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Author Topic: The Need for Drama  (Read 454 times)
earthgirl
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« on: July 08, 2014, 01:22:59 PM »

I posted this in another thread about things pwBPD's say:

Regarding the need for drama... .I think my pwBPD's favorite question of all time is, "What's wrong?"  He will ask this at least once a day.  He will ask this when there's nothing wrong, whatsoever, and I am happy and content.  When he doesn't get the answer he wants, he keeps poking at me, asking over and over, saying "I don't believe you" until I get so tired of feeling invalidated, I get upset.  Then he wins:  something is now wrong. *sigh*

I think this issue... .this need for drama (excitement?) has been the most difficult thing for me to deal with in our relationship.  He fought often and with much vim and vigor and zest with his first wife, who gave as good as she got.  He seems so... .disappointed that I don't react well to loud angry fighting.  He has said, several times, "You don't know how to handle conflict."  Not true!  I don't mind conflict -- I believe it's healthy in any relationship.  It's the WAY he wants to deal with conflict that I find so difficult. I have this terrible feeling that he misses it.  I'm really afraid that what I love -- those (rare) peaceful times -- just fills him with something akin to fear.  I think it makes him feel empty.

Can anyone relate to this?  Or am I just babbling? 
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peiper
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« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2014, 02:34:37 PM »

My soon to be exwife always needs some kind of drama in her life. So your not babbling.
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wishfulthinking
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« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2014, 03:00:11 PM »

I think you are definitely on to something.  I wonder if peace gives them too much time to contemplate themselves and they never want to look inside theirselves, so the drama keeps them busy?  Good post!
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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2014, 03:07:59 PM »

With both my ex wife and exgf there was always a need for drama. At times it felt like I was living in a soap opera.

It was always some ones done this and some ones done that and I was nearly in an accident because some idiot did this. You couldn't have a normal journey in the car without it being made into a life or death situation.

Everything was over emphasised. Which I suppose how a BPD is about everything.
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« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2014, 05:23:12 PM »

I see it as more of a sense of "comfort" that some of us don't necessarily understand when we desire more of a neutral zone.

The same way my husband can't understand my procrastination brought about my own motivation not being present until in a state of urgency.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

There was a reference once that I saw (I wish I could find it) that explained it as a way of a person with BPD equalizing anxiety by bringing about their environment to match what's going on in the inside. It's a coping mechanism.

I believe the pwBPD in my life is involved in chaos (or drama) because it's comfortable to her. I used to think she would sit and just create crisis (which she kinda does) just to make herself miserable. Now, I can appreciate more that the constant noise is what helps make all the other hard stuff she deals with more bearable. So I try not to get overly involved when she seems to be using this coping skill of hers. It's hard though.  

Besides, I can't say that I don't crave a little drama myself when it gets too quiet in my head. I think a lot of us do or we wouldn't find ourselves involved with this personality type.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2014, 05:35:29 PM »

I think you are definitely on to something.  I wonder if peace gives them too much time to contemplate themselves and they never want to look inside theirselves, so the drama keeps them busy?  Good post!

This ^^. A typical Saturday morning in our household begins with "We need to get going! There are too many things we need to get done this weekend!". Never mind that it's only 7am and the house is clean and we don't really have any errands to run. In her mind, there are ALWAYS a million things to get done.

My idea is to slowly wake up on the weekends (and really, my idea of sleeping in is just 8am!) and enjoy a cup of coffee on the back patio. If I sit down for even 5 minutes, the wife starts getting annoyed and pestering me to get moving. She can't ever just enjoy down time and relax. I honestly don't think she can handle being alone with herself
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« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2014, 09:08:53 PM »

I must get asked anywhere from 10 to 30 times a day whats wrong or whats your problem its so annoying.  that sounds mean but it is.  plus the drama is out of control their is always something going on. and if their isn't anything going on they are looking for something to be wrong. My boyfriend has to now every detail of every conversation I have, always looking for something to be wrong and then creating it.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2014, 09:34:21 PM »

I can relate to you to a certain extent. My BPDw seems to go from one issue bothering her to another. Like your BPD, yours and mine seem to crave the excitement and the need of drama. It seems as though they are so used to drama, that if they don't have it, they make it up. Maybe, it is too hard for them to accept that happiness can be a possibility. Maybe, in order to deal with their issue is to validate, but also to comfort that everything is okay. This kind of reminds me of the terry cloth mother and chimp in Psychology. Take care, my friend!
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« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2014, 11:01:19 PM »

If you are in conflict you are being exposed for their scrutiny. If you are not in conflict, they have no idea what you are thinking. They dont trust not knowing and will assume the worse. They need the drama to open you up so they can take a peak and find out if you are thinking bad of them.

