days of rage

[tristesse]

some of you know my back story and are aware that we have been expecting a new baby to our family, my ds and his gf were the ones expecting a baby. Well our little bundle of joy has arrived, and her birth has somehow caused my dBPDd to go into crisis.  gd was born July 9 at 11:58 PM, This was 20 hours of terrible labor and resulted in the birth of a blue baby with umbilical cord around her neck. She is fine now, but it was a scary moment. I will try and fill in the blanks now.

dh and I were camping at a local campground knowing that they were planning to induce labor on the 10th, as it turns out labor started on its own on the 9th. The birth plan was that I would be at the hospital with ds and gf along with her mother, I was the one filming and photographing labor and delivery.  my BPDd called multiple times throughout the day because I apparently didn't give frequent enough updates. Things started to get rough after about 15 hours and we were told there was an issue with the baby etc. BPDd still kept calling, even after I told her that I would let her know as soon something changed or as soon as baby was here.

I did call immediately following the birth, since it was so late at night I told BPDd that I would bring her to hospital next day to meet the new baby, she seemed fine with that at the moment. at 10:00 am BPDd and I went to hospital to see baby, keep in mind she is a 30 year old, not a child. We were at hospital for about an  hour, but the new mommy was exhausted so we left. 20 hours is a long time to labor after all.  All the way home BPDd complained about not getting enough time, I explained that since they live with us, she would see baby every day, but rest was important and there would be other visitors,  she herself should understand since she has a child of her own.

baby came home on Friday and BPDd has been out of sorts ever since. She has raged at her father and me about anything and everything. Saturday she was angry because I had come to the house from the camper and did not stop and buy her any cigarettes, so she yelled for about 10 minutes so I left, later on Saturday she called and began screaming again about how I do nothing for her, she got so worked up about this that she started talking about cutting her wrists and overdosing etc.

I call 911 and headed to my house, when I arrived there were of course police cars, fire trucks and an ambulance in front of the residence. I walked in to my daughter calmly talking to an officer, acting like she had no idea why they were called, when they left, she looked at me very cynically and said, I can play the game, I heard the sirens and knew your stupid a$$ called , so I washed my face and sat at the table with beads and acted like I was working on a project, she smirked and said, and they were dumb enough to buy it.

later on in the evening she was angry because ds and gf will not allow to sit and hold the baby all day, and require her to wash her hands and wait 20 minutes after smoking before she holds the baby. She agrees that this is a reasonable request, but is relentless in her requests to just sit and hold the baby. she is making snarky comments about how she disagrees with their ideas and that she isn't going to ask, shes just going to hold her if she wants to, etc. I explained that it is their baby and their decision, and we must respect them as parents,  I reminded her that she requires us to respect her parenting choices and she needs to respect their parenting choices, but she just keeps yelling.

She has had fall out after fall out, the entire day yesterday was fraught with tension and her yelling and crying. Now she is jumping from wanting to hold the baby at all costs to nobody cares about me, I am as worthless as the dirt on the bottom your shoes, nobody even cares about me or how I feel. It just keeps going on. I have tried SET, and JADE, but nothing is helping. I have tried listening to her, and for 30 minutes she called me a c-word and a whore, and every other dirty vile thing she could think of, then she switched gears to crying and wanting to die, about feeling worthless and unloved etc.

no matter what I said or did, it backfired and made it worse. I am sorry, but I don't want o live like this, I love my daughter, more than you could imagine, but I feel like I am not the right person to help her. She seems to have given up on type of recovery, and I am a nervous wreck all day every day waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.  

What do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

This sounds like a nightmare Tristesse- she is obviously very threatened by the new baby and the attention your DIL and DS are getting.

I think they are right to stick to their boundaries with her.

SET is an excellent guide to how to talk with her.

JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain and is what not to do! It was what I tended to do before I came here and what I still tend to do if I don't stop myself.

It is sad that this is spoiling your first few days with your new grandchild.

I think you can only validate the valid and use SET.

Your DIL needs rest and I would encourage her to take the baby and go for a lie down-also remove yourself if DD rages?

Having done your best with SET and listening with empathy I think you can only step back and allow natural consequences.  and   for the little one.

[tristesse]

Hi Lever,

I was very distraught when typing this post, and some of what I typed doesn't quite read it how I meant it. when I said I used I used SET and Jade, I meant I sed set and did not JADE, I would say something but would not re-say it or justify it etc. It was a rather jumbled rambling post, and I apologize for that, it is hard to get feed back when I give confusing information.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

I will continue to try with her because I love her, but she is certainly a difficult person to live with.

