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Author Topic: 2 Days Without SO coming home... going on the 3rd  (Read 505 times)
Sylvia76

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« on: July 15, 2014, 02:24:10 PM »

My BF and I had a HUGE disagreement on Sunday because he thought I was trying to flash his brother my underwear... .though I was wearing a skirt with shorts built in. Actually, he was shopping with me when I picked it out, I tried it on, he approved, and I've worn it several times in front of friends and family.

Immediately he told me he "wasn't pleased with me" and that my outfit was "highly inappropriate".

Then he told me "don't even talk to me".

Well, I lost it and poked the bear because he was accusing me of something I flatly didn't do (as luck would have it the VERY SAME incident occurred with his ex-fiancé and that's why he asked for the ring back - flashing).

I told him that I'm not going to be treated badly and given the silent treatment over something I didn't do and that my daughter and would be leaving if that's how he's going to treat me.

Well, he left and hasn't been home for 2 nights.

No correspondence, either.

What do I do from here - just wait for him to decide he's ready to deal with me?

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refusetosuccumb
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Seperated, on way to divorce
Posts: 163



« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2014, 02:48:32 PM »

I think a better question is to ask yourself why you are dealing with him?

My ex used to disappear for days at a time when we were arguing as well.  It got to the point where I no longer cared what he was doing.  I think he was trying to "punish" me by making me worry.  When I stopped worrying he stopped punishing.  Not healthy, but that was his game.

Has he done this before?
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Sylvia76

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 37


« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2014, 02:50:36 PM »

He's given me the silent treatment on a regular basis and he's left for a few hours but he's never plain not come home for 2 nights.

I really don't know what to expect when he does - will he be apologetic or ask my daughter and I to leave?

This has been so stressful.
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refusetosuccumb
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Seperated, on way to divorce
Posts: 163



« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2014, 02:57:46 PM »

Is he the father of your daughter?  I take it that you live in his home?

I'm not going to tell you what to do, we all need to come to our own conclusions.  I'd suggest reading up on the Coparenting thread to understand how BPD partners can end up affecting children.  No one is perfect and I certainly am not.  But BPD is a unique set of problems that affects everyone involved.

I'm truly sorry you find yourself in this situation.  All I have is a   and a   for you.
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Sylvia76

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 37


« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2014, 03:11:43 PM »

Thank-you so much!

He is not the father of my daughter but she lives with us every other week because of custody.

I feel the worst for her because she knows something is wrong but not what... .and I don't know how to tell a 9 year old what's going on.

I will definitely check out the thread you suggested - I'll take all the help I can get!

The silence is awful.

I texted 2 nights ago asking him to please come home and last night asking the same.

I will not contact him tonight should he decide not to come home.

I know I can only handle me and how he works himself out is up to him... .it's just so frustrating that he doesn't see or care about the damage he's doing to my daughter or me.
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refusetosuccumb
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Relationship status: Seperated, on way to divorce
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« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2014, 03:16:02 PM »

My kids know their dad is mentally ill.  I've never labeled it (heck, I didn't even know what BPD really was until the past few months) but we've never hid the fact that he is "different" from other dads.

My ex loves his kids.  When he's not dysregulated, they have a lot of fun with him.  He's not a provider, or really a role model, he's ":)isneyland dad" where it's good times to be had.  But there have been some weeks where they haven't heard from him at all, other weeks where they see him twice in one week.  I've had mine in therapy (they are now 10 and 7) and that seems to have helped tremendously.  Kids just need to be reminded that this isn't their fault, they can't make it better OR worse. They just have to be kids and know that mom (ie me) is always stable for them.

What a tough spot you are in.  I really feel for you.  Just remember you have choices, not necessarily the easiest or the most comfortable.  Once we decide we have no choices, we really don't have any.
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Sylvia76

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 37


« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2014, 03:20:09 PM »

These past two days have been hard for her since we moved in with him. She knows it's "his" house and she's wondering why he isn't there.

I fibbed and told her he's been working really early and late but she's still sad because she feels he doesn't want to see her.

I'm doing my best to keep her busy and have fun with her but it's tiring to keep up the face at work, at home, everywhere.
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ziniztar
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



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« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2014, 04:27:02 PM »

Sorry to read you're in te midst of a silent treatment. Those are the worst.

What helped turning mine around was a twofold text message:

"I will give you space as you are clearly idicating you need it. I will give you that. If you want to come home you are of course welcome. If I don't hear from you, I will get back to you in (3?) days to check how you are doing."

1) send a message that you understand he needs space

2) show him it's ok and safe to come back once the Guilt/Shame/Fear kicks in

If he contacts you, keep repeating the same message.

pwBPD give silent treatments for several reasons

- to punish you

- to punish themselves

- to hide from the person that hurt them to prevent further damage

You don't know his motives, don't try to.

