BPDexgf b-day should i buy a present "from" 2yrold son?

[Saskatchewan]

So Im a single  parent with 3 kids from a previous marriage and we always make sure not to miss special occasions with their mother. I always supply gifts because I know the kids want to give them.

My 2 yr old son with BPDexgf is obviously not part of the discussion but my 11yr old daughter brought up the idea of a gift from the little guy to his mother.

Any thoughts on the matter? Anyone ?

Is this a pitfall? Am I setting myself up for some sorta negative interaction?

[woodsposse]

 

Here is my humble opinion.

Yes, you are setting yourself up for interaction.  Whether it is negative or not (pitfall or not) there will be interaction.  If you are prepared for it (positive or negative)... .then go for it.  But it will happen.

Would I do it? Nope.  Not in a million years.  But that is just me.

(By the way, I went through hell and back with my ex and our kids, I finally got custody of all three of them - and that is when the hell really began.  I worked really really hard to keep the negative interactions to a dull roar... .but they do still continue to this very day even though the children are adults.  So... .I kinda know the area in which I relay my opinion).

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

[MommaBear]

In my experience, I have our little one MAKE her father gifts for such occasions.

He's ruined every one of my birthdays and every mother's day as well. I've tried to buy him nice things from our kid, and he responds by either refusing to accept it, or either getting me and the little one nothing (birthdays and Christmas, for instance), or something useless and another reminder of how little he knows me after nearly a decade, and his own child for the last 2 years.

This way, it costs me nothing, and I don't teach our child to devalue their father.

And if he doesn't want it, well then, he can throw it out. Doesn't cost me a cent, and while it hurts to see him place so little importance on something our child made, I try to remind myself that it's further proof that I need to be the strong, level headed parent.

I think you'll have to explain to your older children how, in some cases, limits, or in this case, boundaries, are in everyone's best interest, and as such, your ex won't be getting something particularly nice for her birthday.

Just my 2 cents. Hope this helps!

[Panda39]

How about sending her a Birthday Card with the little guys handprint in it, that way you could keep your distance and she receives something from him. Otherwise I wouldn't do anything until your son is older and he initiates the idea himself and at that time I would go mommabear's idea of helping him make something for her.

My SO's uBPDex tends to return or exchange store bought items so why waste the money just to get your feelings hurt? 

[Turkish]

We're all going to have slightly different experiences since our pwBPD are different... .the common thing being BPD.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all, and if your 11 year old came up with the idea, then you are obviously instilling in them good values, and these values will be passed onto your son.

I had my kids "make" a card for their mom on Mother's Day. I pulled some pics from FB (since I blocked her back in Nov... .I rarely share pics on my time with her), pasted them into a card, wrote some short nice things on it. With a 2 and a 4 year old, I pretty much made it. I think the idea of the hand print or trace is a good one.

I never got an acknowledgment that I got her the card. What was I expecting? A response. Even a polite, short one. I think on our side, we need to take care of our own emotions. As my T said about uBPDx in a way, "accept her for who she is." Thus I shouldn't have been surprised.

I recently had to go to her apartment for the first time since she moved out in February (I rebuffed several offers to come there, as if I wanted to see her new life escaped from the horribly neglectful r/s she escaped from--- so the story went to her friends and on FB). It was due to D2 breaking her collarbone, so I came over to help.

She had the card up on her refrigerator.

My point is that it is the right thing to do, but lower your expectations (my T told me this 

[Saskatchewan]

Thanks Panda39,

Well I took your advice and picked a simple card, took the boy home, painted his hands and filled the inside with prints. I also included some pictures which she had never seen. When we exchanged our son I had him carrying the card. A  subdued sneer and a " what's this?" Is what I got.

I was also taking your advice Turkish and and kept my expectations low , a couple of hours went by with no thank you ,  no response at all.

I couldn't help myself so I reached out and asked her if she had opened it and much to my surprise she said it "made her day" and I got "Thank you" s in three separate texts !

