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Author Topic: Blow Up Over the Weekend... Still not Speaking... When do you know you're done?  (Read 408 times)
LilHurt420
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 138


« on: July 14, 2014, 08:39:41 AM »

My husband had an awful blow up this weekend, and it honestly leaves me so disgusted by him I don't even want to look at him.  Thursday night he did not come home.  When he finally walked in at 6am he told me had gone to the casino.  Years ago he used to do this and tell me that, but he wouldn't really be at the casino, he'd be out cheating and staying the night at whatever girl he was with's house.  So he knows this is a huge problem not only that he stayed out all night, never once called to tell me he was doing so, and tells me he's at the casino.  I was so mad at him and explained to him pretty calmly why.  We had an ultrasound Friday morning (I'm pregnant) to find out the gender of our baby (it's another boy!).  He still came and embarrassed me dozing off in the waiting room and ultrasound because he hadn't slept.  He went to work after the ultrasound and I had to pick him up.  When he came home he was being pretty nice to me and him and I were on speaking terms.  I had to go pick our 5yo son up from camp and I had promised him I'd bring him a balloon (pink or blue) so he knew if he was going to have a brother or sister.  I was trying to ask my husband to come with me so he could see his face, but he didn't feel the need.  Instead he tried to get me to have sex with him before I left.  I told him honestly I was mad about him not coming home first AND I didn't want to be late and not be able to get the balloon.  He got pissed and got up ironing clothes to leave again.  I tell him he must be cheating again and she could have him, I'm not going through this again... .and I left.

I start getting texts from him calling me all types of names, going into nasty details why he's glad we're not having a girl because she'd be a whore like her mother.  And just really nasty bad things (this is his go to whenever he's mad).  I told him I hated him and to just leave me alone.  He continued the texts but I ignored him.  He never came home that night either.  My son and I kept busy and stayed out the house most of the weekend.  Yesterday I got news my grandfather is dying.    My family was going up to the hospital to see him, and I couldn't find my ultrasound pictures.  I asked my husband, and because I had an "attitude" he told me he ripped them up.  I start crying and explain how my grandfather isn't going to be alive by the time the baby comes and I just wanted to show him the ultrasound.  My husband just keeps on calling me names, and throwing stuff around, telling our son I'm so awful and calling me so may names.  When I tried to leave he ripped my dress off of me and was screaming and yelling.  Again I tried to leave and now that he realized how bad what he's done is, he's trying to calm me down because I tell him I'm calling the police.  I finally get to leave and come home later that night.  He comes home around 11 and thinks I'm supposed to just sit down and forgive him because now he's sorry and knows he needs to change.

How many times can I hear that?  I'm so disgusted by him I wish I could have nothing to do with him anymore honestly.  And I can see his attitude coming on since I'm not just saying "ok no big deal" and hugging and kissing him.  I'm tired of doing that.  Nothing ever changes so why should I just forgive his awful behavior.  But if I don't, he'll eventually start doing all this again because he'll be mad I'm not forgiving him.  It's an awful catch 22.

When do you know when you're just done?
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itgirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 4 years living together
Posts: 195



« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2014, 05:21:35 AM »

That is a very hectic situation to be in.  Honestly I don't know if I would be able to handle such behavior from my partner.  Staying away the night before the ultrasound seems very disrespectful. 

Hopefully others that have experience with this will chime in and give you some advise.

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rl669
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« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2014, 06:17:02 AM »

That is a very hectic situation to be in.  Honestly I don't know if I would be able to handle such behavior from my partner.  Staying away the night before the ultrasound seems very disrespectful. 

Hopefully others that have experience with this will chime in and give you some advise.

Serious question - why do you stay?
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LilHurt420
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 138


« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2014, 09:47:25 AM »

That is a very hectic situation to be in.  Honestly I don't know if I would be able to handle such behavior from my partner.  Staying away the night before the ultrasound seems very disrespectful. 

Hopefully others that have experience with this will chime in and give you some advise.

Serious question - why do you stay?

I have stayed this long because I do love him, though he's really testing that lately.  Other than that we are married, have been together 10 years, and have a son and another on the way.  I think one reason I've stayed through the years is the fear of giving up and letting someone else have him, but I've realized lately that though it would hurt me for him to be with someone else because of course in the beginning he'd seem so great to him, he wouldn't be able to hide this from them forever and then their lives would be just as bad off as mine.
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rl669
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« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2014, 12:34:06 PM »

Just so you know, from a complete outsider's perspective, this is pretty much the worst level of abuse I can remember hearing about on these boards. This goes way beyond what most of us have to deal with.

There must be three or four things in your post any one of which would be the final straw for me. I honestly respect you for apparently being able to feel love for someone who would treat you in that way.

I wish you all the best.
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LilHurt420
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 138


« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2014, 02:59:51 PM »

Just so you know, from a complete outsider's perspective, this is pretty much the worst level of abuse I can remember hearing about on these boards. This goes way beyond what most of us have to deal with.

There must be three or four things in your post any one of which would be the final straw for me. I honestly respect you for apparently being able to feel love for someone who would treat you in that way.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you... .I needed to hear that
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refusetosuccumb
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Seperated, on way to divorce
Posts: 163



« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2014, 03:01:35 PM »

You just... .know.

