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Skills we were never taught
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Author Topic: I told her she needs help ...  (Read 510 times)
Fanie
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« on: July 04, 2014, 06:55:23 AM »

Our History:

10 years together

Kiddos 3 and 5

Pasts 10 years hectic, especially cheating on me

Triangulate me with her friends etc

Recent History:

I found this family

bouncing from staying to leaving

Finally decided to STAY

I saw a T because I thought she was a sociopath

after my rambling, he said she rather has BPD

That was 6 weeks ago

On advice of this board I decided not to tell her

Been reading a lot in the mean time to educate myself

Today:

She suffers from IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and

was in bed yesterday and today with rather very uncomfortable pain

I went to visit her at home from work around lunch time and gave her some

printouts from the Net about IBS as I believe she is using the totally wrong

diet (and alcohol) aggravating her IBS.

Then a very interesting thing happened (God's hand)

When she was reading the print she asked me, pointing at her head is

IBS not from here ? 

Wow - surprise !

I took the "advantage" to ask her: (we are not really communicating for a long time)

How often do you feel depressed - she said almost daily

How often are you anxious - she said maybe once or twice a week

How often to you feel to throw you handbag down and just run away - she said sometimes

I saw a change in her face - as if she realizes something (she became sad... .I think)

(unfortunately by this time I was in overdrive and shaking inside and word did not come

to ask more questions)

I recovered and told her that, what we are talking about is exactly the

problem in our relationship ( she nodded!) its not that we need marriage councelling

and SHE AGREED ... .

I told her that its not only IBS:

SHE is suffering daily, and not because its her fault... .its about something ... .

and also me and the kids are suffering, that especially our girl is developing very

much insubordination tendencies

(obviously I cant type everything and emotions here) anyway

I emphasized that it was not her fault, but that she needs help urgently, for HER sake first

and for the sake of the kidddos

and lastly the sake of our marriage

I told her that I will never leave her - that I will be there for her always

She started sobbing softly (She realized something ?)

and I took her in my arms, hugging her for the first time in 6 months

for 5 minutes!

I also told her she will not be happy with the guys she slept with,

and she knows that its not fair to me

(sobbing stopped)

I told her again and again its not her fault

I told her she need help and that I will be there all the way for her

but that I cant force her and that she must decide to do it for HER - I cant do it

(I didn't tell her she is BPD -only that she needs help)

In between I also told her (when I said I will not leave her, that however;

if she cheats on me again i'm going to leave her and going to take the kids with me

(in my country it seems as if the court will give me sole paternal rights with

the evidence gathered by me over the past 6 months and more)

She then had to get ready to leave for a funeral this weekend, out of town

On the way to the bus stop she told me about the person who's funeral she was

going to, and her family relationship to this person (does not look sad anymore)

She left

The kiddos will be with me at home

I was thinking to go there on Sunday (im working Saturday) but she

might think Im snooping ?

What on earth is my next move ?
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stuckgirl
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« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2014, 08:55:59 AM »

good for you :-) i hope things go well from you from now.

perhaps the next time she's in a better mood,and both of you are having a heart to heart,perhaps cuddling,alone,make her some cocoa Smiling (click to insert in post),keep reassuring her that you will not leave her... sort of.make sure she feels secure and go extra miles to make her feel happy and securer,then say something like remember we talked about getting some help for you because i want to see you happier,i talked to a psychiatrist,or i have the number here and since im your SO,i want to make the call for you if you dont mind... .that might make her feel securer,tell her just to explore options,see how she can get help.

please do not bring the topic up again in any down moment,most pwBPD will not accept such a conversation in a depressed/insecure moment.

i think you could go on about like this for a while
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an0ught
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« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2014, 01:16:13 PM »

Hi Fanie,

excellent communication  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Instead of labeling her BPD clearly validating where her pain is. This helps her seeing the pain, getting calmer, more rationale about it and possibly doing something about it. And that brings up the next move - the ball is in her court.

She got a number of specific problems - they are addressable but you can't do it. Her problem. You can support but initiative needs to be mostly on her side. She needs to want to change because she is the only one who can change herself.

It will be a balancing act of keeping the ball rolling and keeping it in her court.
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
Fanie
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« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2014, 01:34:06 PM »



Instead of labeling her BPD clearly validating where her pain is.

It will be a balancing act of keeping the ball rolling and keeping it in her court.

Being on this board I learnt a lot and I am quite aware that she is the one to make the choice and I never mentioned BPD at all

She is away now for the next 2 days. I am not going to discuss anything at all in this two days

on the phone with her

My problem is, when she gets back on sunday, what do I do ?

- Keep quiet (because she knows something is in the air) ?

- write her a letter ?

- give her something to read about BPD ?

- if that, any suggestions what to give her ?

