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Author Topic: Should have seen this coming  (Read 385 times)
KBNML

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 15


« on: July 04, 2014, 12:15:59 AM »

       Well Things were climbing out of the hole we had dug ourselfs into.

I am standing up for my self and expressing things I thought were pulling me back towards CoDepent side. I was expressing it positively for her because there was good in the way she was responding.  The reasons for having to make the choices not so good.  She has been at her parents house, their gone for the summer,(she is 3hrs away from me).  While down there she was stressed and bad coping skills kicked in 1000.00 spent on shopping to feel good! that was over a month ago now we are seeing the fallout. She is on unemployment, how she can be 3 hrs away after being fire in april. She spent a few smaller amounts lately. Her parents wanted to know where the 150 for utilities was. I had been telling her we needed to keep a min. balance in the bank account of 600 to make rent payment. The day before rent is due she pays parents, we are now short rent, for two days. The positive thing was she has been talking about buying the house and making some updates. She wanted me to ask owner about a CD so I did the day before see pulls the money out. She was talking the talk, showing positive, signs trusting me by staying here for 9 of last 15 days. we were not fighting things felt ok positive. The real reason she was here, had no money to put Ds in childcare. (openly stated by me) Then she started new sleeping meds for not sleeping, very restless. this is one for her signs of a major dissociation event coming on. Where she wakes up was a 3yr old. She made a good choice and stayed for a few days part of nine days. she left Ds 1.5 and 3 with me and my mom as daycare for two days so she could return for 2 of her groups she meets with down there. I challeged her last night about the rent choice and we got into a slow building negative disagreement over anything that had been neg. before, I was doing in relationship.

This after I assist in her having time to do job finding things down there total of 4 days. Helped her with (her asking me for help) on different ways to get thing done she needed to do to keep unemployment coming. We had some heart felt talks about us and the home and family. Now Im back to the black hole. The talks today have been get more negative and twisted with history as the day goes on. This is the twisted part I just got from her.

I had told her earlier that with her telling me that she was not sleeping and the stress she was under and the emotion in her voice. I was not sure about her having the girls yet. I wanted to know what her plan was for the way she was feeling as she stated. remember she is going to be alone with Ds 1.5  and 3. this her email reply:

you need to trust that I am taking all measures to ensure the girls are being taken care of.

YOU are contributing alot to my stress level and the fact that you argued with me when I was trying to compromise ticked me off.  I feel that you are not supportive of what I need to do in order to take the next step in MY career.  If you were than you would be helping me instead of setting up road blocks (money, daycare, location, inability to hold a job, marriage, the boys, your mom, your insecurities ect.)  Right now what I need to do is get back on track as I was previously doing. 

I am super tired as I went for a great run, spent MORE time on the computer updating crap and am now wanting to go to bed so I can enjoy tomorrow.

I will see you at 1:00   sat.

end.

She started the day off with me having Ds for whole weekend.

Location is it's a larger meto area at parents house. wants to stay down there with Ds

The job thing is her, I have a solid work history and great paying job. Maybe because I talk about her getting one? not sure?

boys are my 2S from 1st marriage


I should have seen it coming and not got sucked in. But Im, I miss reading this? Is she say again that All the listed things above are the things blocking her from getting a job and moving into a new career?  

I'm Planning On sitting on it As long as I can. I don't think she left out an area in our (MY) life.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I will be looking back for trigger (thinking job search stress) and signs of how, Im now going to the black side again.
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an0ught
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
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« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2014, 03:15:11 PM »

Hi KBNML

Excerpt
Thanks for letting me vent.

you are welcome 

Talking about venting this is what her email also is - venting at you. But unlike me who can shrug your venting off you are much closer to her and struggle to shrug it off. It is also not just venting but written with an accusatory voice baiting you to respond.

Not all things that are thrown in our direction deserve a response. Avoiding JADE is good rule of thumb. When baited into JADEing just keep your mouth shut and start counting.

Now venting while not totally healthy sometimes is needed and it can provide some insights into the emotions of the other side. Reading what she wrote I have to say there is a lot of helpful stuff in there - she labels her emotions and they are emotions that in her situation make sense. Ability to do some amount of self validation is a good sign.