Its based in insecurity.

Things can't be just OK, they dont do just OK, it is an alien concept
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2014, 02:13:15 PM »

I think you are definitely on to something.  I wonder if peace gives them too much time to contemplate themselves and they never want to look inside their selves, so the drama keeps them busy?  Good post!

I honestly believe this is true.  The "drama" has subsided a lot in our relationship lately due to the fact I'm pregnant.  I will no longer argue back with my husband and he knows he can't push our fights too far and can't force me to stay up all night long listening to him rant and rave about how great he is, his irrational fears about what could happen in the future, and so on.  Since the drama has subsided he's replaced it with one binge after another.  First it was learning everything he could about history, then it was a religion, now he's thrown himself into smoking and taking prescription meds more often than he should.  I found him passed out when I went home on break when he should be at work.  He wouldn't even wake up to tell me why he didn't go to work.  I just left.  I'm not dealing with the drama anymore.  If this is his new way to provoke drama from me it's not working.  Sadly he's spriling out of control without drama fueling him and keeping his mind busy.  Now he has time to look at himself what what he really is and I don't think he likes it.
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2014, 02:14:06 PM »

If you are in conflict you are being exposed for their scrutiny. If you are not in conflict, they have no idea what you are thinking. They dont trust not knowing and will assume the worse. They need the drama to open you up so they can take a peak and find out if you are thinking bad of them.

Its based in insecurity.

Things can't be just OK, they dont do just OK, it is an alien concept

You said it perfectly!
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StayOrLeave15
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« Reply #11 on: July 09, 2014, 02:37:43 PM »

Mine doesn't so much ask "What's wrong?" but will start acting strangely in order to make me ask her "What's wrong?".  She'll get cold and standoffish so I am forced to give her attention to make her feel better. 

If she is feeling especially feisty, she will bring up topics that she knows drive me nuts, in order to try and create conflict. 

The irony is, she consistently tells me that all she wants in stability, and that's all I want.  But without lots of therapy, I don't believe that pwBPD are capable of any kind of stability.
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« Reply #12 on: July 09, 2014, 02:49:42 PM »

Mine doesn't so much ask "What's wrong?" but will start acting strangely in order to make me ask her "What's wrong?".  She'll get cold and standoffish so I am forced to give her attention to make her feel better. 

If she is feeling especially feisty, she will bring up topics that she knows drive me nuts, in order to try and create conflict. 

The irony is, she consistently tells me that all she wants in stability, and that's all I want.  But without lots of therapy, I don't believe that pwBPD are capable of any kind of stability.

StayorLeave... .this is what mine does also.  He acts weird and ignores me until I have to ask what wrong and then I'm forced to listen to hours of him rant about situations he made up in his head about what could have or would have happened in the future if I didn't do something or did do something.  I'm also constantly being told how he just wants a normal life and he makes it out to be my fault why we can't have one when it's clearly him.

It's tiring.
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« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2014, 06:18:17 PM »

Mine doesn't so much ask "What's wrong?" but will start acting strangely in order to make me ask her "What's wrong?".  She'll get cold and standoffish so I am forced to give her attention to make her feel better. 

If she is feeling especially feisty, she will bring up topics that she knows drive me nuts, in order to try and create conflict. 

The irony is, she consistently tells me that all she wants in stability, and that's all I want.  But without lots of therapy, I don't believe that pwBPD are capable of any kind of stability.

StayorLeave... .this is what mine does also.  He acts weird and ignores me until I have to ask what wrong and then I'm forced to listen to hours of him rant about situations he made up in his head about what could have or would have happened in the future if I didn't do something or did do something.  I'm also constantly being told how he just wants a normal life and he makes it out to be my fault why we can't have one when it's clearly him.

It's tiring.

