Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:43:25 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: In tears..  (Read 538 times)
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #30 on: July 23, 2014, 01:07:43 PM »

Sorry to hear that dude. Do you mind me asking, is she still with that guy?

I am pretty sure she married him... .but that is just a guess... .I have no idea what that stats are now... as I have total NC... .

She did try to ambush me in the supermarket parking lot alone a little while ago... .but I put my head down and moved away as quickly as I could... she was like 5 feet away from me and it REALLY took a lot of self love on my part to get out of there... .

... so I don't really know that status now for here... .

Even if she did marry him... .she is always shopping (for men)... .that is how she treated everyone before me, too.

How would you feel if you were married to her and knew that she was setting up this whole manipulation in a parking lot to "accidentally" run into her ex (me).

She disrespected him and me all in one foul action!   

Strangely, I feel sorry for the guy she is with... .(I never had any jealousy toward him, after all she lied thru her teeth to him)... .  He has no idea what goes on when he is not around... .just like me.
Logged
FabulousGandalf

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #31 on: July 23, 2014, 01:38:08 PM »

Sorry I haven't replied much. I've been keeping to myself a lot this week. Reading all the advice and wisdom from people. I haven't tried to contact her for almost two weeks now. At this point, I really don't know what to think anymore. I am just going to work and watch Netflix for now. I can't say that I don't think about her constantly, because I do. She might be a toxic black hole, but I am willing to try. If I get hurt, well it will be my own fault, but it will also be an experience. I am not going to try and change her, I want her to fix herself with my full support. Certain people that I know who want us to stay together and know the situation say she doesn't even talk about it all. My goal right now is just to leave her be. She'll either get over me faster, or realize how much I care about her and work things out for US. Anyway, I'll keep in touch. All this work tires me.
Logged
elessar
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 391


« Reply #32 on: July 23, 2014, 03:26:30 PM »

You sound exactly like me, and countless others. 2 weeks back she wanted to marry me. Last Monday she called me to say she is marrying another dude her parents have found her. I started counseling today for the 5th time in past 8 years. I still say the same thing "hopefully she will realize and change for us. recognize all i have done for her". it shows a few things - my own co-dependency and low self-esteem. 2- she wont change until she hits such a rock bottom that she has to herself decide for therapy. as long as a borderline keeps getting attention, nothing is wrong with them and they wont go for help. i wish it were different. i have been on BPD websites where diagnosed borderlines write their stories. it wasnt fun. we know they are suffering. we want to help. we all do. but what can we humanly do if they are in denial?
Logged
Emelie Emelie
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 665


« Reply #33 on: July 23, 2014, 06:45:48 PM »

A J is right FG. Borderlines will always up the ante.  You can never do enough to " prove your love."  They will grind you into the ground with devaluation and when you pull your way up and go back pleading for answers and pledging your unwavering love and commitment.  They'll up the ante higher.  Back down to the curb you will go.  It will be your fault too in their mind.  You'll somehow deserve it because you are going to leave them anyway.  You cannot logic with a borderline for your needed answers.  They indeed change the facts to fit THEIR emotions.  Its not fair. Its not right. Its BPD.

Cared Very Much you really said it here.  Gandalf, I think I've cried a river.  Like the Mississippi.  The grief and pain just builds and builds and then I cry and it releases for a bit.  I'm tired of crying but I think it's healthy.  One thing I try and remember is I didn't just cry at the ending(s).  I cried plenty when I was in it too.  I have to believe these tears will end someday.  If we were together they never would.
Logged
FabulousGandalf

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #34 on: July 25, 2014, 11:15:41 AM »

I have been writing and re-writing my e-mail to her. However. I keep deleting it. I want to make sure it's worded the right way and still gets my feelings across. I am starting on this now so I can give it to her in a month or so.