I am clueless at this moment - I need more info "how to balance the act" as you said anOught

The momentum is gone , she had to leave for the bus then... .eish ... .
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Fanie
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« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2014, 01:44:06 PM »



Another thing: "where is her pain" ?

please, again clueless here
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2014, 10:29:32 PM »

Instead of labeling her BPD clearly validating where her pain is.

It will be a balancing act of keeping the ball rolling and keeping it in her court.

Being on this board I learnt a lot and I am quite aware that she is the one to make the choice and I never mentioned BPD at all

She is away now for the next 2 days. I am not going to discuss anything at all in this two days

on the phone with her

My problem is, when she gets back on sunday, what do I do ?

- Keep quiet (because she knows something is in the air) ?

- write her a letter ?

- give her something to read about BPD ?

- if that, any suggestions what to give her ?

I am clueless at this moment - I need more info "how to balance the act" as you said anOught

The momentum is gone , she had to leave for the bus then... .eish ... .

Stay away from letters.  You can't control the mood when they read them.  If you stay verbal... .you can watch moods.  Validate... .take breaks... .much better situation.

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dog_star

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« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2014, 04:29:50 AM »

My wife has recently been diagnosed with BPD. In our case we had been working with a therapist for sometime. The therapist suspected BPD and I also felt strongly that it was BPD after reading up on it. The therapist thought that there would be a better chance of having her accept the diagnoses with the results of the structured clinical interview test. We got her tested which confirmed BPD. Armed with the test results the therapist informed her. This was rejected at first but she seems to be accepting it more as the days go by... .

In the past few months it has been hard not to say anything to her about my suspicions, but the chance of my opinion being taken seriously by her is often near zero. Especially when she is deregulated - suggesting that she had a personality disorder would definitely set my wife off.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation.
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formflier
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« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2014, 12:56:26 PM »

My wife has recently been diagnosed with BPD. In our case we had been working with a therapist for sometime. The therapist suspected BPD and I also felt strongly that it was BPD after reading up on it. The therapist thought that there would be a better chance of having her accept the diagnoses with the results of the structured clinical interview test. We got her tested which confirmed BPD. Armed with the test results the therapist informed her. This was rejected at first but she seems to be accepting it more as the days go by... .

In the past few months it has been hard not to say anything to her about my suspicions, but the chance of my opinion being taken seriously by her is often near zero. Especially when she is deregulated - suggesting that she had a personality disorder would definitely set my wife off.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

Were you in the room when the therapist informed her?  I may be getting the diagnosis this coming week for my uBPDw.  We have each been working individually with the same T (family T guy) and my wife told me today that he wants to see us both together.

I know there have been several session of "testing and evaluations". 

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dog_star

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« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2014, 09:04:32 PM »

no I was not in the room when she was informed. the therapist called me at the end of the appointment and informed me of the results, with my wife's permission. I was anxious about how everything would unfold. one problem that came up was that she wanted information on who new what when. she was feeling like there had been a conspiracy between myself and the therapist. I did not really have a good plan in place for this. how to be truthful (as the therapist and I had been talking about the possibility of BPD for sometime) but at the same time not feed into her fears. I did not really do a good job.

I hope that it goes smoothly for you if you get the diagnosis next week.
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Fanie
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« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2014, 02:05:25 AM »

During the weekend:

She lied (again)

There was no funeral - it was a party (as usual)

She actually told me on Sunday, it was her brother's birthday this weekend

As we don't talk (the "normal" silent treatment

we did a lot of whatsapp where I tried to validate

and assured her many time of my love for her

and also the love from the kiddos

she was very upset that I accused her of being "sick"

as a matter of fact she says that im the sick one and that she will move out asap

after 5 message I send her about how I wish the family to be together as a loving family

my love and the kids loving her - she stopped replaying ?

Why ?

She returned home Sunday

Quiet treatment continued

But I can see she is not well

(is she "realizing" something "wrong" with her ?)

Is she in pain?

What is the pain?

How to help her with the pain ?


At the moment im stuck, not knowing what to do

I want to send a another message just to try to validate

But what?

What di I say to her to help her ?

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Fanie
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« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2014, 04:20:03 AM »

will a letter like this do ?    