That is projecting the responsibility for creating drama onto you, so that "you started it by asking"
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ziniztar
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« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2014, 02:29:18 AM »

Hi guys,

Did you ever read "staying 101". It shows a nice picture of the way we/you are  (unconsciously) used as a regulation mechanism of their emotions. Very useful (also if you're not intending to stay )

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0

Waverider, tuesday my dBPDbf got really mad at me for not wanting sex after a fine night. I had good reasons not to want it (5 hours left on the clock before getting up, not feeling close to him, lots of stuff going on at work). Immediately he switched from fine to "what the hell is wrong with you, what did I do wrong now?"

I really snapped - it had been a rough two weeks already. I was awake for another hour, fighting with him. The next day he said that the lack of sleep really was my own fault because I was mad at him and didn't go to sleep. Partially, yes, but he really started the damn thing after a good night. I hate it when he doesn't take responsibility and puts it all on me... .   When I say sorry for not going to sleep / keep on fighting, he won't admit that is reaction was the reason I lost it.

Read the extract from the High Conflict Couple again on being the strong one when resisting a fight. Needed that again as I was losing motivation to not take the bait.
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waverider
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« Reply #15 on: July 10, 2014, 03:47:47 AM »

Read the extract from the High Conflict Couple again on being the strong one when resisting a fight. Needed that again as I was losing motivation to not take the bait.

Sounds easy in theory, but it is a long journey from understanding what you "should" do>remembering to do it>biting your tongue> not letting it get to you personally> to finally barely even noticing the jibe... .At least we get plenty of chances to practice 
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« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2014, 10:39:19 AM »

Read the extract from the High Conflict Couple again on being the strong one when resisting a fight. Needed that again as I was losing motivation to not take the bait.

Sounds easy in theory, but it is a long journey from understanding what you "should" do>remembering to do it>biting your tongue> not letting it get to you personally> to finally barely even noticing the jibe... .At least we get plenty of chances to practice 

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) no kidding! I have also read High Conflict Couple during a silent treatment. Helped a lot!

Last night she got upset and stormed off to sleep in the other room. I couldn't figure it out. She did apologize this morning and she didn't even know what it was about! I did my best to not let it bother me, but I still woke up at 3am and I couldn't shut my mind off. Sleep is my cornerstone of self-care. I wish I could figure out how to turn the noise off!

On the drama front she did the strangest thing this weekend. She deactivated her FB account and said it was because she was afraid her mom could see it. She claims she will never speak to her mom again and does not want her to know anything about her grandchildren. Although this was the same day her lesbian friend (that I'm insecure about) tagged her at 1am that morning to some weird song on her FB. I don't have FB so I didn't see it and her family that was visiting mentioned it. She seemed kind of weirded out when I asked her about it. So I don't know the real reason she deactivated it, but either way it seems like is shows she is getting better or trying to distance herself from her "friend". I've been doing my best not to analyze it... .I guess I just did  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2014, 11:11:34 AM »

Sleep is my cornerstone of self-care. I wish I could figure out how to turn the noise off!

Yeah I understand your battle! I wake up and get mad, sad, anxious or whatever negative feeling is approriate when I think of what happened the day before. In the High Conflict Couple the first lesson is to write down your triggers and then think of what you can say to yourself to not automatically react to it. What could you say to yourself" For the scenario I woke up, need more sleep, but my mind is spiralling like a maniac I've written down:

"Nothing good can ever happen after 2am in the morning (HIMYM reference for a little perspective Smiling (click to insert in post)). He is entitled to his emotions. I would get mad, feel unaccepted and unsafe with him if he would judge my emotions. Sleep is good (10 things I hate about you reference).

IT HELPS

Excerpt
I've been doing my best not to analyze it... .I guess I just did  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

It helps to focus on yourself, not her. Same events, different thoughts about it. Could you rewrite that same story but from your perspective? What did you think whens he claimed to never speak to her mom? So she is getting better at asstranging herself from her friend - how does that make you feel?
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« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2014, 04:40:36 PM »

I did my best to not let it bother me, but I still woke up at 3am and I couldn't shut my mind off. Sleep is my cornerstone of self-care. I wish I could figure out how to turn the noise off!

I went through a long period of being awake at night worrying about stuff I thought wasn't bothering me. Even used to take a few of her valiums to get some sleep. The bottom line is I was still at the trying to not let it bother m stage. I still wasn't at true acceptance and my mind was still busy focusing on trying to fix things. Now it rarely keeps me awake, because the acceptance is more complete. A bit like being kept awake by the weather forecast. Nothing you can do about it except get on with life. You can't force it, that inner calm will just evolve.

