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Author Topic: two steps forward and 1 step back  (Read 437 times)
formflier
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« on: July 05, 2014, 01:17:43 PM »



MC went well.

She fessed up to not handling some past situations well and said that based on things she has learned about her personality (I'm assuming from her individual work) and my personality that she understands that what she did was wrong.  Basically putting me in double binds... .(no win situations).

It would appear that DSS will be pulling out soon and there will be no external restrictions on the family living arrangements.

We talked about continuing individual work and bringing some kids back into the mix with family T.  (They have been on sidelines until mom and dad get some traction on things).

There was general agreement that we are working towards getting me back in the house.  She seemed relieved that I said I wanted to take it slow and focus on baby steps (going on dates, small trips and such) before moving back in.  I also suggested that we follow the lead of our Ts MC and family... .as to when they thought we would be ready for next steps.

The one step back was a trip that was discussed for this weekend.  In my view we had it planned carefully.  She would be away with some kids for a day.  (Being able to make plans and have them come true is one of my HUGE issues... .she is more of a free wheeler).  To me it looks like she has changed plans.  Took more kids than expected and stayed longer.

We have a MC next week.  I plan on letting it rest until then. 

She still seems a bit unclear about why her moving a bunch of money is upsetting to me... but she acknowledges that she did it... .and did it out of fear.  Also acknowledges that it broke our agreement.

She is "fearful" of my plan (that we have all agreed to in MC) that she now has to deal with CPA and get taxes done and keep up with finances. 

My stance is... if you have it all... .I'm certainly not going to chase you around to account for it... .and deal with all the conflict that comes with that.  She has sort of backed herself in a corner where the only person she can yell at about money is her. 

In all honesty... .I'm ok with that... .even it if costs us some $$.  I also realize that is probably not a healthy long term option... .but it may be depending on how it goes with CPA.

My stance is to cautiously move forward.  I need to be careful to not compromise boundaries and values.  I don't think I will.  While I want her back... .I'm not trying to "win her back".  I will do healthy things... .she seems to be working in that direction as well... .if that means we end up back together... .great. 

Bottom line:  We continue on the uncharted waters of her being in individual T.  So far... .I like the changes I see. 

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2014, 01:33:41 PM »

 

uBPDw told me today that the family T guy that has been working with she and I individually... .is interested in meeting with us together.

We are going to try and get that set up sometime this week.

I'm very interested in seeing what he has to say to us both... .not really "anxious" at this point... .but I think we are coming up to another turning point.

Fingers crossed as we continue breaking old unhealthy patterns of the past.
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« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2014, 01:42:33 PM »

Once again, kudos to you for working in such a disciplined and compassionate way with all the new information you've been acquiring.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

You are probably as prepared as it is possible to be should things get "diagnostic" and then contentious in the joint session. So good luck this week.
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2014, 02:41:58 PM »

Once again, kudos to you for working in such a disciplined and compassionate way with all the new information you've been acquiring.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

You are probably as prepared as it is possible to be should things get "diagnostic" and then contentious in the joint session. So good luck this week.

Thanks.  My gut says that he might be "easing her into" some realizations or something like that. 

She has said some things about learning about her personality... .and mine... .and how those fit together.

So... I'm hopeful... .but at same time I know this will not be a straight line ride to the "good times".

Personally... .I've been doing thinking and I don't want to go back to the way it was.  I know that it was incredibly unhealthy for both of us... .and our kids.

Regardless of what labels get thrown around... .conclusions or assignments of "fault". 

My wife hasn't expressed it in the same way... .but when I have said things in MC about wanting a healthy r/s... .she now seems accepting of that idea.

This board has certainly given me perspective... .it's given me hope... .and some valuable tools.

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ziniztar
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« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2014, 03:48:47 PM »

Hey formflier... I see we opened up a similar thread. Happy to read about your progress 
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2014, 03:54:50 PM »

Hey formflier... I see we opened up a similar thread. Happy to read about your progress 

Me too!  Thanks for the hug!

I'm trying to stay "cool" between now and late Wed. afternoon... .which is when we have joint meeting with the family T.