It went better than I could have expected and I'm really glad I made the effort. I'm especially glad that I ask the members here for advice because all of it made great sense. Turkish , I especially appreciate the " accept her for who she is" and "keep your expectations low" parts of your post. Very wise and very helpful. 

[Panda39]

  I'm so happy to hear it went well and I hope you and your son had fun getting messy with paint!

[Aussie JJ]

In this case... .

I have been their and it KILLED me getting no response and when I ask the gift was devalued. 

Now, I am always going to do it for our son.  Teach HIM what to do.  Teach him values and wrong from write.  Where will our kids get these from ?

Not from the BPD parent. 

*SIGH*

[Turkish]

In this case... .

I have been their and it KILLED me getting no response and when I ask the gift was devalued.  

Now, I am always going to do it for our son.  Teach HIM what to do.  Teach him values and wrong from write.  Where will our kids get these from ?

Not from the BPD parent.  

*SIGH*

Toughest job you'll ever love though, no?

Even before our r/s started exponentially decaying, I thought, "it's like her parents never taught her right from wrong." Though all of our Ex partners and spouses vary, take strength and accept who WE are. As my T said, and I confirmed elsewhere, our children reflect themselves in our smiling faces. Smile, love, and they will take that with them, allowing them to healthily detach from us when the time is right.

I like Panda's tracing idea. I'll do that next time. I'm not much of a craft person, I need help  

I'm glad it worked out for you Saskatchewan, that put a smile on my face 

[Aussie JJ]

Turkish,

I put so much effort into it to make it from our son.  I also made sure it was stuff that she would appreciate.  I did a mix of orgtanic tea, dark chocolate and some other things. 

I put a hour into our son wrapping it himself, 2 year old in newspapper and tissue papper and 1/2 a role of sticky tape.  then finger painted the card witha piucture of him wrapping it all. 

I got a thankyou.  Then when I asked a week later she said it was a hit and miss gift. 

I wanted to rage at her, I felt so BPD at that point in time.  I was ready to explode.  Did she not see the effort our son had put in, the joy that he got from making that present for her. 

From now on in.  I am going to do that EVERY time.  Make an effort so I am the better person for me and for our son.  It will kill me but I will be able to look at myself in the mirror.  I will be able to see the photos of our son doing that and I will be proud of myself. 

[londonD]

Turkish,

I put so much effort into it to make it from our son.  I also made sure it was stuff that she would appreciate.  I did a mix of orgtanic tea, dark chocolate and some other things. 

I put a hour into our son wrapping it himself, 2 year old in newspapper and tissue papper and 1/2 a role of sticky tape.  then finger painted the card witha piucture of him wrapping it all. 

I got a thankyou.  Then when I asked a week later she said it was a hit and miss gift. 

I wanted to rage at her, I felt so BPD at that point in time.  I was ready to explode.  Did she not see the effort our son had put in, the joy that he got from making that present for her. 

From now on in.  I am going to do that EVERY time.  Make an effort so I am the better person for me and for our son.  It will kill me but I will be able to look at myself in the mirror.  I will be able to see the photos of our son doing that and I will be proud of myself. 

You cant reason with crazy! They will only acknowledge a good deed if there's something in it for them. "thank you for my card and present it was lovely and made my day, BTW the batteries dead in my car, can you call AA and get them to come and help me at you're cost", in future send a card and nothing more. Acknowledge the birthday and be a nice guy by sending a card, do not go above and beyond, they don't deserve the effort.

[Aussie JJ]

No she doesn't deserve the air she breaths at times. 

My son, our son on the other hand deserves all of that effort and more.  If it were up to me to get something for her it would be different but for a child to give a gift to his mother is something important to the child. 

[Aussie JJ]

Reliving this is making me angry... .

[londonD]

Reliving this is making me angry... .

Don't get angry, she is sick, just like my ex. No appreciation for anything, no thanks. Let her fester in her own hatred, you can heal from the relationship, she is defective and she will never change.