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Author Topic: I am having a terrible time with the side effects of my BPDw's verbal abuse  (Read 523 times)
Samuel S.
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« on: July 11, 2014, 11:06:10 PM »

I am having a terrible time with the side effects of my BPDw's verbal abuse and neglect over the last 5 or 6 years. I understand about boundaries and how they are important to maintain. Yet, the side effects of constantly maintaining boundaries against my BPDw's verbal abuse and neglect have worn me down considerably. I am doing self-destructive behavior of overeating the wrong things and have gained some 15 pounds. How do I feel better? How do I stop myself from doing this?
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« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2014, 09:39:28 AM »

I am having a terrible time with the side effects of my BPDw's verbal abuse and neglect over the last 5 or 6 years. I understand about boundaries and how they are important to maintain. Yet, the side effects of constantly maintaining boundaries against my BPDw's verbal abuse and neglect have worn me down considerably. I am doing self-destructive behavior of overeating the wrong things and have gained some 15 pounds. How do I feel better? How do I stop myself from doing this?

Welcome to the club.  I'm still carrying and extra 15-20lbs or so.  For me food is comforting.

I tend to be able to hang on to a diet and take off 10-15lbs and then I stabilize.  I've been needing to get rid of another 10-15... and haven't felt like putting in the effort.

For me food is comforting... .and rewarding.  So... bad time with uBPDw... .have some good food.  Breakthrough in the r/s and things get better... .you guessed it... .have some food to celebrate.

Anyway... .for me keeping carrots around and things that I can eat without it impacting my weight is huge!

Make sure you are walking/exercising.

I've not found a magic answer... .

Hang in there!   
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2014, 09:48:53 AM »

I am having a terrible time with the side effects of my BPDw's verbal abuse and neglect over the last 5 or 6 years. I understand about boundaries and how they are important to maintain. Yet, the side effects of constantly maintaining boundaries against my BPDw's verbal abuse and neglect have worn me down considerably. I am doing self-destructive behavior of overeating the wrong things and have gained some 15 pounds. How do I feel better? How do I stop myself from doing this?

Are you seeing a therapist?  I found that with a therapists help I was able to set boundaries and stick to them. It was rough at first. She pushed and tried to break those boundaries but when she saw that I wasn't going to back down she respected the boundaries I set. I will be honest. It took me a.year of therapy and working on myself before I was able to do this. What I have learned from my relationship is you have to take care of yourself. Do the things you enjoy... .exercise read spend sometime alone and with friends. Anything that helps you relax and insist on it. 

I gained a lot of weight at first. I think she was trying to make me fat and seem less attractive to others. And I felt bad about myself due to the weight. Therapy helped  a ton.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2014, 10:54:51 AM »

I really had major reservations about wanting to put this post up, because it is so personal, but I finally chose to do so in the middle of the night with major reservations to help others and me in the process.

Thank you for your ideas. Indeed, I do exercise 4 to 5 times a week in the morning at a nearby gym after breakfast. It's just that later on in the day when I am alone, realizing how I have been duped, then, I go into a tail spin.

I enjoy movies a lot, but I will indulge in bad food and drinks there in order to attempt to satisfy a never-ending satisfaction, if you will. Yeah, the carrot idea is a good one, and I will do that, but there's no easy way to handle the hurt when I am by myself.

Yeah, I go to movies, see friends, teach, tutor, give some workshops, as ways to help people, but also to be around positive people. As much as I inspire them, they inspire me to want to do more of the same.

I am going to be taking a 3 day break, the first one in quite a few years, this next week and go to several amusement parks to be a kid, if you will. In fact, my BPDw encouraged me to do so, that I deserve to do so. Knowing how she is, while she says this, she invariably says when I am visiting friends, "Well, you know where I will be at - at work". So, this is just one small example that I can't really trust what she says.

When she goes out of town for their pseudo-therapy sessions with a medium-counselor or out with her D17, she only focuses on what she wants to do. If it makes her happy, fine, but I will never stoop to saying such things like what she says. It's a horrible mind game that she plays!

As for therapy, it has been an on again off again type of thing for me over the years. I feel somewhat better then, but my BPDw is so extremely focused on herself, all of the therapy in the world is not going to have her realize I am here. Whether I have therapy or not, it does not matter to her. So, I really do not think therapy is the answer for me.

As for therapy for us, she absolutely refuses to do so, because she is so busy with her work and with her studies, that she has no time for us. Yeah, this is from a woman who told me that I deserve only love and attention and that she is the best person in the world for me.

Well, thanks, guys, for your posts. I just wish there could be an easy answer, but there isn't.
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« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2014, 11:34:30 AM »

It took me three years and four therapists to find the right one for me. I had to shop around for a therapist and I finally found one that I liked and understood me. Therapy isn't for her to understand you or for her to see you. Therapy is for you understand yourself and make yourself stronger. Therapy for you isn't going to change her but it will change you and how you view and see yourself and the world around you.

