My BPD partner committed suicide

[Julie96]

Thank you everyone who's continued replying to my post.  It would have been nicer if I'd have put all your names here as your messages and support have been so kind and what I need right now, genuinely though I do appreciate every message you have sent. 

The last day I saw G I did text him saying 'I need your support more than ever now, I don't want us to fall out X' as I'd never asked that before, but when I picked our daughter up from him that afternoon he was in a down mood and clearly my text didn't change his mood for the better. He did say after I told him that 'I'd do whatever I could to get him well if he was ill' he said he needed some time'.  I was shaken up at that time about my sister's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer and I was confused about my feelings for G as it was unfair that he was asking 'who's there to look after me' when he was aware that I was looking after my parents, our daughter and looking out for my sister.  I am not the kind who will just lash out words in anger, I was always aware that he was emotionally unstable so unless I had something productive to say to him to help I'd not say just anything as he would have taken it so personally.  So that's why when he e.mailed me a couple of days later telling me we were everything to him and he loved us and not to worry - I didn't respond.  I was happy that he'd said what he did, but didn't think I needed to say "yep that's Ok then' as I was still kind of confused as he hadn't had a down mood for almost all the time we'd got back together.  I knew expressing my feelings over the phone wouldn't help and thought that I'd just talk to him about how I felt when we were away on vacation a week later when the time was right.  Besides we were never a couple who needed to call or message each other every day.

Then the day before he committed suicide he sent me a message saying how much he loved me and he 'step one' he's going to give up drinking and did I have any ideas for step two.  I was rushing out the house at that time and quickly replied that I'd get back to him later when I had time to send a proper message.  However I got so busy with family and then babysitting until late that I didn't have time to think about what good advice I should give him and also it was too late to send him a message as he'd get up for work at 4am so I knew he'd be sleeping.  Next morning I sent a message saying glad he's given up drinking and

I'd think about step two when I had time to myself.  I then asked if he wanted me to come along on vacation a few days later with him, his Mother and our daughter (as he had said that last time I'd seen him that he needed some time) looking back at it now I knew he wanted me to come along I guess I was just looking for reassurance that he wanted me to come along.  I said the three of them could go if he wanted and I would be fine with that, as I wanted him to feel free to do what he wanted.  It was half hour after I sent this message that he went out and bought the rope to hang himself (as I found the receipt on his kitchen table when I went to clean up his apartment).  He only replied 2 hours and 20 minutes later (after buying alcohol as well) - at this time I was still completely unaware he was in a bad mood as the last two messages I'd received were 'I'm fine, I love you' kind of messages.  But this one I then received said "it sounds like you just want me to take our daughter of your hands for a week and she wouldn't like that"  This completely threw me as I replied quite frankly to him and I never said outright what I meant, I'd always be careful.  I said that he was turning it all around and I thought he said he'd be more supportive and it's not 'taking our daughter off of my hands' it's called 'being a parent'.  I then said I still thought I was going on vacation with them until that last message of his.  I put that as I wanted him to see that I was still hoping and believing everything was going to be fine and we'd still go away on vacation together.  This is when he replied 'all my messages have been about how I love you, don't worry, you keep doing what you're doing and everything else will work itself out.  I asked what he meant and that's when he replied "goodbye that's what it means!"  He then sent a Goodbye e.mail almost the next minute to me (which means he must have typed it out previously as it would have taken more than one minute to type what he did) and then I called the police but they didn't get to him in time (even though they were 3 minutes down the same road!).

I do know it was him who decided to end his life, but I know that if I had replied sooner, or not fished for him to say 'yes of course I want you to come on vacation with us' and had said something nicer he'd have not ended his life at that time and he'd still be here with me.  All these years I've always had this fear about him ending his life, but never in my wildest dreams did I ever believe it would happen.  Sounds contradictory I know but does that make sense, especially to all of you who must understand that feeling a little.

Once again all of your messages are so comforting to me, thank you so much for all who replied before.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[refusetosuccumb]

     

Survivors of suicide carry a lot of guilt.  I'm so very sorry you still feel somehow guilty with the "would have" or "should have"  Have you thought that there is still a chance that he would have taken his own life even if you'd done everything you could?