I'm torn about what I "hope" I hear. 

I guess I'm less interested in the actual diagnosis... .and more interested in the treatment plan now that he has a bunch of evaluations.

I've been waiting a long time for this... .very hopeful this is good turning point
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« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2014, 01:58:35 AM »

I think you are on the right track... .keep your focus on behavior as much as possible. The diagnosis doesn't change much.

I'm glad to hear about some progress for you and your wife. Wishing you the best tomorrow.
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formflier
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« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2014, 08:48:07 PM »

I think you are on the right track... .keep your focus on behavior as much as possible. The diagnosis doesn't change much.

I'm glad to hear about some progress for you and your wife. Wishing you the best tomorrow.

Once again... .Grey Kitty right on the mark!

The joint session was mainly about a plan for finances. 

I don't give a rip... .money is not that valuable to me.

It is really stressing out uBPDw. 

Family T (which has been doing individual with both of us) basically said we have to function together to make joint decisions.  Promises were made to do that.  We are getting together for a finance talk tomorrow night. 

There was a little delving into the past that was unproductive (on both sides... mine an hers).  He stressed that the past was a pathway to divorce... .we will never solve that.

He seems confident that each of us is making progress in our individual treatments and stressed to focus on future and do thing differently. 

Healthy families make joint finance decisions.

So... I'm putting together a written plan tonight to that I will present tomorrow night.  She will have a plan as well.  From there we will work towards compromise.

So... tonight I work on the plan.

My next big checkpoint is my next individual therapy in about a week.

Still working through some pretty heavy emotions from this joint session.  On one hand... .I really wanted a "ahh haaa" moment... .where everything was revealed and I was right.  I kinda knew that wouldn't happen... .and it didn't. 

Again... focusing more on future behaviors that are different.

That moment of "everything being revealed and figured out" may come in future... .or it may not.  I obviously need to work on accepting that.



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« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2014, 10:27:55 PM »

Again... focusing more on future behaviors that are different.

That moment of "everything being revealed and figured out" may come in future... .or it may not.  I obviously need to work on accepting that.

My wife did acknowledge that she did a bunch of hurtful things to me... .but not until well after she was changing her behavior for the better. She also has recovered more from BPD than most here have.

Here is a thought to help your acceptance:

Focus on what behavioral changes your wife would make for you to feel safe moving back in. Especially what the minimum level of such changes is. Perhaps start with an ideal of how you want to live, then work down to the minimum levels that seem safe.

I think your semi-therapeutic separation is helping... .but keeping it shorter is better for lots of reasons, like setting precedent for parenting, and also for being more able to protect your kids from your wife.

Focusing on what you and she need to do for that to end seems productive to me.
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formflier
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« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2014, 10:42:42 PM »

Focusing on what you and she need to do for that to end seems productive to me.

I think I will try to have a list for my individual time next week... .will also probably post it here for comment. 

I want to make sure that I have correct perspective on what I want/need.

While things haven't gone as I planned or hoped... .there is undeniable progress.  Some patterns have been broken... .I'm scared of testing others... but at some point I will need to.

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« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2014, 11:26:09 PM »

formflier,

I was wondering if your family therapist is acting as a guide to "therapeutic separation timetable" or "family reunification plan" . . . or if he has not undertaken that particular role.

I guess my question is, are you solely responsible for deciding when and under what conditions and understandings you move back into the family residence?
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formflier
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« Reply #11 on: July 09, 2014, 11:34:04 PM »

formflier,

I was wondering if your family therapist is acting as a guide to "therapeutic separation timetable" or "family reunification plan" . . . or if he has not undertaken that particular role.

I guess my question is, are you solely responsible for deciding when and under what conditions and understandings you move back into the family residence?

Reunification is being discussed.  DSS should be discharged soon (with no action taken... recommend continue counseling) and then it will be up to us to sort this out with our T help.

Friday night all the kids will be together with mom and they are supposed to have a family discussion about their feelings about me coming back.

