Mom's bf yelling at my kids

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm seeking for advice from parents with small children and the ex is mentally ill. My D8 has been saying over the last several weeks that moms boyfriend has a temper and takes it out on S2.

I had a feeling things weren't going to get better and he's been losing his temper on S6 on D8. Both S6 and D8 where arguing, kids will be kids and he threw a tantrum of epic proportions on the kids and the f-bomb was directed at the kids. I don't like that sort of language used on the kids and i don't like when someone is projecting their frustration on my kids.

D15 was gone for several months and she's back home after a period that my ex split her black. My intuition served me right that ex and SD15 where going tête a tête with each other and D8 mentioned that mom and their sister had fights 3 nights in a row. SD15 will be split again and SD's in a fragile position with SI. It's a bit of a pressure cooker at the kids other home with mom.

Likely this is not under my control. My questions are do I say anything to ex (she will disassociate and blame) or simply validate the kids emotions and provide emotional support? I'm at a loss and reaching out for a little support from some members that have experienced this. Thank you.

[Mutt]

I'm seeking for advice from parents with small children and the ex is mentally ill. My D8 has been saying over the last several weeks that moms boyfriend has a temper and takes it out on S2.

I had a feeling things weren't going to get better and he's been losing his temper on S6 on D8. Both S6 and D8 where arguing, kids will be kids and he threw a tantrum of epic proportions on the kids and the f-bomb was directed at the kids. I don't like that sort of language used on the kids and i don't like when someone is projecting their frustration on my kids.

D15 was gone for several months and she's back home after a period that my ex split her black. My intuition served me right that ex and SD15 where going tête a tête with each other and D8 mentioned that mom and their sister had fights 3 nights in a row. SD15 will be split again and SD's in a fragile position with SI. It's a bit of a pressure cooker at the kids other home with mom.

Likely this is not under my control. My questions are do I say anything to ex (she will disassociate and blame) or simply validate the kids emotions and provide emotional support? I'm at a loss and reaching out for a little support from some members that have experienced this. Thank you.

[Aussie JJ]

This depresses me.  I am going to have to deal with this in the future and it is really getting my anxiety up thinking about it. 

[Matt]

Likely this is not under my control. My questions are do I say anything to ex (she will disassociate and blame) or simply validate the kids emotions and provide emotional support? I'm at a loss and reaching out for a little support from some members that have experienced this. Thank you.

This mostly outside your control, but there are some things you can do.

Should you say anything to your ex?  Probably not.  She will probably react by taking it out on the kids, since they told you what she and her bf are doing.  And she'll deny it and look for ways to punish you too.  So nothing is accomplished.

You're right about validating the kids' emotions and perceptions - that will help them a lot.  (You can read - but not post - on the "Coping And Healing From A BPD Parent" board here - lots of adults who were raised by a BPDish parent say that a little validation from the other parent would have helped a lot.)

You can also get the kids into counseling.  Find a counselor - maybe get a referral from the school counselor or from the kids' doctor - so the kids will have a professional they can tell what is going on.  Not a quick fix - you can't expect the counselor to take her lead from you - you have to just step aside and let her do her job.  It helped my kids a lot.

[livednlearned]

How awful. Guy sounds like a piece of work.

In addition to validating what your kids are feeling, I might also talk to them about a plan of action if things really get off the hook. Help them think through a plan so they don't feel so powerless. What would you do if you were in that situation? What would you do if it got worse?

My ex didn't have a gf, but he did drink while my son was there. It says in our order no drinking before or during visitation, but that was nearly impossible to prove. I could just tell it was happening based on what S13 was reporting, plus late night drunk texts. So I sat down with S13 (he was 10 at the time) and told him what to do if his dad passed out or started acting scary, what neighbor to go to, how it was ok to call 911 if he wasn't sure what to do, that the people on the other end of the line talk to kids all the time and help them figure out what to do. And of course, to call me or text me. Plus a bunch of stuff about how kids aren't expected to solve adult problems, and that the best thing to do is to get a grown up involved if it's too hard to tell what to do.

Unfortunately, the night N/BPDx had a psychotic alcohol-fueled bender, S13 didn't have his phone and his dad was manic, and using his phone to call and text me all night long. So that plan didn't really work for the over-the-top nutty stuff.

