my upbd boyfriend has started to talk only in baby tones and isnt understandable

[stuckgirl]

just a little history here.i met him ten months ago,he was very articulate,would talk a lot,listen,i was the centre of his existence,the love of his life,the ground i walked on was blessed,the breath i drew was amazing,lights twinkled in his eyes when he met me,i fell for him hard,kind of made him the centre of my world.he just seemed to deserve every thing.

then he started having intimacy issues,jealousy,possessiveness,started raging over trivial things,being disappointed,threatening to break up,blaming and accusing things which were not true,accused me of cheating,told his and my whole family and circle of friends i had cheated,and promptly went on to verbally abuse me on an every day basis,for the next six months

four months into the relationship i realized he had BPD,looked at the symptoms and they were match for match.

its stable between us,we seem to have agreed to stop fighting for the last few weeks,im trying to make my peace with that its always going to be this way,he's never going to honestly care about me.his empathy was just an act,it evaporated on the first touch of an issue.

there is this problem now that ive noticed for the past two to three weeks... i dont know what to do and i  know i shouldn't feel irritated if he gets intimate over the phone but... its extremely HARD trying to have a conversation with him.it is one of the most frustrating things i have experienced up till now in our r/s,including verbal abuse,projecting.

we dont live together now over the phone he has started answering me in baby tones only (i dont know if its believable or not but i swear its true) everything i say,every word,he answers from one of his five or six responses

'wow thats is amazing FULLSTOP'

'you're amazing SILENCE'

'give me a kiss',promptly making a smacking noise himself if i dont immediately

'i said give me a kiss'

'i want you,you're so hot'

for example if i tell him im planning to move the tv into my bedroom,i swear,i SWEAR he will say 'amazing,how did you think of this?'... .

if i say im a little hungry i wanna go up and eat something,he'll say 'wow,you're amazing'

to which i dont know what to say

if i even try to keep the conversation going,for example say something like 'whats amazing?',in a friendly way,he will say, 'you are'.i sometimes persist and change the subject,he later says you changed the subject and didnt give me a kiss... i swear i could kill myself.

when im talking,he's making nonstop smacking noises in the background and saying,take three kisses more,here take two more,interrupting me periodically with youre so cute,and keeps on and on and on making kissing noises until i stop talking and wait for a reply,to which he says 'give me a kiss first'

at first i thought perhaps he's playing a game or mocking,but it doesnt seem like that,i said to him today,that will you stop kidding around and just talk for a bit... he got a little depressed,however within minutes he was again saying 'kiss me' stated making kissing sounds,in a baby voice and seemed to be his happier self.

its driving me crazy,im literally on the verge of losing my mind,pulling hair out in tufts if i have to!

i dont know if its right to feel this way but after three weeks i feel like punching someone,him most likely

does anyone think this is normal pwBPD behaviour?what is this? help me people.

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[SybilVane]

I totally understand... .

On the beggining I found this 'funny', but with time I started to feel very irritated with this.Especially regarding the 'baby tone voice'... .my BPD BF (or ex, I still don't know) not only talk like this, but act also, with gestures, facial movements. Sings songs like this also... .affff

If he does this just a little, it's ok, the problem is when he enter in this mode and act like this for many minutes, even half a hour... .

[stuckgirl]

I totally understand... .

On the beggining I found this 'funny', but with time I started to feel very irritated with this.Especially regarding the 'baby tone voice'... .my BPD BF (or ex, I still don't know) not only talk like this, but act also, with gestures, facial movements. Sings songs like this also... .affff

If he does this just a little, it's ok, the problem is when he enter in this mode and act like this for many minutes, even half a hour... .

does it happen to you too? how do you not know if you're still together? i feel rotten for feeling this way but at the time im thinking,is he crazy he doesnt realize how he's acting,i can put the phone away and work in the meanwhile he wont even realize ive gone away,he'd be so busy kissing the phone or something.its so frustrating.

did your boyfriend/exboyfriend get upset if he 'asked' you for a kiss and you didnt kiss him back? mine makes such a deal out of it,properly asks me that at that particular time,during that particular hour,when he asked me to kiss him back,why did i not?

i mean i tell him,guess what,ive been accepted for internship in an art college that ive been dying for,and he goes congrats,youre amazing,kiss kiss kiss,give me a kiss.and thats our discussion on the stupid internship,the rest,i knew you could do it,gotta go watch football.

its embarassing to even admit this,he just starts this crazy behavior and,like you said,can really go for hours.i know pwBPD act childishly sometimes when in stress or think stubbornly,but to act like a baby or child,

could you deal with him doing it? or did you ask him to stop,did you develop a big problem with it?

this behavior prevents me from simply having a conversation with him and in those moments,to be honest,i just wish to shake him or tell him he's grossing me out.if i did that he would really never act like this horrible way again.

