please help,a little urgently please

[stuckgirl]

my uBPD fiance and i were texting and he was asking about my private past life,he said i seem like a stranger to him and he wants to know things about my past.

he has told me almost everything about his past (without my asking) but i needed a very important favor from him.he said im never honest and i said fine ask.

he was asking questions about a guy who was interested in me and pursued me for a while ,i was telling him very patiently about him,

he asked me his full name,i didnt know that,and while i was writing another text telling him why i didnt know his last name,he texted me and said that did he persue you online or what,tell me the truth and stop acting like a b___! he has never said that to me,he never has,in the place where i live its considered a very very big insult.i said what did you call me,he said oh it was autocorrect,i knew he wasnt using a smartphone,i said that,he said that no,im using one today,i said that exactly were you going to write in place of this sick word that the phone corrected,he ignored this question and said what was his full name and how much did you love him. 

i hated him at that moment

i told him youre not online on watsapp if you'd been using a smartphone you would have been,to which he replied,stupid if you dont want to reply then fine but do these cheap stunts in front of someone else.

after this he wrote a long msg about me lying to him a few months ago about this guy and now lying again! that bastar* ,the next msg he wrote took me off my guard,saying 'are you upset about what im saying?'

my god that ass.

im so angry i know im rambling

people is there any chance he wrote a 'b___' by mistake or am i being thick?

what should my response be? im not replying to him.

what should my behaviour be in reaction to this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Karmachameleon]

It seems as though you already know the answer.  I'm sorry to say that.  I know it hurts.  It has been my experience that the name calling and accusations and insecurity will only get worse.

[SybilVane]

Hello again,

Mine did this kind of with me A LOT. Lately he was jealous of some friends who use to like my pictures on facebook, for instance. He was stalking these guys also... .saying things like 'why he is posting so many songs pf bands you like? He wants your attention!"... .even if I don't 'liked' the songs... .How many screenshots of FB chats he obliged me to give him only to prove I wasnt in contact with these guys... .

Does not matter the case, everytime he thinks I am lying, he offends me like 'fuc*** liar b___'   'you're a ___**ing actress!"  I hear A LOT of insults, I never reply them, and so he insults me more and more, because my calmness irritates him more.

I've learned something: when he distrusts me, does not matter what I say or do. It's always a game like 'odd I win, even you lose'... .

I always tried to don't take the insults personally, but they hurt, they hurt a lot and make me ask myself how can I love someone who is sometimes so so engaged in hurting me, even if he says everytime he starts to insult me, it hurts more himself than me... .

Now he is giving me the silent treatment, 13 days... .and I think he's gone.

I am so sad for you, I know exactly the feeling of impotence. No matters what you say, he did already put some idea in mind, theres nothing you can do to change this.

How long time you and hom have been together?

[KateCat]

stuckgirl,

I've only read about half of your posts (and pretty quickly at that), but I feel that it is not helpful for you to be angry with him. Instead, it might be much more prudent to be a little bit scared of him. He sounds quite genuinely mentally ill, and he is not really hiding it from you.

Please protect any other people who have crossed your path in whatever way by not providing him with their names.

[wishfulthinking]

My BPD/NPDh is constantly accusing me of cheating or of having all of these suitors around me that just want me do badly all the time. If I pull away because if his abusive behavior, it couldn't possibly be because I'm human and can't take much more from his own actions, it must be because I'm f&&/;ing someone else- his term, not mine. Autocorrect tends to replace the bad word with a nicer word, such as f@ck to duck. Or sh!t to shut. Not the opposite. Your fiancé is already lying, possessive, jealous, angry, abusive in text at least, gaslighting you. You think it'll get better after marriage? Think again. I wish mine has shown signs of his BPD before marriage, but mine waited till 2 weeks after and let it rip. I'd have never married mine had I known. Don't get into that trap. If you stay with yours don't make it legal, keep that easier way out available because divorce is proving both difficult and dangerous with mine. Good luck and do what makes you happy and healthy. You can't fix him.

[stuckgirl]

stuckgirl,

I've only read about half of your posts (and pretty quickly at that), but I feel that it is not helpful for you to be angry with him. Instead, it might be much more prudent to be a little bit scared of him. He sounds quite genuinely mentally ill, and he is not really hiding it from you

Please protect any other people who have crossed your path in whatever way by not providing him with their names.

what makes you think from reading my posts that he's 'that way' mentally ill and i should protect myself and be scared? do tell me.