My ex tried to kill himself twice, both this past March.  The first time I wasn't all that kind about things becuase he'd threaten to do it before.  He tried to OD on his sleeping pills.  Then he verbalized it again a week later.  I stayed up all night with him (I had to work the next day) and talked him down.  He waited till I left for work and dropped the kids elsewhere before he tried again.  The first time he was angry with me.  The second time he didn't believe I really wanted him to live.  He ultimately survived but it torched my soul to know that this was out of my hands.  I can't worry about him.  I can only worry about me and the kids.

At least he's no longer in pain, right?  I pray that one day you find peace with yourself that you did nothing wrong and he had all the power in his own hands.  He made a choice.  You are the one left living with it.

     

[MammaMia]

Julie

I am so sorry for your loss, but you need to understand the responsibility for his action is his, not yours. Those of us who love someone with BPD must try to prepare ourselves for all outcomes, including suicide. While no one wants to go there, we have to accept it is a real possibility with this mental illness.

When we are caregivers, we tend to blame ourselves when bad things happen, but there is NO way to control everything in life. Please stop blaming yourself and focus on healing and moving forward for the sake of your daughter and yourself.  

If you have not already, please consider joining a grief support group.  Perhaps one that focuses on survivors of suicide.  There is comfort in relating to others in your situation one-on-one, and you can help each other to get through this.  Healing takes time.

Guilt can destroy us, and the past can be a very dark place where we should not dwell.  Please take care of yourself and your little one.

[Reforming]

Hi Julie,

When we lose someone, especially in such a shocking and unexpected way I think it is completely natural to scrutinise and review every moment, every interaction to try and see if there was anything we could have done differently.

But can you put his choice down to one moment? One text or phone call?

Where would you stop?

His disorder began when he was a small child years before you met him. You didn't cause it and it sounds like you did everything humanly possible to help him heal.

I'm sure it's little consolation but it sounds like both of you were remarkably brave and my heart reaches out to you

Reforming

[Skip]

Hi,

Just checking in.

What are you feeling these days?

I know when I went through this the "its not your fault" advice really didn't address the great sense of loss that I felt. 

How is it for you right now?

Skip

[Julie96]

It's been 5 months since G committed suicide, the pain is the same as it was just weeks after it happened.  Me and our daughter went to England for my niece's wedding which although was a wonderful day it took every bit of strength I could muster to stay 'happy' in front of everyone that whole day when all I wanted to do was cry my heart out as G should have been there with us, I didn't want to cast a shadow over everyone else enjoying a happy event.  From behind the groom looked like my partner G as well so it was a particularly difficult day for me to get through.  The next week we went to a memorial service for G with lots of his friends.  It was bittersweet, I found out one of G's closest friends was finally getting married and instantly without thinking I was like "Wow can't wait to go back and tell G" and then reality would hit and I'd feel so down.  I saw his brother too for a weekend, his family were unaware G had BPD.  I did find out that G's Dad left when he was just 5 years old (G couldn't remember hardly any of his childhood, he'd blocked it out) his sister in law said his brother was 12 when their Dad left and at 12 he'd be out of the house a lot and he'd leave G and their sister at home while their parents argued all the time. 

Our daughter is doing Ok thanks to those who asked.  However she doesn't want to see this psychologist any longer - she saw her 5 times and they seemed to get on well.  Originally she was booked in for the first appointment before G died to see the psychologist about 'learning to cope with me and her Dad back together permanently and moving in together' as she wasn't happy with the whole dynamics of the home life changing where she had to share our attention and she'd get angry about her Dad.  However when we were away for the wedding I asked her if she was finally going to talk to the psychologist about her Dad dying as she'd avoid talking about him all the time at her sessions.  She said clearly and to the point "Why should I talk about Dad?  It's like going into class in school in the morning with a maths sheet you've had to work on and the teacher says "we no longer need that maths sheet now, we are doing another lesson so throw the maths sheet out" so that's what Dad was, he's this maths sheet I don't have to think about anymore!" 