For the evenings when you are feeling low you have to find a way to distract your mind. I built things read and went for walks. Try journaling at those times too. If you can write down how you are feeling you can learn what the triggers are and then start working on how to respond to the triggers. Journaling helped me a lot. I was able to vent and express my feelings.

Hang in there.
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« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2014, 12:37:45 PM »

As for therapy, it has been an on again off again type of thing for me over the years. I feel somewhat better then, but my BPDw is so extremely focused on herself, all of the therapy in the world is not going to have her realize I am here. Whether I have therapy or not, it does not matter to her. So, I really do not think therapy is the answer for me.

Just a thought... .how do you know things matter to her? 

Then maybe think through several things she can do... .any one of which would show that you matter.  You want to provide some flexibility here. 

Then... when she does as asked/agreed to... you can then see that you matter.

This suggestion comes from my personal experience... .I had asked her to keep me part of some decision making.  When she did that... .it was HUGE for me... .HUUUUUGE.

It was about the same time I changed some things that she asked.

Back to the food thing... .it is a constant struggle for me.  And... .when I give it... .I just enjoy it and try not to beat myself up too bad.  Sometimes... it's just what I need.

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« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2014, 12:47:33 PM »

The problem with the verbal abuse is that it makes us question ourselves. As we have been open an honest to them then we have armed them with the knowledge of our weaknesses. When they want to hurt us they know exactly where to aim for to cause the most damage.

What you need to do is realise that it is for effect and don't take it to heart (yes easier said than done I know) What worked a couple of times for me but I didn't realise at the time was agreeing with her. I had basically given up so couldn't be bothered arguing as I knew what she was saying was wrong.

Example

She said " Your a bad dad" I said "yes your probably right". She didn't know how to respond to this but later on said that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that I was a good dad.

I wasn't expecting this response but even though I was beyond the point of caring what she thought it still made me happy to hear her say it.
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« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2014, 01:15:19 PM »

Samuel S.,

I am having a terrible time with the side effects of my BPDw's verbal abuse and neglect over the last 5 or 6 years. I understand about boundaries and how they are important to maintain. Yet, the side effects of constantly maintaining boundaries against my BPDw's verbal abuse and neglect have worn me down considerably. I am doing self-destructive behavior of overeating the wrong things and have gained some 15 pounds. How do I feel better? How do I stop myself from doing this?

As for therapy, it has been an on again off again type of thing for me over the years. I feel somewhat better then, but my BPDw is so extremely focused on herself, all of the therapy in the world is not going to have her realize I am here. Whether I have therapy or not, it does not matter to her. So, I really do not think therapy is the answer for me.

you got to decide what you want - are you going to focus on her or are you going to focus on yourself?

Just imagine for a moment she realizes that you are "here". Can you handle her and the whole host of issues she carries with her? Possibly you could way back but right now?

You are struggling enough with yourself. That is understandable and all too common. Abuse has long term effects. Go over to the leaving board and take a look - their partners are gone and problems continue often for a long while. The level of problems you indicate are such that you bring the up and up again. You feel overwhelmed by them and you are not able to attack them in a structured manner. Having someone to coach you through this and keep you on track may be a good idea independent of what is going on in your relationship with her. Maybe the relationship with her will get better once you feel better again or maybe not and you "only" feel better yourself independent on how you do as a couple. But in any case

you deserve to feel better  , you can take steps to feel better and some guidance on that way may be of value.

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willtimeheal
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« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2014, 01:28:37 PM »

I keep quotes in my pocket that made me feel better and realize I was not the problem. When I felt bad or was struggling I would take out the quotes and read them to myself over and over again.  It was all struggles not just ones with my BPD.  Those quotes were a lifesaver for me. When I took control of my life and took my power back I even got my favorite quote tattooed on me. Now I can always look at it to give me inspiration and strength.
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« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2014, 01:32:27 PM »

you got to decide what you want - are you going to focus on her or are you going to focus on yourself?

Figured I would add a note of encouragement from a relatively new guy to the boards.

I'm currently on a an upswing in regards to how I feel about my r/s. 

I attribute that to me working on myself more than trying to get uBPDw to work on herself.

Once she saw my efforts... .that got her to make some more effort.

Then the momentum got going in the right direction.

I'm sure more speed bumps will come... .but I'm trying to enjoy the here and now... .and build up my knowledge for the speed bumps of the future.

Hang in there.  Many of the things you wrote... .I could have (and if you search my past posts... .may have) said. 

It can get better!   

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Fanie
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« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2014, 02:44:17 AM »

I have been following some (not all) of your threads, and

also replied to some of them (hoped it helped  Smiling (click to insert in post))

I can relate very well with you, because what is saw is a very heartsore

person feeling neglected and alone in his relationship - truth be told;  :'(  Smiling (click to insert in post)

We have not been intimate for 6 months now ! 

