Not a good weekend.

[thicker skin]

I've been keen to get more of a life beyond the house and do more 'us' things, together.

After many, many weekends of going nowhere and blunt refusals to have date nights, I finally managed to get him to come out for lunch yesterday. Well, I thought I had. We got ready, drove up the road and when he asked if we were going to the garden centre, I said no, so he told me to turn the car around and go home. He said that he doesn't do pubs and only goes out if he has a purpose. So we went home.

I felt disappointed. I didn't show it. He was angry and started mouthing off. I ignored him.

Come the evening, our D15 wanted to go to the beach, so I took her... .It was beautiful.

When we came home, I shut the gate behind me, forgetting that my SO has a hire vehicle a at the moment, not registering that he was out.

I thought he was in his shed, or having a lay down. Of course, when he got home, he thought I was being difficult, shutting him out. He asked me if I enjoyed closing the gate and insinuated that I was baiting him. I explained my genuine mistake, he laughed and called me mental.

My friend then rang to discuss an interview that I'd had on Friday and he listened in the background, calling me a bu££sh177er. I ignored him.

Later on he sat down, told me that I know I'm mental and to move out as soon as possible.

This morning, he acted like nothing had happened... .

I've asked him to read The High Conflict Couple with me, but he refuses.

Any ideas on how to get him engaged and recognise the dynamics?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I've been keen to get more of a life beyond the house and do more 'us' things, together.

After many, many weekends of going nowhere and blunt refusals to have date nights, I finally managed to get him to come out for lunch yesterday. Well, I thought I had. We got ready, drove up the road and when he asked if we were going to the garden centre, I said no, so he told me to turn the car around and go home. He said that he doesn't do pubs and only goes out if he has a purpose. So we went home.

I felt disappointed. I didn't show it. He was angry and started mouthing off. I ignored him.

Come the evening, our D15 wanted to go to the beach, so I took her... .It was beautiful.

When we came home, I shut the gate behind me, forgetting that my SO has a hire vehicle a at the moment, not registering that he was out.

I thought he was in his shed, or having a lay down. Of course, when he got home, he thought I was being difficult, shutting him out. He asked me if I enjoyed closing the gate and insinuated that I was baiting him. I explained my genuine mistake, he laughed and called me mental.

My friend then rang to discuss an interview that I'd had on Friday and he listened in the background, calling me a bu££sh177er. I ignored him.

Later on he sat down, told me that I know I'm mental and to move out as soon as possible.

This morning, he acted like nothing had happened... .

I've asked him to read The High Conflict Couple with me, but he refuses.

Any ideas on how to get him engaged and recognise the dynamics?

there seem to be several things going on here.

I would pick use boundaries to start picking them off... .one by one.

Did you drop him off at the house and then go on the date night by yourself?  If not... .then you are letting him define what you do... .that gets old quick.  You don't control him and he doesn't control you.  So he can back out on a date night... but you go have a good time.  Don't apologize for that.

If he starts being mouthy... .rather than ignoring him... .you may want to use a boundary that you will go be by yourself to not even listen to it.

[thicker skin]

Thank you Formflier... .

It was just lunch, not even an evening. He thinks people watch us, so is very difficult to get out and once there, he tends to be very isolated. I used to let him get on with it and enjoy myself as it's quite dull to be ignored and stood next to all night. This is one of his major issues with me. I thought I was being reasonable, he thinks I'm selfish and flirting.

I wanted to go alone, but feared the backlash. There is usually a row or something of mine taken away, whilst I am instructed on how to behave properly. It's in front of the kids and I am so tired of them witnessing me being told off, called selfish, pathetic etc. I went to the supermarket instead and cooled off/got some distance that way.

You're right, he doesn't have to go ... .I ask and generally get refused. I guess I just see that as very unhealthy. I let it pass, but this time he said yes, then made me go home within two minutes because I wasn't doing a 50mile round trip to go to the garden centre for lunch. Perhaps I should have compromised, but there are so many nice little pubs and restaurants where we live... .The social isolation can cripple both of us. I thought we were just going to have some us time. I didn't know that wasn't a good reason to go out.

So... .If I want a quiet country pub or cute cafe lunch... .I invite him but go alone if he's not up for it?

[formflier]

So... .If I want a quiet country pub or cute cafe lunch... .I invite him but go alone if he's not up for it?

Yes... .but certainly you would want to think through if this is a battle that matters to you.

I faced this for a while because I would ask and make plans and there was waffling up until last minute... some times I would be late... .and usually I would end up being the bad guy.

So... the boundary is... .(I haven't done this much)... .that I ask... .and if there is waffling or indecision.  I let her know when I'm going... .I hope she will come... .but I go. 

At least that is the theory... but not much experience.

There may be an angle of getting back some control.  By stating what you are doing and inviting him... .you are in a more powerful situation.  You have decided what you are going to do.

If you are always asking... .he has the power.

Again... think through if this is really the most important thing to put energy into "right now".

[123Phoebe]

So... .If I want a quiet country pub or cute cafe lunch... .I invite him but go alone if he's not up for it?

Absolutely   Or go alone without even asking him.  Live the life you want to live.

My guy was so resistant to going certain places.  He'd look at me sideways over the mere suggestion of such outlandish ideas.  I got to the point of what in the world am I doing to myself, by depriving myself of simple pleasures, a nice simple life?  So, I'd either invite a friend or go alone.

He's the one coming up with most of the suggestions now!  It's great!  He has some very fun ideas

We haven't discussed it really, but it would seem that when he realized I was taking the lead of my own life (not out of anything to do with him; what he was doing or not doing ), he wanted to be a part of it.

[thicker skin]

I'm lonely Formflier... .I'm also stuck... .Stuck trying to make changes to myself, to get back some sort of meaning to my life.

With the accrued assets of our lifetime together being in his name only, in case we separate and the threats to evict me over differences of opinion, what used to make me tick and drive me on, has all but evaporated. Can nons feel invalidated too?

He is very comfortable... .I'm not. Pottering around the garden all weekend used to give me pleasure. It doesn't now, as I'm weary of trying, failing and then having to leave the things I love, or hear how another woman will be in my shoes and bed. I'm aware that I am preparing a home for him and whoever he chooses.

It's just got on top of me this week. I saw a small window and it was closed. Just something for me, that I like, once in a while.

[thicker skin]

Phoebe 

He's content in the house. I did fly solo a few weeks ago... .I've had sh1te since, for imaginary affairs or men hassling me. I get brave, do it, then suffer the consequences.

I'm hated for my sociable personality. Jeeze! His issue is who I am aka not socially withdrawn, enjoy a good old knees up and family parties.

A better week next week. A better week next week... .