BPDex alleges I am inventing our children's special needs

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I need help. Ex with possible BPD just when under record in a court social study saying she believes I have Munchausen's Syndrome because I have been taking the kids get diagnosed and have actually gotten them (through said diagnosis) in Special Education. One of our children has Autism, the other has ADHD and Anxiety. The school can vouch that there is a legitimate reason. The clinics that did the diagnosis are well known and have half-dozen experts making the decision of their special needs. Anyone has some words of wisdom on how to protect against this possible false-charge she is attempting to make?

On the plus side, the social study was overal positive for both parents asking both to remain in the children's lives and to have a split-custody arrangement. I'm just concerned it is a band-aid as it is leaving the boy's Special needs open to further evaluation by the court.

[trying2coparent]

I need help. Ex with possible BPD just when under record in a court social study saying she believes I have Munchausen's Syndrome because I have been taking the kids get diagnosed and have actually gotten them (through said diagnosis) in Special Education. One of our children has Autism, the other has ADHD and Anxiety. The school can vouch that there is a legitimate reason. The clinics that did the diagnosis are well known and have half-dozen experts making the decision of their special needs. Anyone has some words of wisdom on how to protect against this possible false-charge she is attempting to make?

On the plus side, the social study was overal positive for both parents asking both to remain in the children's lives and to have a split-custody arrangement. I'm just concerned it is a band-aid as it is leaving the boy's Special needs open to further evaluation by the court.

[momtara]

Courts trust the experts.  Her charges may sound annoying and scary, but she doesn't have a prayer if the school is on board.  Plus any medical professional will also make similar diagnoses.  My exH tried to say similar things about our kids.  Our Parent Coordinator called our doctor, who told her that I don't bring the kids in for unnecessary reasons or tests.

As others on this board, and lawyers, have told me:  They can say anything they want.  They have to prove it.

[trying2coparent]

Courts trust the experts.  Her charges may sound annoying and scary, but she doesn't have a prayer if the school is on board.  Plus any medical professional will also make similar diagnoses.  My exH tried to say similar things about our kids.  Our Parent Coordinator called our doctor, who told her that I don't bring the kids in for unnecessary reasons or tests.

As others on this board, and lawyers, have told me:  They can say anything they want.  They have to prove it.

Thank you. Yes, I do have the school on board. I also have done all evaluations/diagnostics through professional well known clinics in town with multiple diagnosticians participating.

I was just informed on another board that there are maybe a dozen cases of Maunchensen Syndrome by proxy a year, if that. Thus, I will take your mantra... .she can say anything, but she'll have to prove it.

The way I see it there are two options now:

1. We settle and she gives me the true 50-50... .We're currently at 4 overnights her, 3 overnights me. Mine are at the weekend so getting the kids help has been extremely hard.

2. Proceed to court and show how I have helped the kids despite her slowing me down and her denying treatment.

I am hoping she will settle based on the recent social study showing we are both good parents and the kids deserve us in the lives equally. However, she will probably fight this for the money (child support). Family court, sad sad sad.

[momtara]

Can you give up more money in exchange for another overnight or something else you want? You aren't supposed to negotiate like that, but there are subtle ways of doing it.   3 overnights a week isn't bad, compared to what some dads get... .just make sure you ARE indeed able to get your kids the right help.  If she has residential custody she may have more say, so do what you can to make sure they can keep getting the help.

You sound like you are actually in a strong position and good at setting the appropriate boundaries.  Courts like that.

[david]

Learn as much as you can about each childs specific needs. If you go to court and you can show you understand what the experts are saying then the courts will lean towards your ideas/plans/etc. Make sure you have those plans written down so you don't miss anything. Also have a future plan for things that will be coming up for each childs individual needs. Showing the courts you are doing what is best for the kids doea have an influence.

As an aside, I have found that when my ex accusses me of something it is usually projection on her part. It may just be a fear of hers and she is trying to blame me for it.

[livednlearned]

BPD sufferers make a lot of allegations, and after living with them for a long time, we tend to let them rent space in our head. It's hard to get centered around this stuff when custody battles are active, which is why it's great to have friends here who have been through a lot of this, and can give you a sense of how similar behaviors played out for us. 

There is nothing to his claims, and if he presses this stuff too hard, it might backfire on him. If a team of professionals, both medical and educational, are saying your kids have these diagnoses, and your ex is saying it's all in your head, he'll look the trouble parent. Also, court isn't going to listen to him diagnose you.

If you walk into court (or even just mediation) with school reports and doctor evaluations, and everyone says the same thing, you'll look like a conscientious, attentive, credible parent.

My ex is a lawyer who represents himself. Every time we have a hearing, he says that my son is failing school, that I took him out of the gifted program, that I convinced everyone he needed a 504 plan to get attention. The problem is that S13 got excellent grades, he's in the gifted program, and it's a mystery to me how a 504 plan gets anyone attention. It's just a bunch of accommodation, no special services, and one meeting a year. Not only that, N/BPDx can go request these records. Instead, he stands up in court and makes accusations, and then my lawyer stands up and sets the record straight and everyone moves on.

