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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: emtional hurt on children by BPD parents  (Read 518 times)
mother in law
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« on: July 18, 2014, 12:29:51 AM »

My 11year old gd has an art show at her school next week.  She has been telling us all about it and the auction of children's art works it includes, obviously wanting us to get involved with the auction.  Her BPD mother (ex dil) sent a message to us via a very teary gd that if I went on opening night she would not!  I am the person she paints black and while i am learning to live with it it both hurts and annoys especially as I tried so hard when she came to this country - i think that she realizes that as a health professional i know she has mental health problems, i would help her if allowed.  However we  have said we will go the next day with gd and do something nice afterwards to stop any altercation.

I realize because of her arrested emotional development I cannot stop the childish behavior of "I won't go if she does" but how do we convince her to stop using a child in her arguments and if we can't do that how do we address it? It is hurting the child alot. All too sad.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2014, 05:28:32 AM »

Sorry to hear about your situation. There are techniques outlined on this website, that are designed to get the most out of a BPD. Using SET, Sympathy Empathy and Truth etc... .Another technique is to somehow get the BPD to own the idea. So for example, by saying "You had a very good idea about me giving you a lift to the show... .", if they believe the idea was theirs, they're more likely to go with it . Do you know why your gd's mom is upset with you ? You could always bow to her majesty's wishes - another way to go (but I wouldn't).

I actually won an National Art competition as a child, and my BPD chastised me for making her Golden Child (my brother) jealous. Latter on in life she took a pair of scissors to my portfolio of pictures.  Unthinkable, but what can you do... .Bless their cheeky little BPD socks. At least your gd is being taken to the art show.
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funfunctional
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« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2014, 09:10:04 AM »

M.I.L.

What a shame to not want God mother to go.    Jealousy?  Insecurity?

I don't have a lot of good suggestions.  If you go and hide in the back is that ok?  BPD is totally putting the kid in the middle with this.   If you go then mom ruins the kids moment.  So you could take the approach of saying "I am going - she's not in charge" but the kid may get punished.   DRAMA!

H.P.

She cut up your art?  Yup - she really is sick.  So sorry!   My BPD M.I.L. took a chair that her daughter wanted that belonged to BPD's mom and took a knife to it.  Delivered it all cut up.

CRAZY!  Borderline dangerous too.

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Panda39
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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2014, 02:11:14 PM »

I'm so sorry this is happening both for you and your granddaughter.  Situations like this really suck.  You're put in a no win situation.

Is there anyway you can arrange for a "private viewing" with your Granddaughter sometime before or after the actual show?  Could you contact her teacher or Principle and explain the situation you're in with exDIL maybe they could make some sort of acommodation for you?

If not, meeting afterward and asking her to tell you about the show will have to do.  It will at least show her that you are interested.
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
funfunctional
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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2014, 10:07:42 PM »

I think "no win" is perfect description.  Always make your decisions based on kid.   I love the idea of private viewing. 

When kids are used as pons we as adults can step out as appropiate but can still show enourmous interest and congrats

Avoid the sh!t shows

Send love and make it easy on the kids. 

I avoid most ofy step daughters cheering shows and soccer games cause mom makes her pay after. Been like this from the beginning

I know step daughter appreciated this

Best to u
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mother in law
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« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2014, 07:07:33 PM »

thank you all for your replies. Yes no win is a perfect description, especially for the child in the middle.

Happy chappy: why am I painted black? Probably because I am the only person who has created boundaries in her entire life. I look back now and see me son enabled big time as is my GD which saddens me as the outcome is sure to be bad for both. Also I am a nurse and suggested very early on (in a kind way) after a no-talk for 7 days when they were living with us that she needed help, in other words she knew I could put a label to her ( I didn't)  and she didn't want to know, also (as my husband says I am capable-don't know if that is a compliment or not!) and she cannot hold down a job, keep house all obstacles however minor are huge for her... .all of the above I suppose. Plus when she lived with us I became tired of the continual racist comments about others (she is a migrant to this country herself) and I disagreed... .probably a mistake in hindsight. So yes feels threatened, jealousy and won't play the game with her in control of everything and being abusive. As for trying the SET principles, a great idea but contact is minimal to non existent. That is terrible, sick and sad that your mother cut up your art work but I like your attitude. Tis hard not to let them get at you.

funfunctional: your story re the chair sick, sad and terrible also.

