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Author Topic: My BPD partner committed suicide  (Read 1468 times)
Julie96
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« on: July 09, 2014, 08:25:51 AM »

My partner of 19 years had BPD (we were married, divorced and had got back together 4 years ago) we have a daughter who's 10. All seemed great,brilliant fun at weekends when we'd all spend time together as since divorce me and my daughter lived an hour away as I was main carer for my aged parents. In the past 4 years all was better than ever before, he regretted leaving us and couldn't do enough to make up for it. We were the happiest we've ever been. However 2 months ago I found out my sister has stage 4 cancer, so I spent the next day saturday at his house looking online for uplifting information to give her as she was losing hope. My partner seemed upset that I wasn't spending time with him and my daughter that day. On the Sunday all was great between us, but on the Monday I had to return to care for my parents and he offered to look after our daughter for the day. She didn't want to spend the day with him as he was doing 'boring domestic stuff' not fun and games as he'd usually do at weekends. He got upset and said if she didn't want to spend the day with him maybe he don't want to be with her anymore. I innocently said 'Grow up, she's only 10, she's just a child' He said I always look after my parents and now I'll be worrying about my sister and at weekends he looks after me but who's there to look after him. He looked like a little hurt boy and I said if he was ill I'd do what ever it took to get him better and that I loved him. He sent two e.mails saying he was fine later that week and not to worry about him and he'd be more supportive as we were everything to him. I thought then everything was fine again, but when I didn't reply straight back to his second message he sent a harsh message which I didn't understand the meaning of and when I asked him what he meant he said 'Have a great life without me" and he then committed suicide. I had no idea he was in depression until the last 10 minutes. I couldn't get to him in time as I lived too far away, I tried. I found out that last weekend which he said he'd be working that he was actually home and drank for 4 days. I know his mood changed for the worse after drink. But at the time he'd sent the last message I had no idea, otherwise I'd have done everything in my power to save him as I absolutely love him and I never would have left him. I know he must have felt that we were unavailable to him then, but I cannot help blame myself in a way for leaving him out, but sadly due to being overwhelmed by his death I was unable to care for my parents and last week my Mum died (on my birthday) due to carers not looking after her well enough and she died from an avoidable infection. So I've had to deal with two deaths and it's so difficult. I feel to blame in a way for my partners death as I wish I'd have contacted him sooner so he didn't feel like i'd left him out from being too busy looking after my parents or my sister.
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« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2014, 08:51:15 AM »

Julie

I am so sorry for both your losses. Words fail me and I cannot imagine what you are going through right now.

You must not blame yourself for your ex though. He was sick and there was nothing you could have done about it. With hind sight we can all see what we think we should have done. In your situation you where doing the right thing. You could not tell what he was thinking.

Im sorry I am never any good at these things and I hope that I haven't said anything to upset you.

My thoughts are with you.
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« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2014, 09:22:57 AM »

Oh Julie, I am heartbroken to read your post.   I wish I had better words of comfort for you, but I just wanted to also tell you to not blame yourself for your husband's or your mother's death.  Both were out of your control.  This disorder is so hard-wired that it is untouchable by reason.  You can live with no regrets.  You loved him.  If your story is like many of ours, you went far and beyond to try to understand and deal with his illness as best as you could.  The fact that you went back to him speaks volumes of the dedication and loyalty you had for him and your family.  I am heartbroken for you. 

You post touched me in a deep place because I live in constant fear that one of these days I will find out that my ex-husband has finally had a successful suicide (he's had several attempts, both during the 40 years we were married and since our divorce a year and a half ago).   

These coming days will be so hard.  Just please remember to take care of yourself as best as you can.  I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

((HUGS))
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« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2014, 10:05:19 AM »

Julie,

I am so, so sorry for your losses.  What happened was not your fault.  We are not that powerful; we are responsible for and can control no one but ourselves (and even that is sometimes so very difficult.) 

Please be gentle with yourself.  Surround yourself with little things that bring you joy.  Baby steps. 

Again, I am so sorry.  I will be thinking of you.
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« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2014, 10:12:06 AM »

I am so, so sorry.  

In grief, especially grief involving suicide, there is always an underlying guilt.

I should have said more.

I should have done more.

I should have known.

As much as it normal to feel this way and as much as you probably know that we don't really have that much control over someone else's actions, it's such a tough emotion to deal with when coping with this kind of loss. It's hard to come to grips with "I did the best I could". I've been there and it's a tough place to be.

