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Author Topic: Railroaded... again.  (Read 439 times)
Ceruleanblue
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« on: July 09, 2014, 01:13:03 AM »

Well, we just had our second horrendous  T session with uBPDh's daughter. It wasn't exactly what the T said would happen. She said there would be no rehashing of the past, yet this grown girl was allowed to keep going on and on about THE PAST, and things she is still mad about. She was haughty, and rude and clearly hostile. I called her out on being haughty, he husband defended her, and eventually uBPDh said he "didn't appreciate" her little snide comments to me(it was actually much more that her being snide). She spoke to me with such hatred, dripping sarcasm, and arrogance, that I really can't imagine ever liking this girl now.

She called all the shots in therapy pretty much. This meeting was supposed to be about how to go forward in our relationship, yet it was really all about her grievances, what SHE wants, and she still refuses to "let me be around her child". So she is still using her child as a pawn to hurt uBPDh. I didn't want to talk of the past at all(and had told T that), but this girl kept bringing it up and telling such lies, that I ended up defending myself, which is exactly what I didn't want to have to do. I didn't bring up all the hateful things she'd done to me! That was NOT the purpose of therapy. I only went to please uBPDh because he thinks this will help... .lololololol.

This girl, like her two sisters, is angry, clearly controlling and mean. She wants to "get to know me", and "then at some point, maybe I can be around her child again". What crap. I don't even want to give her the chance to get to know me, because I don't choose to have friends who would treat me like that. She has already shown me what she is capable of. She is arrogant, condescending, superior, and angry. To me, that makes her toxic.

She said she wasn't "so immature that she just thought this T session would be about her setting  boundaries, and airing past issues", BUT THAT WAS EXACTLY what happened. I didn't even want this to be about boundaries, but to her boundaries are about control. My husband and I didn't get to say much of anything, and if she'd wanted to talk boundaries, why didn't we get to address ours.

I feel like I'm now dealing with two BPD people. This girl used to be a cutter, and has so much anger towards me for no reason. She seems to have her husband convinced she is "right" about everything, while I live with her Dad who is uBPD, and he blames me for all this, is abusive to me, and I can't even talk to him. He expects me to keep putting myself in these bad situations for him, yet I can't even talk about how hurt I am, or how unfair this all feels.

I had a panic attack tonight, due to the T session today, and uBPDh didn't even care. He'd already gone off on my cussing at me, blaming me. Saying I was wrong to try to talk about the T session, because I was saying it didn't go as was represented to me, and how I'm hurt that the past kept getting brought up. He told me to shut up about it and actually blamed ME, for speaking of the past, yet I was only speaking of the T session!

I feel like I married a crazy person, and his kids are crazier yet. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep enduring all this. All I do is DO, DO, DO what HE wants, yet I get no compassion, gratefulness, or understanding from him. Putting up with his four adult kids, three of whom hate me, is just too much in addition to uBPDh. I left T feeling awful, and came home and then he was rude, mean, scathing, and hateful too. Why keep trying with this girl, just for my husband's sake if my husband doesn't even appreciate my effort, or what it is costing me?
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2014, 01:19:22 AM »

I just feel that I could live with this marriage if I got say 10% effort from uBPDh... .but I feel I get almost no effort from him, and certainly no accountability. He is so narcissistic. It's all about HIM, and what HE wants. My feelings in regards to all this hatefulness coming from his daughter, just doesn't seem to matter to him. Only his wants and needs matter.

I know why I take a lot of this off my husband, but I'm not feeling at all okay with taking this crap off his daughter. She has manipulated this whole situation, and I don't see it getting better. She is all talk, but her actions show she wants things to stay hostile. She keeps insisting we will "get to know each other", then we'll talk about all this trouble again. NO, NO, NO! I do not ever want to rehash it, because she just gets angry, blaming and mean. And what is so funny, is the incident she keeps referring to is one where SHE blew up on ME, and it got so ugly I had to leave me own home(we'd had them over for dinner). I'm scared to be around this girl, and she "wants to get to know me"?

How do I deal with that?
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waverider
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« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2014, 04:53:12 AM »

Why did you go to group therapy? Even couples therapy with a hostile pwBPD is often regarded as futile. adding a a whole family is just a recipe for railroading.

