How do you forgive?

[flowerpath]

Now I understand some of reasons for the lack of responsibility, the unwise choices, the financial devastation, and the physical violence that results in destroyed property, and feel as if I have gotten past them emotionally.  All of that happens to things. 

But because of the accumulation of subtle digs, blatant cutting remarks, cursing and vulgar name calling that come across in hatred, and the frightening speeding and reckless driving in fits of anger that put our lives at risk, a long time ago I got to the point that I could not look at him in the same way anymore and backed away emotionally.  Even in a period of calm, sometimes I just cannot even look at his face, and when I do, I really don’t trust it.  Now add to that, the realization there is a perspective, a thought process that is markedly different from normal. 

How do you forgive?  How do you honestly live with this without feeling like you are just a robot, going through the motions? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi flowerpath, I understand where you're coming from. My BPD gf cheated and I forgave her. Her actions hurt me and our relationship tremendously to the point that I broke up with her. But then we reconciled months later, something that could never have happened without forgiveness.

Maybe everybody is different, but for me forgiveness isn't the same as forgetting. To me forgiveness is part of radical acceptance: that the past can't be changed; it is what it is. Did it hurt? Yes, a lot! Do I believe it was worth forgiving and trying again? I am trying to make it work, she is trying too. Nobody gets into a relationship giving it a finite lifetime, we just figure it out as we go along. Sometimes it's forever, sometimes not.

Do I trust her 100% never to cheat again? No. I know what I value and what I want, so I know what I will do if it happens again. I believe that I treat her in a way that reinforces what I want in our relationship (just as she does to me as well), and so I do my best to not resent her past behavior.

This is just my way of handling things. Not everybody will have the same approach, and what works for me might not work for you.

[ziniztar]

Flowerpath, This definately is hard.  

I can forgive him because he is ill. I would also forgive him if he got into a car accident, into a wheelchair, and wouldn't be able to go for long walks with me anymore when I wanted to. You would adapt a lot more easily, allthough that would also cause pain and negative emotions. For some reason as this is a personality disorder, you feel it is himself doing this willingly. And although it seems that way, it is not.

It does not mean you should accept all types of (abusive) behaviour.

Have you considered the fact that you are not trapped in this? You are not forced to forgive him. You have a choice to walk away, grieve, and move on to someone else. If that last sentence makes you feel very uncomfortable and maybe even a little angry, you are probably not ready to leave him yet. Good!   That means you have just decided to choose to stay, willingly. Which is your first step in finding forgiveness.

[refusetosuccumb]

Great question.

Infidelity is my line in the sand for myself. 

My expbdh cheated on me last year.  I chose to forgive and move towards reconciliation, with the understanding that if this ever happened again there would be no more marriage.  I caught him again, almost a year to the day, and I left.  I am never returning to him.  We have kids, so LC is the way I need to deal with him.

I have chosen to forgive him for myself.  I don't need to badger him about his choices, he knows what transpired and why I chose to leave.  That is consequence enough, in my opinion.  I try to keep things lighthearted in our interactions for the sake of the kids.  I can forgive my ex because I have no hope of him ever changing.  He is who he is now.  I need to accept that but I don't need to subject myself any longer.

Hope that made sense

[formflier]

Great question.

Infidelity is my line in the sand for myself. 

My expbdh cheated on me last year.  I chose to forgive and move towards reconciliation, with the understanding that if this ever happened again there would be no more marriage.  I caught him again, almost a year to the day, and I left.  I am never returning to him.  We have kids, so LC is the way I need to deal with him.

I have chosen to forgive him for myself.  I don't need to badger him about his choices, he knows what transpired and why I chose to leave.  That is consequence enough, in my opinion.  I try to keep things lighthearted in our interactions for the sake of the kids.  I can forgive my ex because I have no hope of him ever changing.  He is who he is now.  I need to accept that but I don't need to subject myself any longer.

Hope that made sense

Thanks for this post!  I was able to follow your thinking and decisions.  Sounds like you are in a good place with your boundaries.