I wish my mind was as clear cut as a child's sometimes.  I always talk about G in front of her, not too much but I do it gradually and I think in time she will open up more.  I may as well keep the money from paying psychologist fees and take her out just us two for a milkshake every few days and over time talk about him and let her know how he wouldn't have ended his life if he didn't have BPD.  The last thing he had said to her the last day he saw her after she said 'sorry' for not wanting to spend the day with him, he replied 'you're always sorry, you'll be sorry if I'm not around anymore', they never kissed or said goodbye to each other, so our poor little girl is carrying that on her shoulders and that's why she says she hates him.  I will try my best to make her see that it was his BPD. 

Even though I'm an adult and know this was the cause of him killing himself I still relive that last day thinking 'if only', I will always think that, but I will do my best to make her get through this as best I can.

[ziniztar]

hi Julie,

First of all I'm very sorry for what you're going through, I can't even begin to imagine how heartwrecking this must be  .

they never kissed or said goodbye to each other, so our poor little girl is carrying that on her shoulders and that's why she says she hates him.  I will try my best to make her see that it was his BPD.  

I wanted to comment on what you aim to do to you daughter (although I don't know how old she is?).

Children draw conclusions no matter what you say to them. My mother died when I was five so my strategy became to make sure my father would never leave me. Did he say he would leave me? No. It's something I figured out myself. Then again, my mother dying wasn't the thing that scarred me. It was how my father behaved afterward and how my stepmother wasn't available at all.

From my own experience, I think the best thing you can give her is your love, your wisdom. If she has trust issues, you can rebuild them. Not by telling 'you can trust me I will stay', because you can't. You don't know if you will get into an accident tomorrow. But you can teach her whatever is twisted in her mind right now due to recent events, by being a supportive parent that will also give her room and space to develop her own personality. I don't think forcing the adult concept of BPD onto her as a rational explanation for what happened, will make things any different for her right now. Perhaps when she is older, then yes.

I do know that my uncle had a mental illness, which meant I accepted strange behaviour from him knowing he was mentally ill. So conveying that her father was mentally ill can help, but maybe that's good enough for now. Focus on what you two have left, on the good things in life even though they are difficult to identify right now. She has a right to process this in her own way. Just be a wonderful mom to her, and she will feel safe enough at some point to come back to you for questions.

Best of luck in your own grieving process, take good care of yourself.

[MammaMia]

Hi Julie.

I am glad to hear from you.  I have been worried.

It is not unusual for a death in the family (even an expected death from chronic illness) to take years to recover from.  Given the circumstances of G's suicide, you and your d have been severely traumatized and your world is filled with pain, remorse, and "what ifs".  I would imagine you feel as if your future has been stolen from you by his death, and your "Happily Ever After" dream that was so close has been smashed to pieces.  

Julie, you and your d need professional help to get through this.  Find a psychiatrist or psychologist or mental health professional who truly understands the heartbreak and pain you are dealing with.  Time can be an ally or an enemy, and there is no quick fix to losing someone this way.  Remember, we cannot control what others think and do. Sometimes we just have to ACCEPT what they have done and deal with the ramifications of how their actions affect US. You may benefit from medication for depression or sleep if you are not on them already.  Often it is necessary to try several antidepressants to find the one that works for you.  This too needs to be supervised carefully.

While you have been through a tragic time in your life, you will always love G and always feel the loss ... .but this should not be allowed to control your life. You need the strength and courage to grieve, and then move forward.  You cannot change what has happened and it is NOT your fault.  G did this for reasons that may never be fully understood. Mental illness is a beast, but the responsibility for taking his own life is his. He chose to do this, and he chose to do it without giving you the chance to say goodbye, because you would have stopped him. HE did not want to stop or be stopped.  

Please do not give up on therapy for yourself or your daughter.  Maybe the answer is combined therapy where you can both deal with the issue together.  The focus should be on improving your lives and not dwelling on what might have been.  Once the grief has subsided a bit, you will need to deal with the anger caused by a suicide.  Oh yes, it will come.  

You deserve a future filled with good things, but only you can make it happen.  We all make life-changing choices, and this will be yours.  Easy... .no.  Necessary... .absolutely.  It is called survival.  It is called hope.

You and your d are in my thoughts and prayers.  Please keep us posted on how you are doing.  We are all concerned about you and want to support you in your continued efforts to find a more peaceful life.

It is possible!

[Rapt Reader]

Thank you for the update, Julie96... .

You've gotten a lot of good advice, and I hope things get better for both you and your daughter. I think looking into Therapy could be very helpful, and would probably even be life-changing when you two are ready.

