Dealing with medical concerns in a pwBPD?

[coasterhusband]

I'm just full of questions this morning!

My dBPDw has been having a range of physical/medical issues for at least a year, probably longer. In my opinion, her approach to solving them has been incredibly lacking, and flat out scary for her long term survival.

She has a general practitioner who is really a Nurse Practitioner (rarely seeing the actual doctor). This NP guessed for months at the issue, calling in random tests and getting nowhere. My wife largely just gave up and accepted the ongoing daily pain, rather than moving to another doctor.

About 6 months ago, she was diagnosed with some pretty intense stuff by her OB/GYN. This doctor (and her office staff) have proven time and again not to give a passing care about her as a patient, instead opting for nonsense recommendations (let's just waiting another 6 months... .if you want to actually talk to the doctor about the bad lab results, schedule an appointment... .it'll take a month to get in). It goes on and on.

I have two things I need help with:

1. I'm trying to understand the weird "authority" issue I've seen with my wife. She's got some weird issue with authority figures, like these medical people, where she takes them at their word as though they are gods. She won't question, dig deeper, or generally act in her own personal interest if the doc has said she needs to do something. But then when she finally realizes it's that bad, she's immediately without question or discussion done with them. She finally got mad at her OB/GYN's nurse last week and said she was done and wanted her records. But this was in the middle of a change of birth control pills and my wife was scared to change in the middle of this process. She refused to just call them back and say "I don't want to change, please call in a prescription for the old one". Despite being angry at the doc for not paying any attention, she still bows down to their authority. Help me understand this, because I certainly don't!

2. I am genuinely scared that the lack of attention to her health is going to cause real, life threatening/ending problems. But I'm not allowed to discuss it. I feel like I'm living out the video "it's not about the nail" (google it, it's amazing). But the problem with that video is that at some point, the nail needs to come out of the skull or THE WOMAN WILL DIE. I can support all she wants, but at some point, I wish I could communicate that I am honestly afraid MY WIFE IS GOING TO DIE because of the way she's approaching her healthcare. How do I deal with this when I've already had spoken and written messages to her saying that I'm scared, I'm wanting to help, and as an outside observer, I'm seeing that she's not aggressively looking out for herself. (Nicer, but that's the point)

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[rj47]

You didn't mention if the medical conditions have exacerbated the PD. I've been in your situation a long time. My BPDw has several serious auto-immune disorders, severe anemia and various food intolerances that have damaged her GI function. She's also been on pain meds for many years. About five years ago her conditions flared to a point that she could no longer work, isolated herself and became mostly shut-in. The affects on her PD were startling. The despair of her isolation and spiraling health turned to anger driving the PD demon into a near daily frenzy. I'm surprised that the health issues have not aggravated her emotional condition. If not; you are fortunate.

For decades she accepted the direction of her doctors without question. However, 18-months ago I was so concerned we might lose her to the conditions or suicide that I pressed her to seek help from doctors outside the mainstream. Her PD was flaring up every few days and out of control to the point that I feared for my own safety. Finding a functional medicine specialist that ran an extensive battery of tests she found multiple infections and major food intolerance. After 8-months with that doctor we terminated the relationship. She was in far worse condition, near dementia and had developed bi-polar conditions during the course of treatment. A friend suggested a Naturopathic Doctor. Willing to try anything, we retained him and reran the same battery of tests and ended up with a dramatically different course of treatment. I was shocked that two different health care specialist could design dramatically different treatment base don the same test results. She had developed terrible monthly bleeds that the specialist MD had overlooked (simply prescribing progesterone). The Naturopath forced her to see her Gynecologist to check her breast and uterus. She found fibroid tumors in her breasts and in her uterus that had developed in less than a year. Her gynecologist at first almost refused to work with her Naturopath claiming "he's not a real doctor". Now she's referring other patients to him. He's now my wife's lead health consultant working with her rheumatologist, internist, gynecologist, pain doctor and PCP.

I learned not to discount this non-MD Naturopath as he knew more about physiology than any doctor I have met in the past 20 years (and we've met a lot). We've also spent a great deal of money out of pocket, have discovered and corrected several serious conditions, and, still are struggling in other areas. But; we keep at it. She's come back from the precipice and is trying to control the emotional swings, but its very very hard. I don't know that we would be together today, but for the knowledge that she was a dealt a terrible situation with her health that has caused the PD to spike in terrible ways.

Mostly what we have learned is... .trust no one. My wife is a professional patient. It simply means she's been a patient for most of her adult life and won't put up with BS from any doctor. She's been dealing with her conditions for longer than several of them have been alive. Her Naturopath does not have all the answers, but at least he listens and seeks constant feedback. I have friends that are MD's and have great respect; but, if your wife's doctors are simply prescribing to treat the symptoms and not listening... .get rid of them immediately.

Also, if she won't educate herself then, you do it. There is a wealth of information available if you're willing to do the research.

Hope this helps a bit. Hang in there bro.

[maxsterling]

Interesting, I deal with the opposite.  In my case, she doesn't want to trust *anyone* and thinks they are all quacks. This includes her psych doctors.  I'm the one with the "walk it off" attitude toward my heath, and trust my doctors.  But then again, I rarely get more than a cold or allergies.  But she is always on my case about going to the doctor for this or that.  One exception was the dentist.  I went to a dentist, thought they were ripping me off, and told her I was going to find a new dentist.  She accused me of making excuses.  (the new dentist was 1000s of dollars cheaper, and said my teeth were fine)

My issue is her not wanting to do anything for her health on her own.  She wants others to do it for her.  She wants doctors to fix her, she doesn't want to do the work.  She won't exercise, despite that every doctor tells her it will help her with her various issues.  She doesn't want to take her meds.  She wants immediate results, and if she doesn't get them, she blames the doctor.