Please know that we are here for you and that we understand. I think that like others have mentioned, understanding this disorder can really help you make sense of all that has happened. Time will help you heal in this.

Please let us know that you're doing OK. How is your little one holding up?

Welcome to our family.  

~DG
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« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2014, 10:20:51 AM »

This must be so terribly painful, for you and your child.  What kind of support do you have during this very hard time?  

Let us know how we can support you.  

A dear friend of mine, who may have been BPD but also diagnosed as bipolar committed suicide 3 years ago, and I supported her partner through his loss. He had just broken up with her in a loving way before her death.  He had the most amazing desire not to feel sad for her, but to really support her in her choice.  He said her life was terribly painful, and that she had spoken to him a year before about this, saying "If it is not better in one year, I am leaving this life."  He felt very sad and knew in his case that her choice was related to his choice, but said that the only way he had been able to be there for 10 years given her emotional instability was to really trust his choices and boundaries, and to really be open to her choices and responses as her own best effort in her own life.  So he really embraced that this was her doing her very best to cope with a serious mental illness.  

I do not know if this is at all useful to you, and please forgive me if it is not and just chuck this out!  But I know that perspective was really useful to him, and allowed him to be present to his own grief while accepting her choice.  
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« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2014, 03:47:49 PM »

Julie, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses, both your partner and your mom... .This is a difficult time... .Please take care of yourself and your daughter. I don't think I have any helpful advice or words, just hugs to you. Hang in there. 
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Julie96
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« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2014, 05:59:10 PM »

Hello, thank you to all of you who have taken the time to post a message to me.  It means a lot to read them.  I went to one group meeting a month ago after my partner killed himself for people left behind by suicide, but it wasn't helpful for me as I could tell by others stories that the people they had lost didn't have BPD.  So I searched online last night to find a forum exactly like this site and I'm glad I found you all.  When my husband/partner left me and my little girl just after she was born I read so much about BPD and it was him totally.  I did tell him about it in a long letter I wrote before he went ahead to get a divorce.  We didn't speak for 5 years after even though the split was civilised in regards to him seeing our daughter each second weekend.  So when we became friends again after 5 years I was strong again and had got my self esteem back after such a tumultuous relationship with him in the past.  Where as he was the opposite, he realised all his mistakes and admitted everything you'd ever wish an ex to regret.  He made up for everything a thousand times over and so I never had a need to mention BPD to him as he was getting himself together and when he wanted to get back with us I said he needed to see a hypnotherapist /psychologist to understand more about why he did/thought the way he did.  He went and completely turned his life around.  That was 3 years ago.  So that's why it was such a shock that last weekend I saw him when he acted like a little boy when I was busy with trying to help my sister and then having to help my Mum.  It's shocking as well as his Mum was flying over from abroad the day after he committed suicide and he gave me the flight details in his last goodbye e.mail and said to say goodbye and sorry to her.  She doted on him and we were going on vacation a week later for her birthday at that time.  She is angry at him.  My daughter is now angry at him, but I feel sorry for him and I forgive him as I love him.  I wish he had reached out for help, or at least made it a bit more obvious to me that he needed help as I just didn't see it at that time. He had so much to live for.  He usually was so honest with me whether I liked it or not, but that last weekend he drank and he told me he was working, so I was unaware of that.  I am lucky in the fact that I have my family around at the moment - but that's mainly because my Mum just died and was buried two days ago, so it will get quiet again and then it will be hard to deal with.  I have to finalise all my partners affairs and bank stuff and sell his things so that's going to be hard, but it's got to be done.  Sorry to make this so long, but I thought I'd answer the questions all in one go. X

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« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2014, 07:42:30 PM »

Hello Julie96. This is tragic. It is hardly fair on you. I worry about these things with my own BPDgf. You come across as a strong person. Go easy on yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2014, 08:37:45 PM »

I am so sorry for your losses, Julie... . 

We will be here for you when your family leaves and things will get quiet again. Please feel welcome to keep coming back and sharing whatever you feel comfortable with as you go through the days.

I think that the unexpected losses that don't really make sense are the hardest. At least that's how it was for our close friend who lost his son to a car accident, and was left to wonder whether it was an actual accident or a suicide, as the circumstances were suspicious.

