Having a Hard time communicating with udBPDh...

[LilHurt420]

(I originally posted this in the newcomers board, but didn't meant to... .so I'm reposting here)

I'm having a really hard time communicating with my udBPDh.  It's starting to affect our relationship even worse than the already there issues.  I'm also pregnant, so my hormones are not helping how I feel.

Although his episodes and outburts have been less lately... .I still feel like I'm constantly dealing with a child.  He's so all over the place I don't even know what to think most of the time.  Last week he "found religion" and was going to stop drinking/smoking/staying up late/etc.  He lectured me over the weekend about how he was on this path of being more structured and wanted me to follow and how it'd be good for our family.  While I didn't agree with a lot that he was saying, I listened and took the message to be that he wants us to grow and have been trying to stay on path with that.  I've set a schedule for our son and have been trying to stick to it (making sure I make dinner on time every night and stuff).  But instead of adhering to this, my H has been doing the opposite.  He's stayed up all night long making him late for work in the morning.  He's taken prescribed pain killers which caused him to pass out on the porch the night before last and spill his drink all over himself and his phone ruining his phone (more money out of pocket now for a new phone for him).    Then he gets upset because I'm not into sex right now (being pregnant and all) and accused me of wanting it from someone else since I'm not in the mood at all.  But then gets upset when he stays outside all night long and comes in late and I'm sleep and he wants to have sex and I'm not into it.  One day he complains about not having sex, then when we have it he complains that I'm not into it and I shouldn't just give it to him I should "learn to say no"

Dealing with all this on top of the pregnancy, working full time, taking care of our 5yo, cooking, cleaning, etc is EXHAUSTING.

I'm going to attempt to talk with him tonight.  I just don't really know how.  I feel like every time I try to talk with him I can't be completely honest in my feelings because he'll take it the wrong way and once he "feels" something then it's set in stone and there's no other way it could be.  Then our conversations get side tracked from what my real issue and we have to focus on how he feels and how if he feels it, it has to be true (he'll talk endlessly about what he feels like will happen if he dies and I meet someone else and since he feels that way it means it's fact).

Honestly... .I'm just exhausted and don't want to deal with this anymore.  But I'm trying.  Any advice?

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[Cat21]

I'm sorry for your situation, lilhurt. That sounds really crappy and you definitely need your health to be the best it can be right now! Do you have any family or friends close by who wouldn't mind hosting you and your son for a few days or a week? I know it's not easy to take a time out, physically leaving the house, when you have a child AND when you're pregnant... .so maybe a few days away would help?

As far as talking to him goes, I'm certain you won't get the responses you're looking for. What kind of boundaries have you set for yourself? I've found that trying to discuss issues with my uBPDh is useless unless I know what my personal boundaries are. You have to decide what you will and will not put up with, and enforce it. It's for you, not him. I struggle with boundaries, too. I've found that re-reading the Lesson on boundaries is helpful. In fact, reviewing the lessons in general gives me perspective and reminds me that I am only in control of myself.

I hope it gets better! 

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, that endless chase of worrying about what to say or not say to them. The accusations from them, and how their feelings are their entire reality. It does get exhausting, and sometimes there just is no winning with them. I can't do anything "right" or "enough" for my uBPDh, no matter how hard I try, or even if I do exactly as he "demands". He is being into demanding I do something. But even when he gets his way, he is not happy. I brings me down, and I have moments when I feel bad, but I know deep down, that the issue is in HIM. He has a hole that I can't fill. Only he can do that.

They project, and they also have so many fears. It's understandable on some levels, but it is so hard to live with. For me, the anger/rages, and blame are the worst. And the fact that I can't get any empathy from him, or credit for anything I do. I really long for someone, anyone to say I'm a good person, and that they can see I'm doing my best. I put myself in bad situations for ME, just to please him(like therapy with his adult, angry daughter). I'm tired like you. I'm still trying too, but I'm failing, he tells me that almost daily.

Oh, and the sex thing? Yeah, I'm not giving him as much sex as he wants, so he can't complain about that right now, but he has found other things: Like this issue with his daughter. I never just have PEACE.

[LilHurt420]

I'm sorry for your situation, lilhurt. That sounds really crappy and you definitely need your health to be the best it can be right now! Do you have any family or friends close by who wouldn't mind hosting you and your son for a few days or a week? I know it's not easy to take a time out, physically leaving the house, when you have a child AND when you're pregnant... .so maybe a few days away would help?

