Radical acceptance..or just "giving up"

[sunshine40]

Hello,

I am not sure whether I have reached a point of Radical acceptance, or whether I have just given up. Or is the difference between the two entirely the attitude I choose to look at the situation?

My uBPDh , (high functioning) still has his crazy-making moments, but they are fewer and further between, and when he has them he seems to notice what he is doing... .sometimes he throws an even bigger fit (of course getting angry at me and anyone near him... .and really he is angry at himself) and sometimes he clams himself down.

Anyway, when he is doing something irrational it seems to not bother me as much. Except when it comes to CONSTANTLY arguing with our 10 year old daughter. They just butt heads, and he never wants to be an adult about it... .he just wants to (well he says he does not WANT to... .but since he does not see how to stop it except by bullying, because he knows nothing more effective) argue with almost everything she does. Including sitting in the living room on the couch reading. True, she IS a chatter box... .true she can get very rude, but that does not mean that everything that comes out of her mouth is rude, and deserves to get condemned for it.

Regarding the situation with the dd, He knows I do not like his way of dealing with her, but I do nothing. That is his way of dealing with her, and I have promised not to interfere. I wouldn't know what to do anyway.

Any other recent crazy-making episodes I have just held my breath through... .oh ya, and I have stopped attempting to go into social situation that I know would make him very uncomfortable... .they are overcomplicated by his irrational fears that everyone is going to fall in love with me and I will end up looking at these other men who "already love me" (of course not true) and think they are better than him, and run away with one of them. So I just don't participate in those social situations (actually they are all church gatherings, service projects, potlucks, what have you) although I would, in most cases, still like to. I am just tired of the fight. So I do not even bring it up, or purposely plan something else during those events. Which kinda makes me sad if I think about it too much, so I try not to think about it.

So is this radical acceptance, or just giving up? I can't tell.

Thanks,

sunshine

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[123Phoebe]

Hi sunshine40,

So is this radical acceptance, or just giving up? I can't tell.

It sounds like what you're describing is a combination of both-- accepting H for who he is, then kinda giving up hope for positive change to take place.  Your H might not want to change, that doesn't mean you can't change things up for the better. 

What's this about not interfering with how he 'deals' with your daughter?

[sunshine40]

A few years back we reached an agreement that if either of us were disciplining one of the kids, the other one of us would not interfere. Of course I would take exception to any sort of physical abuse, but he is not a hitter, so I do not have to worry about that. The thing is, my uBPDh thinks that yelling is the solution to everything. So if 10d is breathing too loudly, ( when he is in a mood) he yells, and she automatically fusses back, because really... .she did not do anything... .and he yells more because she is "talking back"... and the there is this big ol' yelling match between the two. Mostly because he is horribly invalidating  and she has this deep need to be "listened to", which is why I think she is a chatter box.

I think he is being stupid for getting angry over the smallest things and he thinks "nipping it in the bud" by yelling at her for the teeniest actions is the way to stop the behavior. It clearly does not stop it. It only makes it worse... .but he won't listen to that anyway.

And there are times when he does start his lectures or yelling at her when it is warranted, because she just hit her sister or something, and the whole cycle happens again. And there are times when he "asks nicely" for her to be quiet or to stop a certain behavior before it escalated to the yelling. I am not really irritated by those times. I see him "trying" and sometimes the ten year old behaves like a ten year old and does not respond well. (actually she responds the way she has seen her father behave). And at those times I am happy to not interfere.

When he is not trying... .and he is in a mood and wants complete silence of absence of other people around (like his bulimia is acting up and he cannot eat with anyone else in the room, and he decides to eat in the living room and someone comes in to watch something that was on TV or sit and read... .anything will make him yell) or when his favorite sports are on TV... .or when he is just in a mood... .yelling will be the first thing. That is when I get irritated/ disappointed about it. But other than trying to direct the child to another activity in another area as a preemptive measure, I do not interfere. pretty much in the end he just sends her to her room anyway. I just don't like the fighting.

Sometimes now D10 is SO hypersensitive about what other people say, she thinks they are "yelling" at her and she starts a brat attack and says some very mean things, which end up getting her in trouble of course. So I think the hypersensitivity breeds hypersensitivity in her and makes the whole house an unpleasant place. Ironically, if it juts her and someone else one on one, she is a very pleasant, amiable person. Even with her father.

well I guess I am just venting. but that was what I meant by not interfering.

[willtimeheal]

As far as not doing the social gathering due to his insecurities I do believe that is to some extent not giving up but giving in.  I understand in a marriage there is a give and take and there is compromise but don't lose the things you enjoy and don't lose yourself.  Something my therapist told me... .If you are thinking it and not saying it then you are not taking care of yourself and your needs. And that is not good. You are an equal in this relationship and you have a right to be happy and do the things you enjoy. Stand up for yourself speak your peace. You will be surprised at once you set boundaries he will scream and cry at first but stand strong and soon the tantrum will stop and he will accept it. Don't give up parts of yourself. Do the things you want to do.

[LilHurt420]

I pretty much could have written this myself!  My H is also undiagnosed and of course he thinks nothing is wrong with him. I've also given up or accepted, not sure how you want to look.  It seems to have stopped the crazy making somewhat, but he will still have his days.  He often yells are our 5yo for "talking back" or "talking too much" when he does it because he sees dad's attitude has changed.  I stay out of it too, because if I get involved he gets mad at me for "interfering with his parenting"

I haven't stopped going to social things, as usually my husband doesn't focus how others will want me and I will fall into it on specific people.  He just talks about it when in his rants.

I believe they do this because they know that they are crazy and not normal, so they're scared that one day we will leave for someone who is normal and once we see what it's like to be with someone who is normal they're craziness will truly be exposed.

[waverider]

Radical acceptance, is accepting things as they are without them bothering you or clashing with your values. They simply dont bother you.

When you are not addressing issues, because you dont know how to or are afraid of the consequences, then that is avoidance. The issues still bother you.

Allowing a child to be bullied is in effect being complicit. A read of the coping board will demonstrate how adult children of pwBPD view that. It can have ongoing problems with your future RS with your daughter. Let alone the damage to you daughter and the guilt you will live with.

Before I found out about BPD I was ineffective in protecting my kids, and still feel the guilt over it.