Do you and your daughter have close friends that can be supportive through this time?
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« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2014, 12:02:29 AM »

Julie, I am sorry that you are enduring the senseless loss of your ex husband, and even more importantly, your daughter's father and your friend. It must have felt wonderful to get his sincere regrets for his behaviors in your marriage, and now your friend pulled himself away. So much pain... .for him, but also for you, your daughter, and his loved ones. The core abandonment wound of a pwBPD is so powerful, and seeks to control everything, almost like it has a mind of its own, a will that cannot be controlled... .

Your forgiveness of him is   Your daughter is angry with him, and that is understanable. Hopefully, she will get to a point to which she can follow your example, but your young daughter's mind is still developing. She's not processing it in the same way you can. It's ok for her to be angry. Validate that it is ok for her to feel that way, and protect her from those who may invalidate her, especially the ones who may project their own pain (such as his mother, if I were to guess).

You are a very strong woman, Julie. Keep leaning into that for you, and your little angel. My therapist told me recently,."sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak," to which I would add "and vulnerable." You are The Rock. The Momma Bear. At the same time, don't forget to validate your own feelings as well, no matter what they are. We will be here for you in any way we can.

Take Care,

Turkish

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« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2014, 08:51:20 AM »

Julie, I'm so so sorry.  :'(

So much tragedy in such a short period of time. The father of your child, your mom, that's a lot of loss in a year, much less the short time span you're experiencing all this. And your sister's cancer too. You must be awash in feelings. Do you have access to a grief counselor?

I'm glad you were able to spend some years with him after he sought help, to see the side of him that could be fun, and that he could understand that his brain and emotions worked in different ways.

We're here for you   people here really do understand. 

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« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2014, 12:46:31 PM »

Julie,

I'd like to join the other members and express my sorrow for your losses.  My heart goes out to you and your family. Please keep reaching out for support, in real life and online, it's so important.

I'm so glad you found this forum.  We are here for you, and we care. 

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« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2014, 12:53:37 PM »

Julie

I am so sorry for your losses. I don't even have the words to express how sorry I am. Please know that this was all out of your control. Life is unpredictable and at times it makes no sense. Do not blame yourself. My heart goes out to you. Know that you are a strong and amazing woman. I am so sorry.
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« Reply #14 on: July 11, 2014, 08:42:43 PM »

I just wanted to add my welcome and condolences.

It sounds like you have been pouring yourself into caring for others for a long time. It will be important now to remember to take care of yourself and allow others to help take care of you, too.

I am sorry you have so much grief to deal with at the same time. As others have said, it is normal to have feelings of guilt at times like this. It is also true that you are not to blame for your husband's death or your mother's. Those were beyond your control.

We are here for you. I'm glad you have joined us.

Wishing you peace,

PF
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« Reply #15 on: July 12, 2014, 02:03:59 PM »

Hi Julie,

You sound like a remarkable woman who did everything possible in an impossible situation. Your courage and decency are inspirational

You deserve all of our support.

Please remember that though you may feel it you are never alone. We are all thinking of you and sending you our love and strength

And as the other posters have said please keep posting

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« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2014, 02:27:57 PM »

Hi Julie96,

this loss after 2 decades must feel devastating. 

BPD is a deadly condition where mental state can turn on a dime and where impulsive behavior can kick in with devastating consequences. There are limits what one can do and often the condition of our loved ones leaves us feeling helpless. It is tempting to think what if but this was out of your control.

My thoughts are with you,

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« Reply #17 on: July 13, 2014, 04:09:58 AM »

Julie

I am so sorry for what you have been through, and I am unsure there are words that can help fill the void created by the loss of two dear loved ones.

What we can do is support you and try to emphasize that when we love someone wBPD, life is unpredictable, and, sadly, we live in fear.  Suicide is all about them, and there is no rationalizing or understanding the emotional upheavals pwBPD suffer. We worry when they are in chaos, and we worry when things seem to be going too well. What remains consistent with BPD is that there is no consistency.

You are not to blame for your ex's death. He may have been struggling with something he did not share with you, and it may have had nothing to do with you. We tend to blame ourselves for the actions of others when, in fact, we have no power to change those actions. We seek answers, and there are none.

Many here have lost loved ones to this cruel disorder. We share share your grief, and you and your daughter are in our thoughts and prayers. Please take care of each other and keep us posted on how you are doing.  We care and want to help.

God bless you and yours.  

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« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2014, 09:29:48 AM »

I am so very sorry for your losses.

We don't have the ability to change other people.  Only ourselves.  We also aren't all knowing and can't predict others actions.  Could have/would have/should have have no bearing on anything that happened.  Hindsight can be a wonderful or damning thing.

