Was cheated on, She still talks to the guy.

[dalemack123]

Hi, I wrote this on the introductory page and was reference to hear so I thought I would re-post

My (ex)girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me with another man from work, I discovered this after opening my laptop with her facebook signed in. After seeing one message with him saying "I love you" I end up reading the rest of her messages with him and that's how I found out. After confronting her she told me she only slept with him twice and I told her the only way we could even try and make it work was if she stopped talking to him. Naturally she agreed but that didn't last long, shortly after this (as in the same day) she stayed at his house and her excuse was "she didn't want to walk home at night". This frustrated me to no end, then to top it off she claimed that she never told me once that she'd cut contact off with him.

After me telling her repeatedly she had to choose one of us she told me she wanted neither because she didn't deserve any of us. In a few days I saw her getting in the car with this man and kissed him. Extremely angry I confronted her and her excuse was "It was on the cheek not the lips" and that I was overreacting and that same day she told me she thinks she's made a mistake and wants to change her mind. The next day I asked her what she meant and she told me she didn't want to talk about it... .

Once again on that same day she told me that was wanted to give us a chance but it couldn't start right off and we'd have to rebuild our trust first (Not sure why we have to built OUR trust back, I'm sure it should be her working to regain my trust).

We have recently had sex (Stupidly I gave in) but she still disappears to this guys house, for days at a time. She constantly tells me that he's just a good friend and she feels safe there. Also if we argue about this subject it always comes back to me and she tells me "You've got anger issues", or "You're overreacting, you have to trust me". Another common way for her to avoid the issue is to simply walk out the house or Claim everyone hates her and want nothing to do with her.

I'm currently not seeing a therapist but I have good friends that I talk to about these issues but they don't always fully understand the extent to these problems.

Anyway I know that's a lot for a first post but I hope you guy/gals can help me here.

Question #1: Should I stay with her and try and make this work?

2#: I want to help her, even if we aren't together, my sister suffers from BPD and I've seen it tear her apart, even resorting to attempted suicide. How would I go about doing this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[StayOrLeave15]

Most pwBPD have a hole deep down they are trying to fill.  Even if it is subconsciously, they do things to push people's buttons to get attention and feel cared about.  Your frustration and anger fills that hole, while it tortures you.  pwBPD are not bad people, they simply have an illness. 

Often when pwBPD get upset they behave like children, because they are not fully developed adults emotionally.  Walking out of the house or saying "Everyone hates me"  are good examples of that.  My BPDgf - likely soon to be BPDxgf - will throw temper tantrums, give silent treatments, and refuse to discuss anything that will make progress.  But again, they are not bad people; they simply don't have the emotional maturity. 

If I were you, I would walk away.  She is playing you with this other guy and you shouldn't put up with that.  She also isn't your responsibility to "fix".  I understand you care for her, but this probably isn't a situation that will end well.  Taking care of yourself is most important and seeing a therapist could help that.  Just my $.02 on the situation, good luck man. 

[formflier]

Hi, I wrote this on the introductory page and was reference to hear so I thought I would re-post

My (ex)girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me with another man from work, I discovered this after opening my laptop with her facebook signed in. After seeing one message with him saying "I love you" I end up reading the rest of her messages with him and that's how I found out. After confronting her she told me she only slept with him twice and I told her the only way we could even try and make it work was if she stopped talking to him. Naturally she agreed but that didn't last long, shortly after this (as in the same day) she stayed at his house and her excuse was "she didn't want to walk home at night". This frustrated me to no end, then to top it off she claimed that she never told me once that she'd cut contact off with him.

After me telling her repeatedly she had to choose one of us she told me she wanted neither because she didn't deserve any of us. In a few days I saw her getting in the car with this man and kissed him. Extremely angry I confronted her and her excuse was "It was on the cheek not the lips" and that I was overreacting and that same day she told me she thinks she's made a mistake and wants to change her mind. The next day I asked her what she meant and she told me she didn't want to talk about it... .

