Silent treatment - I can't deal with this anymore

[SybilVane]

13 days of silent treatment.

I am going mad. I have nightmares. I almost can't sleep. The only thing I keep is the work. I don't have energy to take care about myself. Everyday, when I awake, I think 'one more day, I don't want to live this day'.

I can't eat, I have to force even to eat a yogurt.

I check my email a thousand times per day.

I can't deal with this anymore.

I have no motivation to go out. I only go out to by cigarettes, and I've been smoking 2 packages per day.

I can't even talk to my friends normally... .

I feel as I was dying inside.

I always had a good self steem, I always had been proud, I always had been strong, I always could overcome problems with relationships easily.

Why it's different now? I feel my soul raped, my mind monopolized, my body giving up of living.

I feel ridiculous, I have a master degree in psychology, I should know what to do... .but I'm paralized... .

Please, I need help to accept that this is the end... .I know he's gone and will not help me to close this in my mind... .he made me a co-dependent... .I dont have any force inside me anymore... .Nothing comforts me... .my logical side simply does not work... .I can't convince myself its better to let him go... .I just want to fix everything... .

I feel like s*it, I feel as I was nothing, I want to disappear... .

I havent energy even to go to a psychiatrist, or psychologist... .

I'm defeated... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Veronykah]

I have been there, many, many times. I started marking it all down on a calendar last year when mine was doing it to me, I think it ended up being 33 days out of 75 that he ignored me.

It's the worst emotional abuse, I too am a strong person but the complete radio silence. The ignoring of voicemails, texts anything, the cold, coldness of that is torture. Simple torture.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... .is he really gone? Or gone for now?

Try to see a therapist, it really helps to have a physical person there to talk to. I know for me it never felt good but eventually he did it enough that I would gather his things from my apt and give them to him, knowing he was "breaking up with me" and would come crawling back with "I miss you" or whatever.

If yours doesn't, I know it sounds empty and hollow, but count your blessings. You can start healing. What he is doing is ABUSE.

You can come back and you are still strong.

[enlighten me]

If you really want them to get in touch with you ignore them.

Don't message them or do anything. Theres nothing sadder than someone being needy and that's how your ex will view you if you bombard them with messages.

Its like a group of girls in a club. If you walk up to them the hot one thinks "here we go again some jerk trying to hit on me" When you talk to her friend instead it changes to. "Whats wrong with me? Why didn't he talk to me Im prettier. Im interested in him now"

The problem when dealing with BPD is they get inside your head and bury themselves deep in there. We feel a stronger bond due to them opening up early in the relationship and the fact that they mirror us and become in our mind our soul mate. The one weve always dreamed of.

Then the crushing blow is how after such strong emotions they can detach with apparent ease and just get on with things.

I have been reading up on how people with BPD actually feel and it seems they go through the same strife. The difference is theyre so adept at hiding their emotions that it appears that they are cold and heartless. The other problem is the push me pull me dance that they do. The closer you get the harder they push. When theyre hurting and wanting to get away before you hurt them anymore (in their opinion) and you come charging at them with all your emotions they end up running faster.

Like all my posts this is just my opinion.

[patientandclear]

Kash -- I think your predicament flows from the fact that you are engaged in a power struggle with someone with BPD.  You'll lose that.

He instructed you to buy tickets within two days or else.  You said I'm not responding to an ultimatum.  Fair enough.

But in fact you wanted to visit him, you just didn't want to be forced to buy the tickets when he said "jump."  Again, fair enough.  And now you want him to agree with your plan.  But do you see what's going on?

You want something that you think you need his agreement for; he is withholding that because decided to make a declaration of independence that he does not control you.  Very scary prospect for someone with BPD.

He understands that you want to see him and his non-response is almost surely meant to compel you to accept his terms ... .to apologize, to take back your declaration of independence.

You're kind of painted into a corner unless you re-frame this a bit.  You need a plan that does not need his assent and cooperation, because right now he is withholding that to teach you a lesson about not going along with what he wants.

I know it's expensive, but you could plan to go regardless of whether he has connected with you ahead of time.  Tell him "OK I'm coming, these are the dates I'm planning, I hope we'll be able to see each other, if you'd prefer other dates, let me know."

