2 steps forward, 1 step back: the exhausting (functional) dance of progress

[ziniztar]

Hi all,

I’ve been searching for a way to connect a little bit more with board members whose SO is in therapy. I feel there is a distinctive difference between pwBPD that acknowledge their illness and are in treatment, and those who are not. Sometimes I read about treatment, experience progress or setbacks which gain insight on the process my dBPDbf is going through.

As some of you might know my dBDbf (28) has been in active treatment for allmost two years now, of which >1 year specifically for BPD. The first year was for ADHD where his thought patterns revealed something else beside ADHD. We met about a year ago. He is on ADHD medicin (Concerta) since a month which has helped him to slow down his negative and positive mind-hurricanes... . It’s only these past few weeks that I’ve started to realize that working is a coping mechanism for him. The other day he mentioned he didn’t feel like doing things anymore (argue with me, argue with his friends, go to therapy, … anything really). The day after he had a session with his T. She gave him homework: examine what it means when you “don’t feel like” doing things anymore. Is it push-pull? Are you avoiding a certain emotion? Could it be something else? It feels good to know he’s becoming aware of his own (dysfunctinonal) behaviour.

What is your experience with the treatment your SO is getting? Are you getting any (treatment  )? I notice that sometimes when I feel down, I don’t even know what the cause is anymore. Is it his BPD behaviour, is it his ADHD, is it my birth control/female hormones, is it my abandonment issues, loneliness, fear of rejection or failure? There is so much going on at the same time. Can be quite exhausting. Progress is good but it’s also a process. Eager to find out how you are dealing with the ups and downs  ...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ziniztar]

Well we had a major down on Tuesday. He's obviously back in a push phase. I think it started three weeks ago and it's been getting worse. I can't get home from work and he's already annoyed with the sound of my heels before I was even ready to take of my coat.

It got a lot worse (him getting mad at me for not wanting sex), and me losing it (after two weeks of keeping it in, being the grown up, I just couldn't anymore).

Good thing is: he's aware that this is part of the BPD behaviour. He even mentioned to me that I didn't do anything wrong, that it's his head who is annoyed with me. That he's been picking fights with friends as well. He was able to voice yesterday that I'm putting a lot of pressure on him (read; he's perceiving normal questions and relationship communication as pressure). I validated that and said I would lay back a little. It worked. Not hugging him to death, not touching him that much, sitting in a closed position. He ended up being really nice and considerate to me.

I think this has been our second big dip, and I hope it doesn't get worse than this. If so - I think we're really making progress in the way we communicate and express our feelings. Both of us.

I feel confident about his self-awareness. I saw notes from his T session saying: 'investigate what it means that you are fed up with things... .is it push-pull? Are you avoiding something? Could it be something else?' It feels very good to know he's got someone that is making him aware it's not all me... .

[rj47]

On balance, I suspect you and he are doing better than most. My BPDw has started, stopped, and, restarted therapy enough times that I don't pay much attention anymore. We tried it via marital therapy as well, where she made the discussion about me, ended up fighting with the therapist and accused us of colluding against her. Nevertheless, she's returning to T again as its clear to her the something definitely isn't right with her behavior. Problem is, its taken 25 years of pain and suffering for her to make even small moves towards healing.

If you're committed to staying in the relationship about all you can do is gently but forcefully encourage him to continue therapy; and, focus on healthy coping behaviors when he relapses into the dysregulated patterns. In my case its exhausting as well, but I take small comfort that the dysregulated behavior is changing in severity and duration. Its partly from her growing self-awareness and my narrowing and raising the boundaries of what I will tolerate. We can't save them, but we have a role in improving their chances of success. So, I have some small hope.

"Two steps forward, One step back" is quite good. Hang in there.

[ziniztar]

I take small comfort that the dysregulated behavior is changing in severity and duration

I think that's hitting the nail on the head. One of the board advisors mentioned it as well: the ups and downs will never leave, but can shift in severity and frequency. It's what I'm noticing right now. His mood is the same as during our first down, but he's able to better voice his issues so I can give him what he needs without guessing, he cries more, no silent treatment (he will get very short and critical but he's not shutting me out).