[Hope26]

Excellent question, Flowerpath.  In my case, I can only say that the good he does and the good person he is when he's not dysregulating, have so far allowed me to resign myself to the bad behavior, which consists of many of the things that you mention.  Also, I think I'm beginning to learn 'radical acceptance', or at least some form of acceptance, by not reacting with anger toward him when he behaves badly.  At least not as much as in the past.  I just tell him I can't deal with his 'mood swings' and I leave the room.  He doesn't realize that he has had a 'mood swing' until I cite specific instances, of verbal abuse or whatever, but if I can do so without anger he seems more willing to listen.  He actually apologized for being an '___hole' the day after his last episode (his word, not mine).  It's hard not to forgive someone who is genuinely sorry.

[flowerpath]

Thank you.  All of your responses have given me several things to consider. 

Actually, zinzitar, the only thing that made me uncomfortable was “move on to someone else”. At the moment, I honestly don’t think that I could take a risk on ending up in another situation similar to this.

Over all of these years, there has been only one time after which he apologized.  That was about 2 months ago.  One morning he started yelling at me after getting a phone call from work that made him angry.  (Now I know that I should have left the room.)  I got my cell phone, turned the recorder on, and he changed his tone immediately.

Later that evening, he said it was the first time he had ever felt sorry for doing that. 

I need to think more about what my boundaries really are.

[formflier]

Thank you.  All of your responses have given me several things to consider. 

Actually, zinzitar, the only thing that made me uncomfortable was “move on to someone else”. At the moment, I honestly don’t think that I could take a risk on ending up in another situation similar to this.

Over all of these years, there has been only one time after which he apologized.  That was about 2 months ago.  One morning he started yelling at me after getting a phone call from work that made him angry.  (Now I know that I should have left the room.)  I got my cell phone, turned the recorder on, and he changed his tone immediately.

Later that evening, he said it was the first time he had ever felt sorry for doing that. 

I need to think more about what my boundaries really are.

Flowerpath,

Very insightful post.  I think you are on your way to making things much better for YOU!  This is because I sense that you are able to tell "what happened"... .and then are able to describe what you need to work on. 

Many people seem to have the attitude that "if only my pwBPD would do xyz... all would be better".  Pining your hopes on things getting better on your pwBPD changing is likely to be frustrating.

Much more likely that you change first... .and then your pwBPD will react to those changes.

I would like to follow up on your boundary question... .

Break this into two parts... .and describe this from the point of view of your SO.

1.  Based on my actions... .what are my boundaries now.

2.  In a relationship that is more healthy for me... .what would those actions look like.

Maybe a third option:  If you think any of these changes might be very big changes.  Are there reasonable interim steps that can be taken in the right direction.

Hang in there!   

[waverider]

Forgiveness is closely tied to resentment.

Resentment is lessened while you accept that you have made a choice, that you are not forced to do any of this, and it is not a default life.

Learning about the disorder and the various coping tools helps you make an informed choice, that you can better live with.

Eventually once you learn not to take things personally the resentment reduces to periodic frustrations, which you more readily get over without compounding dislike.

Forgiveness then becomes easier

[formflier]

Eventually once you learn not to take things personally the resentment reduces to periodic frustrations, which you more readily get over without compounding dislike.

"not taking things personally"... .is something that I am currently focusing on.  Last night had a big disappointment.  She picked someone else's feelings (my son's) over my feelings... .and was very obvious about it. 

I think she was more focused on him ... .than trying to be mean to me.  Once I took a deep breath and was conscious about not taking it personally... .I was able to move on better.

Honestly... .there is still some resentment... .but I think I can work with it. 

[waverider]

Honestly... .there is still some resentment... .but I think I can work with it. 

Don't think you can completely get rid of it, but it does become more manageable. Especially if you see it for what it is and can accept our part in it as part of human nature.

We learn so much about how we tick ourselves on this journey.

A mental bootcamp to improve the fitness of our minds 

[flowerpath]

I would like to follow up on your boundary question... .

Break this into two parts... .and describe this from the point of view of your SO.

1.  Based on my actions... .what are my boundaries now.

2.  In a relationship that is more healthy for me... .what would those actions look like.

Maybe a third option:  If you think any of these changes might be very big changes.  Are there reasonable interim steps that can be taken in the right direction.

Hang in there!   

