Wife with possible Borderline PD...

[waverider]

A break + gaining knowledge=space to develop clarity to make healthier decisons and priorities.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

Ok, I get it... .I would like an explanation on one thing... .Why after our big fight over a month ago ( can't believe its been over a month) when all this started happening, did my wife get the other house behind my back without me knowing?  She has said repeatedly she doesn't want a divorce, but just space.  She seemed truly sincere.  Was that part of splitting, dissaciation and devaluing?  This is one of those I am having the hardest time with figuring out?  She has been out of town since last Friday and won't be back until Saturday so she hasn't had the opportunity to be down the street from me in a separate residence, so this ought to be interesting.  The NC (at her request) while on vacation (except when she contacted me about the bill two days ago) has been difficult.  I want to hear her voice and tell her I love her, but won't as I want her to know I'm a man of my word.  For the most part, I'm fine, but once a day, I deal with the separation and it is very tough and the anxiety is excruciating if I let it be.  Am I thinking to much into this?

[Love Is Not Enough]

Ok, I get it... .I would like an explanation on one thing... .Why after our big fight over a month ago ( can't believe its been over a month) when all this started happening, did my wife get the other house behind my back without me knowing? 

It really comes down to impulsiveness. At that time she was so furious that it motivated her to apply for a rental and now she may feel obligated to move out. She may also really just need space. I want to reiterate what others have already said and tell you that space for yourself is not a bad thing at all. Take the time to learn about what you are dealing with. Start practicing the tools like SET and thinking about boundaries you want. Also be sure to do something for yourself. The anxiety will kill you, trust me I know. I am still recovering from an almost complete burnout. What can you do to take your mind off of all this crazy-making?

Am I thinking to much into this?

Absolutely. I drove myself crazy trying to analyze everything my SO did or said. I also gathered information in ways of which I am not proud of. As waverider mentioned earlier it will just serve to drive you more crazy than you already are. Then you start seeing things that are not there. I finally figured out that no matter what I found out I could never change or alter her behavior, only my own. So I started to focus on what I could control, which was how I responded to her. You are already starting to do that and I am sure that you will get much further by focusing your energy there.

You have to relax or you will literally kill yourself with anxiety and stress. Do something for yourself today. Take your kids to a movie or go on a long walk. Just do your best not to obsess about your wife. You will not be able to help her if you do not keep yourself healthy.

[MaroonLiquid]

She did move into that house and now I'm in an apartment. I am taking time for myself and I really do want to get strong and help her.  I really do love her and want the best for her, us and our children.

[MaroonLiquid]

So today I'm struggling a bit.  I feel like since she moved into that house she got behind my back after the huge fight she has tried to scrub me from her life.  Gave me anything having to do with our wedding (even made a comment about taking her dress to a resale shop... .WOW), didn't put any pictures of me or my kids up in her new house, not including me in posts on Facebook, and her relationship status is Ask... .

     Why I'm struggling today is I haven't had contact with my wife since last Friday (she is out of town and told me not to text or email her while on vacation, ie the silent treatment stemming from a bunch of stress she was under from the move) which she put on herself and of course blamed me for not moving it.   Except for the text from her about a bill on Monday, and quickly got that resolved the last 24 hours she has tried in round about ways to get me to make contact and it is getting progressively more obvious (started with an email to our pastor, then a bunch of Facebook posts in that time as well.  When I told her I wouldn't contact her, I have gone as far as to not even like anything on Facebook that she has posted, even about the kids.  I miss her terribly.  She will be back Saturday, but am still going to let her contact me directly.  I don't know what else to do.  I'm really down this afternoon.

[an0ught]

A break can be helpful. A loss of connection not so much.

It is ok not to assault her when she is back. Still someone needs to reach out and restart communication again first and it might have to be you. Simply set yourself a deadline when you will reach out and stop agonizing over it.

Another option may be to leave a simple validating message on the home answering machine - hope you got back well and the kids were manageable. I guess you need to settle in first. Give me a call when you're ready or I'll call you later. Sign-off words. Of course with all messages there is always a risk not knowing her state when she listens so it needs to be tuned to her but emotionally light. Just something to keep the door open and decrease the communication threshold for the next step.

[waverider]

pwBPD do tend towards extreme over reaction. Add to this that she cant take responsibility for her decisions and so will want to project blame/responsibility onto you. This will bring with it a "victim" attitude along with unreasonable demands/grabbing of assets and devaluing of past connections.

As my partner once put it "burning the past rubbish" before she can move on.                           

[Love Is Not Enough]

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much.

It is painful when your SO does those things and sometimes it feels like some mean game they are playing. Do your best not to take personally. She is unable to take responsibility for her own actions because they are too painful to face. So it is much easier to direct it at you. Just stay strong and over time you will start to accept that it really is not you.

What have you done for you lately?

[MaroonLiquid]

when does the "burning of the past rubbish" stop and she come back to reality?  I am beginning to understand it isn't all me, but it is harrowing when they won't even speak to you and say they don't want a divorce and want to get themselves healthy to get back together, but their actions speak opposite and they don't see that.  As far as what I'm doing for me, I'm enjoying the quiet, relaxing, and earnestly seeking God.  He is refreshing me and showing me things.  I'm just tired of the silent treatment... .