I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through, and wish you the best 

[Julie96]

Thanks ziniztar and MammaMia, you have been helpful in your advice.  Our daughter is 11 now (her birthday was last week) but she is very wise for her age.  However I am not taking for granted she's just a little girl.  She acts strong and always steps up to take care of me when I break down crying, she holds her tears in and I don't want her to do what her Dad did when he was a child and his Dad walked out, he kept his feelings in until it messed up his mind the rest of his life and made him feel like it was his fault his Dad left (at 5 years old, it was nothing to do with him at all, his Dad left his Mum for another woman).

I will in time get her into therapy again, but at this moment I think it's so raw that it will make her clam up and not open up to anyone.  I will take your words of advice ziniztar as I know I've made some mistakes with what I've said to her since G died and when I've lost my temper.  I do my best to make her see that I won't leave as she sometimes cries and begs me not to do what Daddy did, but I will step up and make her feel more secure after what you said happened to you. 

Two days she got angry about G when I said something about him and she took down this photo in her bedroom of the two of them in happier times.  She put it in my room face down with a note to never put it in her room again.  Then that night when I tucked her into bed she asked me if I got the picture and I said I'd put it up in my room instead but if ever she feels she wants it back in her room she can take it and I will not mention it at all.  Last night when I turned off her light when she went to sleep I saw the photo of the two of them back on her shelf which brought tears to my eyes as I know she loves him and is going through chaos and confused emotions in her young mind, so I'm glad she hasn't completely blocked him out and there's a little bit of light at the end of this dark long tunnel we are in at the moment.

MammaMia you said "You cannot change what has happened and it is NOT your fault.  G did this for reasons that may never be fully understood. Mental illness is a beast, but the responsibility for taking his own life is his. He chose to do this, and he chose to do it without giving you the chance to say goodbye, because you would have stopped him. HE did not want to stop or be stopped." 

Thanks, I realise this up to a point. He didn't want to be stopped, he told me he was working when he was drinking and when I finally realised that morning he was going to commit suicide he turned his phone off without giving me a chance to talk him out of it.  I've since found out the police actually got there and tried to speak to him through the door but they couldn't hear what he was saying, they had to wait 15 minutes or so for the fire department to break down the front door (even though they never bothered to climb into the balcony from the main road where his truck was parked right below with a long workman's ladder on top!)  No! While they hung around at the front door this is when he hung himself and when they did get in they cut him down and tried CPR on him.  So he would have heard the sirens coming to his apartment, he'd have know I'd called them and then they were trying to get in but still he went ahead and ended his life.  So he gave me no opportunity to save him. 

You're also right when you said the future's been stolen now by his death and the Happily Ever After dream which was so close has been smashed to pieces. That's exactly how it feels.

Thanks both of you for replying. 

[InSearchofMe]

Dear Julie,

My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your beloved G.  I am walking a similar path.  Ten weeks ago today, my darling D completed suicide.

Here, as in my daily life, there is much talk of what a person 'chooses' and where the responsibility lies when this occurs.  I do not agree that our loved ones chose this.  Any more than they chose to have BPD, or chose to be ruled by the many things that caused them to dysregulate time and time again.  Would we say they chose they chose to die if they had succumbed to a physical illness?  I think not.  For me, in the end, the responsibility for their deaths lies squarely with the complex disease from which they suffered.  The heartbreaking reality I have had to acknowledge is my husband suffered from a mental illness so severe that it proved to be fatal. 

I cry often at the thought of his last moments and the excruciating pain he must have been in.  I grieve the loss of him, the loss of who he was before his disease took over so severely, and I grieve the loss of the future we were both working so hard to get to.

Sending big virtual hugs   to you and your daughter as you walk this new path that you most certainly did not ask to be on.

[Julie96]

Dear 'InSearchofMe',

I am so sorry to hear that you have gone through the same thing too just ten weeks ago.  I know people say it will get better but even though it's 5 months ago that my G committed suicide it feels like just a couple of weeks ago. 

I am like you and cry at the thought of his last moments and imagining all sorts of things.  I cry all the time.  I find it hardest to be polite to people I vaguely know and strangers as if everything's normal, because if they see you are down then they will ask questions and I don't want to relive telling it or even briefly mention it. 