You sound like a remarkably kind and loving daughter/partner/mom/woman in general.  Please be kind to yourself, as you obviously have the capacity to be kind and loving to others.  Sometimes we forget to do that for ourselves.

 
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« Reply #19 on: July 13, 2014, 12:37:58 PM »

So sorry to read about your losses.

You have found a good place, for healing, comfort, a better understanding of what happened... We are never responsible for someone's death. Even if you would have been there in time, if he really wanted to die, he would have found another way. It's not your fault, it's not, it's not, it's not.
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« Reply #20 on: July 13, 2014, 12:38:49 PM »

  Julie

It's so sad.  Can't even imagine what you're going through, you sound so strong though and that will do wonders for pulling you through this devastation.

Shew...  We are here for you whenever you need us   Take full advantage of your support systems.

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« Reply #21 on: July 13, 2014, 06:02:45 PM »

im so sorry you're undergoing such an awful time, try to understand that it wasnt your fault,i know its very hard but you love him and you did not know.a lot of things in life are not in our control please dont blame yourself,you were there for him and im very sure he knew that,he was depressed.im sorry if im upsetting you.but im confident your partner was an amazing man and you loved each other very much,do take care of yourself in this very hard time,my heart goes out to you.stay strong julie and ask for help and whenever you want.
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Julie96
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« Reply #22 on: July 13, 2014, 08:41:13 PM »

I want to say thank you to every single one of you who replied to my post and all the support you have given me in such a short time.  

I want to quote something 'Turkish' said in a message "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak," because as I was reading all your messages it seems to me that all of you are such strong kindhearted people too who care deeply for others which maybe explains why we in particular have spent so long in relationships with people with BPD because we so want to understand why they act the way they do (or did) and help them.  If we didn't care so deeply we'd have not taken the time to find out what we have about them on sites like this or other forms of looking into the cause of their behaviour.  G my partner would have tattoos all over his arms and chest and say it was his 'ugliness on the outside' to warn people away from him (he also had a tattoo which said ':)emons within' which shows how he felt about himself) he'd ask many times over the years why I was with him and I'd say because I could see the beautiful person he was deep inside and when he loved and believed in that person the way I did then he'd be free of torment and happy.  

I did think I would get a very long time to make him realise this, but he 'danced with the devil' in a way and drank for those few days which sent him to a place he didn't want to escape from.  Aa our 10 year old (and very wise) daughter said after I explained about him drinking and committing suicide she thought about it and said "It was like Daddy had this elevator in his head and when he drank it went down and down faster, there were all these floors he could have got off at but he went down quicker because of the drinking and then it got so dark he couldn't see the buttons to get back up so he just went down to the bottom"  I swear these were her words, she said this the night I told her so she didn't hear anything like this from anyone.  

She is angry though because she doesn't understand how he wrote such a sensible suicide e.mail to me if he was drunk, but I read on a BPD site for psychologists that depression can occur from 6 - 72 hours after drinking or taking drugs.  It said they cannot associate a couple of wines on a Friday night as to why they get depressed on Sunday.  I know G had large amounts to drink over Easter weekend, so I understand more now as to why he was able to write that e.mail to me.

I don't mean to take up so much of your reading time, but if there's anything from my tragedy with G to come out of this which I can pass on to you in the hope you avoid your pwBPD doing the same it would be if they text you and ask for advice or help, don't brush it off and simply reply back soon and don't leave it a day like I did.  I assumed he was working so didn't reply until the next day as I was busy, where as he must have just been waiting for my reply all day which triggered off his abandonment issues and his demons took over and he thought he was a burden on me.  He said in his last e.mail that he was sorry he was a loser and had let us down but we were both better off without him.  He couldn't have been further from the truth, he was everything to us.  He was a beautiful soul who tragically wasn't able to fill the void inside him left behind by his Dad leaving when he was young and vulnerable child.

This is a very long follow up post, you all need to go make a cup of tea now.  Thank you again for caring.  

 
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« Reply #23 on: July 13, 2014, 09:27:04 PM »

Oh my. Julie, that is truly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I pray for peace of mind, body, and spirit for you and yours.
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« Reply #24 on: July 14, 2014, 09:12:36 AM »

Thank you so much for sharing your grief and love for us.  I agree that the people here are a particularly wise and caring sort.  It is a gift to be patient and loving in a way that allows someone very troubled to show their most beautiful self.  How precious that you were able to see your partner clearly, through all of the barriers. 

