 04:05:51 PM »

Energy flows where the focus goes... .

I like this statement. 

Can you expand on how you have applied with to your r/s?

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Proud_Dad
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« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2014, 04:35:10 PM »

Energy flows where the focus goes... .

I like this statement. 


I will second that. Short and easy to remember, yet extremely powerful in action.

I will try to actively focus on the core feelings of these, and other, insecurity based statements. Again, logical mind here, not emotional.

I guess it is just very frustrating when it only goes one way (we have all been there).

Thanks
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JohnLove
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« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2014, 07:11:19 PM »

ziniztar,

I agree with you, she is possibly testing boundaries. I know that she is a fairly insecure person and needs to feel like I am aware of her ability to still attract men. However, I feel like she is just waiting for me to say something like "oh yeah, well I talk to other women when I am out too" just so she can have more ammunition for rages. 

Perfect example, we were at a wedding recently where I was accused of checking out every single woman who walked by, which I get accused of regularly. Then I see her at the bar chatting with a random guy. She KNOWS that I saw her as the bar was only a few yard away from where I was. When she came back she had the biggest ___ eating grin on her face and acted like it was nothing when I asked her about it. Then more accusing me of being a pig and checking out women.

This has BPD written all over it. It doesnt make sense in any logical sense. You can still see the fragments of logic. It's almost like the point of her entire complaint was lost.

Very disturbing.
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2014, 01:58:10 PM »

My udBPDh does the same thing.  If he goes out with friends he comes home and tells me how many girls hit on him and how he could have gotten all their numbers (but doesn't because he's proud to tell them he's married).  He's always saying how all the girls at his job want him and he's always getting hit on.

Yet if I were to tell him some guy even so much as said "Hi" to me while out he would flip and accuse me of cheating and everything else.

But on the flip side when he's in a mood he whines to me about how he's unattractive and is self conscience of himself (I think he only says these things to hear me say "oh no you're not"

I'm tired of trying to figure out the code in his words and behaviors
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #11 on: July 09, 2014, 02:06:32 PM »

ziniztar,

I agree with you, she is possibly testing boundaries. I know that she is a fairly insecure person and needs to feel like I am aware of her ability to still attract men. However, I feel like she is just waiting for me to say something like "oh yeah, well I talk to other women when I am out too" just so she can have more ammunition for rages. 

Perfect example, we were at a wedding recently where I was accused of checking out every single woman who walked by, which I get accused of regularly. Then I see her at the bar chatting with a random guy. She KNOWS that I saw her as the bar was only a few yard away from where I was. When she came back she had the biggest ___ eating grin on her face and acted like it was nothing when I asked her about it. Then more accusing me of being a pig and checking out women.

This has BPD written all over it. It doesnt make sense in any logical sense. You can still see the fragments of logic. It's almost like the point of her entire complaint was lost.

Very disturbing.

my DH has done the exact same thing before.  one weekend a few months ago we had gone out both friday and saturday night with friends.  friday night there was a girl close by us who kept staring over at DH.  he kept saying how she was staring and I paid it no mind.  When we were leaving he actually went over and said something to her about being there alone, and she even said to her "really you should be focusing on your beautiful woman."  I shrugged it off and said something to her like "oh I'm not worried"

The next night we went out again with my SIL.  SIL and I were having a good time dancing and signing when all of a sudden DH became distant and wouldn't talk to me.  Finally he blows up saying how some guy at the bar smiled at me as he was sitting down next to where we were and I smiled back and how dare I do that in front of him.  Even my SIL was shocked and we had no idea what he was talking about.  He went as far as to go over to the guy and tell him that I wanted to talk to him, the guy came over to our table and sat next to me starting a conversation.  I was so embarrassed.  I got up and left and waited in the car.  Of course the next morning he acted like it was no big deal and said yea he over reacted but he would just have to get use to my "ditzy ways" when I've had a few drinks.
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rj47
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« Reply #12 on: July 09, 2014, 03:57:48 PM »

My BPDw has similar insecurities and accuses me constantly of flirting, staring and wanting to be with other women. The irony is I try not to make eye contact with other women when she's around (Heck, I'm still paying a high price for the women I dated during the decade before we met). She's extraordinarily attractive and is engaging, knows it, and; constantly tells about the men she's worked with and meets that hit on her. I've asked her many times to keep it to herself. She accuses me of being insecure... to which I answer "yes I am, you need to recognize it and adjust your comments accordingly. And, that affair you had a year ago? It doesn't help the situation, so yeah I'm a little sensitive". She still tries to do it claiming to remind me how desirable my wife is. She has similar abandonment fears that are exacerbated by the 1) infidelity, and, 2) knowledge that women are attracted me, and, 3) I have rewarding work/social life outside of her. I love her and have worked hard for years at examining myself, being more understanding, and, helping manage through the disorder.