As far as talking to him goes, I'm certain you won't get the responses you're looking for. What kind of boundaries have you set for yourself? I've found that trying to discuss issues with my uBPDh is useless unless I know what my personal boundaries are. You have to decide what you will and will not put up with, and enforce it. It's for you, not him. I struggle with boundaries, too. I've found that re-reading the Lesson on boundaries is helpful. In fact, reviewing the lessons in general gives me perspective and reminds me that I am only in control of myself.

I hope it gets better! 

I can't really go anywhere else during the weekend because of work, and on the weekends I only have my moms to go to and I don't want to get her involved.  She's already tired of the whole situation and hates my DH.  I'll go to her house for the day with my son and go to the beach or something when I need a getaway but I try not to stay the night because then she knows something is up.

I tried to talk to him last night.  I sat him down and started explaining how he confuses me and started to explain why.  During that our son kept whining about something so he cut me short and asked if I could go check on him watching TV.  That made me so mad, we've spent hours talking about his feelings and when it's important to him he'll tell our son to hold on or whatever (it wasn't anything important) so he can finish ranting to me.  But of course when I have something important to say he cuts it short and uses our son as an excuse.  I know it's because he knows I'm right (he got the gist of it by what I was able to get out) and he doesn't want to hear it.  Of course since then he's been nice to me.  But I've just been doing my own thing.  I've decided I'm going to start doing what I want to do and what makes me feel good/comfortable at the moment.  If he doesn't like it he may ignore me for a while (which honestly is great now... .before it use to bother me... .not I don't mind it) but eventually he'll get over it.

I've always struggled with boundaries with him too.

[LilHurt420]

Yeah, that endless chase of worrying about what to say or not say to them. The accusations from them, and how their feelings are their entire reality. It does get exhausting, and sometimes there just is no winning with them. I can't do anything "right" or "enough" for my uBPDh, no matter how hard I try, or even if I do exactly as he "demands". He is being into demanding I do something. But even when he gets his way, he is not happy. I brings me down, and I have moments when I feel bad, but I know deep down, that the issue is in HIM. He has a hole that I can't fill. Only he can do that.

They project, and they also have so many fears. It's understandable on some levels, but it is so hard to live with. For me, the anger/rages, and blame are the worst. And the fact that I can't get any empathy from him, or credit for anything I do. I really long for someone, anyone to say I'm a good person, and that they can see I'm doing my best. I put myself in bad situations for ME, just to please him(like therapy with his adult, angry daughter). I'm tired like you. I'm still trying too, but I'm failing, he tells me that almost daily.

Oh, and the sex thing? Yeah, I'm not giving him as much sex as he wants, so he can't complain about that right now, but he has found other things: Like this issue with his daughter. I never just have PEACE.

Their feelings being their entire reality is what drives me crazy the most.  I am a very logical person... .insanely logical at times.  I have a very hard time understanding how because he thinks something could happen that means it's reality.  He constantly talks about how if he dies I'll just let some guy come in and take advantage of me.  There's no if ands or buts about it to him.  He talks about it as if it's happening.  It drives me crazy.  A few years ago after him cheating on me countless times I ended up having a short fling with someone while on vacation.  Didn't last long but I was in desperate need of attention since he was off doing his own thing all the time, but he still talks about it endlessly.  He talks about what "could have" happened, and he talks about it like it's reality.  It makes me never want to have any deep conversations with him.  The reality in his head is so warped I often have problems not laughing at him when he explains things to me.  It's just so frustrating.

The anger/rages/blame is the worst part of it.  Thankfully my husband has stopped with the anger and rage for now because I'm pregnant (although it still took a few months for him to stop)  He knows he has to put on his mask for me now in a way because he knows if he does all that to me it'll in turn hurt the baby.  I'm scared of what will happen once I'm not pregnant anymore though.  Like he's building up the anger and rage for after the baby comes and then he'll release it all and it'll be even worse.

Sometimes I want to go to therapy so badly... .just so he can finally hear from someone else that his way of thinking isn't normal.  But he won't go.  We tried one session a long time ago and I wasn't completely truthful, but neither was he.  Since I wasn't (it doesn't matter that he wasn't) he thinks I'll just lie again so he won't go.  I know deep down he knows I won't and he's just scared to hear from someone else that something is wrong with him.  I know he knows deep down... .I can see it in his face sometimes.  Kills me.

Sorry for my rant