[MaroonLiquid]

So my wife i getting home from out of town in a few minutes and I'm excited, yet cautious at the same time as I am trying not to get my hopes up if she doesn't call or text to see me.  I sent her an email yesterday saying that when she got home and settled that I would love to see her, the kids and hear about their trip.  I'm nervous... .I have missed them and don't like the fact that any communication between us has been in her court and has been for over a month since the huge blowup.  I just want some hope.   :'( 

[MaroonLiquid]

So my wife didn't call, and I'm ok.  I am going to just step back and let her deal with her own mess.  She has basically created this monster and she needs to live it.  I love her and want our marriage to work, but she has to want it to and do something about it.  She want me to grovel I guess and I won't do it.  Right now, she is trying "to make me pay" for the mess she has created because she has dissociated completely (especially since she left town) and is completely opposite of the woman I married.  I know its "painting me black" and projection, but I'm a good man who is admitting his mistakes and doing the right thing by standing for the marriage and willing to work on things.  Instead, she is completely ignoring me, and acting like I don't exist.  It is what it is... .

[an0ught]

So my wife didn't call, and I'm ok.  I am going to just step back and let her deal with her own mess.  She has basically created this monster and she needs to live it.  I love her and want our marriage to work, but she has to want it to and do something about it.  She want me to grovel I guess and I won't do it.  Right now, she is trying "to make me pay" for the mess she has created because she has dissociated completely (especially since she left town) and is completely opposite of the woman I married.  I know its "painting me black" and projection, but I'm a good man who is admitting his mistakes and doing the right thing by standing for the marriage and willing to work on things.  Instead, she is completely ignoring me, and acting like I don't exist.  It is what it is... .

You are drawing a lot of conclusions out of a single binary fact.

[MaroonLiquid]

Well, when I sent an email that said that I would love to see them when they got back and settled, and she doesn't contact me at all, just like while she was out of town, what am I supposed to think?  Since it is her house, I'm not going to show up uninvited. 

[MaroonLiquid]

So this morning I texted my wife and asked if she wanted to go to a funeral for a family we know and love (and vice versa), and she said she had other plans, and then asked her if we could see each other tonight and again she said no because she was trying to get her house together.  I said ok, be blessed.  Then a few hours later her air conditioner went out in her house and posted a picture on Facebook.  When I didn't comment on it, she texted me to see if I could take the dogs and I said sure, but I will have to leave a key to my apartment as I was about to leave for the funeral.  She asked where exactly I lived and I told her.  I told her I could buzz her in remotely no matter where I was through my cell phone.  She then said she would figure something else out because she wasn't leaving for about 20 minutes.  I said are you sure, you, the kids and the dogs could come and be comfortable.  She said no, never mind.  I asked again was she sure.  When she didn't respond after a few minutes, I said, "since I didn't hear back, I had to go and I didn't leave a key."  She then let me have it and said she would get someone else that she could rely on.  Seriously?  I was trying to do the right thing, but wow.  I can't win with her right now... . 

[MaroonLiquid]

Now she has removed all of the kids events from our shared family calendar... .

[workinprogress]

Now she has removed all of the kids events from our shared family calendar... .

Maroon, it is heartbreaking to read what you are going through.

You need to step back.  From your posts, it appears that she doesn't contact you unless she needs money or a repair or something.

I'm sorry to say it like that.  But, it is something that I began to realize in my own marriage.

[MaroonLiquid]

What does stepping back entail.  Don't even know what that looks like.  I want her to know I will always be here for her and won't abandon her.  I think she has completely dissociated... .Its sad... .

[MaroonLiquid]

Now she has removed all of the kids events from our shared family calendar... .

Maroon, it is heartbreaking to read what you are going through.

You need to step back.  From your posts, it appears that she doesn't contact you unless she needs money or a repair or something.

I'm sorry to say it like that.  But, it is something that I began to realize in my own marriage.

What did you realize in your marriage?  Why can't she see all the good I've done?

[workinprogress]

What does stepping back entail.  Don't even know what that looks like.  I want her to know I will always be here for her and won't abandon her.  I think she has completely dissociated... .Its sad... .

I know its sad.  I am in nearly the same situation with my wife, but we are still living in the same household.  I told her that I would do whatever I could to make the marriage work, to make her feel secure.

But, I think it leads them to believe that they can do whatever they want, and we will be there to pick up the pieces.  :)oes that make sense.  I think it gives them the ability to exploit us.

[workinprogress]

Now she has removed all of the kids events from our shared family calendar... .

Maroon, it is heartbreaking to read what you are going through.

You need to step back.  From your posts, it appears that she doesn't contact you unless she needs money or a repair or something.

I'm sorry to say it like that.  But, it is something that I began to realize in my own marriage.

What did you realize in your marriage?  Why can't she see all the good I've done?

I think that "doing the good" is expected of us.  We are in a marriage in which there are two sets of rules, both sets of rules are created by them.

