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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Dealing with when a disinterested co-parent becomes interested  (Read 365 times)
iluminati
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« on: July 21, 2014, 01:45:27 PM »

I have a bit of a dilemma to deal with.  I have been the primary caregiver of D4 since birth, and my ex-wBPD is her mother.  There has been an ongoing pattern where she'll detach from dealing with anything regarding my daughter for a few weeks, then get involved, hear about something untoward and wonder what's going on.

For example, this past weekend, D4 was off for a visitation visit when she told my wife about some kids telling her that she smelled at day camp and that she had no friends.  Concerned, she asked me what was going on and made a point about something needing to be done.  It was then I told her that she had, by and large, gotten along with the younger campers there, that she had friends (and identified them as such), but also that she had some issues with occasional bathroom accidents and wiping herself.  In addition, I mentioned that the camp's population trends towards older school-aged kids, so that might be a source of friction.  Once I told her the whole situation, she kept insisting that something needed to be done when I alerted her that various things were being done relative to her issues.

Now, this was just one incident, but it seems to be a part of a pattern.  She'll not care, then care immensely, trying to be Supermom before she completely detaches again.  I don't want to completely remove my ex completely out of my D4's life, but I also can't have her swooping in and trying to fix situations with which she has no particular knowledge or understanding about.  How should I move forward?
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He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.~ Matthew 5:45
livednlearned
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« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2014, 03:47:46 PM »

Is she trying to actively do anything with the camp? Or is she focused mostly on having you fix things.
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iluminati
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« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2014, 03:56:11 PM »

She isn't actively involved.  She just wants me to fix things for her.  That's the frustrating part.
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He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.~ Matthew 5:45
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