When did you two get together?

Know that there are people who understand what you're going through  
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123Phoebe
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2014, 07:03:42 PM »

Hi Sylvia,

Do you know if your BF is okay?  Could he be laid up somewhere?  I'm under the impression that you've heard nothing at all about his whereabouts from anyone, going on 3 days now; is this correct?

If he's doing this to 'punish' you, it's a bunch of bs on his part.  Can you live with this sort of thing?

I think I'd want to make sure he was healthy and alive, choosing not to come home for whatever reason, then take it from there on how to proceed with the relationship.

Hang in there and sorry you're in this predicament
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Sylvia76

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Posts: 37


« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2014, 02:57:58 AM »

We have been together a little over a year.

I sent him messages the past 2 nights telling him I love him and asking him to please come home. No response.

I know he's OK because we work together but his job keeps him on the road so he has been getting there before I do, leaving after I do, and staying who knows where.

I did reach out to a friend of his and she thinks I should be patient while he's "in a funk" but this is the pits. He gives me the silent treatment regularly but has never chosen not to come home.

He comes home during the day to shower and change but that's it.

My daughter goes back to her father Friday so she'll be out of the fray if he decides to come home this weekend.

I did prepare her that we may have to move and she's sad but taking it so well because she still has me.

I honestly don't know if this is a break up, if he's mad, or if he's ashamed to come home at this point.
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123Phoebe
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2014, 06:10:30 AM »

I honestly don't know if this is a break up, if he's mad, or if he's ashamed to come home at this point.


What are your honest thoughts and feelings about this?

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Sylvia76

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 37


« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2014, 08:07:12 AM »

My very honest thoughts are that on the one hand I know he's dealing with something he can't really control. He doesn't know how to regulate his emotions or how to express them. I also know he doesn't like confrontation and he has abandonment issues from childhood.  I've noticed we have our "tiffs" when I defend myself against an accusation, when I stand up for myself (ie telling him I will not tolerate his treatment of me), when I express an opinion counter to his, or when I do something he deems "unacceptable".  To me these are all attempts to control his environment and since I'm in that environment... .it's an attempt to control me.

That being said, I don't think he's going about the situation the right way at all.

He claims to have always been looking for love (you wouldn't believe the amount of self-help books he has on the subject of finding and attracting true love) but I don't think he knows what "love" truly means.

It can't be all one way or his idea of it - it has to be commingling of ideas and personalities and acceptance of one another.

I really and truly do love him and am doing my best to be patient and level.

I don't think it's a breakup - I think it's an attempt on his part to control himself and the situation.

I believe that he thinks if he strings me along long enough that I will forgive and forget all because I'll be so grateful he's back.

I can forgive but I don't know that I will ever fully trust him or feel safe in the relationship again.
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LilHurt420
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Posts: 138


« Reply #12 on: July 16, 2014, 09:40:11 AM »

My husband has done this to me before, and even did it this past weekend (he hadn't done it in a while until this weekend).  When he used to be doing it, he'd pick a fight with me over something stupid then leave.  I found out much later he was cheating (not saying that's what yours is doing, as not sure how often this happens for you).

Why do you stay with him?
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Sylvia76

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 37


« Reply #13 on: July 16, 2014, 10:14:26 AM »

I asked him point blank if that's what he's doing and he said no... .so I believe him.

I really do love him to bits but this session of 3 nights missing and no end in sight is starting to wear on me.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this to myself, really.

I had to show up at our house, unannounced, in order to even get that as a response.

As soon as he answered I left.

I'm starting to feel disgusted by him in general but I'm trying not to because I know he can't control his emotions.

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LilHurt420
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« Reply #14 on: July 16, 2014, 10:46:14 AM »

I asked him point blank if that's what he's doing and he said no... .so I believe him.

I really do love him to bits but this session of 3 nights missing and no end in sight is starting to wear on me.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this to myself, really.

I had to show up at our house, unannounced, in order to even get that as a response.

As soon as he answered I left.

I'm starting to feel disgusted by him in general but I'm trying not to because I know he can't control his emotions.

Again... .not to say this is what he is up to (because with BPD you truly never know).  But my DH would out right deny cheating too.  One time he got so mad he raged on me knocking me over into a table because he say how me accusing him of cheating reminded him of when he was little and his father would accuse him of doing things he didn't do and it made him so upset.  But the whole time he was still cheating.

I also am starting to feel disgusted by my husband.  I feel this is the worst place to be in relationship wise.  Even though my husband has returned and is apologizing, I still feel disgusted by his behavior.

I wish I had better advice... .sorry.  I also struggle with when my breaking point will be.
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ziniztar
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



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« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2014, 05:09:52 PM »

I'm starting to feel disgusted by him in general but I'm trying not to because I know he can't control his emotions.

Why are you trying not to feel disgusted?
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