Dear Wife of Mine, I know I should have sent this to you sooner- I sometimes don't know how to tell you how I feel. You're the most beautiful thing my eyes get to see every day; and even when I'm away, you are still in my view. You never fade from my sight. I know I don't always tell you what you need to hear. It's hard for me to come up with the words, because I'm a simple man and I have a hard time admitting what I'm feeling. I just want you to know that your my whole world and I never want or need anything else. The creator knew exactly what I needed when He made you. Your smile washes away the struggles of my day. Your laugh makes me feel alive. Being in your arms is like being at home. I feel accepted, wanted and relaxed. Your presence makes me at ease and you are my safe place to land. You let me be me, and you love me anyway. Your voice, your touch, your smell, are always what I long for when I'm away. You are never not on my mind. When I'm busy working and earning a living, I feel it's an honor and a privilege to provide for you, my wife and the beautiful family we made. Face it, girl, you're my whole world. Don't you ever fret or worry as you grow older with age. You are always beautiful to me. I always see you as my bride -every day. Thanks for putting up with me. For loving me in spite of my foolish notions, the mistakes I make, and my weaknesses. I am always learning something valuable from you. I love your heart. You're so gentle and so kind. I have a good woman by my side. There's nothing more I could ever want. You and the kids and God are all I need. Thank you, Baby for making my life better than it could ever be. I love you, always and forever. ~ Love, Your Husband
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Fanie
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« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2014, 07:47:13 AM »

Its now almost two weeks later

We chat, very superficially and mostly about the kids and crèche

When I am home after work at 21:00, she is on the cell for hours

talking to the unknown

Don't know what should be my next step ... .

At the moment im with the flow ... .

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woodsposse
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« Reply #12 on: July 17, 2014, 08:08:33 AM »

I am so sorry you are going through such a trying and confusing time.  Personally, I have been through exactly what you are going through... .almost down to the exact wording of everything - so I know precisely how you are feeling.

Do you have support locally?  As in a therapist or someone you can talk to face to face?  Being here is a great and we are all here to support you, but I think having someone local will help you as well.
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Fanie
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« Reply #13 on: July 17, 2014, 08:38:02 AM »

Unfortunately not  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Living in a town in South Africa

There are a few T's in town, however the one I consulted to

enquire about my W didn't seem to be too interested and

told me he will e-mail me stuff to read citing

"i don't think she will come right"

unbelievable really... .

400km from the closest city  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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woodsposse
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« Reply #14 on: July 17, 2014, 09:45:11 AM »

 

I wish there was more I could say to help ease some of wht you are going through.  It sounds to me like you are sitting between a rock and a hard place.  It is really at a time like this you have to make some very difficult decisions.  I know the links on the right (Working on a BPD Relationshings) have some very useful information, as well as posts and comments from other members are very useful.

But at the end of the day - you have to make hard choices.  And I know it isn't easy. Trust me... .I know exactly how difficult this is.

All I can say is... .I am here to support you in what you want to do.

But I will give you a quick heads up about me... .I tend to be blunt from time to time.  That's just me.  So if I ever come across to blunt - just know... .I can be blunt.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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formflier
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« Reply #15 on: July 17, 2014, 10:48:05 AM »

Unfortunately not  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Living in a town in South Africa

There are a few T's in town, however the one I consulted to

enquire about my W didn't seem to be too interested and

told me he will e-mail me stuff to read citing

"i don't think she will come right"

unbelievable really... .

400km from the closest city  Smiling (click to insert in post)

OK... .so in your situation... .we need to think clearly on how to proceed without a T. 

So... .you will have these boards and whatever books you can get to read.

Can you give us a list of what you have read so far?

Hang in there! 
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« Reply #16 on: July 17, 2014, 10:02:11 PM »

Fanie, did you ever give your wife that beautiful letter you wrote? It sounded so sincere and loving, to me, and I'm just curious if she ever read it, and if she did, I'm wondering how she reacted to it?

I'm sorry for the troubles you have been having, and for how hurtful things are for you... .woodsposse is right, though... .The links to the right-hand side of this page are really helpful, and sometimes when I wasn't on speaking terms with my Husband, I would read and learn and try to figure out what I would say when the time came up. You can use your down-time with your wife to help yourself by learning how to cope with all of this, and maybe make things better with her in the end, too.

Here are a few links that I think you might find helpful: Radical Acceptance for family members, Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability and Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts .

The reason I mention these subjects is because several years ago my husband had a 2.5 year affair which tortured me and turned me into someone who clung to him and wouldn't let go. This only served to drive him further away from me, and after I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and I started the process of learning the information in the links above (and in the book, too. I highly recommend it, Fanie!), things changed radically in the dynamics of our marriage.

Within months of my changing the way I had been acting--and unfortunately, I was acting very much the way you are, now--I became less co-dependent with him and stronger in my independence, and he gave up his mistress and realized his mistakes, and we reconciled. That was 27 years ago; we are now married for 40 years  Being cool (click to insert in post)  He still has BPD traits (his Mom is full-blown BPD and he's inherited some of her behaviors), and I need to use the Communication tools & techniques that I've learned on this site. But we are happy and our family is still together.

Maybe the information that helped me so many years ago, and also today, could help you in some way too, Fanie... .

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