Dealing with fear of abandonment

[Depression = 72% of members]

So we're on the 3 hour drive home from up north and my uBPDw decides to use my escape-proof situation to throw issue after issue at me.  There was 1 hr 45 minutes where I said little, other than "the book ("High Conflict Couple" says don't make things worse, I'm not going to let you bate me into an argument".

A few time she asked some non-emotional questions... .

Her: I'm getting my hair cut, should I get it cut differently?

Me: No, I like your hair

Her: Should I get it colored blonder?

Me: No, I like the color of your hair

Her: Well I think you like blonds and you'd be happier if I were blond

Me: The book says don't make things worse, I'm not going to let you bate me into an argument... .

However one big issue for us is my liking to read.  At first she said she didn't like books with sex scenes (I'm more the Sci Fi/Tom Clancy/murder mystery type, so sex scenes were few and far between... .).  Then it was anything describing females (She stretched across the car and her shirt clung to her body... .he thought Damn, she's sexy).

During the drive she said that type of description "makes her feel this way" because I may rather prefer that fictional woman to her.

So she's semi-aware of her fear of abandonment, but when I we read the High Conflict Couple she says she can't talk "without judgement" because she thinks (judges) my reading that type of description is wrong and if I murdered someone she wouldn't talk about it without judgement... .so how can she talk about reading without judgement.

OK, so we're only on chapter 6, but when she doesn't feel the book is helping because I'm not taking her feelings into account (only way I could would be to stop reading) and I try and tell her it's a way for us to talk, not a way for her to get what she wants does anyone have any advice on how to go beyond SET and finally agree to disagree?

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

So we're on the 3 hour drive home from up north and my uBPDw decides to use my escape-proof situation to throw issue after issue at me.  There was 1 hr 45 minutes where I said little, other than "the book ("High Conflict Couple" says don't make things worse, I'm not going to let you bate me into an argument".

A few time she asked some non-emotional questions... .

Her: I'm getting my hair cut, should I get it cut differently?

Me: No, I like your hair

Her: Should I get it colored blonder?

Me: No, I like the color of your hair

Her: Well I think you like blonds and you'd be happier if I were blond

Me: The book says don't make things worse, I'm not going to let you bate me into an argument... .

However one big issue for us is my liking to read.  At first she said she didn't like books with sex scenes (I'm more the Sci Fi/Tom Clancy/murder mystery type, so sex scenes were few and far between... .).  Then it was anything describing females (She stretched across the car and her shirt clung to her body... .he thought Damn, she's sexy).

During the drive she said that type of description "makes her feel this way" because I may rather prefer that fictional woman to her.

So she's semi-aware of her fear of abandonment, but when I we read the High Conflict Couple she says she can't talk "without judgement" because she thinks (judges) my reading that type of description is wrong and if I murdered someone she wouldn't talk about it without judgement... .so how can she talk about reading without judgement.

OK, so we're only on chapter 6, but when she doesn't feel the book is helping because I'm not taking her feelings into account (only way I could would be to stop reading) and I try and tell her it's a way for us to talk, not a way for her to get what she wants does anyone have any advice on how to go beyond SET and finally agree to disagree?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Allmessedup]

Hey is it her or is it me

My gf and I worked thru the book at my insistence.  Well rather I read the book and then she did.  I loved it... .she hated it.  Said that it didn't help her one bit basically and that too it didn't apply to her feelings.

My response was that I didn't read it for her but for me. 

Which is true.  I can only work on me.  She has to choose to work on herself in the way that is right for her!

At first I was frusturated.  I got a lot out of the book and it was disappointing that she didn't. However she is a different person than me and that's ok.

Surprisingly she ended up using some of the skills in the book to deal with me eventually so I think that's progress:).   

It's a tricky situation that you were in in the car.

My response would usually be to turn the question around on her actually.

shoukd I get my hair cut a different way?

Me: well what do you think you should do?  I love you much more than for the way you wear your hair.  Are you uncomfortable with the style you have now?  Why is that?

That sort of thing.  Usually it off sets a argument, but then again my gf does not have the jealous behavior that usually you see with BPD. 

Amu

[waverider]

Often when being bombarded with questions, rather than just clamming up start asking related questions back so she can expand on what she is thinking. The closer you can get to the real issue the easier it is to deal with. Otherwise the prodding goes on until there is conflict on something totally unrelated. In which case you will be helpless.