It seems as though you already know the answer. 

nope karmachameleon,i dont,thats why im typing about like nuts looking for an answer that can make the slightest change if it can.

guys just right after uBPD fiance said to stop acting like a b___,he said autocorrect did it,to which i was almost in a daze and replied with a single no.

he said i take it back,after that he made foolish excuses,

i cant believe he has the nerve to lie to my face.

in his next message he referred to how he hates hypocrites and cheats ( referring to when 'i cheated and lied 5 months ago according to him... )

i would love to send him a picture of autocorrect correcting b___ to birch,tell him he's a loser,liar,pathetic,jealous ass and he can stuff his stupid morals and foul language up his ***!

but i cant do that because i am trying to make it work,for now,i am trying to stay,to support his horrible illness.

after sending these messages he has probably made himself comfortably believe that i bought them,or if i caught them,then its okay because i made him lie anyway,because i provoked him to call me a b___... i dont know what the crap is going on in his crazy brain but he's sent two messages since then,one asking where i was,the other saying 'now what happened 'with an exasperated emoticon' what kind of a monster is he to think like this! that bastar* the thing is,if i do call him a basta'd,he'd flip,have an insecurity attack and go nuts,and i would really be lying right now if i said im not tempted to push this button.

but i feel so insulted im not replying,although i have no idea what that would gain.

thats why guys,any idea how to proceed in this situation?

thanks for letting me vent atleast.

what can i do... .?

[stuckgirl]

My BPD/NPDh is constantly accusing me of cheating or of having all of these suitors around me that just want me do badly all the time. If I pull away because if his abusive behavior, it couldn't possibly be because I'm human and can't take much more from his own actions, it must be because I'm f&&/;ing someone else- his term, not mine. Autocorrect tends to replace the bad word with a nicer word, such as f@ck to duck. Or sh!t to shut. Not the opposite. Your fiancé is already lying, possessive, jealous, angry, abusive in text at least, gaslighting you. You think it'll get better after marriage? Think again. I wish mine has shown signs of his BPD before marriage, but mine waited till 2 weeks after and let it rip. I'd have never married mine had I known. Don't get into that trap. If you stay with yours don't make it legal, keep that easier way out available because divorce is proving both difficult and dangerous with mine. Good luck and do what makes you happy and healthy. You can't fix him.

i know it will get worse after marriage,but im trying to stick,the guilt,the love,pain is still a little bit with me... .

im glad you were at a place where you could just let him go,it must have been awfully hard for you to realize the man you loved was crazy,right after getting married,like lying in the sun and having cold water thrown on your face,atleast thats how i felt when he first started verbally abusing me,i do hope you got through it fine and are better now

Hello again,

Mine did this kind of with me A LOT. Lately he was jealous of some friends who use to like my pictures on facebook, for instance. He was stalking these guys also... .saying things like 'why he is posting so many songs pf bands you like? He wants your attention!"... .even if I don't 'liked' the songs... .How many screenshots of FB chats he obliged me to give him only to prove I wasnt in contact with these guys... .

Does not matter the case, everytime he thinks I am lying, he offends me like 'fuc*** liar b___'   'you're a **ing actress!"  I hear A LOT of insults, I never reply them, and so he insults me more and more, because my calmness irritates him more.

I've learned something: when he distrusts me, does not matter what I say or do. It's always a game like 'odd I win, even you lose'... .

I always tried to don't take the insults personally, but they hurt, they hurt a lot and make me ask myself how can I love someone who is sometimes so so engaged in hurting me, even if he says everytime he starts to insult me, it hurts more himself than me... .

Now he is giving me the silent treatment, 13 days... .and I think he's gone.

I am so sad for you, I know exactly the feeling of impotence. No matters what you say, he did already put some idea in mind, theres nothing you can do to change this.

How long time you and hom have been together?

im sorry your boyfriend hurt you this badly,my fiance and ive been together for almost ten months,six of them miserable

kash how did you hold out so long if he was going off like this,every day?hats off to you for standing by him.

no matter how much we say we hate them here or to friends/family,at the end of the day we love out SOs and none of us forgets that they're humans before they're humans with borderline personality disorder,they have a sickness,its not their fault.nevetheless,there's only so much a person can take.

are you sure he's gone? are you saying this because 4th of july has come and gone?im so sorry about it... .

how are you coping?

how are you feeling?

hugs.

[Stalwart]

Being angry with him won't help at all sweetheart. I'm sorry that the words he used offended you so badly. I can understand to some degree this is a cultural difference in tolerances of some words used. Here in North America there are a couple of words that woman can't tolerate but some could get over the 'b___' statement.