I think the other part of that gift is that you open your heart to the terrible pain of that person, taking on some of it with them.  So here you are with your open heart, experiencing that pain.  I am so sorry, but also so grateful that there are people who love in the way you do in the world. 
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« Reply #25 on: July 14, 2014, 09:29:19 AM »

I am so so sorry to hear of your loss.

Tis the nature of this disorder.

I am in a similar situation with my s.o.  I have a D23 with epilepsy that has worsened considerably and that takes my attention, she had a seizure and fell down a flight of stairs and injured herself last month, needed surgery …and I also have an aging mother whose needs I have to tend to also.  That and I work full time.  

My s.o. slipped into a depression last two weeks…when my attention is drawn to others this often happens and it really worries me.  I emailed his therapist to alert her (only b/c he has one and I was aware he slipped into a very dark place) but there is very little I can really do.

There is only so much you or I or anyone can do.  If someone slips into a depression and drinks or makes an impulsive decision to end it b/c of pain…there really is nothing you can do especially if you don't know he dipped that fast. I am so sorry.  We have very little control over this disorder, and that is a fact. 

It speaks to the very sad nature of this disorder.  YOu did nothing wrong.  There is only so much loved ones can do…we all have others who also need our time and attention.  It is sad that someone can feel that abandoned and depressed just because we are tending to others who need care, also, but it is very common... and alas…it is the nature of the disorder, nothing more, nothing less.

I am so sorry.

I hate this disorder. I hate epilepsy, too.   :'(
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« Reply #26 on: July 14, 2014, 12:28:58 PM »

Gosh, I know how bad you must feel, and how bad your daughter especially must feel... .but a normal partner would have supported everything you did.  Your last response to him sounded very positive a supportive and reassuring, more than many of us could have done in that situation.  It's amazing you didn't blow up more times and could keep your cool.  You probably put 1,000 percent into caring about him to the extent you could, with caring about everyone else at the same time! 

As you know, if it wasn't that weekend, it could have been something else - maybe he would have done it in front of your daughter.  Honestly, it seems like you were the best partner you could be.  Plus, you took him back.  It is a shame he had this illness. 

Obviously he cared and wanted to be a better person, but you can't cure his depression.  I am sure that, like with many of our BPD partners, he had a really great side and was doing his best.

I hope you and your daughter can try not to feel guilty, although certainly the grief must be immense.  I am sorry this happened.
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momtara
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #27 on: July 14, 2014, 12:31:33 PM »

Wow, your writing about G and his explanations about his tattoos is really beautiful.  You are a good person.  I can tell he tried, too.  I am sorry for your loss.  It's not your fault; you sound like a very kind person.

And I was deeply moved by what you said here.  I think we can all take away something from this:

"it seems to me that all of you are such strong kindhearted people too who care deeply for others which maybe explains why we in particular have spent so long in relationships with people with BPD because we so want to understand why they act the way they do (or did) and help them.  If we didn't care so deeply we'd have not taken the time to find out what we have about them on sites like this"

Maybe some of us are codependent too    But we are good people.
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HopefulDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
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« Reply #28 on: July 14, 2014, 06:25:54 PM »

My deepest condolences to you and your family.  It's not your fault.  I know you know that, but I can imagine how hard that must be to truly believe.  If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way despite others telling me it's not my fault.  I think it's natural to believe we have some level of control over things we really don't.
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thicker skin
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« Reply #29 on: July 15, 2014, 05:57:34 AM »

Gosh Julie,

I echo the sentiments of other members here and diff my proverbial cap to your strength and kind heart.

I haven't suffered loss through suicide, but lost a cluster of close relatives, through accident and illness ... .Grief has no on off switch and I had days when I truly didn't know who or what I was grieving for, or how to juggle it all. I suspect that for now, you've little choice other than to keep soldiering on for your sister and daughter. I was afraid to stop being strong... .So many people needed me and I didn't know if I'd ever get up again if I gave in to the grief.

I'd encourage you to get some grief counselling. I regret not doing it and coming through 'alone'. If I'd have gone, I'd have known how normal I was instead of spending years chasing my tail, searching for answers and hurting. When you no longer have to be strong, hold it all together and circumstances allow you to switch off a bit, you might find it hits you like a train.

Don't forget to look after you.

Wishing you peace, love and strength 
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