[SybilVane]

does it happen to you too? how do you not know if you're still together? i feel rotten for feeling this way but at the time im thinking,is he crazy he doesnt realize how he's acting,i can put the phone away and work in the meanwhile he wont even realize ive gone away,he'd be so busy kissing the phone or something.its so frustrating.

did your boyfriend/exboyfriend get upset if he 'asked' you for a kiss and you didnt kiss him back? mine makes such a deal out of it,properly asks me that at that particular time,during that particular hour,when he asked me to kiss him back,why did i not?

i mean i tell him,guess what,ive been accepted for internship in an art college that ive been dying for,and he goes congrats,youre amazing,kiss kiss kiss,give me a kiss.and thats our discussion on the stupid internship,the rest,i knew you could do it,gotta go watch football.

its embarassing to even admit this,he just starts this crazy behavior and,like you said,can really go for hours.i know pwBPD act childishly sometimes when in stress or think stubbornly,but to act like a baby or child,

could you deal with him doing it? or did you ask him to stop,did you develop a big problem with it?

this behavior prevents me from simply having a conversation with him and in those moments,to be honest,i just wish to shake him or tell him he's grossing me out.if i did that he would really never act like this horrible way again.[/quote]
I could never tell him how this kind of behavior irritates me. I try to make him stop by telling him 'look, I almost can not understand what you say' (and mostly of times I really can't, he's french, I'm brazilian, we speak in english, he has a strong accent that makes simply impossible of understanding depending on the 'level' of baby voice). I think he guess I find this funny, but it's the opposite (and it's not sexy AT ALL, if I am kissing him or so and he starts to do this, I immediatelly lose any sexual interest).

He also does this when he wants to show me something: 'look my baby, look!" - with baby voice, baby eyes, baby face. Or starts to sing silly songs like 'my baby, is my little babbbyyyyy... .she's so preeetyyyyyyyy and lovelyyyyyyyyyyyy because she's my babyyyyyyyyyyyy' . This kind of, with baby voice... .

I don't know if we still together since we had a discussion last week regarding the fact he thought I was taking so much time to buy the tickets to go to his country, and so he gave me a ultimatum: i should buy the tickets in two days or never. Since I've declined, he simply cut the contact. I've sent him one email on the following day (he never opened) and one more yesterday (he read, but hasnt answered me until now)

I think you should try to talk to him about, maybe try with a 'joke', dont let him perceive this as a 'heavy subject'. Maybe you could say, in a joke tone: 'ahhhh I feel like an old mother when you do this'... .Anyway, if you deal like this as a heavy subject, I suppose he'll feel rejected. So be careful. Probably he will not stop once for all, but with time, this will start to disappear... .

Wish you good luck )

[bobcat2014]

My wife started doing this a few months ago. I thought she had a mild stroke or injured her head. It was only after this self mumbling and gas lighting that I discovered BPD after some research. I can just watch my wife have an entire conversation with her self, mumbling, facial expressions and hand gestures. I dont know if its related or not, but her gaslighting and recollection of facts started up bad. Things we resolved years ago.

[an0ught]

Hi stuckgirl,

does anyone think this is normal pwBPD behaviour?what is this? help me people.

don't know. Maybe it is a display of his emotional maturity or the lack there-off. Maybe it allows him to shed the overwhelming feeling of responsibility of being an adult. See I'm helpless - pity me.

He needs to grow up - but these things don't happen overnight.

I suspect his odd behavior is dysfunctional coping and not directed much towards you except for seeking pity. The question is - where is the harm? It infuriates you - probably as it invalidates you. Here validation can help making more clear what is happening allowing both sides to tune emotional volume down. Stopping all out what he doing right now may not be so productive - if it is a coping mechanism then there is always the question - with what will it be replaced and if it is not replaced it leads to dysregulation. This is what makes BPD so baffling - the observable symptoms from the outside can be all over the place and pwBPD can behave very differently in different contexts. He needs healthier coping mechanisms while being weaned off his current baby coping.