My G battled his demons for so long but these past 4 years together he seemed to have reigned them in and had it under control, up until that last week and a half.  He drank and the demons came out to twist his thoughts and that's what dragged him down until he could see no other way out of the torment he must have been in in his head. 

I was reading online tonight ( forums.grieving.com) this woman who lost her husband to suicide 8 weeks prior, and so many of her feelings I could totally relate too, francy I think her name was.  I can't give the link as it's on my iPhone and I can't work out how to see it completely.  Maybe just google it and it may come up.  I don't want to dwell in other people's misery but for some reason having others say things you are feeling is kind of helpful in a way and lets you know you are not alone. 

Considering 10% of people with BPD commit suicide, you are the first person to contact me who has had this happen to them too.  Did your husband attempt suicide before when you were together?

[InSearchofMe]

It is comforting to find people who have an understanding of what we are going through.  And, no my darling D had not attempted suicide previously.  The last year of his life was really all about recovery.  First, finding treatment for the chronic physical pain from which he suffered due to a near-fatal car accident.  Then getting back into counseling to deal with what we believed was chronic depression.  Counseling led him to a full psychiatric evaluation and a BPD diagnosis.  He was participating in treatment and wanted so desperately to get better.  I think facing the feelings and what was really going on with him was just more than he could handle.  This horrible illness just ate him alive.

[livednlearned]

Hi Julie96,

I can't even imagine your grief, and then compounding that the feelings you must have watching your daughter recover from this.

My son is 13 and our situations are different, but S13's dad is no longer in his life. What came out in therapy is that S13 felt he must not be enough for N/BPDx. He felt he wasn't enough to get his dad to quit drinking, or go to therapy, or stop being mean to us. For S13 it came down to: Am I worthy enough? I guess I'm not. That's what was under all of S13's other feelings. The force of watching my son work through it brought me to my knees. Watching him touch those feelings made me touch mine, the stripped down core feelings that got trapped inside me in childhood. Hearing his voice shake and watch the feelings cross his face, seeing him so innocent and vulnerable... .:'(  I don't have words for it.

Instinctively I was trying to protect him from having those feelings. There is some kind of emotional move I was doing with him because I didn't know what he needed to feel, and didn't know how to help him get there. I hadn't healed that in me, and so it wasn't a place I knew he needed to go. So we did a few family counseling sessions together and my therapist got him there in two sessions.

Raw is ok. Raw is an appropriate feeling. But your D might need you in therapy with her, and she might lead you. A skilled therapist will know how to do this.

You're both in my thoughts and prayers.

LnL

[Julie96]

Thanks 'InSearchofMe', Like your D my partner G hadn't attempted suicide while were together before either.  He told me he'd attempted it while we were divorced, but when he went to a hypnotherapist/psychologist he turned his life around and said he wouldn't think of committing suicide now we were together and knowing what it may do to our daughter if he ever did.  So him ending his life never entered my mind when we resumed our relationship, I was slowly over time trusting in him more and more and the foundations were becoming stronger again after a tumultuous relationship in the past.  

Unlike your D, my partner never had an actual 'official diagnosis' of BPD but everything that's listed in regards to it was him 200%.  So I have no doubts what so ever that he had this, not any other disorder, this was him to a T.   I read what you said though and even though I've wondered since G's death "if he'd have been diagnosed with it, would he have felt so isolated and alone with his demons, or would he have felt freer knowing there is an actual disorder for how he feels and there's tips to get through it for the future"?  As much as I was aware this is what he had when he divorced me years before, when we became friends again after years apart with no contact I didn't feel like I should bring it up as he did nothing bad, he had no moodswings, no temper, no accusations, nothing to make me talk to him about it because all he ever did since we became friends and then lovers again was treat me like an absolute princess and he looked after me and our daughter like you wouldn't believe and made up for all the problems in the past.  We were everything to him and after years of being on my own with our daughter struggling to cope, I lapped up his attention and loved every minute of it.  There was no need to bring up 'issues in the past meaning you have BPD'.  There was no need, why rock the boat?  I didn't know how he'd be with being 'pigeon holed' into a personality disorder category either if you know what I mean?  So since I had no need to, I never said anything to him as all was fine - as far as I knew anyway.  So I had wondered - if he had known he had BPD would it have stopped him feeling so low and actually understand that when I wasn't available and it triggered why he'd suddenly felt so abandoned, would that have stopped him killing himself?  But I see that your husband D knew and still he chose to end his life, it's like it opened up all this past pain that he's had to face and it's all got too much

for him to bare, poor thing.

