This is a sad situation, and I feel sad and alone in this marriage.

[Samuel S.]

Having a BPDw who prefers to focus solely on her studies and solely on her work makes me realize that we really don't have a relationship, not alone a marriage. She was the one who said that she is the only one who truly loves me at the beginning of the relationship and to have that all evaporate to virtually nothing where she does her own thing, only will do some cooking, and wish to complain with the need to be validated makes me feel like the terry cloth father in this case with her hugging on, but only if she needs something.

In the meantime, to fill my void, I am giving to others and being paid, but that is only professionally. Personally, while there is a mini-vacation that she has encouraged me to take next week, while I plan to enjoy it in the best ways I can, it would be much more fulfilling and much more enjoyable, if she and I were to have planned together and to enjoy it together. I plan to be a kid again and go to some amusement parks and the beach.

I truly do suspect that she will never understand the value and the importance of a relationship, our relationship in this case, even after I pass. I guess I will date myself, but there was a song way back when, that dealt with always being on the go while the kids need the love and the attention, but they never get it, because the father is so busy to know they exist. This is how I feel as the kids in the song wanting the love and the attention in this case of my BPDw, but she's incapable.

To top it all off, her D17 is an exact image of her personality, but even worse being a teen.

At least, my BPDw has not been verbally abusive lately, but she sure is neglectful with me and us. BTW, she doesn't like me using the word "us".

This is a sad situation, and I feel sad and alone in this marriage.  :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ziniztar]

I feel for you Samuel.

What are the options you have in this situation?

There are always options... you are not stuck.

[123Phoebe]

 

Do you ever just get tired of feeling sad?  I sure did.  It's like my moods were wrapped up in how he was interacting with me, when it was pretty clear he didn't want to feel responsible for my happiness.  And you know what?  He isn't responsible for it, I am.  Yay, I have the pow-ah!

If I didn't get any support from him, I wouldn't be in the relationship, Samuel. 

In the meantime, to fill my void, I am giving to others and being paid, but that is only professionally. Personally, while there is a mini-vacation that she has encouraged me to take next week, while I plan to enjoy it in the best ways I can, it would be much more fulfilling and much more enjoyable, if she and I were to have planned together and to enjoy it together. I plan to be a kid again and go to some amusement parks and the beach.

To fill your void?  Your wife isn't the end-all to be-all.  There are lots of things I prefer doing without my partner.  Doesn't mean I love him any less or think any less of him or our relationship. 

I apologize if this is getting too personal... .  Have you talked with a Dr about possible depression? 

I really hope you enjoy your mini-vacation!

[Samuel S.]

I appreciate your responses and your concerns. I really do!

Yes, I do have options as far as what I can do for me, and I am doing them. I am reaching out to others. I am also helping by teaching and tutoring and giving workshops and writing books and exercising. I find myself the happiest when I do these things. In fact, it's been a lot of fun! Indeed, I am not stuck in staying in this condo when my BPDw obviously has other priorities.

Yes, I do get tired of feeling sad, and I do things to counteract those feelings. Along with helping others, I indeed help myself to feel happier. I know that my life is not reliant on her. Yes, she is not responsible for my happiness. I am, and I am doing something about it.

I have shared my my ambivalent feelings here, just like everyone else. That is a part of the reason for this website.

As for seeing a doctor for possible depression, I am not depressed because of what I am doing. I focus much more so on the positive due to being a positive person and realizing that both personally and professionally, I have a lot to offer. My BPDw also has a lot to offer, although she freely admits that she has gone from one extreme of being very generous and loving to only sparsely being attentive to our relationship and focusing almost exclusively on herself.

Yes, I intend to enjoy my mini-vacation. It is going to be fun and relaxing.

So, I am realistic as to how she is, but I am not going to allow her obvious avoidance become the center of my attention. My life is dependent upon me, and I am doing just that! The differences between her and me are that she is very uncompromising and almost obsessive in everything she does while I offer love, validation, reliability, and compromise. In many respects, she should be the one seeing a doctor instead of her artificial medium-counselor who has hatred of men.