The other side of this is that BPD sufferers help us by giving us clues what they are going to accuse us of in court. So like david said, learn as much as you can about the dx process, how the school does things, the services your kids will get, how they were doing, how they are doing now.

[trying2coparent]

Thanks for the good replies. I am still working on not letting my ex' accusations scare me. We sent her attorney a deal based along the lines of the social study. Kids would be with each parent on a one week on, one week off basis. Currently I have the weekends, she has the weekdays. This isn't working. The kids had a high number of absences and tardies, low homework completion on her time, and zero-participation from her on school meetings (ARD/IEP, parent-teacher conferences, taking kids to tutoring, etc.). All I am asking for in equal parenting time and more week days. She is fighting this as I currently pay her child support and wouldn't be able to do the entirety of it with the 50-50 plan. The social study has asked both of us to contribute so she would pay me and I'll just be giving her the difference in our salaries. I wish I could pay her off, but sadly I am not rich and the money I will save will go to the kids therapies, which she is not paying.

Anyway, I was at first concerned about her accusations, but after reading about it and what you (and others) have said I am in a much better mindset. If she goes in accusing me of this, I will have all the documentations backing me up. I'm also going to talk to the lawyer to subpoena school staff if I need to. I'm just doing my best to help our sons and she keeps putting road blocks. Why? She currently gets one extra overnight and feels as though she gets the final say on anything. The experts have all rolled their eyes and gone with the best interest of the child. Example, she tries to block the speech evaluation of my youngest son (free and at school). The school staff sided with me and did the evaluation as it was in the best interest. The child now goes to Speech Therapy almost 2 times per week when school is in session!

[livednlearned]

I wish I understood why BPD sufferers block our kids from getting services. Mine tried to do that too.

If you can, engage your ex in email. Those emails pretty much sealed things in my favor. N/BPDx didn't go to any therapy visits, didn't meet with anyone at the school, tried to obstruct doctor visits, you know the drill. But he also wrote things in emails that contradicted what he said in court.   

One word that the judge used in my hearings was stonewalling. My judge saw stonewalling for what it was immediately -- in my court, stonewalling is about as bad as negligence and abuse, even though it's not a legal thing. It's just one of those behaviors that many of us deal with. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but when he said it, that helped me realize stonewalling is what N/BPDx does best. Maybe keep a file about all the ways your ex stonewalls decisions or actions meant to help the kids. It might help you get legal custody if that's possible where you live.

My ex stonewalled so many decisions that the judge gave me full custody. It took a while, unfortunately, but I chipped away at it until it was pretty clear N/BPDx was never going to do the work to get S13 what he needed, just come into court and make allegations that I was a bad mom, meanwhile having no evidence of that, and having no evidence he was doing anything to help S13.

[trying2coparent]

I wish I understood why BPD sufferers block our kids from getting services. Mine tried to do that too.

If you can, engage your ex in email. Those emails pretty much sealed things in my favor. N/BPDx didn't go to any therapy visits, didn't meet with anyone at the school, tried to obstruct doctor visits, you know the drill. But he also wrote things in emails that contradicted what he said in court.   

One word that the judge used in my hearings was stonewalling. My judge saw stonewalling for what it was immediately -- in my court, stonewalling is about as bad as negligence and abuse, even though it's not a legal thing. It's just one of those behaviors that many of us deal with. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but when he said it, that helped me realize stonewalling is what N/BPDx does best. Maybe keep a file about all the ways your ex stonewalls decisions or actions meant to help the kids. It might help you get legal custody if that's possible where you live.

My ex stonewalled so many decisions that the judge gave me full custody. It took a while, unfortunately, but I chipped away at it until it was pretty clear N/BPDx was never going to do the work to get S13 what he needed, just come into court and make allegations that I was a bad mom, meanwhile having no evidence of that, and having no evidence he was doing anything to help S13.

Thanks for sharing your story. I currently have the kids 3 overnights per week, but they all fall on the weekends so it's felt like moving mountains to get them to their appointments and to get them diagnosed. The school has been very beneficial in providing tons of their therapies for free, but they still need some outside ones that the ex refuses to pay calling them "elective." I do have most of her antics in email, but I am a bit worried how it will play in court.

Here is where I am at. Social study recommends same equal custodial rights, but makes no mentions on change in parenting time. We sent a proposal for split 50-50 on week on/week off basis. I realize it will be a band-aid to the bigger problem, but it will help me get them on week-days to help them with their school work (currently help them do 60% of their homework, despite only having them 2 hours on their HW nights). It's a nightmare. It is even worse as I pay her full child support, despite having had them over 50% (43% on paper). I am worried sick, but hope I can get more time with them when this modification is over. We shall see.