Formflier, this a totally different perspective - looking at the screaming/cursing/physical violence from my husband's point of view.  I think our relationship would be healthier if at first the boundary were set at screaming.  Screaming often progresses to cursing and then from cursing to throwing and breaking things, so it would make sense to start with screaming. 

So, describing it from my husband's point of view:

1. Based on my actions... .my boundary is now screaming.

2. In a relationship that is more healthy for me, I would express my emotions in a calmer voice. 

It helps that I am learning better ways to express my boundaries so that I will not exacerbate the problem. 

Waverider, re: resentment.  I have a real problem there.  Starting a new topic with that. 

[formflier]

I would like to follow up on your boundary question... .

Break this into two parts... .and describe this from the point of view of your SO.

1.  Based on my actions... .what are my boundaries now.

2.  In a relationship that is more healthy for me... .what would those actions look like.

Maybe a third option:  If you think any of these changes might be very big changes.  Are there reasonable interim steps that can be taken in the right direction.

Hang in there!   

Formflier, this a totally different perspective - looking at the screaming/cursing/physical violence from my husband's point of view.  I think our relationship would be healthier if at first the boundary were set at screaming.  Screaming often progresses to cursing and then from cursing to throwing and breaking things, so it would make sense to start with screaming. 

So, describing it from my husband's point of view:

1. Based on my actions... .my boundary is now screaming.

2. In a relationship that is more healthy for me, I would express my emotions in a calmer voice. 

It helps that I am learning better ways to express my boundaries so that I will not exacerbate the problem. 

Waverider, re: resentment.  I have a real problem there.  Starting a new topic with that. 

Good! 

So... .what is going to look like if I was watching you two in a room... and he starts screaming at you?

Also... .what is going to be like in your head... .as you process this?  Remember... .de-escalate and enforce the boundary... .what can be done so a boundary is less likely to be perceived as abandonment?

How's that for more questions?   

[ColdEthyl]

The hardest lesson I've had to learn so far was to not take things personal. For me, once I discovered what was going on, and did internet research, and read the books, I've had to "re-do" how I think and look at things. If I wish to stay in my marriage, which I do, then that's just something I've had to accept. Now, I'm not talking about accepting every piece of bad behavior, because I won't and I don't, but no matter how much medicine they are on or therapy they attend, they will still dysregulate from time to time.

Eventually once you learn not to take things personally the resentment reduces to periodic frustrations, which you more readily get over without compounding dislike.

"not taking things personally"... .is something that I am currently focusing on.  Last night had a big disappointment.  She picked someone else's feelings (my son's) over my feelings... .and was very obvious about it. 

I think she was more focused on him ... .than trying to be mean to me.  Once I took a deep breath and was conscious about not taking it personally... .I was able to move on better.

Honestly... .there is still some resentment... .but I think I can work with it. 

[bpbreakout]

This is such a great topic and the hardest part of the whole BPD “deal” for me. My understanding of Christianity is that God’s door is open to forgive us but we need to be the ones that get up and walk through the door by asking for forgiveness.

In the context of a relationship that means forgiveness needs to be something that someone needs to ask for if it’s going to work properly.  That in turn means the person asking needs to recognise what they have done. I’m married to someone with BPD and have put up with a lot through the years, criticism, verbal abuse (violent at one stage), smear campaigns, major issues with our children,  you name it. I don’t think she has been unfaithful but I don’t know for certain. I have felt resentful for a long about the appalling way she has treated me but I’m much better now. She has never asked me for forgiveness. Sometimes she reluctantly acknowledges that she can be difficult at times but that’s about it.

The things that help me being in a state of mind where I can forgive her are looking after myself  (that means trying to keep fit, trying to do things socially with other people, some therapy, this website) and generally trying to be myself. It’s difficult at times as BPDw doesn’t really support me and often resents me especially when I have my own issues to deal with (currently about to have an operation which will impact me looking after myself in a lot of ways). Ultimately the feeling that I can deal with things on my own and that I am my own person with my own values is what keeps me going & separate from all the BPD craziness. I often wish I was in a “normal” relationship.

