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Author Topic: post partum period and compmetely traumatized  (Read 411 times)
Mrs. Hyde

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 35



« on: July 10, 2014, 04:17:43 PM »

Hi... .I've posted a couple of times before.  I just had a baby a week ago. I was scared when I was pregnant about my uBPDh dysregulating and how he would react and behave with the baby.

I am a week into this baby's life and my fears aren't unfounded... .he scares me when he handles the baby... .and if I say anything at all about anything he responds in a hypersensitive way and tells me not to tell him how to love his baby etc etc... .he recently said he felt pushed aside because I wanted family to be able to visit the baby and that he lost a week of his sons life because of that.  Today he told me he is unhappy and he doesn't k ow what he wants to do but that we are not compatible and he doesn't like the way I am ... .I said we just had a baby together and he said you don't have to be married to have a baby

He is already trying to alienate me by requesting all these isolated alone times of bonding without me.  He is self employed and can come ho.e as much as he wants... .I took the baby to the yogurt store with my 18yo and was stressing out about getting home because he wanted to come ho.e and have an hour with the baby.  I am stuck... I am on the staying boards due to financial insecurity... .if I was able I would leave yesterday... .I don't know what my question is.  How do I manage in this state... .I am in such a depression right now... .he moved me into his home... .my 2 kids from previous marriage are feeling it too... .I feel like a bad mom for subjecting my week old son to such an unstable person ... .I feel like a victim.  I feel like I made stupid decisions that screwed up my life... .I have no energy to manage this man for too much longer... .he isolated his first kid and now I see him doing it again with me... .I am beyond sad... .when the baby was born there was 3 days of mania and now it has sunk to a new low again... .how do I keep my sanity when I am forced to stay... .of course he may very well leave me first... .at least that's what he threatens on a regular basis... .help me
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

lalove714

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Posts: 16


« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2014, 11:17:05 AM »

im so sorry to hear about your situation !  :'( :'(

i also just had a baby with my uBPDex fiance. i broke up with him when i was about 28 weeks along because i uncovered some huge lies and shortly after is when i came to the conclusion that he likely has BPD and i found this site. i had and still have some of the same fears you have. my ex has been trying to "make up" for all of the things he has done and pain he has caused and get back together since about 6 weeks after the split. i was and still am contemplating if i want him in our lives at all. my son is 19 days old now. i have set firm boundaries for him before he can even come see the baby.  i am surprised that he is going along with the conditions i have set (although he has tried to manipulate me and come see the baby before meeting my requirements but i was firm). one thing i realized is that although they are extremely controlling, they NEED rules and actually work well with them when they realize who ultimately has control. i am still unsure if i even want him to see the baby, id like to believe he is making positive changes in his life (hence the reason i was reading stories on the staying board) but taking it day by day. my advise to you is to be firm and set boundaries as best you can under your circumstances and plz REACH OUT to anyone that could help you. you need to protect your children and DONT feel guilty about it. you dont need a reason, remember that. trust your instincts and do not allow him to isolate you and your kids. it is not your fault, but if you feel uncomfortable you need to fix your situation. it will be hard and it wont happen overnight, but you can do it! stay safe and i hope things work out for you and your family! (your new son will appreciate you for making positive changes). - also dont be ashamed to call abuse centers even if its just emotional abuse. if you tell them your situation i guarantee they will try their best to help you and accommodate you. you aren't stuck. good luck i wish you all the best !  
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Haye
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: SO
Posts: 148



« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2014, 02:25:21 PM »

Please, find anyone who can help you and your babies (and the older kids). Your situation sounds way too difficult and i'm worried for your well being and the baby's as well. Even if it is not your first child it's so little time from giving birth you are not even close to your normal physichal or mental condition. Postpartum is not and easy things, it doesn't go away by itself and having a dysregulated BPD in the mix... .I'm sorry but it is a nightmare .

Is there a safehouse in your area? I urge you to take the all the kids and go. You need to first find calm and peace and concnetrate on the little one. You also need time to just breath and then, after you have recovered from giving birth in peace you can start thinking about your next moves. In a safe house you will have help and guidance too.

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JohnLove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2014, 07:19:37 PM »

Hello Mrs. Hyde. I have been wondering how things might have gone for you, whether there was some sense of stability with your baby being born. I became increasingly worried when reading your articulate post. That worry soon turned to anger. The fears you describe are ringing alarm bells in my head. Your fears aren't unfounded?. You are scaring ME!. The interactions you describe are classic BPD behaviour and way unhealthy. He is playing BPD "games". He is self employed and you have no financial security?. He is self employed and can organise his time to include the baby. The alienation, isolationThere is a picture forming here. There is a truly innocent life that needs protection here.

When I read further down your post my anger turned to empathy. These realizations you are having are the same as the ones I had for you. You are not alone. Beyond sad is a strange mysterious void. I have been there. It feels weird. Use this time to work through what YOU really want for YOU and the baby (and your 2 others) and what it is YOU are really going to do about your situation before it becomes any more desperate. In your post you have outlined very controlling and manipulative behaviour. When he isolated his first child it didn't happen by accident. By your comments I honestly don't know if he should be alone with the baby. How do you manage?... .find the Love. You must manage even if it is just for the baby. I know how draining a newborn can be and I know how draining a pwBPD can be. This is a double whammy for you. Really appreciate this. Trust your feelings even though your BPD may be undermining or invalidating you. Trust your instincts. Some life circumstances ARE unmanageable. You need a plan.

