Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 08:00:03 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Must i tell her father that she is BPD ?  (Read 590 times)
Fanie
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Life Partners
Posts: 181



« on: July 07, 2014, 06:04:16 AM »

She is undiagnosed

She has no relationship with her father

(she once hinted that she can never forgive him for what he did to her mother, his wife, but refuse details)

I consulted a T, as, 10 years I realized her behavior is deteriorating

Given the 10 years history to the T, he confirmed BPD (I thought sociopath)

Should I have a man-to-man with her farther ?
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

itgirl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 4 years living together
Posts: 195



« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2014, 06:25:07 AM »

Fanie -  your situation seems like it is not getting any better.  I don't have much advice here accept a question.

What good can come out of having a conversation with him?   

Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2014, 07:00:03 AM »

Fanie -  your situation seems like it is not getting any better.  I don't have much advice here accept a question.

What good can come out of having a conversation with him?   

Do you know the father?  I'm not thinking this is a good idea.  If she finds out... .it could further deteriorate.

Even if you expose a lie... .that he is a normal dad... .that still puts her in a box.
Logged

Fanie
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Life Partners
Posts: 181



« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2014, 07:24:55 AM »

I posted to get responses

and what materialized so far, was what my thoughts were

I promised her NOT to tell anybody !

(another post somewhere)

What good can come out of having a conversation with him?   

Serves no purpose !

Logged
Fanie
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Life Partners
Posts: 181



« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2014, 07:26:37 AM »

Fanie -  your situation seems like it is not getting any better.  I don't have much advice here accept a question.

Yeah, it seems to get worse ... .(especially alcohol and I think cheating ... .)
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2014, 07:40:47 AM »

Hi Fannie

You have to be very careful with this. I have been toying with the idea of discussing it with my exgf family and the problem is that I don't know if any of them may be BPD.

If her mum is then she could see it as a direct attack on her and label me as a trouble maker.

I thought about her brother in law but knowing what my ex BPD partners where like I don't know if she may have cheated with him ( I know this may seem paranoid but Im covering all the options here)

I thought about her ex husband as he has a child with her but don't want him storming in and making things worse.

It is a potential minefield.

Maybe if you spoke to him and said you were concerned by her behaviour and ask if he had any worries that both of you could try and address.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2014, 08:12:39 AM »

 

Fanie,

Tell me about your relationship with the Father... .and her other family?

I considered reaching out to my uBPDw family (especially the father who is married to the mom... .who shows traits of BPD as well). 

My tactic was going to be enlisting him to protect the grandkids. 

I got some advice in real life and on this board and I decided to leave it alone.

I'm not thinking in all situations this is bad... .but if you have no existing r/s... .you have no idea what you are walking into. 

Remember... .things can get better... .but they can also get worse!

Logged

Fanie
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Life Partners
Posts: 181



« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2014, 09:43:56 AM »

Thanx for your inputs

Me and her farther had a great relationship up to 6 years ago

I only realized after discovering BPD, that she was instrumental to

alienating the two of us ?

Part of her strategy?

Like I said earlier, she has no relationship with her father

(or that is what she says)

(she once hinted that she can never forgive him for what he

did to her mother, his wife, but refuse details)

Maybe someday she might tell me, but I doubt

I think he abused her verbally over many years

He also didn't see the kids for over a year now

(something from her / or him, I don't know)

I don't know him well to be able to judge possible BPD

Logged
Fanie
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Life Partners
Posts: 181



« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2014, 09:45:13 AM »

I don't have a relationship with her brothers

I think the same applies

Maybe painted black with them over a long (silent) period

I think so
Logged
HopefulDad
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 663


« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2014, 10:18:54 AM »

I've thought about telling my in-laws about my wife's diagnosed BPD, but I know her mother would run to her with "You're not well!  You have a mental disease!  You need to get help!"  And then my wife would grill her on why she said that and what makes her an expert on mental illness.  And then my MIL would flounder with her response, get defensive and say, "Well, that's what your husband told me."  And then my wife would tell her that we're all against her.

I'd prefer my wife hear it from a professional.

And I would never mention an undiagnosed disorder to anyone.

YMMV
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2014, 03:25:20 PM »

Part of her strategy?

While we will never know for sure... .I would stay away from thinking this is a well thought out strategy.

When I let my mind go there with my uBPDw... .I start thinking of her as evil instead of sick.  I don't deal with it as well.

Just a thought.

I'm also thinking that involving others in her family is a big complication... .at least right now.

Logged

itgirl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 4 years living together
Posts: 195



« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2014, 01:31:59 AM »

I think if you tell anyone that you suspect she has BPD she will lose her trust in you.  Maybe you should try and help her with all the drinking. 

I have looked it up an example:

"I wonder if you drink less your health/well-being may improve."

"I've noticed that you aren't so positive about life since you've been drinking more. This isn't the kind of person I know you to be. I'm not bringing it up to upset you, but because I'm concerned."

It's best to avoid harsh criticism, making judgments and labels such as "alcoholic". 

Fanie, I hope your situation improves as I can see you are trying your best. 
Logged

Jacq189

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 29


« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2014, 02:55:36 AM »

I would agree with what most others have said that it probably isn't the best option to tell him you suspect BPD as it would be a break in trust. And right now you want to show her all the suport you can, if she feels betrayed at this point all could be lost.

I also wanted to add that there may be a very good reason that she doesn't want to have a relationship with her father. I would take her hints of him being abusive in the past very seriously. It is not always the case but many people develop BPD due to traumatic events during childhood and it could very well have been her father who caused this. Obviously I don't know, but i think it is a good idea to keep in mind it is a posibility and therefore may be extremely important that you don't break her trust particularly in regards to her father.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!