Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 09:00:19 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Big news...  (Read 433 times)
maxsterling
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« on: July 10, 2014, 06:10:43 PM »

I haven't been on here in awhile.  With the holiday and stuff going on both in my brain and outside my brain, I needed clarity and time away from thinking about BPD, and that meant staying away from this board.  The more I read here, the more I help, the more I feel consumed, and the less time I take to enjoy me or explore what it is that I want.

Things were doing better on her end - Yeah, she quit DBT group therapy (I have theories as to why, and they involve her not really wanting to examine herself yet).  I was about ready to completely frustrate myself with this, but realized that while she is quitting DBT group, she's still going to PTSD group, is being more social with friends, is planning to volunteer at the yoga studio again, and is going to more AA meetings. 

But then the issue of going to visit my parents for the holiday weekend came up.  I had told her I was going.  Originally she did not want to go, then she did want to go as to not be alone, then back to undecided the morning of the 4th.  Very frustrating on my end.  With the previous few days of thinking about things and what I want, I had decided that I *do* want a long tern relationship with her, and that the past few months I had simply just been waiting for her to stabilize herself before trying to move either forward or backward.  In other words, I felt like I was waiting for her in order to do what I wanted, and that had me emotionally locked up in the same way she probably felt locked up.  I didn't know what to do because I didn't know what I was working towards.  And once I realized that I still wanted to work towards a future with her, I laid it out for her, I proposed to her.

Nope, not the kind of romantic proposal I was hoping for mainly because her extreme anxiety and lack of patience would never allow that.  It was more of a "I want to marry you, it's up to you to decide if you want to marry me" type proposal.  No, I didn't say it like that, but that is how I felt - that I am working towards something, I want to work towards this, I'm tired of waiting for her to figure out what she wants, so I am going to tell her what I want and she can decide if she wants to work towards that to, or continue on her path of misery.

She didn't fully believe me.  So, when we eventually went to my parents house, I told them in front of her.  And I contacted her dad and told him.  And they were all happy for us.  And then the dysreguation started.  After all, the pwBPD get overwhelmed with any kind of emotion.  She then wanted leave soon, so we left and drove home before lunch.  Her relatives began to call.  Her friends wished her well.  And by that evening, she was crying uncontrollably, hitting herself, worried about us getting married and me divorcing her later, worried about what other people think, just extreme anxiety over EVERYTHING.

But I have to say, my mind has been MUCH clearer, and I feel free again.  I laid it out that this is what I want, this is what I am working towards, I made a decision.  And it's up to her whether she wants to walk with me or not.  After a few days, she's been much better, happier, and hopeful.  I'm sure it won't last long, but somehow I feel I have a new perspective now.  There's a chance we may still not get married.  Or it may be a courthouse wedding.  Or it may be a marriage that doesn't last long.  But it is what I want, what I want to work towards, and I feel in control again.

I think my mind felt trapped by not having decided what I want and not knowing where she wanted to go with the r/s.  Sure, she talked endlessly about marriage, but she didn't act like it, and that was confusing to me.  Now that I have realized that how she acts should have no bearing on what I want, things in this relationship feel like they have a purpose again.
Logged

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

itgirl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 4 years living together
Posts: 195



« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2014, 01:17:05 AM »

Congratulations on this step forward.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

It must be difficult to live under uncertainty and hopefully this step will move your relationship forward.

ps.  I take it you have to change your home board to staying now  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Logged

lemon flower
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 241



« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2014, 03:44:37 AM »

congratulations maxsterling and gf,

this is a truly hopeful and meaningful message  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
ziniztar
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



WWW
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2014, 04:45:17 AM »

Congrats on the big step! That must be exciting for the both of you.

You come across very confident, reassured, which is a nice thing to read. It's always good (no matter what the issue and whether BPD is involved or not) to make your own decision, whether or not people understand them.

I haven't been on here in awhile.  With the holiday and stuff going on both in my brain and outside my brain, I needed clarity and time away from thinking about BPD, and that meant staying away from this board.  The more I read here, the more I help, the more I feel consumed, and the less time I take to enjoy me or explore what it is that I want.

Yeah... exactly the reason why I didn't feel I was up for the task yet.

Excerpt
But I have to say, my mind has been MUCH clearer, and I feel free again.  I laid it out that this is what I want, this is what I am working towards, I made a decision.  And it's up to her whether she wants to walk with me or not.  After a few days, she's been much better, happier, and hopeful.  I'm sure it won't last long, but somehow I feel I have a new perspective now.  There's a chance we may still not get married.  Or it may be a courthouse wedding.  Or it may be a marriage that doesn't last long.  But it is what I want, what I want to work towards, and I feel in control again.

Happy to read she is feeling better again! And I think it's good that you're still expecting things to go different, it's healthy and realistic   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). Feeling confident and empowered again will help you to stick to your own values and plans. Do bear in mind that pwBPD are dysregulated by any type of pressure or change. So the fact that you are all of a suddent so sure - can be hard to take in for her. The fact that you publicly announced it without her really answering yet - was hard to take for her.

Even if you feel like The Hulk inside now you've found your own path... still be gentle with her. It will be difficult for her to adapt and ignite many anxieties and feelings of dispair. You -for yourself- want that to minimze the dysregulations and distructions of your new found faith, right? Use your energy in giving validation and deploying the tools to reach that goal  .
Logged
sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2014, 04:51:18 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2014, 06:49:06 AM »

Making clear choices is always empowering,. It makes whatever unfolds easier to deal with.

