Exhausted... but could be worse

[nowwhatz]

Hi Everyone.

I have not posted for a while but to keep it short here are where things are.

Bpdgf moved in with me about 5 months ago. My college student son also lives with me.

I work from home and do about 40% of my work in the field, have sometimes crazy hours in a small service related business. (always on call sort of thing). My work requires a lot of energy.

Bpdgf has better medication than ever before and has regular visits with psychiatrists.

Bpdgf is almost completely unemployable due to recent inexplicable problem with the law last year which left her with a felony conviction, and will probably be classified as disabled soon. She qualifies for almost every govt benefit it seems at this point.  For years and years she worked very hard in job field but now can't work so big change for her.

The good news - she wants to be well,  is repentant about her stupid crime, has been generally very easy to get along with and is displaying no extreme behavior whatsoever.

The bad news mainly is my condition.  She demands constant attention and wants me to be with her every moment I am not working. I am feeling exhausted and find myself not taking part in my creative hobbies and interests very much since she has been hear.

I try not to cater to her and generally don't take any crap... .and know how to say "no."  Sometimes this leads her to say things like "you don't love me like you did before."

I don't have a ton of complaints other than the r/s is a little boring and my limited free time now includes spending time with her instead of doing some other things I might rather be doing.

She doesn't really do a lot but helps out in the house a bit.  I think the meds have slowed her down. I don't have any resentment towards her for any thing she does or does not do in the house... .she is super clean and a hygiene freak (ok by me)... .I sometimes get the feeling like maybe she doesn't want to be here but thinks she has to be here... .but sometimes she will say "if you don't want me here just tell me and I will find a place to go."

Am thinking about talking with her about that and asking if she would be happier if she had her own apt (no, I would not be paying for it) and seeing what happens.

Any thoughts or input is appreciated.  thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KateCat]

Thank you for the update, nowwhatz. I remember your struggles well and never expected to see a post of yours that had the word "boring" in it.

Board advisors say over and over on this forum that sometimes the roller coaster ride comes to a stop, leaving the riders to look upon each other with completely different eyes. Yours is the first report I've seen that sounds like a confirmation of this possibility.

If I remember correctly, the woman who had you in such knots not long ago also had other boyfriends, a husband, criminal charges pending and a threat of deportation hanging over her. . . . What a change!

[nowwhatz]

Thank you for the update, nowwhatz. I remember your struggles well and never expected to see a post of yours that had the word "boring" in it.

Board advisors say over and over on this forum that sometimes the roller coaster ride comes to a stop, leaving the riders to look upon each other with completely different eyes. Yours is the first report I've seen that sounds like a confirmation of this possibility.

If I remember correctly, the woman who had you in such knots not long ago also had other boyfriends, a husband, criminal charges pending and a threat of deportation hanging over her. . . . What a change!

Katecat thanks for your reply and sorry for the delay in posting again.

Yes, you are correct. The issues described in your last paragraph have all been resolved.

Most of her drama has significantly disappeared. Now that she is here and I have apparently gotten what I thought I wanted the excitement is pretty much gone, and I don't know if I can continue with the r/s.

It is difficult to describe but I can say I am genuinely not happy and am becoming more and more fatigued.   My sense at this point is that she would like to be elsewhere and is tired of the r/s but has nowhere to go.

She is not working but does help around the house to an extent but is largely stuck in the bedroom doing nothing.

It seems like since she has been here other parts of my life including my work are beginning to unravel.

I feel like I walk on eggshells because of her condition. She has said she is uncomfortable around my son which doesn't make it easier.

Well that is my complaint fest for today.   I can go on and on but I guess I have to sleep in the bed I made for myself (with her).

[waverider]

Thank you for the update, nowwhatz. I remember your struggles well and never expected to see a post of yours that had the word "boring" in it.

Board advisors say over and over on this forum that sometimes the roller coaster ride comes to a stop, leaving the riders to look upon each other with completely different eyes. Yours is the first report I've seen that sounds like a confirmation of this possibility.

If I remember correctly, the woman who had you in such knots not long ago also had other boyfriends, a husband, criminal charges pending and a threat of deportation hanging over her. . . . What a change!

Katecat thanks for your reply and sorry for the delay in posting again.

Yes, you are correct. The issues described in your last paragraph have all been resolved.

Most of her drama has significantly disappeared. Now that she is here and I have apparently gotten what I thought I wanted the excitement is pretty much gone, and I don't know if I can continue with the r/s.

It is difficult to describe but I can say I am genuinely not happy and am becoming more and more fatigued.   My sense at this point is that she would like to be elsewhere and is tired of the r/s but has nowhere to go.

She is not working but does help around the house to an extent but is largely stuck in the bedroom doing nothing.

