Minor Annoyance

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

We have S4 in "3s and 4's" sessions this summer, which I guess is something like preschool. Due to his birthday, he'll be in prescool next school year. He's over 95th percentile in height. He looks like a large 6 year old. He has class MWF, which due to our 3-2-2-3 schedule means I take him two days/week, then it switches. Being in school from 9-12, we pack snacks. He is a pain to get out of bed (like his mom), so I rarely get him to eat breakfast. D2 is no problem. She's up early and ready to go like me.

Their mom picked him up today (she arranged that, even though I offered to split the time). She texted me, "the crackers you sent were spoiled. I keep forgetting to tell you."  I was naturally angry, and forgot the "friendly" part of BIFF a little. Then I remembered her nuerological sensitivity, especially to smell, and guessed it. "I bought those crackers last month, and I opened a new package today. I fed the kds those crackrs just two weekends ago, and they ate them with no complaint. They're bacon flavored, uBPDx." I said I hoped that the teachers didn't think I was a trailer trash dad, feeding my kids spoiled food. She replied that she just thought they smelled funny, and had little specks in them. The teachers didn't comment on it.

If it was so important, why didn't she tell me earlier? She also only told me Sunday night that we needed to sign him up for the next session. Thus he missed Monday's class. "I kept forgetting to tell you we needed to sign him up for the next session." I share the blame in that one, but pickng him up, she has more interaction. Both of these incidents reinforce that like when we were living together, I need to be on top of things more to account for my uBPD waif.

[Turkish]

We have S4 in "3s and 4's" sessions this summer, which I guess is something like preschool. Due to his birthday, he'll be in prescool next school year. He's over 95th percentile in height. He looks like a large 6 year old. He has class MWF, which due to our 3-2-2-3 schedule means I take him two days/week, then it switches. Being in school from 9-12, we pack snacks. He is a pain to get out of bed (like his mom), so I rarely get him to eat breakfast. D2 is no problem. She's up early and ready to go like me.

Their mom picked him up today (she arranged that, even though I offered to split the time). She texted me, "the crackers you sent were spoiled. I keep forgetting to tell you."  I was naturally angry, and forgot the "friendly" part of BIFF a little. Then I remembered her nuerological sensitivity, especially to smell, and guessed it. "I bought those crackers last month, and I opened a new package today. I fed the kds those crackrs just two weekends ago, and they ate them with no complaint. They're bacon flavored, uBPDx." I said I hoped that the teachers didn't think I was a trailer trash dad, feeding my kids spoiled food. She replied that she just thought they smelled funny, and had little specks in them. The teachers didn't comment on it.

If it was so important, why didn't she tell me earlier? She also only told me Sunday night that we needed to sign him up for the next session. Thus he missed Monday's class. "I kept forgetting to tell you we needed to sign him up for the next session." I share the blame in that one, but pickng him up, she has more interaction. Both of these incidents reinforce that like when we were living together, I need to be on top of things more to account for my uBPD waif.

[livednlearned]

Hi Turkish,

Is the goal radical acceptance while engaging in optimal ways for you? Meaning, are you trying to be able to radically accept your ex while treating the situation as "normal"?

Or is your goal to minimize interactions that could trigger irritation and make you feel as though you're still together?

I would think each goal, even though the differences are subtle, would lead you to adopt a different strategy.

For goal one, you might try SET. "You are worried that the crackers might be spoiled and the kids could get sick. I feel the same way you do, that keeping them healthy is really important. I made sure that today's crackers are fresh, thanks for pointing that out."

For goal two, you might use BIFF. "Thanks for letting me know."

[Turkish]

Hi Turkish,

Is the goal radical acceptance while engaging in optimal ways for you? Meaning, are you trying to be able to radically accept your ex while treating the situation as "normal"?

Or is your goal to minimize interactions that could trigger irritation and make you feel as though you're still together?

I would think each goal, even though the differences are subtle, would lead you to adopt a different strategy.