[lever.]

I'm sorry I misunderstood you Tristesse and I'm not surprised you were feeling distraught.

I really feel for you as I have been caught up in similar situations.

When it is just myself being attacked I find that I am getting better at regulating my feelings and using the skills, however when it involves other vulnerable family members I do find myself explaining and negotiating.

I hope that validation and reassurance helps your daughter and that this difficult situation calms down.

[HealingSpirit]

Oh my Dear Tristesse,

I have been thinking about you a lot. I noticed you haven't been on in a few days and figured it was because of the new baby. CONGRATULATIONS!  I'm glad the baby is healthy after such a scare.

I'm just so sad to hear the baby's homecoming was pretty much what you could have expected with a pwBPD in the house.  What a nightmare! You just never get a break, do you?

I agree with Lever that you already did the right thing using SET with your DD.  And I'm sure that was good judgment on your part to call 911, even though your DD made a game out of it. At least she knows you won't mess around.

Since I've been responding to my DD with SET, it isn't a cure-all, but it DOES help keep ME from escalating.  But I'm more successful at it when I'm well-rested and grounded. Not easy for you right now, given your circumstances. Doing whatever you can to keep yourself grounded is important so that you can consciously respond, not react automatically. ( I'm saying this to you because it also helps ME remember.  I have the same issue. )

Your BPDD does sound pretty extreme on the spectrum.  I don't blame you for being stumped by what to do. This really is a mental illness we're all dealing with, and your DD sounds very ill at the moment.  I know you want to help your DS and his new family. And you love your BPDD and you want to be there for her and your GS.  But is there some way you can put a limit on your BPDD's behavior?  I don't know what the solution is. Only you know what you're willing to tolerate. It just seems like something has to give, and there is no shame in that.

You have my support no matter what you choose to do. You are so brave and strong, Tristesse.

[tristesse]

Thank you to my BPD mates, I appreciate all of you.

My dd and I had an emergency phone session with her t today, she helped us both gain perspective and understanding. My dd suffers ptsd with her BPD as well as a few other issues, this be baby triggered her ptsd. She herself had a veryvtraumatic delivery, and then her son was air lifted to hospital that could care for him, he was born with PPHN, she was unable to go to him immediately due to her own circumstances. When she was able to go she was not able to touch or hold him, it was 18 days before she was able to bond and connect with him. So although this was not her baby it is a baby that was greatly anticipated by her and her contact is being regulated and controlled by others... .triggering the Ptsd. She and ds and gf talked about the situation tonight and they are willing to work with her if she is willing to give in return, she agreed. I hope this all works out, but I know there will be hiccups.

[Winifred]

For the sake of everyone, but especially the baby, you need to get the daughter out of your house. No one deserves to live like this. Yes, you may have to send her onto the streets, but BPD's are resourceful. She will survive. Have a sit-down meeting with expectations and consequences written out. Make it simple. Set the boundaries. A new-born baby needs peace and quiet, so no screaming, foul language, or acting out. First violation sends her out the door. Give her a list of shelters and the phone number of the local crisis clinic. Be prepared to call the police for assistance. And stick to it! Over the years, our daughter has stormed out into rainy night, we've told her to get out of the car because of a raging attitude, she has assaulted her father, threatened me with a knife, and I could go on. Boundaries and limits! Think about the baby -- you can tolerate abuse, but the baby can't. it's your responsibility to protect that innocent child from emotional trauma. Stop attachment disorder before it starts! Otherwise you may have another BPD on your hands down the road. Been there, been there. We may be seeing the fruits of our 20-years' efforts. All I can say is that boundaries and limits have saved us and our granddaughter. Please consider not living this way any longer!

[Rapt Reader]

Thank you to my BPD mates, I appreciate all of you.

My dd and I had an emergency phone session with her t today, she helped us both gain perspective and understanding. My dd suffers ptsd with her BPD as well as a few other issues, this be baby triggered her ptsd. She herself had a veryvtraumatic delivery, and then her son was air lifted to hospital that could care for him, he was born with PPHN, she was unable to go to him immediately due to her own circumstances. When she was able to go she was not able to touch or hold him, it was 18 days before she was able to bond and connect with him. So although this was not her baby it is a baby that was greatly anticipated by her and her contact is being regulated and controlled by others... .triggering the Ptsd. She and ds and gf talked about the situation tonight and they are willing to work with her if she is willing to give in return, she agreed. I hope this all works out, but I know there will be hiccups.