Would there be anyone who understands BPD a lot more than I do, help me with this task? Not do it for me. Just assist in the wording. I'd be forever grateful.
Logged
OutOfEgypt
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1056



« Reply #35 on: July 25, 2014, 11:22:16 AM »

What are you trying to accomplish by writing your letter?  What's the goal?
Logged
FabulousGandalf

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #36 on: July 25, 2014, 11:49:44 AM »

To explain how I feel without looking desprate, to address the issues surrounding the separation.  To explain why I think it's worth saving. A proposed plan of action without seeming weak and submissive. To remind her why we fell in love and got married to begin with. To validate her feelings and show sympathy and empathy.
Logged
OutOfEgypt
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1056



« Reply #37 on: July 25, 2014, 11:57:37 AM »

I think you know what you want to say.  Don't worry about how you "sound".  That, right there, is what makes us come off as "weak" -we're always worrying about how we sound or how they will react.  Just say it, if that is what you want to do.  Just remember that she'll still probably find something wrong with it.  But you have to know you said what you wanted to say.
Logged
MommaBear
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 162



« Reply #38 on: July 25, 2014, 12:21:53 PM »

To explain how I feel without looking desprate, to address the issues surrounding the separation.  To explain why I think it's worth saving. A proposed plan of action without seeming weak and submissive. To remind her why we fell in love and got married to begin with. To validate her feelings and show sympathy and empathy.

FG, I've been where you are. I have, LITERALLY, over 1000 pages of Facebook conversations where I tried endlessly to articulate my feelings, all thought out and beautifully worded, all reviewed and re-written before sending, also with the intention of not seeming weak or submissive.

pwBPD shape facts to match their emotions, and not the other way around. Read that carefully ... .THEIR emotions, not yours. Yours, although real, valid, and certainly a fact in and of itself, have no bearing on how they think or feel.

You can be the most eloquent, articualte speech writer on earth, but ultimately it comes down to how she's feeling the moment she reads your email. If she's feeling this way or that, it'll dictate her response.

And because feelings come and go, don't expect any potential "progress" you make to last before the next wave on the emotional rollercoater takes place.

Just some thoughts from a seasoned veteran (when it comes to writing and re-writing how I feel). Better to post it here. That way you're guarnteed some validation, new ways of looking at the situation, and a chance to heal. I for one would be glad to read your email and help you though it.  
Logged
OutOfEgypt
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1056



« Reply #39 on: July 25, 2014, 01:06:34 PM »

Excerpt
You can be the most eloquent, articualte speech writer on earth, but ultimately it comes down to how she's feeling the moment she reads your email. If she's feeling this way or that, it'll dictate her response.

I second all of what MommaBear said.  I don't want to discourage you from doing what you want to do.  But in all honesty, I look back and think "what's the point?"  At the end of the day, my feelings really played no part in anything.  Their feelings, however, always are pressed onto center stage.  If you want to be heard, you won't be.  Sorry.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #40 on: July 25, 2014, 02:21:52 PM »

To explain how I feel without looking desprate, to address the issues surrounding the separation.  To explain why I think it's worth saving. A proposed plan of action without seeming weak and submissive. To remind her why we fell in love and got married to begin with. To validate her feelings and show sympathy and empathy.

Hi FabulousGandolf,

I'm sorry about the traumatic event with your spouse and she was in the hospital   I don't agree with a medical doctor telling your wife she is a borderline personality disorder. It is a complex and misunderstood disorder and it can make her symptoms worse by telling her that she's BPD. I'm not a professional but if she's BPD it's a part of her personality, her reality is as real to her as yours is to you. She's just wired differently and the disorder is emotional based.

She is your spouse and you care very much for her and you would like to help. You share a hobby with her. You have been going through a lot in a short period of time. If I understand correctly a judge put a restraining order on her for 90 days? It is difficult to accept that a loved on has a mental illness that we cannot fix for them. Is she self aware that there's something different about her or is she in denial? The willing to change and seek help has to come from her and the people that live her can support her getting herself into therapy. She needs to want that. Change needs to come from you and she may not have it in here to be able to change, you'll need to adapt.

Learn as much as you can about BPD to understand the behaviors and become indifferent and depersonalized to her behaviors. For example, if she gets upset about something that she believes to be right with because she believes it, doesn't necessary mean that we need to dig our heels in because you know your reality.