For goal one, you might try SET. "You are worried that the crackers might be spoiled and the kids could get sick. I feel the same way you do, that keeping them healthy is really important. I made sure that today's crackers are fresh, thanks for pointing that out."

For goal two, you might use BIFF. "Thanks for letting me know."

These are good questions, and it's making me think. The point was that the crackers weren't spoiled. I was likely triggered by behaviors I remembered, where she might come into a room and complain about something (like a smell) that no one else could pick up on. I'd get the "blame and accusatory" tone. I sure wish I'd known SET then! I'm naturally like that... .but after a while, my FOO shown through and I shut down. In this case, I didn't want it to be that the teachers thought I was a neglectful parent. I have experience in my own childhood of how The System can interfere in families.

For what I bolded, this is my primary goal. Maybe it's wrong of me, but my feeling is that I don't have to "put up with" her behaviors anymore. She's been walking on eggshells around me since she left. Perhaps that's dysfunctional in its own way. I minimize my interactions with her, so I can be BIFF with her face-to-face. I try to not get into SET conversations, though I think I did well the other night when she called me to confess her outburst of inappropriate anger towards our son.

It may be a mistake inviting her to join us at the park tomorrow. Am I still "rescuing?" Is it unreasonable that two co-parents should be able to occasionally spend time together with the kids? Her strong BPD traits and her depression are the invisible elephants in the room. My pain is another. I'm testing the waters to see how much interaction is healthy. More specifically, how much interaction I can take at this point without being triggered. The most important thing is the kids. I need to take care of myself emotionally, however, because if I'm not good, then I'll be less good for the kids.

[Mutt]

You haven't been separated for long Turkish and I struggled after the split with depression and grieving. I was also sick with bronchitis for 90 days but I did the best that I could at the time. I too wish i was more emotionally there for the kids during a difficult transition in all of our lives

Well except for one she has different coping tools.

though I think I did well the other night when she called me to confess her outburst of inappropriate anger towards our son.

Do you think maybe she was looking for a source to soothe her dysregulated emotions with shame and guilt?

[Turkish]

You haven't been separated for long Turkish and I struggled after the split with depression and grieving. I was also sick with bronchitis for 90 days but I did the best that I could at the time. I too wish i was more emotionally there for the kids during a difficult transition in all of our lives

Well except for one she has different coping tools.

though I think I did well the other night when she called me to confess her outburst of inappropriate anger towards our son.

Do you think maybe she was looking for a source to soothe her dysregulated emotions with shame and guilt?

Oh she was definitely doing that! She knows I know her. I appreciated her honesty and reaching out. I validated the valid (that his habit is frustrating... .and empathized with her Uncle's suggesting being invalidating), and invalidated the invalid, more by listening, then suggesting that S4 may start to feel responsible for her feelings, gave an outline on Parentification, which resulted in her telling me her feelings about being an emotional parent to her mom... .still to this day. She connected her behaviors to that, which was good.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Turkish,

I was struck by a few things in this reply. You knew your own reality about the crackers - you were confident they weren't spoiled, but you seem more diffident about the teachers viewing you as a neglectful parent. having had one of your own (a neglectful parent) who clearly was, are you more sensitive to that as a result? Even though you are aware of how interfering 'The System' can be were you perhaps oversensitised to their view of you? it's easy to feel vulnerable in the face of ed. admin I was just struck by your confidence in one area and your diffidence in the other.

The point was that the crackers weren't spoiled. I was likely triggered by behaviors I remembered

In this case, I didn't want it to be that the teachers thought I was a neglectful parent. I have experience in my own childhood of how The System can interfere in families.

Maybe it's wrong of me, but my feeling is that I don't have to "put up with" her behaviors anymore. She's been walking on eggshells around me since she left. Perhaps that's dysfunctional in its own way. .

