the morning fight

[dog_star]

my dBPD it string things up again this morning. she has been recovering from acl surgery so I have been taking the kid to camp in the am as she can not drive. so, she feels like I do not allow enough time in the morning. so she attacks me over it, ending in the typical "this why we can not be together." I on the other hand feel like - you have an alarm if you think the kid needs more time, get up early yourself and get him ready and stop worrying about what I am doing wrong. I have asked her not to help in the morning (aka stay in bed and don't get worked up), suggesting she can sleep in. maybe if I just flat out out say, "I do not want or need your help in the mornings." I don't know that might sound like rejection to her. suggestions... .thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

my dBPD it string things up again this morning. she has been recovering from acl surgery so I have been taking the kid to camp in the am as she can not drive. so, she feels like I do not allow enough time in the morning. so she attacks me over it, ending in the typical "this why we can not be together." I on the other hand feel like - you have an alarm if you think the kid needs more time, get up early yourself and get him ready and stop worrying about what I am doing wrong. I have asked her not to help in the morning (aka stay in bed and don't get worked up), suggesting she can sleep in. maybe if I just flat out out say, "I do not want or need your help in the mornings." I don't know that might sound like rejection to her. suggestions... .thanks

This classic push pull... Help me/Dont control me.

She wants you to do this, but cant handle you taking control (in case you do it better) so she sabotages it.

I used to go through similar morning routine getting kids ready for school. Like most folks in the morning you go through your routines automatically in the morning and it all seems to come together and works with little extra thought. Then my partner would get up and "help hurry us along" and in the process mess up everyones routine and rattling everyones cages". As a result it all becomes chaos, inefficient and everyone ends up in a bad mood.

You will have to make a boundary of either its your job or hers, you cannot both run the show. Maybe if you phrase it along the lines of demarcation, you do X and I will take care of getting kid to camp. Just saying stay out of it without acknowledging her responsibility for something else, will seem like a criticism, and we know were that leads

Asking and suggesting wont get you anywhere.

[dog_star]

waverider thank you for the reply. I will try to set a clear boundary over the morning thing as you suggested. obviously the asking and suggesting is not working as the morning problem continues.   

we have a joint T appointment tonight and I plan on hashing this one out.

I know one thing - I am tired of not getting breakfast and drinking the marginal coffee at work becouse I was driven out of the house by her rage. it has got to be hard for my son as well.

thanks for the help!

[ziniztar]

Make it clear. Make it black and white, grey is a very uncomfortable colour.

When me and my dBPDbf are doing household chores (he hates them), he knows I won't allow him to not participate. I won't dig in. I will ask him to help me do the dishes - he won't. He'll procrastinate, watch a little tv, etc.

Then I make it clear: ok, so, we're going to do the dishes. It's either us doing them together now, or you by yourself in the morning when I'm at work. Pick one  .

He's still not amused, but he will always prefer doing it with me and ends up helping. Choices are good for pwBPD, as long as they feel realistic and without any pressure of chosing a particular side. So instead of asking "Will you get the kids ready?" change it into: "We need to get the kids ready and do groceries. Which one will you do  ?"