I doubt very much he was using it in the context that you felt offended by. There is no excuse for name-calling and I'm not trying to say there is.

Fear of other relationships is so desperate for a BPD and if they become suspicious, especially with a basis for that they really get scared and need the truth. Holding back the truth in situations will really worsen a relationship because they will NEVER forget the suspicion unless they can fully understand, trust and put it away. From what you said he's been extremely honest with you about the past, that should go both ways if he has concerns.

As far as the name calling goes I'd set some quick and definate boundaries of respect with regard to that by telling how much him saying that hurt and offended you and that it's not acceptable and in return you would not even ever consider calling him a name that hurt him.

"That isn't what love or a relationship is about, it's about respecting eachother and name-calling just isn't acceptable." Back in the worse days I called a lot of names and for someone who's spent his life in relationships being respected by his spouses that was extremely hard to accept. It isn't acceptable.

I hope the issue doesn't get worse for you and that you have the courage and strength to go forward and set those boundaries and that he can fully understand why.

But for the honesty issue and his suspicions, he needs clarity and was willing to give that to you. Holding back or saying "Ask me what you want to know" about a lifetime he doesn't know isn't the approach. Try being open. You know what he's looking for. He wants to know about your past relationships and how they have played out in your life up until now. Anyone would be curious and want to know those things about someone they were considering being serious with. I only wish for my part I'd dug deeper and looked harder into my wife's past so I would have better understood what I was getting myself into but in many cases the nature of BPD lends to people hiding their pasts and even their families hide a person's past in the hope that you'll stay with them, knowing if he you knew the entire truth about the extremeity of her past you might just walk the other way. None of it's right but all of it's a reality in the life of a BPD trying to enter into another relationship when they've failed at all their past ones and predict this one will fail somewhere along the line as well.

Try not to be too offended. time will tell if he's abusive in this way or it was just a slip.  I am positive he did not mean that word in the context you feel it and if he knew just how you really felt about the use of that word he wouldn't do it again. If you're honest and set the boundaries and he can't respect them or uses that with his new found knowledge of your distaste of it that's a whole new story to look at.

Best of luck with it and I hope it turns out well for you.

[formflier]

my uBPD fiance and i were texting and he was asking about my private past life,he said i seem like a stranger to 

what should my behaviour be in reaction to this?

Stuck,

I would suggest this is a place for boundaries.  And I think this highlights why texting about r/s issues with a pwBPD is not wise.

I have gone from texting about anything... .to only discussing lists and simple questions.  The text bombs have gone way down... .and my life is better.

So... maybe the boundary is that if he is texting nice... .you text back... .but you don't answer detailed questions... .or you don't "go negative" on text.

Who knows. 

I think that at the point in time where he said he knew you were lying... .there should be a boundary enforcement. 

That might look like "I'm sorry you feel that way... .I'll check in with you in a couple hours."... and end it...

No JADE... .just end it.

Thoughts? 

What you don't want to do is be inconsistent.  So if you are going to start doing this with text... .you need to stick with it.

[stuckgirl]

my uBPD fiance and i were texting and he was asking about my private past life,he said i seem like a stranger to 

what should my behaviour be in reaction to this?

Stuck,

I would suggest this is a place for boundaries.  And I think this highlights why texting about r/s issues with a pwBPD is not wise.

I have gone from texting about anything... .to only discussing lists and simple questions.  The text bombs have gone way down... .and my life is better.

So... maybe the boundary is that if he is texting nice... .you text back... .but you don't answer detailed questions... .or you don't "go negative" on text.

Who knows. 

I think that at the point in time where he said he knew you were lying... .there should be a boundary enforcement. 

That might look like "I'm sorry you feel that way... .I'll check in with you in a couple hours."... and end it...

No JADE... .just end it.

Thoughts? 

What you don't want to do is be inconsistent.  So if you are going to start doing this with text... .you need to stick with it.

Thats an excellent suggestion,im sure that would have been a better way to handle it,its just that im just a little tired right right now,had a phone call with him some moments ago,looks like im having more trouble than anyone :-) a fight everyday it was kind of you to offer such advice,i wish he wouldnt call me an actress or etc... .the things he says hurt a lot ,two days ago he was sure he loved me, i told him today that i didnt really want to break up and he wasnt under strain,he said im not sure.

Im sad for me, trying to figure out why im sad,perhaps because i really did love him and it seems another person entered our relationship and ruined it.i was talking to my brother while i was on the phone with him,he said youre so nice to others,you arent like that with me,and i just felt like crying over a burnt out ability to be friendly with him,im sad for him,he needs affection too.