On the drama front she did the strangest thing this weekend. She deactivated her FB account and said it was because she was afraid her mom could see it. She claims she will never speak to her mom again and does not want her to know anything about her grandchildren. Although this was the same day her lesbian friend (that I'm insecure about) tagged her at 1am that morning to some weird song on her FB. I don't have FB so I didn't see it and her family that was visiting mentioned it. She seemed kind of weirded out when I asked her about it. So I don't know the real reason she deactivated it, but either way it seems like is shows she is getting better or trying to distance herself from her "friend". I've been doing my best not to analyze it... .I guess I just did  Smiling (click to insert in post)

You may be analysing it, but the tone of this paragraph is more accepting than fighting. It is more like being aware rather than paranoia or stressing about it. Accepting does not mean ignoring. Ingrained telling of white lies and cover ups is something that is hard to eliminate. Awareness of the possibility/probability is the best way to handle that
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« Reply #19 on: July 11, 2014, 03:52:50 AM »

A bit like being kept awake by the weather forecast. Nothing you can do about it except get on with life. You can't force it, that inner calm will just evolve.

That makes sense. I notice that I'm not accepting his behaviour when it hurts me. When I'm not getting what I want. I'm ok with him the way he is with all his coping mechanism etc - until his overload of work is hurting me because I only see him once a week. Or when he's getting mad at me for not wanting sex - not validating my needs, the fact that I am tired, the fact that I am attracted to him and still want him. I find it offensive. That's where I still can't accept that I'm settling down for this relationship. It takes me quite some energy to think about the good stuff, about the progress... and then I feel better, but still unsure if I'm making the right choice in believing in him.

Then again... acceptance is not about accepting it will stay like this forever, but that it is like this in the moment right? Yeah ok needed to get back to that point myself again... . to build on your analogy: accepting it's raining today doesn't mean I'm accepting it will be raining my entire life  
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« Reply #20 on: July 11, 2014, 06:11:07 AM »

Then again... acceptance is not about accepting it will stay like this forever, but that it is like this in the moment right? Yeah ok needed to get back to that point myself again... . to build on your analogy: accepting it's raining today doesn't mean I'm accepting it will be raining my entire life  

Correct, accepting what is now for now. work with what you can achieve now. Now is not forever, that is BPD thinking. The future is as yet unknown. Sow the seeds for the future but dont attempt to reap the crop until its good and ready. Otherwise you can end up wishing your life away
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« Reply #21 on: July 11, 2014, 04:19:44 PM »

Sleep is my cornerstone of self-care. I wish I could figure out how to turn the noise off!

Yeah I understand your battle! I wake up and get mad, sad, anxious or whatever negative feeling is approriate when I think of what happened the day before. In the High Conflict Couple the first lesson is to write down your triggers and then think of what you can say to yourself to not automatically react to it. What could you say to yourself" For the scenario I woke up, need more sleep, but my mind is spiralling like a maniac I've written down:

"Nothing good can ever happen after 2am in the morning (HIMYM reference for a little perspective Smiling (click to insert in post)). He is entitled to his emotions. I would get mad, feel unaccepted and unsafe with him if he would judge my emotions. Sleep is good (10 things I hate about you reference).

IT HELPS

Excerpt
I've been doing my best not to analyze it... .I guess I just did  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

It helps to focus on yourself, not her. Same events, different thoughts about it. Could you rewrite that same story but from your perspective? What did you think whens he claimed to never speak to her mom? So she is getting better at asstranging herself from her friend - how does that make you feel?

Thanks for the tip! Being cool (click to insert in post) I am going to try that out next time I wake up too early.

Everyday I have to keep reminding myself to focus on... .ME! Thank you for pointing that out. From my perspective I think I just have to take it for what it is and not put too much into it. I know my gf has a lot of issues with her BPD mother and I am happy she is protecting herself by distancing herself from her mom. She never mentioned her friend as a reason so I should not even spend my time thinking about it.
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« Reply #22 on: July 11, 2014, 04:48:42 PM »

I did my best to not let it bother me, but I still woke up at 3am and I couldn't shut my mind off. Sleep is my cornerstone of self-care. I wish I could figure out how to turn the noise off!