[123Phoebe]

In many respects, she should be the one seeing a doctor instead of her artificial medium-counselor who has hatred of men.

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for the LOL and the thumbs up validation of my BPDw's reliance of her artificial medium-counselor and my BPDw's need to see a true doctor. My BPDw has seen her artificial medium-counselor for some 10 years now. It seems like a big coincidence that her artificial medium-counselor supposedly was abused and also lost a child like my BPDw. Thus, being a woman and a native indian and single and seeing that my BPDw was definitely abused and definitely lost a child, my BPDw could relate to her instead of some other traditional and non-traditional therapies that we tried. Thus, my BPDw has called her each week and has gone to numerous women's sessions for the last several years some 200 miles away. This artificial medium-counselor has made my BPDw very reliant on her, and I believe she hates men. Ergo, while it is good that my BPDw is doing that she wants to do, the end result is that she has not made our marriage one of her priorities. So, now, you know the rest of the story.

[Fanie]

I feel for you Buddy... . 

I also feel very alone in our marriage

She will spend hours on the cell with her friends - and give me

the silent treatment, no kisses, nothing ... .

Also going to visit friends for weekends,

leaving me and the two kids behind

Been like this for the past six months ... .

:'(

[waverider]

It is possible to fill your life with rewarding things, but it is hard to compensate for the grief of not having a sole mate.

At the end of the day you have to choose whether you can live this way or not. Having your side in order, as you seem to have, it is easier to be objective about this.

Cohabiting is not always the best way to live out your life, if that is all you mean to each other. Sharing fun times doubles the pleasures

Have you thought about your options in a considered way so that no matter what you do it will be a considered choice, and thereby easier to live with?

[mywifecrazy]

Samuel S,

Sorry to hear what your going through. My 18yr marriage ended last year and in the end it sounded a lot like what you described. Don't take this the wrong way but Do you think there's a possibility she's seeing someone? I hate suggesting this but some of the things you describe come up as   for me. Things like encouraging you to go out and spend time without her? My X did a lot of things like that and I was blind to her real motives but now that I'm out of the FOG and I look back it's all so crystal clear. I hope that's not the case for you but keep a sharp lookout anyway.

How old are your kids? I feel for you, it's obvious you love your wife. Have you had the chance to openly communicate your feelings with her? Lay it all on the line? It would be worth it if you can.  You don't want to look back after the marriage ends and say I wish I would have... .

I hope things change for the better for you. Hang in there!

Sincerely... .MWC

PS The song is "Cat's in the Craddle" by Harry Chapin. It brings a tear to my eye every time I hear it.

[Samuel S.]

A counselor told me the same thing as well, that I should be on the lookout for any signs of my BPDw's infidelity. If this is the case, I believe it is online for which I have no access to her computer. You see, she works. She studies. She stays in her room with the door closed.

Her D17 is about to go to college in the fall.

Yes, I do love her, but my love for her is dying slowly but surely due to my distrust of her with her verbal abuse and oftentimes neglect. A negative consequence for me personally is that it is very difficult for me to trust myself. I know I was duped, but she was so very, very convincing. Then, slowly but surely, I was degraded and put on the defensive on account of her irrationalizations.

I have various times openly communicated with my BPDw in terms of how I feel wanting to resume having a close relationship and doing things together that she enjoys and that I enjoy and that we enjoy together, but she always turns it around by saying that she never has had the opportunity to do what she wants, because she never had a chance to do so. In many respects, from what I know about her past, this is the case for her.

Frankly, a positive consequence of this negative situation is that I am looking at speaker bureaus to share my teacher and family ideas. Perhaps, if this becomes a reality, maybe, my BPDw might realize my importance other than being a warm body who takes care of the bills. Maybe, if you are right that she is being unfaithful, she will decide to pursue that relationship.

All I know is that I have tried to reestablish a healthy relationship with not any success. Of course, she can do those things she wants to do, but we are supposedly married, at least legally. Maybe, she needs to read the marriage vows again and the marriage certificate.   broken