Codependent's and therapy

[Youcantfoolme]

Not really sure where to post this but I'm hoping someone could help. From what I've been reading, borderlines and codependents go together like peas and carrots. Reading about codependents, I realized my brother may very well be one and that may explain why he always seems to attract the type of women, who tend to take advantage of him and control him. I would think as he grew older, he'd learn from his mistakes and be more capable of recognizing the signs but unfortunately he hasn't. His current wife is far more controlling and manipulative than anyone else he's dated in the past.

After only two months of marriage, he recognized that something wasn't quite right in his relationship. He confided in my mom, then in me, that he thinks his wife has BPD. He also sort of acknowledged that he has an "issue" too. He decided to go to therapy, " to learn how to deal with his wife". He went and picked a LCSW and after his first session, he got in a huge blowout with his BPD wife. This was when he told me about her suspected BPD.it was also the first time we spoke, in months. We haven't spoken since either. Anyway, she got really angry because he didn't want to discuss what he and the LCSW spoke about in their session. That set her off into this rage where she was screaming at him, and being completely irrational. She started to threaten him and kick him out of the house. This was when he showed up at my home. She was calling his phone non stop. One call after another. I've never seen anything like it. Finally he answered and she told him to come get his ___ off the front lawn because she was done! What I witnessed that day, not only made me feel very concerned for his well being, but also confirmed that there's something terribly wrong with his wife.

Anyway I found out later, that his wife was also upset at the fact that he picked a female therapist. She made him stop seeing her and wanted him to go see an older man, who had more "life experience". He said she thought men were just better in general. She also wanted to select the person herself! This concerns me. For starters, maybe he picked a woman because he felt he could open up to a woman more than a man. He and my father, didn't have a very close relationship and I don't think my brother feels comfortable talking to men in that way.

I know people with BPD would go to DBT or a person with OCD would see someone with CBT experience, but what do codependents see? Is there any special type of therapy a codependent should seek out?

In all honesty, it doesn't seem like the therapy is helping him out. If anything, he seems to be more tangled into her web.

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[Reforming]

Hi Youcantfoolme 

I've been thinking about this recently myself and I'm sure that some of the senior members can probably give you some good advice on possible therapy.

I'd suggest you begin by doing a search on this site for codependency and read some of the posts from senior members.

There's also a suggested reading list which includes a book called Co-dependent No More which was written by Melody Beattie.

www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Beyond-Codependency/dp/1567312187

I've just started reading another book which gets good reviews on Amazon called The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us

In terms of therapy I favour evidence based therapy, CBT and Schema but I'm sure that others here can suggest alternatives.

It's sounds like your brother is self aware enough to recognise his own issues which is a great start.

If he hasn't visited the site it's worth suggesting he joins up. It's a brilliant resource for those of us looking for support, information and healing

Good luck

Reforming (slowly)

[123Phoebe]

Hi Youcantfoolme

There's also a suggested reading list which includes a book called Co-dependent No More which was written by Melody Beattie.

www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Beyond-Codependency/dp/1567312187

The book Reforming suggested was basically the gateway book for me in recognizing my codependency.

Here's the kicker though... .  I wanted desperately to better my life.  No one else could do it for me.  No one else suggested it to me, I sought out help on my own because I realized I was the common denominator in the dysfunction and got tired of worrying about what the other people in my life were doing or did or might do... .  What was I doing?  How did I get here?

Taking the focus off other people and applying it to myself was the beginning of this journey... .  And being able to recognize when I start going down that same route of focusing on others (to the detriment of my own life). 

How are you doing?

[Reforming]

I think Phoebe is spot on. Taking responsibilities for our own actions and choices is the key to moving forward.

But a good T can also be a great help.

I've read some posts by another member whose circumstances had similarities to yours. It might be worth reading her posts

pallavirajsinghani I hope you don't mind if you if I refer to your posts.

The best of luck

Reforming (slowly)

[Youcantfoolme]

Thank you for the suggested reading material. I suppose we are all sort of codependent in ways. I guess some are just more than others. Recognizing the problem is half the battle. A HUGE half! My brother has struggled with this in every relationship he's gone through.

I don't know if this applies to all codependents but it applies to him, it's sort of an oxymoron because when reading about codependents, they're described as "people pleasers". My brother seems to only be a "girlfriend pleaser". He never really does anything for anyone else. He's not one to offer to help you if you need it. He's not very thoughtful either. In general, he's pretty selfish in that way. He expects everyone to help him but never offers to help others, however, when it comes to a girl he is dating, he's a HUGE people pleaser. He goes way beyond and above the call of duty. All he does is worry about making that person happy even at the expense of others comfort and happiness. He expects everyone else in his life to get on board with whatever he wants for his girlfriend too. For instance, one night we went out to dinner with him and his ex. We wanted to order a bottle of wine for the table. Everyone at the table wanted red wine but my brother insisted we all order white because that's what his ex liked to drink. Instead of just ordering her a glass of white wine, he expected everyone else to sacrifice their own desires to please his girlfriend. I know wine seems like such a petty and insignificant thing, but that's how it always was. Everything had to revolve around him and his girlfriend. Is this common?

[Reforming]

Hi Youcantfoolme

Everyone is different and I'm not expert but his behaviour doesn't south particularly healthy

I suppose the challenge for him is to become responsible for his own healing.

This site is a great platform to begin and somewhere where he can get lots of information and encouragement.

Keep reading and posting

the best of luck

Reforming (slowly)