Everyone is saying that is what we are working towards but we are also avoiding setting a hard date.  It's more like what is the next step in this process.  In this case the next step is a family meeting.  That was suggested by family T today... .and agreed to.

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GaGrl
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« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2014, 06:04:56 AM »

You might want to consider a financial advisor update (if you have one) or obtaining the services of one for a flat rate financial review. That way, you have an objective third party.
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« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2014, 08:37:35 AM »

Great job you and the family are doing, formflier. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

If I were you, I would absolutely complete the picture by following Gagrl's advice to consult a financial advisor.
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formflier
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« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2014, 04:39:48 PM »

You might want to consider a financial advisor update (if you have one) or obtaining the services of one for a flat rate financial review. That way, you have an objective third party.

We have a CPA that has been doing our taxes for a long time.  Wife has discussed this with him

Right now (at my urging)... .I think we are at a compromise where my wife will take the lead in doing the taxes with the CPA.  Gathering all the documents and all that. 

There is a lot of fear on her part that is leading to her desire to control things.  I honestly think it is because she didn't have visibility on some transactions because I handled with CPA.  Then... .as trust deteriorated... .and fear/paranoia increased... .accusations started flying.

She realizes that the financial thing will be a pain in the rear... .but she seems determined to do it.  I will act more as an advisor... .discussion partner.  But... lets say we discuss and decide to make a financial transaction for one of our properties.  Once we agree/compromise... .she will be the one to actually write the check.

There are a few places we may need legal advice.  I will give her list of questions, she will call, then discuss answers with me.  In some cases we may call together.

So... .not exactly the way I "want" it... .but I'm entirely satisfied with this compromise.

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« Reply #15 on: July 10, 2014, 05:11:32 PM »

OK, I confess I am really happy that you guys are struggling with this issue now rather than later.

Any chance your wife is the healthier of the two spouses when it comes to financial concerns?  Smiling (click to insert in post) I refer you to:

I don't give a rip... .money is not that valuable to me.

(For some reason, most of the poor financial planners I know are attorneys, so I always worry that certain types of personalities don't like to look this particular issue in the eye.)
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GaGrl
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« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2014, 06:29:43 PM »

I advised a financial planner because a good one will take your entire life plan into consideration when recommending investments, budgeting, protection, retirement, etc. A good financial planner in NOT a CPA nor an attorney, but will work with them on tax planning or trusts, estate planning and such.

I get the sense that finances are a major source of conflict in your relationship.
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formflier
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« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2014, 10:36:19 PM »

OK, I confess I am really happy that you guys are struggling with this issue now rather than later.

Any chance your wife is the healthier of the two spouses when it comes to financial concerns?  Smiling (click to insert in post) I refer you to:

I don't give a rip... .money is not that valuable to me.

(For some reason, most of the poor financial planners I know are attorneys, so I always worry that certain types of personalities don't like to look this particular issue in the eye.)

There is a good chance you are right.

I would argue that I place relationships far above money.  In other words, I would rather die penniless but with lots of family/friends that love me... .rather than a pile of money to be distributed to my heirs... .especially if those heirs saw me as remote or too busy for them.

I've made a lot of $$ in my life... .lost some as well. 

I think the big thing that my T has helped me see is that it's fine for me to not care about money... .that's my choice.  It's fine for my wife to care more than I do about fixing money problems.  But for me to try to argue my wife to my position... .bad.  For me to ignore my wife's feelings, to not help her... .was bad for the r/s. 

She has taken steps that I have asked her to take and some probably don't make sense to her... .but she took them because I asked and I cared.  I'm trying to honor what she cares about.


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formflier
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« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2014, 10:37:55 PM »

I advised a financial planner because a good one will take your entire life plan into consideration when recommending investments, budgeting, protection, retirement, etc. A good financial planner in NOT a CPA nor an attorney, but will work with them on tax planning or trusts, estate planning and such.

I get the sense that finances are a major source of conflict in your relationship.

Yes... .you are correct.  Finances are more of a logical thing to me... .more emotional or "security" to my wife.

That is a recipe for conflict anytime. 
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