Once again on that same day she told me that was wanted to give us a chance but it couldn't start right off and we'd have to rebuild our trust first (Not sure why we have to built OUR trust back, I'm sure it should be her working to regain my trust).

We have recently had sex (Stupidly I gave in) but she still disappears to this guys house, for days at a time. She constantly tells me that he's just a good friend and she feels safe there. Also if we argue about this subject it always comes back to me and she tells me "You've got anger issues", or "You're overreacting, you have to trust me". Another common way for her to avoid the issue is to simply walk out the house or Claim everyone hates her and want nothing to do with her.

I'm currently not seeing a therapist but I have good friends that I talk to about these issues but they don't always fully understand the extent to these problems.

Anyway I know that's a lot for a first post but I hope you guy/gals can help me here.

Question #1: Should I stay with her and try and make this work?

2#: I want to help her, even if we aren't together, my sister suffers from BPD and I've seen it tear her apart, even resorting to attempted suicide. How would I go about doing this?

Focus first on yourself.  Some stuff going on here that these boards can help with... .but ultimately the right answer is to find a T and work through this.

[rj47]

"Fool me once... .shame on you"

What makes you think the pattern for a future with her will change? The bad behavior and constant lies are two sides of the same coin that are integral part of the PD. If she can brazenly flaunt her infidelity in front of you with hardly a care brushing your concerns off her like dust what are you expecting to be different in the future? Is she going to rationalize her bad behavior and change? Do you think she's going to realize you're the better man? Maybe... .until a better version comes along.

But, you won't likely walk. Trust me, I've been there. Tell her "NO CONTACT" with him or any other guy you mistrust out of respect for you. If she goes for it pay close attention and do not trust. Time to be a detective, check for the signs, track down every lead and verify her fidelity to you. Its likely to be a life altering and painful experience flooding you with more despair... .but what a way to build a healthy relationship. Everyone's normal is what ever it is. Good luck.

[HopefulDad]

Disorder or no disorder, getting cheated on is such a huge deal in any relationship.  At a minimum, contact with the "other man" has to end before one can even think of salvaging the relationship.

If she's not willing to do that, or her disorder prevents her from seeing this needs to be done, I just think that's a deal-breaker.  I think everyone on this "Staying" board is making allowances for their pwBPD that perhaps they would not make with anyone else.  But I don't think those allowances should be limitless.  This one is a biggie that I just can't see any allowance being made.

[bobcat2014]

Disorder or no disorder, getting cheated on is such a huge deal in any relationship.  At a minimum, contact with the "other man" has to end before one can even think of salvaging the relationship.

If she's not willing to do that, or her disorder prevents her from seeing this needs to be done, I just think that's a deal-breaker.  I think everyone on this "Staying" board is making allowances for their pwBPD that perhaps they would not make with anyone else.  But I don't think those allowances should be limitless.  This one is a biggie that I just can't see any allowance being made.

Pay him a visit. Tell him nicely to leave her alone or things could happen. I cannot stress enough how important martial arts and fitness is when you are married to a BPD. If she matters to you set the boundary now, both with her and him. If he knows she is in a r/s and still waving her on he needs spoken to. This will cure his interest in a hurry.

[dalemack123]

Thank you all for your advice. I told her if she doesn't cut off all contact with him we can be together. She was quick to make it my fault but I stuck to my guns and didn't let it make me feel bad. She is giving me the silent treatment, but I've already cut contact from her.

Unless the next thing I get from her is an apology and proof she's cut contact off with him I'm officially single now.

[bobcat2014]

Dale,

This is tough... .and I was in the exact situation. Remember you are dealing with a three year old in a adults body. Another thing I advise. Be prepared for this to happen again. There was 9 years between my uBPDw affairs. This was before I knew of BPD. The cycle repeats unfortunately. These folks are wired differently and have no issues cheating in order to cope with core trauma. Hand in there.