It seems like since she has been here other parts of my life including my work are beginning to unravel.

I feel like I walk on eggshells because of her condition. She has said she is uncomfortable around my son which doesn't make it easier.

Well that is my complaint fest for today.   I can go on and on but I guess I have to sleep in the bed I made for myself (with her).

I get this its as though a switch has been turned off. Unfortunately some pwBPD can not just coast along with normal speed they are either flat out or switched off. Obsessive or no interest. Their inabilty to maintain low level interests/hobbies/ambitions means they get no reward either. This can slip in to depression.

Simply being around this attitude to life saps your own energy. It feels like you havce to start "forcing' yourself to do things in order to keep moving rather just naturally moving forward. Like paddling through mud to get anywhere. The fun just gets sapped out of everything and resentment sets in, to rub it in you dont feel like you can justifiably point the finger at anyone else either. You just don't feel like doing anything anymore.

It is really generally neediness and navel gazing you are dealing with. It is hard to hold respect for someone that simply lacks effort. You become a carer not a partner. Complete lack of effort in anything is what I am dealing with at the moment. You can "accept this" but it leaves a hole in the RS were respect and admiration should be.

[nowwhatz]

Thank you for the update, nowwhatz. I remember your struggles well and never expected to see a post of yours that had the word "boring" in it.

Board advisors say over and over on this forum that sometimes the roller coaster ride comes to a stop, leaving the riders to look upon each other with completely different eyes. Yours is the first report I've seen that sounds like a confirmation of this possibility.

If I remember correctly, the woman who had you in such knots not long ago also had other boyfriends, a husband, criminal charges pending and a threat of deportation hanging over her. . . . What a change!

Katecat thanks for your reply and sorry for the delay in posting again.

Yes, you are correct. The issues described in your last paragraph have all been resolved.

Most of her drama has significantly disappeared. Now that she is here and I have apparently gotten what I thought I wanted the excitement is pretty much gone, and I don't know if I can continue with the r/s.

It is difficult to describe but I can say I am genuinely not happy and am becoming more and more fatigued.   My sense at this point is that she would like to be elsewhere and is tired of the r/s but has nowhere to go.

She is not working but does help around the house to an extent but is largely stuck in the bedroom doing nothing.

It seems like since she has been here other parts of my life including my work are beginning to unravel.

I feel like I walk on eggshells because of her condition. She has said she is uncomfortable around my son which doesn't make it easier.

Well that is my complaint fest for today.   I can go on and on but I guess I have to sleep in the bed I made for myself (with her).

I get this its as though a switch has been turned off. Unfortunately some pwBPD can not just coast along with normal speed they are either flat out or switched off. Obsessive or no interest. Their inabilty to maintain low level interests/hobbies/ambitions means they get no reward either. This can slip in to depression.

Simply being around this attitude to life saps your own energy. It feels like you havce to start "forcing' yourself to do things in order to keep moving rather just naturally moving forward. Like paddling through mud to get anywhere. The fun just gets sapped out of everything and resentment sets in, to rub it in you dont feel like you can justifiably point the finger at anyone else either. You just don't feel like doing anything anymore.

It is really generally neediness and navel gazing you are dealing with. It is hard to hold respect for someone that simply lacks effort. You become a carer not a partner. Complete lack of effort in anything is what I am dealing with at the moment. You can "accept this" but it leaves a hole in the RS were respect and admiration should be.

Waverider,

It is hard to respect myself for being in this situation.

Yes I was told by a friend to first decide if "this" is what i want,  if so then he said I have to accept a "caretaker" mentality and just deal with it.

The good news is I am not taking anything personally but I wonder if this is because I have just become used to all of it.

Trying to encourage her to get out and do a hobby or something... .to get out of the house.

The cynical side of me wants to say she is here out of convenience, no place to go etc., and in a normal r/s this situation would probably be a correct description.

Not sure where this will go but something will need to change or I feel like I will do down the drain.

[KateCat]

nowwhatz,

Is she divorced now? I know it's not easy for you to let go of a sense of responsibility for her, but if she's got a husband still . . . .

[nowwhatz]

nowwhatz,

Is she divorced now? I know it's not easy for you to let go of a sense of responsibility for her, but if she's got a husband still . . . .

Yes she is totally 100% divorced and her criminal proceedings ended up with a favorable outcome for her. the ex husband of out of the picture.  There are no other guys in the picture at this time.

[Ceruleanblue]

This is a new one for me. I'd never heard of BPD going from one extreme to the other. I'd be joyous if my uBPDh did that. I'd love some calm, and some peace. I can see why it's hard for you to get used to though. I've wondered sometimes if I've become so used to the drama if I'd miss it if it was gone. I like to think I wouldn't.