I can't even begin to imagine how it must have been for you to witness her type of behaviour for such a long time. Respect - I wish a more balanced life for the both of you... you hang in there too  

[ziniztar]

He mentioned today that he is worried about me. That he told to his T that he sees that I'm struggeling with something. She apparently reacted that I was welcome to come along for a session (yay). He said he still finds that to be really difficult, because he's not up for couples therapy yet (we're 28 and together for a year, that kinda feels like stuff married couples do to us).

I let it rest today because I don't want to push him into it... but I will let him know I'd like to come along for just one session. I've read everywhere that a pwBPD's environment should be involved in treatment, so I was hoping for this for a while... but didn't want to push him. Therapy is his safe place now and I don't want to take that away.

[Rapt Reader]

I think that is very cool, ziniztar, that your boyfriend is in Therapy, and he's willing to talk to you about it, and that you can actually see and hear him using the things he's learned. I admire him for realizing he had a problem, admitting that he needed help for it, and then following through with it. It takes a lot for someone with BPD to jump those hurdles.

My adult (37) son has BPD, and has been in Therapy (well, multiple therapies) for it ever since his diagnosis of it in April of 2013. He's really doing well, and I just want to let you know that if your boyfriend is taking it seriously and wants to get better, he really can. You are really a good friend to him to be hanging in there as he goes through this process. I think it would be really cool if you could go to one of his sessions; I really hope that he is able to get to the place where he will ask you to do that.

I think you are doing a good job supporting him and his Therapy, and throughout this whole process with my son, what has helped is being happy with the TLCs (Tiny Little Changes) when I see them. Valerie Porr, in her book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" mentions this. Instead of expecting big changes, be on the lookout for the little ones that show that he's making progress. With my son, it's as simple as seeing him react with calmness to something that would normally send him into a tailspin. Or if he cheerfully offers to do something that in the past would've made him grumble for hours. Stuff like that. I've found that all of these TLCs over the last 16 months or so since his diagnosis have added up to a nice, steady recovery resulting in our family being happier and more peaceful than ever. I wish that for you and your boyfriend, too... .

[ziniztar]

I like that, TLC's. Isn't that a network in your country as well? With shows like 'Supercake boss' and 'The real mob wives of NYC' haha.

For some strange reason it's nice to hear this from you - as a mother. I can't really read my dBPDbf's mother. I'm slowly learning their family dynamics when they were younger and it's getting more clear that they were all really affected. But the weird thing is that she sometimes recognizes the illness and then shoves it down the rug with a 'we've always know him like this and it doesn't matter if it gets labeled we love him either way'. Yeah not really my point. On other occasions she will say to me 'I'm happy with you. I know my son can be difficult.' And then, weeks after, when I try to discuss something with her it's like she's pretending not to know about the systematic illness anymore. It's strange. I feel like she maybe can't handle it and is still to uncertain of her own parenting to accept it.

I wish I could help her but I also feel like she doesn't want to deal with it yet, so I'll wait. I think this site would help her tremendously. And I commend you for facing the issues and helping yourself and him along the way.

Is your son in a relationship now?

[Rapt Reader]

Actually, since the BPD diagnosis (and for about the 2 years prior to it), he hasn't been in a romantic relationship. All I ever knew about his troubles before the DDx Program that diagnosed the BPD was his ADD & Clinical Depression & Social Anxiety that he'd been diagnosed with at age 20. I do believe that girlfriends (and he has had a few) never really asked me anything--though I do know I'd mentioned the ADD to some of them as an explanation for certain behaviors.

Since the BPD diagnosis he hasn't had a romantic relationship, but is still best friends with a former girlfriend who knows EVERYTHING about his life and now BPD; she and I are close and I've even given her my BPD books that she is reading voraciously (she just split up with a long-term boyfriend and is seeing High Functioning--my own son is Low Functioning--BPD traits in that Ex). My son doesn't mind my friendship with this best friend of his (and he's pretty happy about the recent break-up of hers; I believe he has high hopes   ), and sometimes the 3 of us talk about his past and present and how his troubles came about.

