Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 02:12:53 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Thank you for letting me vent on this Independence Day  (Read 405 times)
Samuel S.
Formerly Sensitive Man
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1153


« on: July 04, 2014, 11:06:35 PM »

My BPDw has learned to become so independent, that she has gone from saying at the beginning of our courtship and our marriage that she is THE best wife I could possibly ever have to now being so independent that she can only afford maybe a walk around the lake if we are lucky 2 or 3 times a month. Otherwise, she will work. She will study. She will be at school. She will prepare the meals around here, but she has admitted to me that this is the only way that she can express her love to me. In other words, she has gone from one extreme of saying how "magnificent" she is to being so independent, thus practically neglectful of our relationship in so many ways. Now, her D17 is doing the same thing with me, but even worse. Of course, she is a teen who just graduated from high school. BTW, I have only been loving and giving and loving throughout. Also, I am funding her D17's college education completely, taking care of the mortgage, taking care of the laundry, taking care of the shopping. Thank you for letting me vent on this Independence Day!
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Samuel S.
Formerly Sensitive Man
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1153


« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2014, 08:34:04 PM »

With my BPDw being so focused on herself and being so independent, I need to admit to you folks that I feel all alone here. Granted, I go out to teach, tutor, write books, some day trips, even a 2 day overnight trip in about a week, and movies; however, when it comes to returning back to our condo, I am alone. I initiate the conversation, unless she wants something from me, or she says the meal is on the table. She will also talk at me at great length, if she is really upset about something which was last night. I sat, listened, and validated when she would stop for a minute, but that's it. Her D17 is acting like her mother. The only satisfaction I have which is only temporary and bad is that I eat the wrong things when I am out and about. Thus, I have gained some 10 to 15 pounds, although I work out 4 o 5 times a week. So, thank you again for letting me vent! At least, you and I can relate to one another when there is no true trust or true bonding with our BPD SOs!
Logged
KBNML

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 15


« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2014, 11:41:22 PM »

It sinks to in your spot.

Being the third wheel is a hard place to be, more so when it is at your home. The place all of us here would like to be less stressful and more peaceful.

I was there at the begin of the year. I had my D3 d1.5 at least at my house. It feels for me worse in that position then having her moved out, that is where we are now. The part that got me was I knew she want to reconnect but i could not find the right door to open her back up. So the quiet was a reminder of not being successful and the pressure of the tension was hard to sit through. Sounds like you are doing the right things with the tools. Feeling alone in a house of three is painful. I know for me walking in the door to no stop in the action and being treated as I was invisible was when it hurt the most. I think that is why I lost the weight not having this 30 sec reminder each day. I miss them a lot but the quiet now is peaceful, sad, and hopeful. Don't have any advice other then your not alone here.

Keep taking care of yourself and try to see if there is a way to fill the emptiness without eat. I love to do the same thing. she moved out and I lost 10 lbs.


Logged
sunshine40

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married 22 years
Posts: 36



« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2014, 08:05:59 AM »

Might I offer a different perspective.

At the beginning of your courtship/marriage, why did she say she was THE best wife you could ever have?

Was it because she gave up herself to be an attentive wife and mother and nothing else?

So now she is older and not changing diapers and teaching toddlers and has gone back to school/work?

I don't think that has anything to do with BPD.

However, I understand the loneliness you feel, when she talks at you about her stuff, but does not seem willing to listen to your stuff. It's like a one sided relationship.

But now you are being awesome. It may feel lonely at times, but I bet your wife could not have gone back to school/work without your help and support. School at some point will end and she will have more time to share with you. You will get through this. She was unselfish and gave up herself to be THE best wife and mother and now it is her turn, and time for you to be THE best husband and father.

You'll get through this.
Logged
Samuel S.
Formerly Sensitive Man
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1153


« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2014, 06:21:43 PM »

Sunshine40, here are some things I would like to clarify.

First of all, my BPDw said she was the best wife I could ever have by degrading my first wife whom she never met. She came to this conclusion due to one of my daughters who is rather obstinate; yet, my other daughter is quite like me.

Indeed, she was an attentive wife, mother, and pharmacist, but she was also extremely jealous, thereby degrading my first wife and my daughters. She said that even her own D was better than my two daughters combined. Not so!

I have no problem with her going back to school, because this is something that she wants to do in order to change professions. But now that the first year is over and it is the summer time, she is not taking it easy. She continues to study on her days off in her room.

She is getting "therapy" from a "medium-counselor" who has the same issues as my BPDw.

Also, some history for your consideration. Everything I am going to relate to you, she has not once apologized for:

1. After degrading my first family and then my friends, she began to degrade me for not living up to her expectations. Example: she would degrade me for not exercising enough and not sweating like she does. BTW, our metabolisms are different. BTW, not once has she seen me exercise.

2. She said that during our intimate relations, that she felt like my daughter. BTW, I am not going to be intimate with someone who obviously has father issues. It was her way to definitely stop our most intimate of times.

3. I was rearended while she was at work. She then told me that I was at fault, because I was having a negative attitude. I am always in a good mood and a positive attitude. The people I have worked for and work for now, my other relatives, and my friends all know that I am a positive, sincere, loving guy. I am not bragging. I love and respect people. I also believe that where there is life, there is hope. BTW, both insurance companies found the other driver at fault.

4. I was hospitalized. She came into the room there to say that I shouldn't be there, that it was going to cost us a lot of money. BTW, with my 3 insurance policies, it didn't cost me a single dime. She only asked me once how I was feeling. Otherwise, it was her "poor me" story and no concern about me at all. That was so bad, that I cried, a nurse referred me to a counselor who said that my BPDw was totally out of line.

5. She degrades me for not making enough money. Yes, I am retired and have a retirement income. I teach part-time and have written and published books. BTW, she told me beforehand that I deserved to retire and that any money I would earn additionally is fine. HUH?

6. Now that she has found her joy in college again, she very rarely will even ask if I want to walk around the neighborhood. If I offer to her that we do something together when she is in a good mood and not working, she says that she doesn't have enough time for herself.

Yes, Sunshine40, I always have always encouraged her, helped her, supported her, listened to her, and validated her.

As for the time when she finishes her school which is 3 years more for a total of 4, I can assure you that she will find something else to keep herself busy and away from me. BTW, she has done that before without any personal regard to our relationship with no compromise whatsoever. When I have mentioned that she has gone from one extreme to another, she agrees.

Yes, she was unselfish with an ulterior motive way back when, just like so many other BPDs. They are so very nice and so very loving at first, but only to change.

Indeed, she is the best mother, but most certainly has been very verbally abusive and now regrettably neglectful for our relationship to blossom.

As for me, I have always been the best husband and father. Thank you for recognizing I am doing my best, but no matter what, this is definitely erased by the fact that she has turned out to be the way she is, the person whom I would have never married if these signs were apparent then. I guess we can all say that.

As for getting through this, maybe and maybe not. All I know is that while my professional life and while my friends and other relatives are amazing, my BPDw is quite the opposite.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!