Maybe you feel like a victim because you are acting like one. I know this IS confusing. I know this is ENORMOUSLY difficult. If circumstances get any worse than this and you can be sure they won't stay the same. Things will either improve or get worse. I want you to take charge of your life... .if not for you then for your baby. I so want to help you, I so want your situation to improve, I am worried about this new life, as I am sure as do others on here.

I dont believe you are being "forced" to stay. That makes it a choice. Sometimes separating can redefine the game for a person with BPD. It may be the only way to stabilize the boundaries in your relationship. I am not advising to separate. I am advising you to ask yourself the important questions. In a perfect world it would all be worked out. The world is not perfect but it is going to work itself out one way or the other.

We so want you to be safe and happy... .we want to help but we can't do it for you. There will be others (you mightn't have met them yet) in your locale that will want to help. It really is up to YOU but that doesn't mean you have to do it alone. 
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Mrs. Hyde

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 35



« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2014, 07:00:54 AM »

I am going to make an appointment with a family law attorney

I may also call Child Protective Services to get advice as well

Thanks for the advice-I pray this does not get too ugly but honestly I'm not feeling very confident about it.
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November_Rain

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Posts: 49


« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2014, 08:11:17 AM »

I am in a similar situation as you Mrs. Hyde. I got married last year after only dating my husband for 6 months. I have 2 older kids from a previous marriage and I'm currently pregnant. We moved into his house and rented mine out. Soon after we got married he started to get physical and it has gotten worse over the past nine months. I started thinking he was BPD while dating after his roommate told me to read "Walking on Eggshells". He meets all of the criteria for BPD. He also had some issues where he was almost forced into a psychiatric hospital and his guns were taken away because of a threat of suicide. I knew all of this before I married him but love is blind. I thought once married, he would feel more secure and things would get better. After being married for 2 months, we started marriage counseling after he became abusive (at that point it had not yet gotten physical).  After an incident of him choking me 1 1/2 months ago, I told him if he was ever again physical I would call the police. Almost 2 weeks ago he was again physical so I called the police. Because there were no obvious injuries, they could not arrest him. They also could not make either of us leave the house. I chose to leave for a few days. After being turned down on a rental application for a house twice because of my mortgage (the house I rented out) I decided to go back home and try to work things out. I also found out that I do not qualify for FMLA when I have the baby, which means my job is not secure and I do not get paid for maternity leave. My husband is due to separate from the military shortly after the baby is born, so we will have no health insurance and he hasn't even started looking for a job yet. I received a call from the State's Attorney because where we live, it is a 2nd degree felony for battery on a pregnant person. I managed to convince her that I just overacted and that the situation was all my fault. She then agreed to drop any pending charges. Then a week later a got a call from the base. They received the police report and opened a case, issued a military protective order against my husband ordering no contact, and I received a visit from someone at Dept of Children & Family Services (even though my children have never witnessed any abuse or have been abused themselves they still have to investigate). So now I have to comply with their investigation but I am stuck because if I am honest about the abuse, my husband will divorce me and I have no place to live for me and my children, no health insurance, and no paycheck. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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Mrs. Hyde

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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 35



« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2014, 01:23:59 PM »

WOW BROKEN... .You are in a worse situation than I am.  I am so sorry you are faced with this now.  I know the pain and excruciating fear that comes along with bringing a baby into a chaotic and unpredictable situation.  I don't have any great advice except that your safety and the safety of your kids needs to come first.  Luckily I am not in physical danger.  If I was I would reach out to every and any agency that I could to begin to build the case that would ultimately protect me.  Please reach out to the authorities.  Physical abuse almost always increases with time. 

Do you have family you can rely on for a short time until you get on your feet?  What about your older kids father?  Can he help out?  Is there a domestic violence shelter near you?  What about the military... .they may have something in place for spouses suffering from abuse.  I would say try to bide your time and create healthy boundaries around yourself to help you deal with your husbands irrationality and dysregulation but because he is physically abusive I say GET OUT... .GET HELP... .Document everything.  Don't lie for him... .be truthful for yourself and your kids.  I know it is scary but there are safety nets out there that you may be able to use for a short time until you get on your feet.  My situation is tricky because my husband is doing things that are odd and irrational but not necessarily abusive.  He is still depositing money into my bank account... .So much of the abuse he is doing to me is very hard to  document or prove... .It is hard.  If he were ever physically abusive I would call CPS and police immediately and document it.  My husband is very cunning and can come across as charming to people that don't know him so when we get divorced I am afraid he will try to manipulate the system.

I am so sorry.  I really know how desperate it feels to be in such a toxic situation with children to care for.  Please feel free to PM me if you want to vent or need extra support.  I really feel your pain... .I am just taking life one day at a time and I am going to talk to an attorney tomorrow to see what my rights are if he should leave me high and dry.  Please stay well and PM me... .anytime
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