I'm really very glad that you were able to have that Therapy session today (well, it would be yesterday, now), tristesse, and that you daughter was able to get those insights! I'm also impressed that you were all able to talk about it--that your daughter allowed the feelings to be verbalized, and that your son and his girlfriend were willing to listen to her and be empathetic. You have a loving family, and it really is possible to make this work if your daughter is able to regulate herself enought to see the other side of the situation also. How is your grandson handling the situation? Is he happy to have a cousin? That would be a blessing... .

Now that her Therapist is in the loop, maybe your daughter will have another session soon? I truly hope you are all able to make peace with this somehow... .Winifred is right that the baby needs a peaceful environment, and if your daughter can understand the importance of that and feels close to the baby (by being allowed to interact with her), this could be a win-win for you all 

[tristesse]

Hi Rapt Reader

My GS is very excited to have A new cousin, and he is very gentle and loving. He loves to sit and stare at her, and comments regularly that she is so beautiful, and he baby talks to her, which I find adorable.

BPDD has an actual in office appointment on Wednesday with her therapist and another scheduled for the 22nd already. She knows she was out of control, and she took the initiative yesterday and made the call, no prompting or pushing from anybody. She was overwhelmed with sadness and anger and didn't understand why.

DD also understands the way ds and gf feel, she has apologized to them for her behavior, and they accepted the apology.

Both DS and GF know of her BPD and have both read about it and researched it, DS is actually very good at SET and is a pro at setting boundaries and then sticking to them. He is far better at both than I am. He is a very loving and caring young man, and I applaud his courage and strength.

GF has only been around for the past 4 years, so she is not as familiar with BPD, but is willing to learn, and willing to accept this part of my dd, I love her caring soul.

I am hopeful that with continued effort, we will get through this.

[Rapt Reader]

tristesse, that sounds really hopeful, and maybe this baby was/can be the catalyst for your daughter to realize that her problems are bigger than she is and that getting help and into recovery is best for her (and everyone else!). I'm really glad to hear that things have de-escalated since the baby first came home 

Interestingly enough, everyone's rock bottom (that leads to the epiphany I mentioned above) is different--my son's was getting arrested for the first time in his life and seriously contemplating suicide right afterwards--and maybe she didn't need to be homeless or destitute or on the verge of suicide for her rock bottom to happen. I pray and hope that she's at that turning point now and will find her way to recovery because of it... .Good luck, and keep us updated, OK?

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Tristesse,

Your post made my day!  How wonderful that your DD realized SHE was out of control and is seeking help on her own. That is very encouraging, and if your DD is truly willing to work on herself, maybe this really can work out. I hope her therapist is able to give her enough insight and validation to stick with it.

Have I told you how much I admire your devotion and commitment to your family?  You are there for them, no matter what!  They are all very lucky to have you!   

Like you said, there will be hiccups, but we're all here for you when they happen.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Healing Spirit,

The members here on this site mean the world to me. I feel so much better just being able to vent to people who understand, and the advice is always helpful. I have learned and am learning so much here, and it is just such a relief. I hope that one day I can be a member with a success story, but until then, I will continue to lean on those with the knowledge, experience and understanding. I often feel like giving up, but know that I never will, my heart won't let me.  I thank you for always being supportive and caring.

[jellibeans]

tristesse

I am sorry the arrival of the baby has upset things for your dd at home. My dd doctor gave me meds for when my dd is out of control in hopes she would take it at a time she was unable to calm herself. I believe it was risperal (sp)... .she has never agreed to take it but I have offered it a few times when she was raging. Just a thought. I find that is sometimes the hardest thing... .getting them to calm down. My dd does have viseral now and asks for it when she is upset... .this is really a first but she has asked for it several times this summer. I know meds are not the answer but at times they can help.

I think one other thing that might help is to spend some time with her... .give her the extra attention she is needing right now. I find that my dd doesn't do well with change... .it will take time but I hope she will adjust soon.

[peace in steel town]

First of all, congratulations. Interesting post. Dd seems to be quite clear headed when she played the police and fire department. People under emotional distress don't usually think that clearly, this sounds well thought out and executed. Keep us posted how the babys doing

[MammaMia]

Tristesse

It is great that your dd is seeking help.  I am impressed.

Your new granddaughter may turn out to be a blessing for the family... .after all, who can resist a baby?  She may be motivating dd to modify her behavior so she can be near her, and since your GS has already accepted her, that is another positive for dd.

Keep us posted. There may be better days ahead for everyone. This is a good start.