When I hear it now I ask why she thinks they hit on her, what was she wearing, what the situation, and what is she going to do about it... .as in; Did you get to know hi better? Did you want to? Did you agree to trade contact info? Are you interested? and... .what can I do to help? It can trigger an episode, but she's figuring out that I really don't want to hear it and will beat the subject to death to show my distaste.
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« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2014, 04:23:53 PM »

Back in the early years, I'd tell my partner if I'd been hit on. I think it began because he was very negative about women, my motivations and secrecy. So, I told him that I'd been proposed to twice between him and my babies dad... .Thinking he'd adjust his belief that I was just looking for a husband/father. Massive backfire. I thought I was making him secure by showing him I'd turned down an easy life because I wouldn't marry for one if it wasn't love.

Of course, I'd get the occasional numbnut, who'd fancy his chances and be a nuisance, so I'd tell my partner, but with the intention that he'd step up and protect me,  not be insecure.

It got beyond ridiculous when I'd been sat at a bus stop with a baby and toddler... .The street cleaner, who was special needs, had a built up shoe, dribbled  and was known to my family, stopped to chat and gave me his phone number. I thought it was safe to relay this story to my partner, but over a decade later, it was ammunition and I was told I must have been up for it with him and that I was a walking effing d45k magnet. Seriously... .

Another time, a friend who was pot bellied, pock faced, had a mouth like Stonehenge and bright orange curly hair, made a pass at me. I didn't know that that was a threat to my man, or could vaguely register in my radar, but to this day, he has an issue with it.

I do and did get hit on. I'm not responsible for it, only my response is mine to own. I was caught between the trap of not hiding anything whilst being accused of hiding things. I don't tell him now. Some men have no scruples and target attractive women on the off chance. What they do with that behaviour is the teller.

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Proud_Dad
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« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2014, 05:16:44 PM »

JohnLove,

I could not agree more. I am a very logical person, have a very logic based career, and a very deep need to understand how and why thing happen the way they do. So it makes it very difficult for me to comprehend and process actions and reactions that are based solely on emotion and false perceptions.

LilHurt,

These situations are very trying, I’m sorry that you are experiencing these scenarios also. I know that when my uBPDgf is exhibiting this type of behavior it is just a projection of her insecurity, so I try to validate when I can, but it usually just adds fuel to the fire.

Rj47,

My BPDw has similar insecurities and accuses me constantly of flirting, staring and wanting to be with other women. The irony is I try not to make eye contact with other women when she's around (Heck, I'm still paying a high price for the women I dated during the decade before we met). She's extraordinarily attractive and is engaging, knows it, and; constantly tells about the men she's worked with and meets that hit on her... .I love her and have worked hard for years at examining myself, being more understanding, and, helping manage through the disorder.



I could have written this myself. I still get quizzed on the number, frequency, and type of women I dated before her. Not to mention the ___ I get for having watched porn when I was single.   

I know that a lot of my uBPDgf's insecurity stems from having cheated on her ex-husband... .so now she feels like I am going to do it to her and I pay the price for her guilt.

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ziniztar
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« Reply #15 on: July 10, 2014, 03:24:20 AM »

JohnLove,

I could not agree more. I am a very logical person, have a very logic based career, and a very deep need to understand how and why thing happen the way they do. So it makes it very difficult for me to comprehend and process actions and reactions that are based solely on emotion and false perceptions.

I hear what you're saying. I am both: feel quite strong emotions - but also highly intelligent. Soak up all the knowledge you can find about the disorder; it will help you understand why she is reacting in a certain way. Even if you don't understand the content, you can understand the process Smiling (click to insert in post).

This one really helped:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0

especially the pictures in... .

Emotions, emotions - does thinking matter at all?

Stemming the tide of emotions going our way.

Also: understanding that reality is shared and open to debate - feelings are individual and real. It doesn't matter if you understand them. As long as you acknowledge that she feels it that way.

Good luck  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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