I went through a long period of being awake at night worrying about stuff I thought wasn't bothering me. Even used to take a few of her valiums to get some sleep. The bottom line is I was still at the trying to not let it bother m stage. I still wasn't at true acceptance and my mind was still busy focusing on trying to fix things. Now it rarely keeps me awake, because the acceptance is more complete. A bit like being kept awake by the weather forecast. Nothing you can do about it except get on with life. You can't force it, that inner calm will just evolve.

I'm getting there. I just wish it would evolve faster! At least this time I didn't drive myself crazy trying to analyze crazy. I was mostly just angry at her. Then I got angry at myself for getting angry about nothing. Then I started thinking about work and that was that. It's getting better. The harder I work on myself and taking care of my things the lower the noise is getting. I just have to keep chipping away... .

On the drama front she did the strangest thing this weekend. She deactivated her FB account and said it was because she was afraid her mom could see it. She claims she will never speak to her mom again and does not want her to know anything about her grandchildren. Although this was the same day her lesbian friend (that I'm insecure about) tagged her at 1am that morning to some weird song on her FB. I don't have FB so I didn't see it and her family that was visiting mentioned it. She seemed kind of weirded out when I asked her about it. So I don't know the real reason she deactivated it, but either way it seems like is shows she is getting better or trying to distance herself from her "friend". I've been doing my best not to analyze it... .I guess I just did  Smiling (click to insert in post)

You may be analysing it, but the tone of this paragraph is more accepting than fighting. It is more like being aware rather than paranoia or stressing about it. Accepting does not mean ignoring. Ingrained telling of white lies and cover ups is something that is hard to eliminate. Awareness of the possibility/probability is the best way to handle that

You are correct that I am not stressing about it. I accept that I cannot control the future and if she replaces me then so be it. What I can do is be the best bf, father, son, brother, manager possible and know that I will be ok if replaced. I know someone out there would appreciate the new me even if she didn't. It's an illness and I can't take it personally.
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« Reply #23 on: July 11, 2014, 08:35:08 PM »

No matter how far down the path you get there will always be times it gets to you. But you will get over more quickly. More like a flash of frustration rather than feeding a deep resentment.
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« Reply #24 on: July 11, 2014, 08:49:06 PM »

No matter how far down the path you get there will always be times it gets to you. But you will get over more quickly. More like a flash of frustration rather than feeding a deep resentment.

This is so true and where I feel it's important to take BPD out of the equation at times, knowing that frustration is going to be a part of any relationship.  So rather than blame it on BPD and get going down that route or train of thought... .stick to your own path along non-dramatic lane, i.e., by not making things worse.
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waverider
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« Reply #25 on: July 12, 2014, 01:54:26 AM »

No matter how far down the path you get there will always be times it gets to you. But you will get over more quickly. More like a flash of frustration rather than feeding a deep resentment.

This is so true and where I feel it's important to take BPD out of the equation at times, knowing that frustration is going to be a part of any relationship.  So rather than blame it on BPD and get going down that route or train of thought... .stick to your own path along non-dramatic lane, i.e., by not making things worse.

Quite right it is all too easy to bandwagon regular drama onto the back of BPD
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #26 on: July 12, 2014, 02:33:47 AM »

Well, in my case, I'm usually the one asking "is something wrong" or "are you mad", because he does get mad nearly every day, and some days it's actual rage. I live in fear of his anger and rages. I think he is addicted to the high he gets off being verbally abusive, cruel, and angry. Or maybe he just does it to release HIS stress? I don't know why, I just know he must be addicted to the drama, or he'd stop creating it. He can't seem to have a simple conversation either, everything seems to set him off.

He really would be much happier with my if I just sat there quietly, look pretty, and give him unlimited amounts of sex. Oh, and the most important thing he wants me to do is "suck it up, and kiss my kids' ass"... .his exact words. He has four grown kids, and only his son has been nice to me, the girls hate me and cause constant drama with this lies, and not even allowing me around their children.

I want to please uBPDh, but it's beginning to feel like I have to give up my personhood to do that. Even when I give him EXACTLY what he wants, he is still unhappy and telling me it wasn't good enough. Why bother if the outcome is always that?

I've tried steering clear of the drama, or avoiding him, and it works sometimes, but he tends to seek me out still. He is either seeking me out to be angry on, or he is so disconnected from me, it's like we are strangers. I hate BPD.
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