The two sets of rules are:

1.  She can do whatever she wants.

2.  You are expected to be the good man and take it.

[MaroonLiquid]

What does stepping back entail.  Don't even know what that looks like.  I want her to know I will always be here for her and won't abandon her.  I think she has completely dissociated... .Its sad... .

I know its sad.  I am in nearly the same situation with my wife, but we are still living in the same household.  I told her that I would do whatever I could to make the marriage work, to make her feel secure.

But, I think it leads them to believe that they can do whatever they want, and we will be there to pick up the pieces.  :)oes that make sense.  I think it gives them the ability to exploit us.

But doesn't cutting them off just feed into the abandoning thing and then they paint me just like everyone else?  What can cutting them off do? 

[workinprogress]

What does stepping back entail.  Don't even know what that looks like.  I want her to know I will always be here for her and won't abandon her.  I think she has completely dissociated... .Its sad... .

I know its sad.  I am in nearly the same situation with my wife, but we are still living in the same household.  I told her that I would do whatever I could to make the marriage work, to make her feel secure.

But, I think it leads them to believe that they can do whatever they want, and we will be there to pick up the pieces.  :)oes that make sense.  I think it gives them the ability to exploit us.

But doesn't cutting them off just feed into the abandoning thing and then they paint me just like everyone else?  What can cutting them off do? 

Maybe I'm not the best person to talk to on this. 

But, when it comes to cutting off, didn't they cut us off without a good reason?

I'm not saying to abandon her or to change your plan.  You do what is right for you.

I'm just kind of stating some of their behaviors in how they relate to us.

To them, our job is to give, fix, and do whatever is needed. 

[MaroonLiquid]

  

Maybe I'm not the best person to talk to on this.  

But, when it comes to cutting off, didn't they cut us off without a good reason?

I'm not saying to abandon her or to change your plan.  You do what is right for you.

I'm just kind of stating some of their behaviors in how they relate to us.

To them, our job is to give, fix, and do whatever is needed.  

I don't want to cut her off.  I want her to realize I'm a safe place even though she may not feel like she deserves it after what she's done (transpired).  I don't want to be a doormat either, but at some point, the tide has to turn back to me doesn't it as far as painting me white?  It's hard when I feel like I offer an out, and then it is misconstrued to make me look "black" when she said no.  I'm truly trying to do the right thing and be there for her.  I just need to let this go I guess and let another opportunity present itself to where I can be painted white... .

[workinprogress]

 

Maybe I'm not the best person to talk to on this.  

But, when it comes to cutting off, didn't they cut us off without a good reason?

I'm not saying to abandon her or to change your plan.  You do what is right for you.

I'm just kind of stating some of their behaviors in how they relate to us.

To them, our job is to give, fix, and do whatever is needed.  

I don't want to cut her off.  I want her to realize I'm a safe place even though she may not feel like she deserves it after what she's done (transpired).  I don't want to be a doormat either, but at some point, the tide has to turn back to me doesn't it as far as painting me white?  It's hard when I feel like I offer an out, and then it is misconstrued to make me look "black" when she said no.  I'm truly trying to do the right thing and be there for her.  I just need to let this go I guess and let another opportunity present itself to where I can be painted white... .

You are in a very tough situation.  My heart really goes out to you.  :)o what you think is best for you and your marriage.

It is a very tough cycle that we are in.  We are awesome and great one hour, then an hour later they are cold.

It is a great burden to have to deal with this.

Take care of your health.

In the last couple of years my marriage has really taken a toll on my health.  My blood pressure is up, and I have had other stress related issues.

Get rest and pray for answers.

[MaroonLiquid]

Im using all the tools this site offers to change things, and when I think we make progress, its almost like two steps forward and three steps back.  We were intimate three times before we left and then since she left and came back, there is no real communication to change anything between us. 

[workinprogress]

Im using all the tools this site offers to change things, and when I think we make progress, its almost like two steps forward and three steps back.  We were intimate three times before we left and then since she left and came back, there is no real communication to change anything between us. 

I go through the same things.  Except we haven't been intimate in years.

We seem to get along well and I think we are better.  Then I get the cold shoulder.

This may help.  BPD's are easily influenced.  Has there been a new friend in her life that she started hanging around before all of this happened?

[MaroonLiquid]

No, but she has started to get advice from her sister who's a man-hater (divorced twice to the same man and even though she wants to find one real bad), and her mom who both believe from her that I put a bruise on her (which I didn't and in fact she hit me).  They always thought the world of me until this incident a month ago when she completely went off the deep end after a fight we had.  She is also hanging out with a friend of hers (daughters best friend's mother) who I'm sure she has told "her truth" to and now doesn't like me I guess.  I'm completely seeking God, getting counseling and trying to do the right thing.  She has completely cut herself off from me, church and anyone who can speak truth into her situation and lead her back to the marriage.  I know that she can't continue to blame me for everything now that I'm not living with her.  That's why at some point, I believe, this tide has to turn... .

[Rapt Reader]

This thread has been locked, due to reaching it post limit. The continuation of this thread is here: Wife with possible BPD, continued. Thank you.