Why do you need to have his adult children as part of your life if they cant be respectful of you? I think you need to stop fighting with them and put a boundary up about interacting with them. They are not your responsibility
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2014, 08:46:33 AM »

What a horrific situation you have been experiencing! I am so very sorry that you are going through all of that! You don't need it, and you don't want it! Now that the therapy session turned out disastrously and now that your BPD is still acting like he is, you are worth more than 10%! You are worth 100%! Since she wishes to rehash the past and not to move on to improve the relationship with you, then, it is best to focus as well as you can on your BPD. As for your pent-up anger and frustration, it is best for you to release it somehow, whether that is via. exercising, journaling, and/or venting here.   
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sweetheart
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« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2014, 10:26:52 AM »

Hello Ceruleanblue,

ditto waverider post, the dynamics that you describe during the session sound uncontained and toxic. I can't tell you what to do but I would withdraw from these sessions and focus just on you in your marriage.

Take good care of yourself 
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2014, 02:03:07 PM »

I'm going back to this same therapist today(today is uBPDh's normal therapy day), and discuss how disappointed I am in the session yesterday. It was so very one sided, and my husband's daughter was allowed to treat me in clearly hostile, superior ways. She actually sat sideways at one point and covered her eyes so she wouldn't have to see me(she was seated across the table directly across from me). How childish, and rude. She doesn't want to move forward, she just wanted her pound of flesh, and she still wants to discuss this matter further, in the future? No way. She was clearly in the wrong, she blew up, she got angry, I had to leave my own home to escape, I'm willing to move past it, but I'm D-O-N-E taking all the blame.

I have been walking like crazy, because it gets my mind off most of this crap. None of this would have mattered to me so much, after all I know what these girls are like, if only my husband could empathize with me. Let me talk it over with him, after the session without his anger. I didn't want to go, I did twice, both times bad, and he can't even empathize? I should never have to be treated like that again. No one deserves that.

I can't walk or exercise enough to make all this feel better though. I hope it goes okay with the therapist. She is the one who started the session yesterday saying no one should leave feeling WORSE. My 80 year old mother also attended yesterday, and she said the therapist let it get out of hand, and never called "that girl" on her crap, and allowed her to be too hostile. It wasn't supposed to be like that, and the topics that were not supposed to come up, were all that were talked about.

I'm just so hurt and mad. I'd hoped this would be a resolution, and putting this all behind us, but now there is no way I want to be around this girl. She is just too toxic, and unpredictable.
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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2014, 03:13:38 PM »

Why did you go to group therapy? Even couples therapy with a hostile pwBPD is often regarded as futile. adding a a whole family is just a recipe for railroading.

Why do you need to have his adult children as part of your life if they cant be respectful of you? I think you need to stop fighting with them and put a boundary up about interacting with them. They are not your responsibility

Agreed!  I am still doing MC... .but we don't get into anything really controversial.  Any progress is baby steps.

If any... .

My uBPDw has been doing some individual work for a month or a bit more now.

And... .no surprise... .things are changing for the better.

Hang in there... .but I would not continue an unproductive counseling relationship where rules of behavior aren't followed.

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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2014, 09:29:56 PM »

Well, I went with uBPDh today to his normal T session, which is with the same therapist that conducted yesterday's mess. She pretty much defended why she kept letting my husband's daughter keep bringing up the hurtful incident, that we'd agreed in a prior session, would NOT be brought up. I feel I can't even trust this therapist now. She kept focusing only on the good, and not all the hot mess I had to endure, that still has me feeling bad. She did tell my uBPDh that his daughter did act "___ty", when he tried explain/excuse why his daughter acted that way when she supposedly asked for this meeting, and supposedly wanted to "get past it".

My husband pretty much told me in therapy that he doesn't love me, but he backpeddled, and another time he said some crappy thing too, and the T said "did you mean this?". I feel she covers for him. Let my husband explain what he really means, don't feed him the words.