7 weeks is a short period of time. A pwBPD live in the moment and it's difficult for them to recall memories due to the way that they feel in the moment. I understand your intentions but it's communicating in a way that she'll likely understand better. Explaining to her the reasons why you fell in love and got married may backfire on you depending on how she feels in the here and now. How does that sound to you?

Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
FabulousGandalf

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #41 on: July 26, 2014, 08:49:52 PM »

Well I sent my letter. Earlier today I tried to call her just for a civil conversation. She's completely ignoring me. The letter was my final attempt. I am going to set up a marriage counselor for mid September and give her the date in hopes that she shows up. It really breaks my heart that she just tossed me aside. I feel completely worthless right now. I honestly never want to come out of this apt again.  :'( :'(
Logged
FabulousGandalf

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #42 on: July 26, 2014, 09:07:42 PM »

To explain how I feel without looking desprate, to address the issues surrounding the separation.  To explain why I think it's worth saving. A proposed plan of action without seeming weak and submissive. To remind her why we fell in love and got married to begin with. To validate her feelings and show sympathy and empathy.

Hi FabulousGandolf,

I'm sorry about the traumatic event with your spouse and she was in the hospital   I don't agree with a medical doctor telling your wife she is a borderline personality disorder. It is a complex and misunderstood disorder and it can make her symptoms worse by telling her that she's BPD. I'm not a professional but if she's BPD it's a part of her personality, her reality is as real to her as yours is to you. She's just wired differently and the disorder is emotional based.

She is your spouse and you care very much for her and you would like to help. You share a hobby with her. You have been going through a lot in a short period of time. If I understand correctly a judge put a restraining order on her for 90 days? It is difficult to accept that a loved on has a mental illness that we cannot fix for them. Is she self aware that there's something different about her or is she in denial? The willing to change and seek help has to come from her and the people that live her can support her getting herself into therapy. She needs to want that. Change needs to come from you and she may not have it in here to be able to change, you'll need to adapt.

Learn as much as you can about BPD to understand the behaviors and become indifferent and depersonalized to her behaviors. For example, if she gets upset about something that she believes to be right with because she believes it, doesn't necessary mean that we need to dig our heels in because you know your reality.

7 weeks is a short period of time. A pwBPD live in the moment and it's difficult for them to recall memories due to the way that they feel in the moment. I understand your intentions but it's communicating in a way that she'll likely understand better. Explaining to her the reasons why you fell in love and got married may backfire on you depending on how she feels in the here and now. How does that sound to you?

No, the judge put a restraining order on me for 90 days. She asked me the day after she left if she could come and get her stuff. I told her "the kids' clothes, your clothes and toiletries." Reason being is she left me once before. With a pile of bills so I pawned a majority of her precious games and gaming systems to pay the rent. Well she decided that she needed a DVP against me to get her stuff. She lied to the judge about what happened and they granted her one. Even though the day that all this happened I couldn't get a RO against her for her violent behavior. They said it was a mental hygeine issue. I filed for one of those. Got denied and was told it was a domestic issue. I went and tried to get another RO. Denied. She shows up at 3pm with a RO against me and gets her stuff. The system in this state sucks.

Also, I never thought to include the reasons why we fell in love and got married. Man I wish I had thought of that before I sent it.
Logged
FabulousGandalf

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #43 on: July 29, 2014, 06:57:44 PM »

After a conversation with my wife today. I realized that her and I can not be a committed, married couple living together. We were absolutely fine until I moved in with her years ago. Then our relationship steadily declined. We we fine just dating. I have struggled with this for two months now and have been in a dark place. I agreed with most of what she said. Some things I did not. At this point I am ready to sign the divorce papers, uncontested and get on with the healing. She said she didn't hate me, and didn't even dislike me. She also gave me a confidence boost, which actually made me happy.

I asked her to remain friends with me in hopes we can be just that. Friends. Two geeks who can talk about random stuff and not our past. Who knows, maybe somewhere down the line we can go out again for a drink or something. I can't say I wouldn't get emotional if I saw another man on her arm out in public somewhere, but that's part of healing. I wish her the best of luck in life. No grievences, no hate, all that has transpired over the last few years is completely forgiven.

I am very sad, but this is for the best. I just hope I can get through this in one piece.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!