Should I re-establish r/s with my child later in life?

[enlighten me]

I split from my exgf about 2 months ago and Im starting to worry how to handle it if she try's to recycle me.

We have a son together who is nearly 14 months old and I want to not spoil any chance I have of seeing him.

I have no intention of getting back with her but need to be able to handle it in a way that doesn't paint me black.

I am as certain as any of us can be that she has BPD. She is undiagnosed but she ticks nearly all be boxes and the stories on here could have been written about our relationship.

I also realise that she has cheated on me. I have no evidence but she gave one of those dressed up confessions that was put across as a question and other circumstances all point towards it.

Now what do I say if she asks why I wont get back together with her?

I don't want to lie but I obviously cant turn around and say " Its because youre a lying cheated &%$@ who has a personality disorder".

I feel that anything I say will blow up in my face.

I may be worrying over nothing and she could already be seeing someone but I'd rather be prepared if she does ask me.

Thanks

[Tausk]

Have you read the co parenting board?

[heartandwhole]

Hi enlighten me,

It's great that you are looking for tips to help you manage communication with your ex.  I'm not sure if you've seen our resources on this that can really help?  If she wants to get back together, you can make that an unattractive proposition by indicating that you aren't doing well, you don't know what you want right now, etc., which can have the effect of lessening her interest.

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

Here is another resource for communicating with your ex while co-parenting:

How to "Ex" Communicate (Parenting after the divorce)

Keeping communication brief, impersonal, and unemotional will probably be the best strategy. 

[enlighten me]

Hi Heartandwhole

Ive been through breaking up with my ex wife who looking back shows all the signs of being low functioning BPD. I somehow managed to stumble my way through and have come out of it fairly unscathed.

My UBPD exgf though is very high functioning. I don't want to completely scare her off which I could very easily do with everything Ive learned on here. I realise that she cant change unless she wants to but as we have a son together and she has 2 other children I feel I cant sit back and enjoy the train wreck.

I know that people may see this as not wanting to let her go and that Im making excuses to try and rekindle the relationship but Im stronger than that.

I am torn between letting her get on and wreck 3 childrens lives and then try and pick up the pieces when theyre older or try and do something now and prevent years of heartache.

So back to the original question what to say to keep my distance but not drive her off. Its a bit different to what has been covered as far as I can see.

[Tausk]

Hi Heartandwhole

Ive been through breaking up with my ex wife who looking back shows all the signs of being low functioning BPD. I somehow managed to stumble my way through and have come out of it fairly unscathed.

My UBPD exgf though is very high functioning. I don't want to completely scare her off which I could very easily do with everything Ive learned on here. I realise that she cant change unless she wants to but as we have a son together and she has 2 other children I feel I cant sit back and enjoy the train wreck.

I know that people may see this as not wanting to let her go and that Im making excuses to try and rekindle the relationship but Im stronger than that.

I am torn between letting her get on and wreck 3 childrens lives and then try and pick up the pieces when theyre older or try and do something now and prevent years of heartache.

So back to the original question what to say to keep my distance but not drive her off. Its a bit different to what has been covered as far as I can see.

Again, part of the answers are found on learning about the Disorder.  One step is to read 2010 from beginning to end.

One step is to learn the non violent communication techniques that are taught in the staying sections.  This may reduce triggers on both sides.

And the coparenting board has covered probably most of the issues there.  Have you read the coparenting board beginning to end yet.  

There are not magic answers.  It's a Disorder.  And if there were any discreet answers they would be posted in big block letters everywhere and everyone would be able to live in their fantasies with their exes.  The Disorder is relationally based.  So we have to improve ourselves through work to make those changes, because the Disorder will not change.   

If you want what you say, it will take a tremendous amount of work.  But the skills are good for everyday life.  Such as listening, validating, empathizing... .speaking only when it improves the silence.  

[enlighten me]

Thanks Tausk

I am slowly getting through it all but theres a lot to take in. Also just got walking on eggshells so reading that aswell.

I get back home in 10 days so trying to prepare as best I can. Ive worked out some of her triggers and even manage to trigger her on purpose and then calm her down with validation. Just not sure I will get it right as I can never be sure which way she might jump.

[Tausk]

Thanks Tausk

I am slowly getting through it all but theres a lot to take in. Also just got walking on eggshells so reading that aswell.

I get back home in 10 days so trying to prepare as best I can. Ive worked out some of her triggers and even manage to trigger her on purpose and then calm her down with validation. Just not sure I will get it right as I can never be sure which way she might jump.

Take it easy and give yourself a break.  And hang in there.  It takes time to get grounded.  But you seem committed.  Take heart in that there have been people who have the traveled the path before us and can guide us.  And take heart in how much you've learned so quickly. 

It's clear proof that we can change, grow, learn and become the people we have always wanted to be.

As crazy and confusing as it all is, we are doing and I have faith that we will continue to grow.

In support

T

[enlighten me]

Once again thanks Tausk

Ive travelled this road once before. Didn't know what it was then just knew it was crazy.

In the 2-3 weeks Ive been aware of BPD I have learnt a lot, realised a lot, looked inward and grounded myself.

Yes the feelings are still lurking in the background but the realisation that my ex wife was almost definitely BPD and the parallels between her and my exgf have shot me so far along the road to recovery that I feel strong enough to cope with what is needed now. I just hope that I don't mess it up by handling it badly.