BPDw is very angry with the world and has a lot of FOO issues. We are due to see an MC soon. I have turned the whole forgiveness thing on it’s head by asking her to list the ways in which I have wronged her so that I can ask her forgiveness. I have a feeling she will avoid this as it might be a step forward to her letting go of a lot of her resentments. I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing this 6 months ago. I’m coming to the point where I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is so angry so I want to find out whether she can forgive me for not being perfect.

[formflier]

This is such a great topic and the hardest part of the whole BPD “deal” for me. My understanding of Christianity is that God’s door is open to forgive us but we need to be the ones that get up and walk through the door by asking for forgiveness.

In the context of a relationship that means forgiveness needs to be something that someone needs to ask for if it’s going to work properly.  That in turn means the person asking needs to recognise what they have done. I’m married to someone with BPD and have put up with a lot through the years, criticism, verbal abuse (violent at one stage), smear campaigns, major issues with our children,  you name it. I don’t think she has been unfaithful but I don’t know for certain. I have felt resentful for a long about the appalling way she has treated me but I’m much better now. She has never asked me for forgiveness. Sometimes she reluctantly acknowledges that she can be difficult at times but that’s about it.

The things that help me being in a state of mind where I can forgive her are looking after myself  (that means trying to keep fit, trying to do things socially with other people, some therapy, this website) and generally trying to be myself. It’s difficult at times as BPDw doesn’t really support me and often resents me especially when I have my own issues to deal with (currently about to have an operation which will impact me looking after myself in a lot of ways). Ultimately the feeling that I can deal with things on my own and that I am my own person with my own values is what keeps me going & separate from all the BPD craziness. I often wish I was in a “normal” relationship.

BPDw is very angry with the world and has a lot of FOO issues. We are due to see an MC soon. I have turned the whole forgiveness thing on it’s head by asking her to list the ways in which I have wronged her so that I can ask her forgiveness. I have a feeling she will avoid this as it might be a step forward to her letting go of a lot of her resentments. I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing this 6 months ago. I’m coming to the point where I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is so angry so I want to find out whether she can forgive me for not being perfect.

Some of this sounds similar to some things I'm going through in my r/s.  Do you mind sharing what your BPDw is mad at the world over... .and what the FOO issues are?

Do you think those issues are legitimate? 

[flowerpath]

How's that for more questions?   

Hey – school doesn’t start ‘til Monday!

Good! 

So... .what is going to look like if I was watching you two in a room... and he starts screaming at you?

Also... .what is going to be like in your head... .as you process this?  Remember... .de-escalate and enforce the boundary... .what can be done so a boundary is less likely to be perceived as abandonment?

How's that for more questions?   

I’m working on keeping the Boy Scouts motto in the back of my mind:  Be Prepared.

So in every conversation, I’m paying close attention to try to identify the emotion behind the words and tone and the reason for it.  I’d use the tools of support and empathy, and then truth.  If that doesn’t work, I’ll explain that I’m going to take a walk, go for a ride, etc., and can talk about it when we’re both calm. 

I need to study the lessons over and over, though, to be better prepared.   Kind of long here.  I’ve been thinking about forgiveness for a week.

For me, once I discovered what was going on, and did internet research, and read the books, I've had to "re-do" how I think and look at things.

As a result of finding information and support here on this website as well as reading a couple of the recommended books, it feels like maybe this is a turning point. 

My understanding of Christianity is that God’s door is open to forgive us but we need to be the ones that get up and walk through the door by asking for forgiveness.

I’ve thought of this before:  What makes me have such a hard time forgiving when God has forgiven me time and time again?  And earlier this evening, I read about self-righteousness in one of the lessons.  I need a big stamp on my forehead that says “I am a self-righteous person!” 

I have turned the whole forgiveness thing on it’s head by asking her to list the ways in which I have wronged her so that I can ask her forgiveness.

I think this is something I need to do. 

[ColdEthyl]

It’s difficult at times as BPDw doesn’t really support me and often resents me especially when I have my own issues to deal with (currently about to have an operation which will impact me looking after myself in a lot of ways).

This I have a hard time with. To me, your spouse is supposed to b e the one person in the world that has your back, and sometimes it is very lonely with a BPDh who every time you want to talk about a struggle you are having, their response is always how what they deal with is 100 times worse.