In case you want to respond - validate her emotion  (a good start is: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0) . Don't go into problem solving. She needs to find a job - that is tough for her. It is frustrating. She feels overwhelmed. It is very important that she hears these things in regular intervals so she can keep those pesky emotions in check. With her emotions in check her behavior will tend to improve.
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
enlighten me
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« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2014, 03:30:14 PM »

Hi KBNML

Im just curious but is that a copy and paste of her email or did you write it.

The reason I ask is Im trying to see if there is a link between their mood and how they punctuate and spell things. So far Ive noticed from my ex that when she was disregulated she would use out of place punctuation and make spelling mistakes but when I was painted black it would be properly punctuated and spelt correctly.
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KBNML

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 15


« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2014, 07:36:18 PM »

Enlighten me,

Yes, this was a copy and paste.

Here are a few others from happy to stressed.

I would also look at how spontaneous you think it as or was it thought about for a few days. I would say my wife is more formal when she has thought about it for a while and is calm but pissed off.

morning after I asked her to marry me. (All emails are full and format. Some of the words were of different color type, this is done more on the happy side. Last nights did have a few colors.) 

Ok so I have been thinking about you all day for some reason. SO looking forward to spending a wknd of cuddeling, relaxing, sleeping in, food in bed and whatever else our little hearts decided to do.

Good dreams last night involving white dresses, flowers, mountains, bright colors, kids and smiles.

See you around 4:30.

Love you

A week later.

Hey you.

Pretty relaxing morning so far.

OK so are these positions one's you can apply for Right Now?  That's the first question. If so than you would have to focus on the key qualifications and go from there. No doubt you have the ability to perform the tasks, it would be showing Excel that you do.

I thought we were climbing tonight b/c jigging starts at 6.  Still havent heard who is all joining in on the fun.  Regardless i'll look all cute in my GREEN atire.

Last night was fun.  See I can relax and have a good time

Havent eaten my dinner yet.  Dont worry about the tip.

Well i'm off for a staffing,  Talk with you later. Should be done around 4:30 or so.

Have a good one and I LOVE YOU ALOT!

Here is stressed but handling it ok

I am trying to make a responsible decision here.  In all honesty the money that would be spent on sending me out to these interviews should be used for saving for when the baby comes.  As of now we have absolutely NO savings what so ever for her, not to mention we need to purchase some larger items.  I guess i'm trying to not be selfish and think of her first. 

To answer your question, if you somehow do get a job you'll have to make the decision to move away from your boys or not.

If you do decide to move than you'll do that and i'll stay here.  I feel that up and moving at this point is not going to be benificial for me.  I dont think I could go through trying to find new providers in all aspects of my life, not to mention I researched XXXXX and there really isnt anything there. The closest would be ZZZZZ which is two hours away.   I think the best course of action is what you stated a ways back.  For me to stick around until after the baby is born and then decide from there.

look at my other posts for more the black side of things. I have most of our emails for a way to look back for clues also. about 5 year total. It has helped a few times.

anOught,

Thank you for the ideas!

I will have to give those areas a closer look and see how I can validate the most likely feelngs.

I  know she is Baiting me. That is How it started again I got through a few round on the phone before I got sucked in. I knew that she was doing it yesterday also.  She wants to have a solid reason to validate her pushing me away. At least that has been the motivation in the past.

Sorry, need to go Ds aare waking up.

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enlighten me
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2014, 12:39:11 AM »

Hi KBNML

Like I said before ive been looking at how a BPDs mood affects their writing.

From what ive seen so far when you are painted white they use punctuation which is out of context (not all the time as every BPD is different) as is trying to spill out the inner turmoil. They also don't pay as much attention to their spelling.

When you are painted black everything seems to be perfect. No out of place punctuation and no spelling mistakes. This seems to explain to me why a person with BPD can hold down and do well at jobs as they detach their emotions from it.

It would be interesting to see if my theory holds any grounds as it would be a useful tool as you could show it to a therapist as hard and fast evidence.
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2014, 03:05:39 PM »

 

In my r/s dysregulation means many whacky emails and texts... .complete stream of consciousness... .no editing

Probably a pretty good view into uBPDw mind.

When she is normal she uses appropriate punctuation and emails and texts are well formatted.

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