Or you could let this window pass, not travel, and await further communication from him, periodically pinging him in a friendly no-pressure way to indicate your light remains green.

OR you could decide that dynamics like this are not what you want and sort of resign from the whole situation.

The one thing that will keep you stuck is your current approach, where you are waiting for his participation and approval for your plans to go forward.  That gives him enormous leverage to withhold, punish, teach you a lesson. You need his cooperation to be irrelevant to your planning.

[StayOrLeave15]

Oh SybilVane I feel your pain.  It hurts me to read this because I have been there.  I agree that the silent treatment is more painful than the worst verbal abuse.  Because with verbal abuse at least you can have a discourse, albeit probably not a great one.  But the silent treatment says to you, "You don't matter.  I have the power.  I decide when we talk." 

I'm not sure how much pwBPD know the pain they are inflicting with the silent treatment.  I've told my uBPDgf how much it hurts me - don't know if this was good or if it just gave her more power. 

But I really know how it feels.  The constant checking of the phone.  No motivation.  No appetite.  I too am educated and successful and never knew one person could tear me down so badly. 

I understand you are feeling symptoms of depression.  I know the feeling of simply not wanting to do anything, hardly wanting to be alive, because I've been there.  But let me tell you something that might be hard to hear.  It isn't going to get better by just staying home and doing nothing. 

Start with small steps.  Take a walk.  It may feel you are carrying 1,000 pounds on your back, but just go take a walk for a few blocks. 

Then meet a friend.  You probably already know that conversations go in circles whether you're talking TO or ABOUT your pwBPD.  So maybe you ask your friend to keep the conversation elsewhere - not about your pwBPD.  A good friend will do this for you. 

Next try and do something active.  Even if it is just a 20 minute workout.  It will probably feel hard as hell.  But what harm can it do? 

These small steps turn into big ones.  You may still feel horrible. But again, what do you have to lose? I truly understand the pain you are going through because I have been there 100%.  If you've noticed, I haven't addressed what to do with your pwBPD.  There is a reason for that.  You need to take care of yourself! Do not let this person run or ruin your life, even if it feels like they can. 

Please take care of yourself because that is the most important thing.  A big hug for you and good luck.  Feel free to reach out for anything. 

[SybilVane]

I have been there, many, many times. I started marking it all down on a calendar last year when mine was doing it to me, I think it ended up being 33 days out of 75 that he ignored me.

It's the worst emotional abuse, I too am a strong person but the complete radio silence. The ignoring of voicemails, texts anything, the cold, coldness of that is torture. Simple torture.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... .is he really gone? Or gone for now?

Try to see a therapist, it really helps to have a physical person there to talk to. I know for me it never felt good but eventually he did it enough that I would gather his things from my apt and give them to him, knowing he was "breaking up with me" and would come crawling back with "I miss you" or whatever.

If yours doesn't, I know it sounds empty and hollow, but count your blessings. You can start healing. What he is doing is ABUSE.

You can come back and you are still strong.

Hello stayoreave15,

I can''t say if he's really really gone. My relationship has a peculiar detail: we live in different countries, we are apart by an entire ocean. The silent treatment began when he argued that I wasnt motivated to buy the tickets for August (my vacation) and I changed my mind regarding how long time I couls stay in this country (in the beggining it was supposed to be 3 months, then I decided only for one, because of all querrels and so). He gave me an ultimatum: I should buy the tickets in two days or forget. I refused the ultimatum, and then the silent treatment started. I sent emails and a video on Youtube explaining that the question was the ultimatum and I havent changed my mind. Nothing... .

I know there's a deadline, he knows I ony can go in August and I cant change the period of my vacation. So, or he will keep this torture probably until the end f the month, or he's really gone.

I have something in my mind which tells me he's gone... .

I am going to a psychiatrist today. I urgently need to sleep and eat well, and become functional again... .Maybe I'll start some therapy also, but by now, I need something faster as medicines, o I can't go on... .

[SybilVane]

Kash -- I think your predicament flows from the fact that you are engaged in a power struggle with someone with BPD.  You'll lose that.

He instructed you to buy tickets within two days or else.  You said I'm not responding to an ultimatum.  Fair enough.