At least it made S13 feel like he had a plan 

[Mutt]

I agree LivednLearned he's a piece of work. D8 has been opening up more and I've talked about mom around the house so they understand she's not a taboo subject. It's always something in the last few weeks.

On the plus side knowing her past history with boyfriends this isn't going to last. So I don't think he'll be a long term problem. But it's the next guy after that too. Could be better could be worse and so on.

Matt I like that idea with the counselor. They are mandated to report to police if they suspect some kind of abuse. I can't say anything because it will co.e back on the kids at her house no doubt. It absolves me as the person reporting or getting directly involved, one point that would worry me is the blame would be directed at me because I'm taking them to the counselor on my time and she could retaliate against the kids. Once the police are involved it's a different matter. That's worse case scenario. Above all it is for their benefit and mental / emotional health.

LivednLearned I'm sorry to hear about your son and your exes drunken tirade. Poor S13. Having a plan in case of an emergency is a very good idea. D8 is intelligent, unfortunately she is parentified and looks after the smaller ones on exe's time. She's intelligent and carry that out and I'll teach the middle one too. I was racking my brain over this on what I can do? Because my hands are tied. I'm really glad I asked.

I'll check on the other board. I've seen validation and it's positive effects on my kids, especially S6. He was more closed off than the other two. I was validating them again tonight and he said "I wish bf didn't exist" He's been yelled at and called a baby and was put in a time out for over an hour. I know my son I got him tested for autism and he's not. I wanted to check sooner than later.

S6 gets emotionally dysregulated and it's identifying his triggers (not enough sleep is more emotional the next day) and I try to work around his triggers. There's no reason to get upset at him because I let them stay up late and he's up earlier and he's more difficult to deal with.  I'll put him to bed earlier. The bf doesn't have parenting / coping skills and he projects his frustration and anger on them. On the positive side they've all been good troopers and are coping well from being at dad's. It's not all doom and gloom. The things that I learn here are working and I see the positive effects each week on my time.

[livednlearned]

The very thin silver lining to this, from what I can tell with S13, is that validating him and helping him learn to regulate negative feelings, and giving him tools to deal with hard situations has helped him grow a solid core. In many ways, he is way more mature than his peers. He's a bit socially stunted, but in all other ways he is wise beyond his years. I think the hardest part to helping our kids get there is being the role model, especially when it's hard enough to just get through the day.

Matt gave me a good tip a year or so ago about using movies and shows to talk through scenarios with S13, and that's been helpful. You can find a lot of examples that aren't emotionally charged but might have some parallels. I would comment on how people handled things, especially kids, and then ask S if they thought it was a good way to do things, or ask him how he might handle things.

S used to watch a lot of Disney and Nick channels, and the parents in those shoes are awful. So I would ask him questions like, "What did you think when that dad yelled at the kid like that?" At first, S13 didn't really know what to think. Now he's pretty wise -- I think he realized he had judgements about grown-ups for being mature or not mature, but had never felt it mattered. I validated his opinions on things, and he got some mojo from that.

Same thing if your kids talk about other kids at school. If you are present and listen, and validate them, then ask what they think or how they would handle it, there's a good chance your kids will confide in you a lot. And you can get them to think for themselves how best to handle difficult situations.

That's interesting what you said about your ex changing bfs, and that this guy won't be long term. That might be something to talk to them about. If you tell them that he probably won't be around forever, and then that happens, they will realize that you get what's going on -- you have adult abilities to size up the situation.

[Matt]

Of course you're looking for stuff that is age-appropriate.

My S16 and D17 wanted to watch "Mad Men", and I said OK - let's watch a few episodes and see if it's appropriate - not too explicit.  One of the characters (anybody who has seen it - guess which one?) is fairly BPDish, and the kids noticed some of her passive-aggressive and just plain nasty behavior, and talked about it - nobody said "She's just like Mom!" but some more subtle comparisons were drawn, and the impact on her kids became more apparent over time.

Great show but not for younger kids!

Dramas might be more helpful than comedies, because comedies don't usually show adult behavior very reasonably - too exaggerated for laughs.