Panda and funfunctional: a private viewing is not available GD has suggested that she goes with her mother and we meet her there half way through and take her home afterwards, so tonight will call and suggest that. She seemed very disappointed when I said it may all be too hard, so will try again. I think if we go when mother is looking then  there is the potential to embarrass the child or more to the point get home and have an absolute rage that GD has to witness yet again ie yelling, throwing things, breaking things hitting walls and bad mouthing people that my GD loves.

As you say happy chappy it is like having her majesty around and that is where I probably fall down I am not too interested in control and manipulation by rage, threats and abuse etc. I do not argue with her- a lost cause as the arguments make no sense but I will not be her pawn in a sick and sad game that destroys others! By the way I have offered to go with her to Drs etc as support as English is her second language and I know my way around the health system but also a no go. Perhaps because she perceives me as a treat etc. All a no win situation.
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manicmuse
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« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2014, 05:06:47 AM »

I would double check and make sure she gets there. Just my feelings.
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mother in law
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« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2014, 09:13:33 AM »

Manicmuse I think her mother will take her I don't think there is Any problem with that.  I think we will go after school one day and miss the auction.  At least we get to see the art.

On another note I guess my previous post sounds somewhat harsh however after 12 years I have decided to try and save/help those I can namely gd and son and not feel responsible for those I can't.  We have given many years of emotional financial and practical help only to be kicked at the end of it and told it was all our fault.  For our own sanity we backed off. If she refuses to talk I don't see what else we can do.  I just can never come to terms with her abusive behavior and I don't think I ever will.  This site is a godsend for all of us trying to deal with the fallout from this terrible illness.
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Panda39
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« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2014, 03:36:22 PM »

I just wanted to follow up and see how things went.
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mother in law
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« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2014, 09:43:46 AM »

Panda 39, it all became too hard to negotiate with ex dil (BPD) and so as not too create conflict we decided  to not go on opening night but leave it to the day we pick gd up from school anyway. Gd was happy with this but unhappy we could not place a bid in the auction on the art work done by  the children in her grade. I did not try to explain this away as she is well aware that we try hard but when her mother is irrational that sadly we are all constrained by how irrational she is at the time. I have no answers to the game playing but try to keep a low profile and help gd when we can. If anyone else has answers better than me I would welcome them bearing in mind she will not talk to me. I am increasing contact with her though via text as I have a feeling that if I never contact her it increases her feeling of abandonment and she will increase the painting of me black which gd has to listen to. Would this be true?





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Panda39
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« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2014, 08:42:50 PM »

Hi MIL,

I'm sorry to hear you missed the auction but glad to hear your GD was able to show you the art. I love any excuse to see and make art!

Can I ask what the situation is with your son & DIL?  Have they completed their divorce? Are they still going through it?  I ask simply because my SO's uBPDex was at her absolute worst during the divorce. (Loss of husband and treat of losing kids had her totally freaking out, acting out, and drama so bright it would glow in the dark!)  What does custody look like with son and dil? 

I wish I had all the answers.  My goal with my SO's daughters is like you to be a good healthy role model and friend while keeping drama with mom to a minimum.

I guess my advice is don't give up on your grandkids no matter how uncomfortable it is with the dil.  Focus on the kids they need you

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mother in law
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« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2014, 05:06:45 AM »

Hi panda39

son and dil are now divorced and yes the drama from her was glow in the dark stuff too. Son now has another partner and a new baby but every thing that happens in ex dil life is a major hurdle.  She was furious he had a new partner.  Furious he had another child and so it goes on.  Every thing new,  strange,  difficult is cause for her to disregulate in a big way and blame others for her problems failures etc.  As you know if it's very wearying and most of all I feel sorry for gd. Yes we do try to act as positive role models especially as sometimes she acts like her mother. Tis hard not to say to gd stop as you look and sound like your mother! ! I feel very sorry for all the mums and dad's who have to deal with this full time my heart goes out to them.
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mother in law
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« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2014, 07:50:49 AM »

Sorry panda 39 I forgot to say son has gd every weekend and most of the school holidays. He talks to her on other Days at least once a day and he also sees her the night during the week that we have her for dinner. So there's is a lot of contact.
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Panda39
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« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2014, 09:34:41 PM »

Hi MIL,

Thanks for filling me in on the dynamics in your world.

Glad to hear your granddaughter is able to have a good amount of contact with her dad and your family.  I really believe the more time kids with a BPD parent spend with the healthy adult role models the better.