[flowerpath]

I've experienced that too.  Also, I learned not to share weak spots in my feelings with my husband because his response is sometimes to get very upset, criticize them, or bring them up later on as a way to get a jab in.  He is the only person I know who will say things to make people feel even worse when they are already having a hard time with something.

I guess the truth of the matter is, if a pwBPD has difficulty managing his or her own emotions, it's unreasonable expect them to respond in a normal way to ours. 

[an0ught]

I've experienced that too.  Also, I learned not to share weak spots in my feelings with my husband because his response is sometimes to get very upset, criticize them, or bring them up later on as a way to get a jab in.  He is the only person I know who will say things to make people feel even worse when they are already having a hard time with something.

I guess the truth of the matter is, if a pwBPD has difficulty managing his or her own emotions, it's unreasonable expect them to respond in a normal way to ours. 

This is sad, understandable and wise for the time being. Unfortunately disclosure is also something that brings us together. When his behavior is more in check and you feel more comfortable with yourself (being able to shrug off him bringing up stuff out of context) maybe you can re-think this stance.

[flowerpath]

Thank you for that suggestion, an0ught.

It reminds me of how someone told me many years ago that we sometimes send out "trial balloons" - small disclosures that are not so risky to find out how a person will treat what we said to them in confidence.  It would be rebuilding from the ground floor. 

[formflier]

Thank you for that suggestion, an0ught.

It reminds me of how someone told me many years ago that we sometimes send out "trial balloons" - small disclosures that are not so risky to find out how a person will treat what we said to them in confidence.  It would be rebuilding from the ground floor. 

There is also the phrase... ."nothing ventured... .nothing lost"... .that is very "safe".  R/s and life in general are not "safe".  There will be disappointments... .we hope to minimize those and handle them appropriately when they happen.

I am really trying to move from a "defensive" stance with my wife to a more open stance.  At some point there will be a disappointment... .but I think my openness has allow her to relax some and share things. 

So... .my final thought on this is to focus on self care and thinking through responses when being open doesn't work out.  Rather than avoiding the chance of a disappointment.

[Samuel S.]

I can only forgive, if my BPDw consistently shows by her example that she is not making me her punching bag for her own frustrations. Also, she needs to authentically apologize to me. The hardest part of forgiving is forgiving myself to be duped by her and for being in the situation I am in. Granted, the lessons and advice on this website are great, although I wish there would be a website for our BPDs who wish to change and to treat others humanely.

[formflier]

I can only forgive, if my BPDw consistently shows by her example that she is not making me her punching bag for her own frustrations. Also, she needs to authentically apologize to me. The hardest part of forgiving is forgiving myself to be duped by her and for being in the situation I am in. Granted, the lessons and advice on this website are great, although I wish there would be a website for our BPDs who wish to change and to treat others humanely.

Samuel S,

How are things going in your r/s? 

[flowerpath]

 

So... .my final thought on this is to focus on self care and thinking through responses when being open doesn't work out.  Rather than avoiding the chance of a disappointment.

formflier, thank you.  I've been working on thinking through responses.  Since the beginning, my husband has fought nearly everything I've wanted to accomplish – even the simplest of things – and they are good things for our family that involve no risk at all!   Sometimes he has been blatantly obvious.  Sometimes he’s fought through passive-aggressive behavior.  I’ve never known anyone else who would put someone down for doing something good or wanting to accomplish something good.  It feels good to move in the direction of taking care of me, things that matter to me, and things that can make life better for our children.  I cannot believe the ways in which I have allowed a disordered mind to take over my life. 

[flowerpath]

Forgiveness is closely tied to resentment.

Resentment is lessened while you accept that you have made a choice, that you are not forced to do any of this, and it is not a default life.

Learning about the disorder and the various coping tools helps you make an informed choice, that you can better live with.

Eventually once you learn not to take things personally the resentment reduces to periodic frustrations, which you more readily get over without compounding dislike.

Forgiveness then becomes easier

waverider, thank you.  I am keeping these words in mind.   Just the words that I have a choice and that am not forced to do any of this lifted a tremendous burden. I've taken some little steps over the years to look out for myself, but there are some behaviors I really had no idea how to respond to and have felt that I have no choice but to live with things the way they are.  Now I'm learning differently. 