As you say you are living in the reality of the now. What you want now, without any fantasies of what it will mean. Life will unfold and you will make decisions accordingly.

You have taken the wheel and are no longer being towed behind someone else.

Take on board what you have learned and guard yourself, but theres no need to jump at shadows.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
wilsonian
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 97



« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2014, 09:10:06 AM »

Congrats maxsterling!... .I hope and pray with Gods help and allot work between both of you it can be a life long marriage... Not sure if you read the Good Book but what gets me through allot of things is this... .


1 Corinthians 13:4-13New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Logged
Love Is Not Enough
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged and living together
Posts: 292

Confidence is the gateway to hope


« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2014, 04:55:00 PM »

Congratulations maxsterling!

I know things improved for me substantially when I made a very firm decision to stay. It motivated me work the tools more consistently and made me take responsibility for my part in any dysfunction that was going on. Instead of wasting energy on being resentful it allowed me to focus it on myself and gain the confidence I so desperately needed.

Things might be difficult at first, but hang in there. I bet you will see an improvement. We will be here to help you through the rough spots  Being cool (click to insert in post)
Logged

Never to suffer would never to have been blessed ~ Edgar Allan Poe
maxsterling
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #8 on: July 11, 2014, 06:07:47 PM »

Thanks guys.  Emotionally and mentally, I still feel much freer.  It's quite apparent now that much of my anguish was internal.  While I was trying to use the tools, eventually I kept backing up against the wall of "what's the point?"   I think that is probably going to be the case for all of us who feel undecided.  We can use the tools all we want, try to improve things, but inevitably we feel like we are waiting for them to change for us to make a decision.  And eventually we come to a crossroads where we know we have to either commit further or run away.  And I think most people choose (or feel like they are forced to) run away.

I think in non-BPD relationships, this "waiting for a change" approach works adequately because there is a give and take from both sides.  We wait for signs that things are okay before wading in further.  And when both sides are doing this, trust builds and progress is made.  But when dealing with a pwBPD, it's really not prudent to wait for a change - pwBPD won't respond to any kind of "ultimatum", yet at the same time pwBPD also won't work to improve themselves unless they have motivation.  So, you are left with a stalemate:  they expect you to abandon them anyway, so they see no reason to do anything different, yet you want to see some kind of commitment from them in order to not leave them.  While most of us try to improve ourselves for our own long-term happiness, pwBPD just don't view the world that way.  They view it as "life sucks, so why bother." 

A good example of this came a few weeks ago in therapy, when she declared no point in doing any kind of household activities or contributions because she felt like it would be a waste of time unless she knew this relationship was going somewhere.  That "logic" floored me!  I think I would be safe to say that most of us go about life the other way.  For example, our jobs.  We don't expect to get a raise before we do good work, do we?  In her mind, the world works in that she will do good for others when they first do good for her.  Same goes with her meeting my family.  In her mind, "why bother building a relationship and meet his family before we get married?  If we don't get married, it's a waste of my time."  Yet, in my mind, meeting someone's family is part of the process to decide if you want to marry someone - it's part of getting to know each other.

Interestingly now that I have expressed my desire to marry her and announced it to others (my family and her family), she's happier, more positive, seems to be making more of an effort towards working, taking care of herself, and taking care of things in the house.  And she isn't on my case as much for incidental crap.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2014, 08:28:51 PM »

Sometimes I think this why my partner wont read a novel, she doesn't see the point if she doesn't know the conclusion. Cant enjoy the read without knowing what the "answer" is.

In general without immediate tangible gratification to a task, the effort is not worth it. Ideally if you can skip the effort and go direct to gratification it is even better in her eyes.

Just be careful that once the gratification has been provided that the promised effort is not followed through on, as its no longer essential to achieve the gratification.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2014, 08:37:36 PM »

Just be careful that once the gratification has been provided that the promised effort is not followed through on, as its no longer essential to achieve the gratification.

Keep marching to the beat of your own drummer, as she will undoubtedly march to hers

Get ready to rumba!  Have fun and make the most of it

Congratulations!

Logged
maxsterling
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2014, 09:17:46 AM »

Sometimes I think this why my partner wont read a novel, she doesn't see the point if she doesn't know the conclusion. Cant enjoy the read without knowing what the "answer" is.

This seems to be a general BPD symptom that affects all areas of life.  I can't think of a time where she has ever "enjoyed the journey".  I can extrapolate this to other areas - doesn't like to eat at restaurants unless she has eaten there before or know someone who has.  And once at restaurants, she almost always orders the same thing, again unless someone else convinces her otherwise.  She can't seem to grasp the idea of starting at the bottom in a career field and working her way up.  Losing weight at 2 lbs per week is excruciating for her.  She can't just be excited with progress. 

When I met her, I thought she was the complete opposite - a world traveler who liked to do her own thing.  But I've since learned that there is a method to that madness, and I don't think the goal was ever to simply enjoy the journey. 
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2014, 09:48:53 AM »

I guess an activity without a successful identifiable goal is undefined and can be associated with "grey" thinking as opposed to black/white, win/fail.

A lack of casual curiosity probably leads to that blinkered thinking which results in unworldliness.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!