"This horrible illness just ate him alive". you said.  I absolutely agree with you there.

Also 'livednlearned' Thanks for what you said.  My daughter echoed what your S13 said today.  We were watching a tv programme final and I said it was a shame her Dad wasn't here as he'd be loving it and we'd be chatting on the phone about the end of the show.  She got upset with me saying I am hurting her feelings and talking about Dad that way, she said "it's like you are saying "I'm not enough, you can talk to me about it but still you would rather have Dad here to talk to about it instead".  So your word rung out in my head as I'd read your text beforehand.  I made her see she is more than enough in my world, but just like she wants to play with her friends at times instead of being with her boring old mother, being with her Dad is how I feel like being with a friend my own age too.

I will see about counselling together soon.  

[toast]

Dear Julie96 and InSearchofme,

Thank you for sharing your stories and my heart goes out to both of you. Also wanted to check in and see how you had survived the holidays.

This is the first time I write about this and reading your posts compelled me to do so. My BPD partner of 7 years died by suicide this February. I have been finding comfort in reading other stories of loss on other sites like modernloss but it never quite feels like it all resonates because as you know, living with a BPD partner is complex, and I am left trying to sort out all sorts of conflicting feelings.

I can really relate to what you both have written and understand it as a "horrible illness that ate her alive". I don't feel angry but rather a huge loss and sadness for what she must have felt on her last days and the years she spent battling her own negative thoughts and abandonment issues. I feel like I failed her but also understand that there was a lot that was out of my control. Even though its almost been a year, I still cry once in a while and the experience is constantly present in my thoughts. 

Unlike you, my BPD had several suicide attempts throughout our relationship. Most involved me calling 911 and all resulted in better mental health care for her and a renewed energy in her seeking professional help. She was never officially diagnosed BPD as her T did not like labels, but knew it was a possibility and fit the description perfectly. I give her lots of credit for working really hard on herself. Overtime though when she was feeling better, she would stop taking meds and seeking care and the cycle would start all over again.

Apart from my T there is no one else that knows the full story and never knew her darker side. Most people believe I am grieving the loss of my partner which is true. But I am also dealing with the emotional toll that living with a BPD took on me and realize I had also not taken such good care of myself. I miss the loving generous person that she was when she was in control of her emotions. I don't miss walking on eggshells and the temper and rages that were so easily triggered. 

sending lots of love,

toast

[wdone]

I am so, so sorry for what you're going through and for the loss of your partner and your mother. I really feel for you... .   

12 years ago, I cut my ex off and told him that I would let him know if I was ever ready again to communicate… He was drinking and lying and I couldn't handle it. He kept trying to contact me, and I didn't respond. He drank himself to death. I have blamed myself many times over the years, and part of me still does. But, he had an illness and I think he would have died like that anyway... despite my actions or words.

It sounds like you were blindsided and didn't know what was going on with him. It also sounds like you loved him well and did everything you could.

I wish there was something I could say to make the pain go away. I know how awful grieving that loss was for me. There are really no words. And everybody grieves in their own way. The only thing I can say is that letting myself feel it and journaling  about him and talking about him and lighting a candle for him every day and looking at pictures, anything I felt I needed to do, helped.

My heart really goes out to you.… I'm so sorry that he's gone. You sound like a very strong person. I'm so glad that you found this place and are continuing to check in…

[momtara]

"I miss the loving generous person that she was when she was in control of her emotions."

That is what is so hard.  It's a cruel disease that robs these people of the chance to be who they really could have been.  We see that person and sometimes we even help that person come out more than they would have.  That doesn't make it any easier for us novices to deal with a pwBPD as a partner, nor does it mean they couldn't have at some point gotten better treatment, but it's such a frustrating disorder and one I'm always surprised most people aren't more aware of.

Of course, if they didn't have the disorder, it's possible we may never have met them, considering the different turns their lives have taken.  Maybe we were bright spots in their lives.