Yes. My son is different; as a Low Functioning BPD he's really not as hard to live with or love or understand as he could be--especially now that he's been in Therapy for so long. But, I do love this former girlfriend/now best friend of his, and if she would ever decide to try again with my son for a more romantic relationship, my husband and I would celebrate 

I think it's great, zinzitar, that you have at least been able to talk to your boyfriend's Mom about some things; if she found this site (and the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD Board) it would be very helpful to her, I'm sure. If you do ever feel the time is right to encourage her to read this site--and even post her thoughts--remember not to give her your Screen Name, or find out hers. You'd really want the 2 of you to be anonymous to each other so you both could share honestly without fear of what you are saying 

[ziniztar]

though I do know I'd mentioned the ADD to some of them as an explanation for certain behaviors.

Yeah, my dBPDbf's mom does this too. Allthough she does not openly accept the BPD, she is putting a lot of attention on his ADHD. Allmost as if she's compensating.

and if she would ever decide to try again with my son for a more romantic relationship, my husband and I would celebrate  

If hope they try, for the both of you .

I think it's great, zinzitar, that you have at least been able to talk to your boyfriend's Mom about some things; if she found this site (and the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD Board) it would be very helpful to her, I'm sure. If you do ever feel the time is right to encourage her to read this site--and even post her thoughts--remember not to give her your Screen Name, or find out hers. You'd really want the 2 of you to be anonymous to each other so you both could share honestly without fear of what you are saying  

You're completely right. I won't. His younger sister came up to me the other day to check how he was doing. He was very short and negative towards them and she wanted to know what was going on. All of a sudden she started opening up about how she has always felt when he was acting like this. And that she is seeing progress in him as well. I directed her to this site and explained there are different boards... who have helped me a lot. She's a strong young intelligent woman so I hope that this is the first step for their family of accepting BPD and actively gaining more knowledge. It's been a rough time for all of them.

My dBPDbfd has been feeling very depressed lately. He's avoiding conversations with me as it avoids having to feel uncomfortable or pain - as we're not doing fine. However I think I've found my tipping point in this. Before the weekend he mentioned he thinks we met each other too early. And that he would like to leave me so I could move on and find someone better. But he said he couldn't, he didn't want to let me go.

I went to a new T yesterday, and it felt right. He was one of the first to actually acknowledge the unhealthy environment I grew up in, called it 'emotionally incestuous'. When I called my dBPDbf about it he said he felt relieved for me - and for himself I think. Had a good talk with my brother as well. Things are getting back on track (for me).  

[waverider]

That 2 steps forward and 1 step back still gets you down, even though it is progress it is like dragging an anchor behind you. It is hard to get that enthusiam of planning forward.

My partner is open to her diagnosis, and had all sorts of bandaiding therapies, which are never followed through. We are getting a little more focused each time though. She is line for specialized BPD therapy, but she is still a long way from being reliable enough to commit.

Her functionality is probably at its lowest now, but we have virtually eliminated conflict and unhealthy coping mechanisms like projecting onto others, and wiping herself out with alcohol and medication abuse is under control.

So progress yes, but her life sucks. If I hadn't rebuilt stuff for me my life would suck too. Fortunately my life quality is not totally dependent on where she is at. It does take the edge of planning for the future though, as you can get stuck i a hold mode

[ziniztar]

That 2 steps forward and 1 step back still gets you down, even though it is progress it is like dragging an anchor behind you. It is hard to get that enthusiam of planning forward.

It's hard yes, and don't you think it could also be invalidating? Him planning a vacation when I've just mentioned that I probably can't keep this up for the next few weeks unless something changes, feels invalidating to my current state of mind. Planning a vacation in October when he's feeling superdepressed and has no idea whether we will make it, I guess feels invalidating to his fears. I think in those times you have to let go of what you really want and not take the insecurity personally.

So progress yes, but her life sucks. If I hadn't rebuilt stuff for me my life would suck too. Fortunately my life quality is not totally dependent on where she is at. It does take the edge of planning for the future though, as you can get stuck i a hold mode

My T mentioned in one intake session that he sees I feel responsible for someone elses feelings. He says "I wish for you you could get a little bit more angry." although he sided with me that getting angry at a pwBPD is not the best long term solution. He has treated pwBPD and is experienced in schema therapy so I feel understood in my battles with my pwBPD as well. That is nice.