It sounds like she went from one set of issues to another. It does sound like she is dealing with a lot of changes though too, and maybe she is doing her best? You sound like you have a lot of compassion for her, but she can probably sense your questioning if this is what you want. I'm not BPD, I'm sure my husband is, but he recently told me he only halfway wants to be married to me. As a woman, I can tell you that does a big number on me. I think that would hurt and worry anyone. I didn't marry him, put up with all he's thrown at me, only to have HIM leave? I'm sort of indignant, and hurt by the whole thing. As you can tell.

I'm always learning about this disorder. It's good to hear it can settle down. I guess it's just a matter of what you want. You both have to be happy.

[waverider]

Whatever you choose to do, you need to make sure it is your choice so it is easier to live with, rather than just go on living the life of least resistance by default. I think that is where we start to loose our self respect

[KateCat]

Yes she is totally 100% divorced and her criminal proceedings ended up with a favorable outcome for her. the ex husband of out of the picture.  There are no other guys in the picture at this time.

And here I thought I was going to be able to give some simple, grandmotherly type advice about the wisdom of returning to first principles and letting a broken husband and a broken wife conclude the business of their own limping marriage.

But I think waverider's got it nailed.

[nowwhatz]

Yes she is totally 100% divorced and her criminal proceedings ended up with a favorable outcome for her. the ex husband of out of the picture.  There are no other guys in the picture at this time.

And here I thought I was going to be able to give some simple, grandmotherly type advice about the wisdom of returning to first principles and letting a broken husband and a broken wife conclude the business of their own limping marriage.

But I think waverider's got it nailed.

That would be nice if it were still the case but now we are stuck with each other.  Not sure what to do but waverider is right.

[waverider]

To do nothing is also a legitimate choice, just so long as it is a considered decision rather than just an ongoing state of indecision, then a degree of acceptance comes with it. The grass is not always greener, but it helps if you have investigated the possibility and discarded it.

[nowwhatz]

To do nothing is also a legitimate choice, just so long as it is a considered decision rather than just an ongoing state of indecision, then a degree of acceptance comes with it. The grass is not always greener, but it helps if you have investigated the possibility and discarded it.

Well, my doing nothing has resulted in something:

Now she is asking me to help her get an apt "only for a couple of months."  Then she will have a job or social security disability. Says it will "help our relationship."

I can't really afford to help her get an apt and I don't want to be responsible for anything that may happen if I "helped" her.

Not sure what to tell her or what to do. I am inclined to tell her to get a job and save for her own apt.  I have tried to avoid her all weekend and tonight agter she told me this today. She continues to say my son makes her nervous.

This is offensive to me because i know my son and he is harmless. I am starting to get angry with her and having a hard time not doing something immature.

I hope i can sleep on it and discuss with her more tomorrow.

[KateCat]

What if you were to imagine your son taking a life lesson from the actions you take now? (I'm thinking he's seen what has led up to this moment and will benefit from seeing his dad use this predicament and his strong emotions to make good choices and to maintain his integrity.)

Are you presently your girlfriend's only means of support? Is she eligible for any short-term county or city funds as she plans for a more permanent future? Maybe you can set some timelines for her to begin this problem-solving.

Can you be at peace if she returns to her usual ways of funding her life?

[nowwhatz]

What if you were to imagine your son taking a life lesson from the actions you take now? (I'm thinking he's seen what has led up to this moment and will benefit from seeing his dad use this predicament and his strong emotions to make good choices and to maintain his integrity.)

Are you presently your girlfriend's only means of support? Is she eligible for any short-term county or city funds as she plans for a more permanent future? Maybe you can set some timelines for her to begin this problem-solving.

Can you be at peace if she returns to her usual ways of funding her life?

Katecat she is virtually out of options.

I did tell her I cannot afford to get her an apartment and don't think it would solve any problems.

Over the weekend 2 of her hyper-educated family members visited for one day from Mexico (one of them a professional psychologist).

I asked the gf today if she felt like she was in physical danger from my son. She said yes. Although obviously an irrational and offensive distortion of reality on her part I 'validated' it and said ok that is how you feel.  Then I asked her if she shared how she feels with her psychologist relative over the weekend and, if so, what was the outcome.

She said verbatim: She told me to get into immediate therapy and to involve myself.

I told her to do it asap.  I also said in a normal situation if a person is living in a home where they fear there is a physical threat then the normal and safe thing to do would be to leave immediately.

Then I got the I have not place to go speeeel.   I did not argue  but instead tried to share my personal experience where recently I reacted irrationally in a work matter (worried and stressed for days) and it turned out that I was totally wrong for worrying... .how my thinking was distorted and affected my behavior.