I put up with a lot of crap from my ex because I loved him and wanted to save him from himself.  But I can't do that.  Once I saw my children starting to suffer from his antics, I felt like I was on a plane going down and could only save some of us, not all of us.  I have 2 chidren, 2 hands.  I chose to save them.  Their dad is still struggling and not doing the greatest, but my kids and myself are thriving in the calm and the lack of chaos and drama.  I can focus on them, I can pour all my nurturing into them without splitting it up amongst a 40yr old man that refused to do anything to help himself.

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wishfulthinking
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 372



« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2014, 03:21:04 PM »

I've had to call the police on mine 3 times.  I don't know if I'm done yet or not.  Mine rages to the point of physical rage.  The texts are not as often as they used to be, him being without a phone when he broke it helped break him of that. I am making sure I am doing what I need to do and I am not trusting him in any way right now.  After 2 Sundays ago, I need my space to think.  He has been understanding and he has been self reflecting, but who know how long that will last.  He understands that I kicked him out and I had every right to.  I had him removed by force by the police.  Because of his actions, he has borderline lost me and he is hurting over that and knows he cannot continue the way he has... .he has even thanked me for calling the police that day.  ALL THIS IS FOR NOW, WHO KNOWS WHAT 10 MINUTES FROM NOW WILL BRING.  I know all it will take is for someone else to hurt his feelings and I will be the target.  I have a lot to think about right now.  We have been having conversations, but that's it for now.  The physical is out of control.  I had my shirt ripped off me once by mine back in November.  It was very scary.  I know what you are feeling with that.
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maxsterling
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2014, 04:07:29 PM »

Fist of all, this is very serious abuse of physical, emotional, and verbal nature.  I think it is at least one level more serious than most of us here have experienced.  And any more than this would probably mean serious injury.  So be careful.

Second of all, considering the nature of his anger, I'd strongly advise against verbally defending yourself by telling him you hate him, calling him names, or calling him out on his crap.  You have every right to be steaming mad, but considering his anger and potential for violence, calling him out will do you NO good.  You are better off just leaving until he cools down.  You don't want to escalate things any more than they are, and when he is that angry there is ZERO chance he will be receptive to any thing you have to say.  My advice is to do your best to avoid him for awhile to give you a chance to regain your strength and sanity.

He apologizes and says he will change.  Are his apologies reflective of the damage he caused, or are they the "I don't know why you aren't talking to me, I'll apologize in the hopes to win you back" type?  Does he say how he will change?  Perhaps when he is calmer, you can state to him, "I care about you, but I was very scared over last weekends incidents, and I am still scared.  If you want to be with me, I need to know what steps you will take to change, because I cannot allow myself or my son to be exposed to this again."  And if that triggers another rage, grab your keys and get the hell out of there.

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LilHurt420
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 138


« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2014, 09:15:28 AM »

Fist of all, this is very serious abuse of physical, emotional, and verbal nature.  I think it is at least one level more serious than most of us here have experienced.  And any more than this would probably mean serious injury.  So be careful.

Second of all, considering the nature of his anger, I'd strongly advise against verbally defending yourself by telling him you hate him, calling him names, or calling him out on his crap.  You have every right to be steaming mad, but considering his anger and potential for violence, calling him out will do you NO good.  You are better off just leaving until he cools down.  You don't want to escalate things any more than they are, and when he is that angry there is ZERO chance he will be receptive to any thing you have to say.  My advice is to do your best to avoid him for awhile to give you a chance to regain your strength and sanity.

He apologizes and says he will change.  Are his apologies reflective of the damage he caused, or are they the "I don't know why you aren't talking to me, I'll apologize in the hopes to win you back" type?  Does he say how he will change?  Perhaps when he is calmer, you can state to him, "I care about you, but I was very scared over last weekends incidents, and I am still scared.  If you want to be with me, I need to know what steps you will take to change, because I cannot allow myself or my son to be exposed to this again."  And if that triggers another rage, grab your keys and get the hell out of there.

His apologies seem sincere, but I don't trust him.  He hasn't given me any steps he's going to take to make a change, he just says he knows he has to or he'll lose me and he knows that means that even if I don't physically leave him he will lose me mentally in this marriage.  He has seemed to be understanding at my distance in the last few days, but I can tell he's getting frustrated.  He keeps hugging and kissing me, and he can tell I'm not feeling it and not really reciprocating.  I'm just taking it day by day.  Between this and money issues (also caused by him) I feel like I'm at a breaking point.  Today on my lunch break I am going to call therapists.  I seriously feel I need to talk to someone.
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JohnLove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2014, 07:22:13 PM »

Yes. The apologies are delivered very sincerely... .but are they genuine?. You don't trust him because you've already experienced this?.

I am alarmed by your descriptions of events. You have not been treated very well. Love is action... .and I don't mean forced hugs and kisses. They are an act. I feel he is testing the waters after treating you so very poorly.

It's not just the descriptions. It's the context. You are pregnant. This is no way to treat somebody you love and your unborn son or daughter.

He knows he will lose you?... .well of course?... .if he himself can recognise his behaviour as abuse why wouldnt he?... .but will that be before or after you lose yourself?.

A therapist will focus on you and your needs and what's healthy for you. Something your partner is seemingly unconcerned with. I have been here. I am deeply sorry for your situation.

You are absolutely on the money when you say you seriously need to talk to someone.

I hope you find the clarity you are seeking. Keep posting.
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