Waverider, I find it impressive how you paint your (wife's) life and how you've been able to let go of her moodswings. I've seen you respond in other threads saying 'Right now when she is a bad mood I just let her be and don't let her waste my evening.' That is a level of acceptance I really wish to acquire . And because I let him get to me when he is depressed, the fact he is depressed, has a lot more impact. So once I get to a place where it doesn't hurt me anymore I can make my own life a lot better. And, probably his.

What I notice is that I feel afraid. Let's say I get home and he is utterly depressed. If I picture myself cooking, watching TV for myself, reading a book, I am afraid he will think I am selfish. That I am not supporting him, not there for him, and that by chosing my own path I am invalidating and he will leave me. I'm starting to see that is quite skewed as getting into an angry rage is a lot more invalidating then not being affected by his moods and doing stuff for myself. He even said to me: "Sometimes I wish you wouldn't be so affected by my mood swings." He feels responsible for my well-being and my rages/crying sends him into a depression that he's destroying everything in his life.

Where have you drawn the line? I guess you don't immediately shut yourself off when you get home and see the glass is half empty today. How long do you engage in the conversation before you stop trying to understand/validate their current mood and move over to your own life?

[waverider]

It is a balancing act and will be different for everyone. I think we have to overcome our own fear of BPD conflict before we can be more effective at putting our hands on the wheel. Totally avoiding conflict as opposed to being less effected by it will always steer you off course.

Consistently proving your reliability will reduce the abandonment issues and need for reassurance.

What I notice is that I feel afraid. Let's say I get home and he is utterly depressed. If I picture myself cooking, watching TV for myself, reading a book, I am afraid he will think I am selfish. That I am not supporting him, not there for him, and that by chosing my own path I am invalidating and he will leave me. I'm starting to see that is quite skewed as getting into an angry rage is a lot more invalidating then not being affected by his moods and doing stuff for myself. He even said to me: "Sometimes I wish you wouldn't be so affected by my mood swings." He feels responsible for my well-being and my rages/crying sends him into a depression that he's destroying everything in his life.

When I do my own thing I dont shut her out as such, as you are right it can verge into passive aggressive, but I wont get overly bogged down in endless self analysis. I work from home so we are together 24/7 apart from when I go out to do something, and the self analysis would fill that entire time if I allowed it too.

As far as planning goes she is obsessed about planning what she wants to do, but in reality can't even keep her plans for that day. Even for example lets go have a coffee in a couple of hours, it wont happen. Everything gets put off or cancelled. Yet at the time she seriously thinks it will, not only that it is a priority and will want everyone around her to reschedule their day to accommodate these whims. That creates resentment if you try.

Planning vacations does not excite me as she will obsess about them, and I know it may be cancelled or the entire vacation may be spent "being ill" or some other drama. I get more of a buzz knowing the weather tomorrow is going to be great and so make a definite plan to do something tomorrow, and she can either come or not.

At the moment she is very depressed and is only out of bed 6 hours or so a day. For some reason she is now scared of the dark, given it is winter here it starts getting dark shortly after 5pm, so anxiety starts to set in around 4pm and she is in bed by 6pm, having not got out of bed before midday. So as you can see not much of a life at the moment. It would be too easy to get depressed by association.

Theres not much I can do about this as this is the phase she is going through at the moment. Previous phases have include insomnia and fighting the urge to sleep and so staying awake for consequential days until she passed out. There is no "normal".

I think she is more tolerant of allowing me to do my thing because I dont get in her face when she is being dysfunctional, eg at the moment I dont go on at her to get out of bed, that would'nt do any good only cause conflict, depress her more then it would be my fault she was in bed. Tolerance didn't happen overnight though.

One aspect I think that helps my acceptance is I dont have the sharp contrast of coming home from a work environment around fully functional people to suddenly walk in the door to see "the mess" and have to quickly put my "coping hat" on. I think that constant contrast could almost induce the need to have a split personality. At least I have consistency

[an0ught]

The two steps forward and one back are common. The sometimes seemingly random progress movements can be confusing and frustrating so it is important to have

1. Milestone, celebrations, way markers. There is progress, it is sometimes very tangible and can be measured.

2. Not to be too focused on micro progress. Careful observation of what is happening yes but measuring progress too closely better not.

3. Not being reactive - getting things right every time is impossible. Having skills and processes however help us to get it right more often than not.