I too have seen my SO's daughters emulate some of their mothers behavior they like everyone else learn from all of the adults in their lives including their BPDmom.  That is why I think it is so important that the rest of us stick with them in spite of all the crazy and lousy things that their mother does.  They need us to show them another way to be and better ways to cope. So all I can do is encourage you to not give up and be there as much as you can. (Unfortunately, it is never as much as we want  :'()

I think you have been painted black because you support your son remember she thinks in black and white terms.  If you're not with her your are against her... .therefore the enemy.  I would also guess that she sees you as a threat for her daughters love too.

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catclaw
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« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2014, 07:35:09 AM »

hello mother in law,

all this sounds really familiar to me... .on my SS7's 6th birthday (which he invited me to personally and made me promise to come to) she went completely crazy. he lived in a foster family back then (we had 2 lawyers to try to get him out of there and take him in with us, no success at all). There were discussions with the child care services every 6 months which my husband went to to see what progress his son makes and what is planned for his future. EVERY SINGLE TIME it was only about her and her plans to go to school, go to university and become an artist, not a single sentence about where SS7 is going to be then. Then we got a call from the services, teling my husband to leave  me at home the day of his son'd birthday, as his mother said "if that **** comes, i will yell at her and will not be able to control myself at the party". He told them that I promised to come (as I didn't even see a reason why i shouldn't back then, things seemed pretty clear to me. live and let live.). They told him to invent a lie. In the end he had to tell him that I was sick. He was obviously disappointed and the next day he destroyed the present i gave him. "because i wanted to" he said. Same about the boundaries - she was never given any. Neither by my husband before he met me, nor by any instance (she never had to work, always had some sugar daddy available to pay for her club nights, never took responsibility, the city even paid her a maid and a nanny because she felt so helpless). And there was I, also a health care professional with experience in the mental health sector, trying to give her a hard time. Just because I was there.

It's that boundary thing that i always get back to when thinking about why she is like that. And then i see SS7 living with us now, who is not used to have any boundaries either - everything is possible, you don't need to play by rules, if you can just cry. That's what he learned in the past 7 years - I was just impressed that your gd understands the situation at her age and doesn't need further explanations. But yeah, makes sense to me. A sad one, but I feel these kids learn to cope with some situation like adults. Were you ever forced to lie to her due to the wishes of her BPDmom? This is still something I feel very bad for...
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mother in law
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« Reply #15 on: September 04, 2014, 12:54:43 AM »

Hi catclaw. No I have never lied,  evaded answers perhaps but never lied.  I don't think in the long run that it would be helpful or right.  I don't want gd to look back and think we told lies like her mother does. To me that is not a good example.  And to be honest I am a hopeless lier! It is all such a ghastly situation. I think there are lots of factors that play out for dil jealousy that I will steal her daughters affections, my being a health professional, my lack of willingness to agree with everything she said. ... a lot of outrageous claims about most things,  and I am the only person who had created boundaries and said abuse of any kind is unacceptable and believe me she is into all forms of it. I guess when I began to realise she had a problem and she was in denial about it it was never going to end happily. We just have to try our best.
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Panda39
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« Reply #16 on: September 04, 2014, 07:54:04 AM »

I'm a horrible liar too!  I tried really hard to be good at it back in my rebellious teenager phase but always got busted!

I think the key is to be honest but sensitive to the kids feelings.  I bet we could all get jobs as diplomats at the United Nations!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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catclaw
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« Reply #17 on: September 04, 2014, 09:44:39 AM »

Oh, I'm also a horrible liar :':) That's really funny. EVERYONE figures out instantly that there's something wrong (that's why I'm also very bad at making surprises -.-).

In that situation above (SS' bday) my husband managed it pretty well. The child service had an eye on us/him, that's why he was obligated to lie about why I wasn't there. It just broke my heart that he must have felt betrayed by me (the destroyed toys).

Sometimes it's hard for me to find a way between "telling the truth" and "finding the right words to say things without lying". Even though I feel I'm getting better at it.

Indeed, I think we should get a diploma for what we go through and the experience we gain ^^
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mother in law
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« Reply #18 on: September 07, 2014, 08:17:41 AM »

Oh catclaw sometimes for me there is the dilemma of how do I tell the truth without hurting gd because I am such a useless liar. I think I am getting better at it but it is a work in progress. And no  I didn't sign up for any of this. ... .ie the person creating the problems is not my child however what else can I do but smile grit my teeth and get on with it. After reading all these posts I take my hat off to all you people who don't get any respite I really have it easy compared to them.
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