And the clincher is my uBPDh told me he is "demanding" I do lunch and befriend his daughter, or he is done. I looked at the T and said "how can that be okay, that he just demands I do something?". She said she doesn't get into the "right or wrong" of things, and that it's about what works. Okay, husband pays her weekly, so she thinks it's okay he tells me his DEMANDS? Of course she said maybe he should call it a "dealbreaker" instead. Yeah, she said that.

I am not allowed to opt out of a relationship with any of his kids, although I'd love to. My husband won't accept that and he controls all. I've tried to set boundaries with them, but he gets angry. These "kids" are all grown. They have refused to see me at times, won't be around me, still won't let the grandbabies around me. Now, I have to befriend this girl, let her get to know me, and she said "maybe" then I can be around her baby. Like I give a rat's butt about her baby. Or her. But I have to do this, or husband will leave, and I do want my marriage. He is so dysfunctional, and so are they. It's like their reality is skewed, and how they treat people is really reprehensible. He is forcing me to befriend this girl who just treated me like garbage, and this is far from the first time. What am I supposed to do, fake it? I can't stand her now. I was willing to put the past in the past, but she was JUST terrible to me, yet again.

How in the world can uBPDH's T defend so much of what he does. He cusses me out in front of my kids in a humiliating way, even when they have friends over. It's embarrassing for me and them. It's just like she is condoning his abusive behaviors.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2014, 09:43:41 PM »

Cerleanblue, it is pretty well obvious that the T is taking sides and not being sensitive to you.

This is only a suggestion, but I think you need to get your own T. If your BPDh and your T disagree, well, let them. If the T is thus open to hear your side of the story in much more detail, fine.

You need support, understanding. Your current T is not being supportive and not being understanding.

I am just so very sorry you are going through all of that! Your T is supposed to build compromise, which your T is totally not doing, but only making you feel worse, and the situation is worse.
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formflier
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« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2014, 09:53:15 PM »

Cerleanblue, it is pretty well obvious that the T is taking sides and not being sensitive to you.

This is only a suggestion, but I think you need to get your own T. If your BPDh and your T disagree, well, let them. If the T is thus open to hear your side of the story in much more detail, fine.

You need support, understanding. Your current T is not being supportive and not being understanding.

I am just so very sorry you are going through all of that! Your T is supposed to build compromise, which your T is totally not doing, but only making you feel worse, and the situation is worse.

Remember... .this is his T.  Not yours.  I do agree the way it seems to have gone down is odd.

But... remember... .you don't know... what you don't know.  His T doesn't have to tell you any of that.  This may be... .in her judgement... .the best thing for him to be doing now.  That may be based on tons of things that you don't know.

So... many times on these boards you will see comments about couples therapy... .or joint therapy being a minefield when there is a PD of some kind involved.

Unfortunately it looks like you have gone to that minefield and stepped on several.

Hang in there.

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waverider
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« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2014, 12:44:09 AM »

Maybe you need to call his bluff on some of his demands.

You dont have to do anything anyone tells you to.

That is just bullying, pure and simple.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2014, 02:53:59 PM »

Samuel S:

I actually stopped going to "marriage therapy" with this same therapist because back then, I felt she was very understanding of me/my needs, but it was so hard for even her to get my uBPDh to compromise at all, and his anger issues actually escalated during that time, so I stopped going, and told her why. I've gone back a few times, but it now feels like she is pretty firmly entrenched in uBPDh's views.

The T session we just had that was my Step Daughter's idea, didn't go anything like the agreed upon "conditions" I'd talked about with the therapist. I'm upset about that. It seems that Step Daughter's desire to rehash the past, was more important to the therapist than how I told her it would make me feel, and the conditions we'd agreed upon beforehand. I feel duped. The therapist was not in my home when Step Daughter went crazy on me for no reason, SD is never going to be "sorry", and now wants to blame the incident on me, so I don't want to discuss it. No good comes of it, except more resentment.

MY T went on a leave, and I found another T, and she got offered another job. I feel like I'm having a run of crap luck. I need to find another T, but really, what are they going to say to me? I know this situation is toxic and really dysfunctional. I'll probably get looking for one though, because I need all the help I can get. I feel like I'm the only sane one(other than my own teen brats), and I'm tossed about on the current of my husband's dysfunction, and his kids' dysfunction.
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