You post reminded me of Eurythmics - Here Comes the Rain Again

So baby talk to me

Like lovers do

Walk with me

Like lovers do

Talk to me

Like lovers do

There is a time and place for less well formulated talk. You could use boundaries to push back in certain situations refusing to engage his baby self when it is not appropriate. You have a right to be respected and communicate with like an adult (and not baby talk and not like his mother). You are also with a partner that can't give that to you all the time. It is balancing act. Become too much of an emotional cushion and you will be the dumping ground for all his problems on the outside. Worse you keep him from growing up. Support him not enough and he will crumble.

It ain't easy  

[AimingforMastery]

This is a new one to me, but yes, I have to say my ex would speak in baby tones too... .

And then if someone else came by she would talk like an adult & somehow thought I didn't notice... .

Well, duh... .

In many, many ways I am so glad I am out of it... .

[stuckgirl]

does it happen to you too? how do you not know if you're still together? i feel rotten for feeling this way but at the time im thinking,is he crazy he doesnt realize how he's acting,i can put the phone away and work in the meanwhile he wont even realize ive gone away,he'd be so busy kissing the phone or something.its so frustrating.

did your boyfriend/exboyfriend get upset if he 'asked' you for a kiss and you didnt kiss him back? mine makes such a deal out of it,properly asks me that at that particular time,during that particular hour,when he asked me to kiss him back,why did i not?

i mean i tell him,guess what,ive been accepted for internship in an art college that ive been dying for,and he goes congrats,youre amazing,kiss kiss kiss,give me a kiss.and thats our discussion on the stupid internship,the rest,i knew you could do it,gotta go watch football.

its embarassing to even admit this,he just starts this crazy behavior and,like you said,can really go for hours.i know pwBPD act childishly sometimes when in stress or think stubbornly,but to act like a baby or child,

could you deal with him doing it? or did you ask him to stop,did you develop a big problem with it?

this behavior prevents me from simply having a conversation with him and in those moments,to be honest,i just wish to shake him or tell him he's grossing me out.if i did that he would really never act like this horrible way again.

He also does this when he wants to show me something: 'look my baby, look!" - with baby voice, baby eyes, baby face. Or starts to sing silly songs like 'my baby, is my little babbbyyyyy... .she's so preeetyyyyyyyy and lovelyyyyyyyyyyyy because she's my babyyyyyyyyyyyy' . This kind of, with baby voice... .

Wish you good luck )[/quote]
that would make me puke   something not to miss about him  hang in there.

Hi stuckgirl,

does anyone think this is normal pwBPD behaviour?what is this? help me people.

don't know. Maybe it is a display of his emotional maturity or the lack there-off. Maybe it allows him to shed the overwhelming feeling of responsibility of being an adult. See I'm helpless - pity me.

He needs to grow up - but these things don't happen overnight.

I suspect his odd behavior is dysfunctional coping and not directed much towards you except for seeking pity. The question is - where is the harm? It infuriates you - probably as it invalidates you. Here validation can help making more clear what is happening allowing both sides to tune emotional volume down. Stopping all out what he doing right now may not be so productive - if it is a coping mechanism then there is always the question - with what will it be replaced and if it is not replaced it leads to dysregulation. This is what makes BPD so baffling - the observable symptoms from the outside can be all over the place and pwBPD can behave very differently in different contexts. He needs healthier coping mechanisms while being weaned off his current baby coping.

You post reminded me of Eurythmics - Here Comes the Rain Again

So baby talk to me

Like lovers do

Walk with me

Like lovers do

Talk to me

Like lovers do

There is a time and place for less well formulated talk. You could use boundaries to push back in certain situations refusing to engage his baby self when it is not appropriate. You have a right to be respected and communicate with like an adult (and not baby talk and not like his mother). You are also with a partner that can't give that to you all the time. It is balancing act. Become too much of an emotional cushion and you will be the dumping ground for all his problems on the outside. Worse you keep him from growing up. Support him not enough and he will crumble.