I am sorry for all of your losses.   

[InSearchofMe]

Dearest toast,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had the same experience visiting other sites.  I do not find stories that truly resonate.  As far as other people in my life, no they do not understand the complexity of what I am dealing with.  The current part of my life's journey feels quite solitary.  I have come to be of the opinion that this is necessary for my healing and growth.  No, I am not isolating myself (in fact I have a very active social life).  But when it comes to working through the tangled mess of emotions and making peace with everything that happened, I find I am only able to do it when I am completely alone.  Anytime others are here (grown kids during the holidays) their feelings always take precedence over mine.   It is almost as if there is a limited amount of emotional space in the house and my feelings always come last.  I'm sure this is just a coping mechanism from years of living with a disordered person.  Still lots of work to do on me.

As far as the holidays, we got through them.  Really glad they are over.  I've always felt a lot of pressure during the holidays.  Like I'm the definition of 'Christmas.  You're Doing it Wrong.'  And this year it felt like everyone was watching me to see how I would cope.  I know they meant well and were being supportive, but it was just exhausting. 

Youngest son will head back to college soon, and the house will once again be my sanctuary.  Or rather, get on the way physically to becoming that.  I am beginning major renovations to make my home into the place I have always wanted to live.

Please feel free to private message me any time.  It is nice to chat with someone who 'gets it.'

[MammaMia]

I am so sorry for all of your losses.  No one should have to deal with the suicide of a loved one, but sadly, with BPD, the odds are very high that it could happen to any of us at any time without warning.

Human nature is to place blame. It serves no purpose. Sometimes, there just are no answers to the hardest questions. The torment of having lost someone to suicide is impossible for others to understand. They may, in fact, be angry at the suicide victim for causing such pain which is misdirected and cruel.  A life has been stolen by a devastating mental illness, and no one has the right to try to justify the unjustifiable.

Survivors, on the other hand, have needs others can help with.  Mainly unconditional love and support without unsolicited prying, comments, or discussion.  When children say they miss a parent, that is all they are saying.  Do not take it personally or feel rejected. Understanding their pain is also crucial to healing.

Be kind to yourself.  Let the luxury of time and supportive friends and family help you. If you are comfortable, seek grief counseling and/or group support. Be selective in dealing with people.

Understand that you did not cause the suicide and you could not have prevented it. Only God has the answers.

 

[Julie96]

Hi Toast, I'm really sorry to hear your pwBPD left you by taking their own life as well.  Thank you for asking how I and InSearchofMe have been over the holidays.  It was very difficult, I and our daughter got through Christmas Day Ok, we went to my brother's house as I don't think I could ever handle having Christmas at mine anymore as my pwBPD made it so special.  I was glad when New Year's celebrations were over, I laid on my bed listening to fireworks go off down the road and just wanted to sleep it all away.  So glad it's boring January again and no social get togethers.

I know there's 'Hurricane' too who posted about their pwBPD committing suicide as well (as I accidentally kind of 'hijacked' her post as I was answering questions and overtook her post by mistake as I thought it was this actual post).   They seemed glad Christmas was all over with too.

I cry almost every day still.  I have been in touch with someone from this site via email who's girlfriend with BPD committed suicide a year and a half ago, it has been very helpful understanding their situation too and everything in more detail.  Makes you feel not alone.  No one knew about my pwBPD and his moodswings and depression really.  If he was feeling down he'd just never make a point of seeing anyone, he'd shut them out. So they all were in absolute shock that he ended his life as they always thought he was such a 'happy guy full of life and fun'.  After so many years together when he'd 'pull the rug out from underneath me' and turn my world upside down with his dramatic change of moods I felt so cautious when we got back together as I didn't want to imagine it but I always had this fear in the back of my mind that he'd leave again for no major reason.  I only dreaded him just finishing with me, I had no idea until that last minute that he was going to end his life.  My world was turned upside down in the worst possible way and part of me wonders if my previous fear turned out to be a self fulfilling proficy and I kind of made it happen due to thinking it might, or if I had genuine cause for concern after all those years with him before where he'd just turn against me for reasons I was never sure of.

[DreamGirl]

Holidays are really hard when we are coping with the loss of our beloved family members.