Thank you for your reply

can you just tell me what JADE means?ive been rambling incoherently

Being angry with him won't help at all sweetheart. I'm sorry that the words he used offended you so badly. I can understand to some degree this is a cultural difference in tolerances of some words used. Here in North America there are a couple of words that woman can't tolerate but some could get over the 'b___' statement.

I doubt very much he was using it in the context that you felt offended by. There is no excuse for name-calling and I'm not trying to say there is.

Fear of other relationships is so desperate for a BPD and if they become suspicious, especially with a basis for that they really get scared and need the truth. Holding back the truth in situations will really worsen a relationship because they will NEVER forget the suspicion unless they can fully understand, trust and put it away. From what you said he's been extremely honest with you about the past, that should go both ways if he has concerns.

As far as the name calling goes I'd set some quick and definate boundaries of respect with regard to that by telling how much him saying that hurt and offended you and that it's not acceptable and in return you would not even ever consider calling him a name that hurt him.

"That isn't what love or a relationship is about, it's about respecting eachother and name-calling just isn't acceptable." Back in the worse days I called a lot of names and for someone who's spent his life in relationships being respected by his spouses that was extremely hard to accept. It isn't acceptable.

I hope the issue doesn't get worse for you and that you have the courage and strength to go forward and set those boundaries and that he can fully understand why.

But for the honesty issue and his suspicions, he needs clarity and was willing to give that to you. Holding back or saying "Ask me what you want to know" about a lifetime he doesn't know isn't the approach. Try being open. You know what he's looking for. He wants to know about your past relationships and how they have played out in your life up until now. Anyone would be curious and want to know those things about someone they were considering being serious with. I only wish for my part I'd dug deeper and looked harder into my wife's past so I would have better understood what I was getting myself into but in many cases the nature of BPD lends to people hiding their pasts and even their families hide a person's past in the hope that you'll stay with them, knowing if he you knew the entire truth about the extremeity of her past you might just walk the other way. None of it's right but all of it's a reality in the life of a BPD trying to enter into another relationship when they've failed at all their past ones and predict this one will fail somewhere along the line as well.

Try not to be too offended. time will tell if he's abusive in this way or it was just a slip.  I am positive he did not mean that word in the context you feel it and if he knew just how you really felt about the use of that word he wouldn't do it again. If you're honest and set the boundaries and he can't respect them or uses that with his new found knowledge of your distaste of it that's a whole new story to look at.

Best of luck with it and I hope it turns out well for you.

Thank you for replying,youre right 'b___' has no tolerance here.he doesnt usually call names,i guess i'll have to find out and use boundaries,thank you for taking the time to reply with such helpful support,thank you

[formflier]

can you just tell me what JADE means?ive been rambling incoherently

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain


Now... you will find some that say never to do this.  I find that can lead to silent treatment from you to pwBPD.  I am a bit more of a fan of explaining something once... .and then never speak of it again.

For instance...

Why did you xyz last night.

You could say... well after I was called a b@tch I went to another room to deal with my emotions, I don't continue a conversation with people that call me names.

The key is to only say it once.  Make sure that you say it very evenly... .DO NOT ACCUSE... .note I didn't say when YOU called me a "b@tch"... .the key is to get the point across once without turning up the temperature.

Most likely they will try to bait you and get you to keep going.  Do not take the bait.

Now... if there is a proper response... .such as an apology... .by all means continue the conversation until it becomes unproductive or abusive again.

The say it once advice only applies if they are or may be antagonistic.

Note... there is some advice on these boards to NEVER JADE.  Hopefully some others can share that point of view.  But I think lots of things need to be said very clearly ONCE. 

[formflier]

n anyone :-) a fight everyday it was kind of you to offer such advice,i wish he wouldnt call me an actress or etc... .the things he says hurt a lot ,two days ago he was sure he loved me, i told him today that i didnt really want to break up and he wasnt under strain,he said im not sure.

Hey... .I think there is an important point for you to think about. 

Wishing he wouldn't do things puts the power in his hands.  He has the power to fulfill your wishes.

That is a bad place for you to be with a person with BPD.

You can control if he does that or not.  It's a bit of a process and won't work the first few times.  But if every time he does that... .and if you enforce a boundary... .such as walking away.  The message will get across and most likely the behavior will change.

Please note... .before trying to use a boundary for something like this.  Think it through for a while.  Read lessons on boundaries.

You don't want to set a boundary and then cave in... that is worse than doing nothing.