But in fact you wanted to visit him, you just didn't want to be forced to buy the tickets when he said "jump."  Again, fair enough.  And now you want him to agree with your plan.  But do you see what's going on?

You want something that you think you need his agreement for; he is withholding that because decided to make a declaration of independence that he does not control you.  Very scary prospect for someone with BPD.

He understands that you want to see him and his non-response is almost surely meant to compel you to accept his terms ... .to apologize, to take back your declaration of independence.

You're kind of painted into a corner unless you re-frame this a bit.  You need a plan that does not need his assent and cooperation, because right now he is withholding that to teach you a lesson about not going along with what he wants.

I know it's expensive, but you could plan to go regardless of whether he has connected with you ahead of time.  Tell him "OK I'm coming, these are the dates I'm planning, I hope we'll be able to see each other, if you'd prefer other dates, let me know."

Or you could let this window pass, not travel, and await further communication from him, periodically pinging him in a friendly no-pressure way to indicate your light remains green.

OR you could decide that dynamics like this are not what you want and sort of resign from the whole situation.

The one thing that will keep you stuck is your current approach, where you are waiting for his participation and approval for your plans to go forward.  That gives him enormous leverage to withhold, punish, teach you a lesson. You need his cooperation to be irrelevant to your planning.

Hello, patientandclear... .

You already know my history )

The fact is that he knows there is a deadline, he knows my vacation is scheduled for August and I cant change this. I sincerally don't know if he is punishing me, or dissociating, or something else. But I know this 'silent treatment' has to end until the end of July (WOW) or we'll never see each other again... .

I can't simply buy the tickets without a response from him. It could be very painful if I do this, arrive in Europe, and he close the door. I cant take 15 hours by plane to risk this, stay a lot of money in hotels, without a friend or company... .

And he knows I still available, he knows I only need his response.

[SybilVane]

If you really want them to get in touch with you ignore them.

Don't message them or do anything. Theres nothing sadder than someone being needy and that's how your ex will view you if you bombard them with messages.

Its like a group of girls in a club. If you walk up to them the hot one thinks "here we go again some jerk trying to hit on me" When you talk to her friend instead it changes to. "Whats wrong with me? Why didn't he talk to me Im prettier. Im interested in him now"

The problem when dealing with BPD is they get inside your head and bury themselves deep in there. We feel a stronger bond due to them opening up early in the relationship and the fact that they mirror us and become in our mind our soul mate. The one weve always dreamed of.

Then the crushing blow is how after such strong emotions they can detach with apparent ease and just get on with things.

I have been reading up on how people with BPD actually feel and it seems they go through the same strife. The difference is theyre so adept at hiding their emotions that it appears that they are cold and heartless. The other problem is the push me pull me dance that they do. The closer you get the harder they push. When theyre hurting and wanting to get away before you hurt them anymore (in their opinion) and you come charging at them with all your emotions they end up running faster.

Like all my posts this is just my opinion.

I think you're totally right. I've sent 2 emails and made a video on Yotube explaining everything I should explain. He knows he has the control, he knows I jst need his response to buy the tickets.

I won't contact him again. The temptation is huge, but I'll resist. I know I'll check phone, emails etc many times per day until the end of the month, but I will also be in silence. There's nothing I can do, anyway

[SybilVane]

Oh SybilVane I feel your pain.  It hurts me to read this because I have been there.  I agree that the silent treatment is more painful than the worst verbal abuse.  Because with verbal abuse at least you can have a discourse, albeit probably not a great one.  But the silent treatment says to you, "You don't matter.  I have the power.  I decide when we talk." 

I'm not sure how much pwBPD know the pain they are inflicting with the silent treatment.  I've told my uBPDgf how much it hurts me - don't know if this was good or if it just gave her more power. 

But I really know how it feels.  The constant checking of the phone.  No motivation.  No appetite.  I too am educated and successful and never knew one person could tear me down so badly. 

I understand you are feeling symptoms of depression.  I know the feeling of simply not wanting to do anything, hardly wanting to be alive, because I've been there.  But let me tell you something that might be hard to hear.  It isn't going to get better by just staying home and doing nothing. 