It ain't easy 

i think he likes doing it,makes him feel like a child,he once told me he likes doing childish things,like watching cartoons... .

the reason i dont think its a coping mechanism is that when he first started doing it about two months back (sort of stopped for a month in the middle) its was a very drastic change from his normal,sensible (as sensible as can be with the BPD) talk,i sort of raised hell for him,i said that you're mocking me,or playing a game with me,i raised all these issues,told him it feels like you're humoring me... .he kept on saying it wasnt that,i asked him why he kept on saying he loved me thirty times in a phone call,why he was making kissing sounds,why wouldnt he just TALK? he simply said i do talk,i love you.

i understood what he had been saying a few weeks later when one night he was extremely dysregulated.started crying like crazy saying something was wrong with him,he didnt know what to do,

he said he knew he was different,wasnt normal... i took him in my arms and he wept like a child,like a poor sad helpless soul who has no idea what to do with his despair... .i dont know,i just said we'll try to find a solution together.he said he talked to me like that because whenever he heard my voice he felt 'love' for me he couldnt help it,he said what should he do,lie,or kill himself then? (he wasnt threatening,just talking and crying)

it  seemed he felt there was no middle ground,just 'showing love a lot' or not at all.

he said some disturbing things too

said my face was with him all day... that sometimes he could feel my presence... .

he said that when i said to talk to him normally,it felt to him like i was invalidating his feelings for me,said made him feel like i was making fun of his feelings...

its a mess like none other ive ever known,how can i convince myself this guy will not attempt suicide if i leave him... .he definitely seems to have done a crash course in when to do it.

im at my wits end,i just dont have the slightest idea what to do.

what must i do...

[pallavirajsinghani]

To me it seems as if this is a major dis-associative episode.   He wants to be soothed.  He cannot soothe himself.  So, he has regressed into being a "baby"... .

It is entirely possible that he is masturbating while he is on the phone with you and making all those kissy noises and telling you how awesome you are... .again... .this type of release is a release of stress and probably does not have a loving, romantic erotic thought aroused by your presence.

Eventually he is going to hate you for not being able to soothe him.  You can love him deeply, you still cannot take his pain away... .because it is woven into the very fabric of his being.  It is at a basic cellular level... .he can manage his disorder by being committed to rigorous, long term, dedicated therapy... .if he chooses to... .you cannot and should not force him to do so... .because then you will be controlling and abusive.

I am not going to give you any advice as to stay with him or to leave him.  All I can tell you is that before you make a decision, think about your own limitations.  You are not a clinician... .you cannot cure him.  Love, compassion, empathy all your good thoughts are not enough to cure mental disorders.

You can, however, still have a relationship with him if you learn some important ways of communications and how to take care of yourself.

Above all, you must be aware of the effects of mental illness on the loved ones... .

Please stay with us and I would encourage you to read all the boards to get a vital broader perspective about this disorder.

God Bless... .

[KateCat]

I believe the above post by pallavirajsinghani offers outstanding insight into your fiancé's particular situation. He is very likely expecting things of you that neither you nor any other lover can provide. It is hard to imagine how his reaction to disappointment in this relationship can be anything other than damaging to both of you--unless you can master the concepts of boundaries and validation taught by the senior members of this community.

[Stalwart]

Wow stuck girl that's totally beyond my experience and I'm really surprized by it. I know during my wife's worse episode of being caught after an affair she turned to real child-like actions saying please, please, please don't leave me and repeating the please another seventy times. Talking to her with any type of reason was just like talking to a four years old with the ridiculous responses and excuses. But to do that on a constant basis - WOW. I can see your concern and how absoulutely annoying that must be.

I can associate with the people  saying about talking to themselves. I know my wife is on a silent rampage when she's online and I can see her facial expressions, jaw and lips moving because she's screaming inside while she's typing. Scary, but generally scarier for the receiver.

I know one thing stuckgirl if I were in your position I would have to bring the behaviour to an end in some way, hopefully non-invasively and without any more hurt toward him or embarassment that need be. I don't even know where to begin except for pure honesty talking to him about it and how you find it unmasculine and unbecoming of a person that is so masculine. It might be a little embarassing but the compliments and expectations of him living up to your 'wanted' masculinity might just compensate the necessity to bring it up.

I sure hope you find a way to solve that one, I can't imagine coping with it on a regular basis.

Best of luck and please let us know how it turned out. I really, really feel for you on this one. It must really be hard to cope with and maintain a respect.