It may be a mistake inviting her to join us at the park tomorrow. Am I still "rescuing?" Is it unreasonable that two co-parents should be able to occasionally spend time together with the kids? Her strong BPD traits and her depression are the invisible elephants in the room. My pain is another. I'm testing the waters to see how much interaction is healthy. More specifically, how much interaction I can take at this point without being triggered. The most important thing is the kids. I need to take care of myself emotionally, however, because if I'm not good, then I'll be less good for the kids.

You are arrived at a place where you can say 'Enough!' to behaviours of your x that are not upbuilding to you, your r/ship as coparents or your kids. It can be difficult however to live this completely can't it? It's like, you want to be human after all and accept a certain amount of mistakes or innate inability to do something. I find it hard to draw the line between accepting human quirk/error and disorderly/dysfunctional behaviour! it's okay to make mistakes, Turkish. You don't have to get it all right all of the time!

And if you ARE rescuing well surely a certain amount of that is human too? it's when it's constant and unremitting and REQUIRED that I think it's more of a problem.

I am curious about "how much interaction I can take at this point without being triggered"? It feels (and this is not intended at all disrespectfully) like a kid testing boundaries? Do you feel that way or have I missed the mark completely?

I really REALLY hope your pain lessens. It seems you are trying so hard to do your best - you deserve some relief.

Wishing you a moment's peace, T

[Turkish]

You bring up some interesting points, Zig.

I was triggered, confident in dealing with their mom, but had anxiety over the possibility that The System might feel I was a bad parent. Being almost taken by CPS from my BPD mom when I was 13, maybe I am fearful of something like that?

I can "handle" the kids' mom for now, though I feel like a father of D32 giving advice to her how to raise my grandchildren or something  

BIFF, SET, Wisemind... .I have to always keep these tools at the forefront.

[livednlearned]

If your goal is to minimize interactions that could trigger you, and you know she is BPD, with lots of triggers and disordered behaviors, and you have triggers from a BPD mom, then perhaps it's just a matter of how hard or easy you want your lessons.    Less interaction, fewer lessons, but easier. More interaction, more lessons, but harder.

[Turkish]

We spent time at the park today. It was generally good for everybody. I wasn't overtly triggered by anything. She asked me at one point how I was doing. I deflected. I didn't ask her the same question.

She looked healthy and good. The FOG set in, but I remembered... .she could switch on a dime. I wasn't annoyed when she lectured me to be careful when we were feeding the geese bread, as they could get aggressive (we've done it twice without her). She ran around with the kids. They were all having a good time. She's almost 11 years younger, in better shape, and not naturally heat intolerant like me. I focused on other families in the park as they arrived. Like, "that was us... .family. Together." Felt a little depresssed, but then watched the kids lauging with her, and it was ok. It's about the kids.

We talked about the schedule next week. We are on 3-2-2-3, but I am watching them during the days. She kept asking that she could come over to pick up and drop off. I rebuffed, and said i'd drive them. I'm not working next week. Later, after we stopped at Starbuck's, S4 invited her over to my house. This is in line with him wanting me to be at her apartment. D2's broken collarbone started this frequent contact 3 weeks ago. She told him, "probably someday, buddy." I think that is true. She gets it, despite continually trying to bust my hard boundary. I fell into a depressive state all day, so I don't think I'll make a habit of this.

As I started to write this post, she texted me, "I know the kids are ok, but I just need to know. Sorry"

I responded that they were fine, and this goes with what lnl said, that lowering my boundaries, I need to accept the results. She responded, "ok, thank you for being such a great dad. Thank you." Waif? I didn't respond to that, but thanked her for the coffee she bought me. "No worries." End of conversation.

So I'm left with the results of my actions; what I allowed. I try to use SET, and BIFF in text and conversation, and radical acceptance of not only who she is, but my new reality. I know I could easily trigger her, "i dont care about future boyfriends, but you're not coming back to visit as long as you're with that immaure,  homewrecking narcissist," but that does nobody any good. A brief validation, but ultimately more conflict. My T talked about her refusing to live in the reality of what she created, but I also need to live in the reality that is.