Start with small steps.  Take a walk.  It may feel you are carrying 1,000 pounds on your back, but just go take a walk for a few blocks. 

Then meet a friend.  You probably already know that conversations go in circles whether you're talking TO or ABOUT your pwBPD.  So maybe you ask your friend to keep the conversation elsewhere - not about your pwBPD.  A good friend will do this for you. 

Next try and do something active.  Even if it is just a 20 minute workout.  It will probably feel hard as hell.  But what harm can it do? 

These small steps turn into big ones.  You may still feel horrible. But again, what do you have to lose? I truly understand the pain you are going through because I have been there 100%.  If you've noticed, I haven't addressed what to do with your pwBPD.  There is a reason for that.  You need to take care of yourself! Do not let this person run or ruin your life, even if it feels like they can. 

Please take care of yourself because that is the most important thing.  A big hug for you and good luck.  Feel free to reach out for anything. 

Yes, I know you're right. I am going to see a psychiatrist today. I need to seep, eat etc... .I think its the first step... .

[Overbeck]

Sybil,

The amount of empathy I feel for you right now is consuming. I am going thru exactly what you are going thru. Right now. As I type THIS very sentence.

I wait for a phone call i know is coming. I stare at the phone. It is cancerous.

Activity helps. I swim and walk. I listen to songs that I sing badly.

Avoid the ex. Avoid photographs. Avoid anything that can bring them back.

This road is tough to traverse. Today I am having the worst time. I cannot get her out of my head. But I am too stubborn to quit.


Vent. Yell at the wall. Post in here. Keep fighting. I will do likewise.

[tryingtohelp]

Hello Sybil

I was just about to post a new topic re- Silent Treatment, then read your posting,  it's like we're all dealing with the same person.   I have been getting the Radio Silence for a month now, and prior to that I endured a 5 month silence!  After all the silent treatment I have experienced, it is still no easier.    It is also hard to find anyone who has any idea what it's like and why we put up with it.  Two other women friends and my sister all tell me that what my dBPD S.O. is doing to me reminds them of what they behaved like when they were 14 ,  (she is now 32)  She can also be very thoughtful and kind , as well as being capable of awful behaviour. Frequently the bad outweighs the good!

I know from experience that the best solution is to get on with other things , meet other people and resist all urges to contact the BPD ,  not appear to be 'needy'  , all of which looks ok on the side of a coffee mug, but in reality is devastatingly hard to do , and yes it is the best approach, if you can do it, and does generally seem to work.   In my case I think about her from the moment I wake in the morning till the last thing at night , without let up, it never goes away, and somehow other things can seem so irrelevant. 

Sometimes I think it would be easier to deal with if she had died, at least there'd be a closure, but knowing she just lives a short drive away and is doing whatever she does each day like I don't exist , and that I mustn't contact her at all or else it looks like a 'weakness' is really soul destroying at times.   What I have done this time is to send her a simple message (on a communicate to be heard basis) saying that I still care about her and that if I can help her in any way, I am still here for her. I have left that as a kind of 'parting gesture' and have not sent any more since , I received no reply and it is now a month ago.

What is making it worse for me at the moment is that only a few weeks ago she started sending a few nice text messages saying that she missed me, and that she 'appreciated me' and such like. 

If you can hold out and not send any messages, I'm sure you will hear. Good luck, I really do feel for you. 

[enlighten me]

The problem with these parting gestures is that they can be seen as a back up plan to a BPD.

My exgf has a number of hangers on. Exbf's of hers who are just sat there waiting for the call so they can come running like a little puppy dog.

Its sad as I know they have gone through the same heartache that I have with her. Unlike them I now understand what is going on.

You should only make that gesture if you are over them and if you mean it. With my exgf I want to help out and we have a son together. I don't want to be involved with her anymore though.

I have been LC with my ex and will reply to any messages that she sends me but wont initiate contact. She has been doing everything to reach out to me that she can. Facebook selfies, posts about the dog etc etc.When non of that got my attention she sent me a brief business like message about finances. I responded in a factual manner but didn't engage. These messages from her are becoming more frequent now and have less important stuff in them. I fear a recycle attempt coming on.