But I am not going to allow it to ruin my life not the lives of our 2 toddlers

I (56) am not going to discuss my issues now, I wish to try to give you advice from

what I have done so far:

  I bought some (intro) gym equipment and gym at home and enjoy every minute

  I am started to teach myself "art", painting as such (i'm not a good artist  Smiling (click to insert in post)

     but it give me a chance to vent in my own way)

      but I love to paint ! and I did one big painting, which is hanging in the lounge

  and i'm going to do tattoos  very soon

I also going to buy me a cruiser motorcycle - join a mc club and do some rallies ... .

That said I am not going to neglect my uBPDw - no way - But going to start looking at

myself - improve myself physically and psychologically

I am not doing it for her - I am doing it for myself

Now I said I'm not going to talk about me - then I talk about me   Smiling (click to insert in post)

True - What I mean to say is - START LOOKING AT YOURSELF !

You are a learned person  indulge in you tutoring, make your gym more enjoyable, write books,

do your thing, enjoy life (within our limits of codependency or whatever), join a church, grow a beard, start

something new - study more bout your subject, get your PhD, Buy a Harley, grow your hair, wear a bandana,

get to be who you want to be ... .

Do it for yourself, get your (2) problems of your mind ... .

JUST DO IT - FOR YOURSELF

(I did and by Gods grace, I am feeling so much better... .the heartsore is so much better)

May God Bless Buddy !

 

     
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« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2014, 02:47:36 AM »

PS

((We don't communicate at all

But I send a her a "i  you" sms everyday

She tries not to show - but I know she appreciate it))
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2014, 09:27:56 PM »

I am right now at the end of day one in which I am by myself and having fun without being on guard with my BPDw. I went to an amusement park and walked around a lot. It is so freeing not to be with her. She was the one who encouraged me to do this. She and her D17 will be taking their vacation next month by themselves. In the meantime, I have two more days to enjoy and to relax. I wish it would be with her, but it looks like that's not possible for at least another three years, if ever.
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« Reply #13 on: July 15, 2014, 10:26:35 PM »

I remember when I was working on the "tools" and was forgetting to live for me. The endless let downs and disappointment saw me sitting up later at nights and milking my time alone after she went to bed. But then sabotaging with a glass or several wine. This became a habit and I had to pull myself up before the drink became a medication rather than a treat.

A result of try hard followed by let down expectations

My change for the better came when I stopped living "my stuff" as an alternative fallback for "us" not doing things. Now I can do both without one being a substitute for the other. It was also obvious that was the way it was going, so I didn't enjoy it the same and my partner saw it as a threat>insecurities> more conflict. Now my Stuff & our stuff coexist and we can enjoy them with little guilt or conflict.
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« Reply #14 on: July 16, 2014, 11:14:46 PM »

This is the same thing I have struggled with for the over 10 years I have known my DBPDw.  When she is at a low, she is verbally abusive and says the most horrible heart wrenching things to me.  And yes, I have slowly put on about 35 pounds of weight during our marriage and taken solace in food, and that has given her one more hurtful bit of ammo, telling me how fat I have become in our marriage.  Worse than the verbal abuse is her destruction of "things" in our house, throwing glass figures that are sentimental to me, ripping oil paintings that mean something to me, pulling my glasses from my face and crushing them in her hands, and then saying how much she hates me, is disgusted by me, and has hated me our whole marriage.  The next morning... .she acts like nothing even happened.  After so many years of this, I am very much a weary, overweight, sad man, that used to me a trim, happy, life of the party.  Geez, enough about me in your thread, sorry to go on, what I meant to focus on, is I can understand what you must go through at times.  All the best to you. 
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« Reply #15 on: July 17, 2014, 03:11:01 AM »

A lot of this has to do with depression and sense of helplessness
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #16 on: July 17, 2014, 11:43:03 PM »

I had a splendid 3 day break with very little contact with my BPDw, just 3 texts and 2 times talking with her on the phone.

Now that I am back, she just started complaining about this and that. Nothing, not a word, about my 3 day break. Yeah, it's all about her again, but when it comes to her being away which has been frequent, it is about how joyous it is for her and nothing about our relationsip.

George2, I can relate to you so very much so. Yeah, I have gained weight, and I realize I am using bad food and bad drinks as crutches. It's just that it is hard for me to control myself. Indeed, Waverider, it is about feeling depressed and feeling helpless.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #17 on: July 18, 2014, 12:04:19 AM »

BTW, before I went on my trip, she was somewhat enthusiastic that I should go on this 3 day break. In order to appease her, I did some things after returning to help around the house--all within the span of a couple of hours, but, of course, there was and never has been any recognition of that at all.

Frankly, being back fromi a vacation, perhaps even a permanent vacation, sounds much more appealing than what I am experiencing now.

BTW, I have an acronym for 'VACATION': Void All Chaos And Take In Outstanding Nature". Yeah, voiding this chaos and being in outstanding nature which I have this last 3 days sounds much more appealing.
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