[david]

I copied every homework our boys do. I have one paper showing the total and also the breakdown. They do over 90% of their homework when with me. I also detailed whether the homework is complete and correct. All the homeworks with me are and it's about 50/50 when with their mom. I then have a pile (over an inch thick) of every homewrok. When in front of the judge my atty will hand both to the judge as evidence. The judge will look at the one sheet with the totals. He will then give both to ex and ask he if she agrees with the one sheet. She has the choice of looking through each homework or just agree with the single sheet. As long as it is introduced as evidence the judge must use it in his ruling. I have the last two years this way. I initiated a change in custody last July but ex has delayed things. She has no more legal delay options left and things should be decided before this school year starts.

Documentation is very important when going to court.

[trying2coparent]

I copied every homework our boys do. I have one paper showing the total and also the breakdown. They do over 90% of their homework when with me. I also detailed whether the homework is complete and correct. All the homeworks with me are and it's about 50/50 when with their mom. I then have a pile (over an inch thick) of every homewrok. When in front of the judge my atty will hand both to the judge as evidence. The judge will look at the one sheet with the totals. He will then give both to ex and ask he if she agrees with the one sheet. She has the choice of looking through each homework or just agree with the single sheet. As long as it is introduced as evidence the judge must use it in his ruling. I have the last two years this way. I initiated a change in custody last July but ex has delayed things. She has no more legal delay options left and things should be decided before this school year starts.

Documentation is very important when going to court.

Thanks, I do the same except I haven't made the actual collection of it. It's all pictures/scans at this point. I'm going to begin working on a binder just for homework. Good idea on the quality of the homework. There are many times I've had to make corrections for work done at their mothers. One thing I also do is sign each piece of homework the kids do with me as it shows the teacher who is doing what. It's also good to show the judge. Good ideas!

[david]

I sign every homework and so does their mom. I copy each when they are done. When I pick them up and they have done work at their mom's I copy that. If there are mistakes/incompletes/etc. I have them fix and then make another copy which is also signed by me and dated.

We just finshed up a custody eval. In the joint meeting the evaluator brought the homework issue up. He asked if ex had any thoughts on the homewrok not being done at her place. Ex replied, " I already did fourth grade homework and have no intention of doing it again." I felt like giving her a hug after that one.  The evaluator then talked about our oldest not doing homewrok at her place. Ex replied that it was my fault Because I need to "put my foot up his ___ to make him do homework" at her place. The report came back and there is nothing negative about me in it. It is often said on this site, give enough rope and they will use it.

I tried co parenting years ago and found that it was an effort in futility. I went with parallel parenting and that was a major improvement. After doing that I realized ex has nothing to offer the kids and used me when we were together. She picked up on my direction and took over. Without me there she has nothing to help them. I didn't notice it until after we were separated for some time. When we were together it felt like we were always on the same page in our thinking.

[livednlearned]

I don't know if it's an ADHD thing, but S13 really struggled to remember to hand homework in. He would carry his homework back and forth from house to school for several days. I didn't want to walk in with him every day to help him remember because he needed lifelong skills to help him, not me. But if I didn't help him, then his grades suffered, and N/BPDx would throw fits in court.

So I just talked to his teachers and we came up with a plan. I was allowed to scan and email his homework the day S13 did it. That way the teacher knew he was doing it on time. But we still worked with him to try and hand in the original -- he knew I was emailing the teacher, but he didn't realize it was his homework, so he continued to work on remembering to hand things in.

His therapist told me that kids with ADHD develop more executive control by the time they're 13 or so, and that has turned out to be true. He still struggles to remember things, but he's much better. He internalized some of the strategies and gets things in on time about 70% of the time.

Do you think your kids' teachers would work with you in a similar way? Maybe let them know that your ex has a very different idea about what will help the kids excel. That you only see them on the weekend, and can't spend the entire time with them doing homework, but maybe there is a compromise that you can come up with.

Ideally, you would have 50/50, but if that's not going to happen anytime soon, then maybe trying to come up with a plan to minimize homework for your kids, or see if they can have a "resources" hour at school (where they do homework with a teacher's aide for an hour instead of another class).

We have to be creative when coparenting with a disordered ex spouse. 

[david]

When our S11 was in third grade his teacher had all the assignments for the week online on Monday. That worked well. He went to fourth grade and his teacher gave assignments the day before they were due. Our son wasn't the only one "forgetting" what he had to do. I was in regular contact with his teacher and explained how well last year worked. His teacher thought about it and changed. She had quite a few of her students with the same issue so it wasn't just our son. Having the entire week on Monday let me plan things. S11 complained and I pointed out that he wasn't doing any homework at his moms so he had to do xyz on Monday (my day) and finish up on Thursday (my day too). Eventually he did some homework at his moms so he didn't have as much to do when he was with me. I figured we were both learning how to deal with the situation we were in.