I asked her if we were living together alone (without my son) if that would be fine (not that my son is going anywhere) and she said yes and seemed sincere.

In my "normalness" my first reaction is to consider her fear of my son as an excuse but I see she really feels uncomfortable and is sincere albeit delusional.

This ended with a call to action... .basically a s__t or get off the pot moment.

I said in the nicest way I possibly can I am taking action (will get myself in therapy and explore possibility of having my son checked out)... .now are you gonna do what your psychologist relative told YOU to do?

Anyhoo that is where I left it.

[nowwhatz]

What if you were to imagine your son taking a life lesson from the actions you take now? (I'm thinking he's seen what has led up to this moment and will benefit from seeing his dad use this predicament and his strong emotions to make good choices and to maintain his integrity.)

Are you presently your girlfriend's only means of support? Is she eligible for any short-term county or city funds as she plans for a more permanent future? Maybe you can set some timelines for her to begin this problem-solving.

Can you be at peace if she returns to her usual ways of funding her life?

Katecat she is virtually out of options.

I did tell her I cannot afford to get her an apartment and don't think it would solve any problems.

Over the weekend 2 of her hyper-educated family members visited for one day from Mexico (one of them a professional psychologist).

I asked the gf today if she felt like she was in physical danger from my son. She said yes. Although obviously an irrational and offensive distortion of reality on her part I 'validated' it and said ok that is how you feel.  Then I asked her if she shared how she feels with her psychologist relative over the weekend and, if so, what was the outcome.

She said verbatim: She told me to get into immediate therapy and to involve myself.

I told her to do it asap.  I also said in a normal situation if a person is living in a home where they fear there is a physical threat then the normal and safe thing to do would be to leave immediately.

Then I got the I have not place to go speeeel.   I did not argue  but instead tried to share my personal experience where recently I reacted irrationally in a work matter (worried and stressed for days) and it turned out that I was totally wrong for worrying... .how my thinking was distorted and affected my behavior.

I asked her if we were living together alone (without my son) if that would be fine (not that my son is going anywhere) and she said yes and seemed sincere.

In my "normalness" my first reaction is to consider her fear of my son as an excuse but I see she really feels uncomfortable and is sincere albeit delusional.

This ended with a call to action... .basically a s__t or get off the pot moment.

I said in the nicest way I possibly can I am taking action (will get myself in therapy and explore possibility of having my son checked out)... .now are you gonna do what your psychologist relative told YOU to do?

Anyhoo that is where I left it.

At this point if she doesn't take responsibility soon I will have to kick her out.  

[nowwhatz]

When I returned from my work today I found the BPDgf had packed all of her belongings in garbage bags and ready to leave.

She ran out of meds two days ago and annoyed me with some of her her behavior. I took a personal break from her by basically ignoring her last night and all day today. She said she thought I was going to kick her out so she packed up her stuff.

Her stated reasons for not wanting to be in my house is that she is uncomfortable around my son and afraid of him.  This is delusional and hurtful to me as my son has never done anything to her (his only crime is being a shy teenager who spends too much time on the computer like many teenagers).

Today when she left I asked her to say goodbye to my son and my son was very surprised and visibly saddened.  Later I mentioned my son's reaction to the gf and she said she could not see it because she doesn't know him. I had to explain to him later that the gf is struggling with emotional problems and moving in with family.

I dropped the gf off at her sister-in-laws apt where she will stay for a few days.  If you have been following my story you know the gf was convicted of a crime a few months ago. She had to tell her probation officer where she was going to be. She asked the probation officer for help as she can only stay with the sister-in-law a few days. The probation officer is supposed to get her to some kind of women's shelter but told the gf it will be filled with drug addicts etc.

I did ask the gf to take a few days to think about what she is doing (she is uncomfortable around my son but she will soon be in a shelter with druggies carrying a pursefull of anti-psychotics and anti anxiety pills)... .but she was determined to leave.

While saddened I respected her decision and drove her to the relative's apartment.

Well... .I have to say only a few hours without her hanging around my house doing nothing but being demanding and delusional is rather peaceful.

I hope my peace will continue and I will be able to focus on improving myself and I hope the gf will benefit from the upcoming experience and get into therapy.  She will be sleeping on a couch tonight in a small apt with 6 cats (she is alergic and asmatic) instead of my sleep number bed.

She can never come back here. I did not break up with her even though I am dismayed that she continues to use my son as an excuse for her bad behavior... .so I guess I am still in a r/s with her.

I am looking forward to a peaceful night's sleep in my bed and not walking on eggshells.

I will not be calling her or checking on her. She is big girl and is on her own.

That is all for now.