[formflier]

 

formflier, thank you.  I've been working on thinking through responses.  Since the beginning, my husband has fought nearly everything I've wanted to accomplish – even the simplest of things – and they are good things for our family that involve no risk at all!   Sometimes he has been blatantly obvious.  Sometimes he’s fought through passive-aggressive behavior.  I’ve never known anyone else who would put someone down for doing something good or wanting to accomplish something good.  It feels good to move in the direction of taking care of me, things that matter to me, and things that can make life better for our children.  I cannot believe the ways in which I have allowed a disordered mind to take over my life. 

Flowerpath,

Can you give a couple of examples of the way a disordered mind has taken over your life?

Can you give some examples of passive aggressive behavior that he uses to fight you on things?

My hope is that we can sharpen your tools a bit... .and help you regain even more control over your life. 

More control = more choices... .that's good for you.

And demonstrating proper behavior with your choices may help your r/s overall.

Hang in there... .and thanks for sharing.   

[flowerpath]

Formflier, I do need some sharp tools. 

How I let a disordered mind take over my life for three decades:

1. While believing that a husband is supposed to be the leader and make good choices for his family, I did not protect myself or our family from his financial irresponsibility.  After creating financial havoc, he has had to file for bankruptcy not once, but twice.  I foolishly thought that words would somehow get through to him and make him realize what he was doing.  When I am paid at the end of this month, I plan to put a portion of my salary into a separate account.  His salary is about half the amount I earn, so I suspect that he will resent my doing this because there’s not much left after basic household expenses are paid, even with our salaries combined.   I need to protect myself and our family from further poor choices and need to know a good way to explain to him what I am doing and why because he will likely be offended.

2.  Behavior.   When we dated, I had no idea the extent to which he drank because he (chameleon) didn’t drink much around me (not much of a drinker).  When we married, I had a rude awakening to his alcohol abuse, and the first 9 years of our marriage were very painful.  I’m thankful that behavior is in the past.  There’s always been an undercurrent of his having some kind of issue with somebody, either a family member or someone at work, and he sometimes takes it out on me.  Some days are good, but other days he makes catty remarks/snide comments out of the blue, makes a sarcastic comment and then says it was meant as a compliment, and he has done this to our sons as well.  Because I don’t know what has gone on in some conversation with somebody outside our house, something I say that would go right past someone else can touch a sore spot and result in unpredictable outbursts of yelling and cursing, throwing/breaking/stomping on things/punching holes in walls.  It can be weeks or even months in between the episodes, but when they happen, it’s bad.   I feel as if I have my boundaries and SET knowledge ready, but my mind is not sly and manipulative the way that his mind is.  It’s hard to put a finger on it and explain it, but he sometimes says things that don’t make sense, so even though I feel as though I am ready with knowledge, sometimes I feel as if I will be a step behind in action.   

A couple of examples of passive aggressive behavior:

1.  He rarely helps with work in and on the house or in the yard.  My sons and I usually take care of those things, but he sighs, complains, and criticizes when something hasn’t been done.  He gripes when I take on some kind of project to improve our house and recently criticized me for starting a project that he recognized needed to be done a long time ago, but never initiated.  I needed his help holding a ladder so I wouldn’t fall off – just for five minutes - and as soon as I got to the top of the ladder, he got angry and started yelling about it because the weather was hot, and he wouldn’t hold the ladder.  He said, “From now on, I’m not going to do anything unless it’s what I want to do!”   He recently started a project in the yard with no specific plan, but he stopped and left a huge mess of things torn up out of the ground.

2.  If something major needs to be addressed, needing a vehicle for instance, he avoids discussing it.  Then when I start doing something about it, he suddenly jumps in to stop it.  He says, “You always have to be the man.”  But the man isn’t helping to take care of it and somebody has to do it. 

[formflier]

   I feel as if I have my boundaries and SET knowledge ready, but my mind is not sly and manipulative the way that his mind is.  It’s hard to put a finger on it and explain it, but he sometimes says things that don’t make sense, so even though I feel as though I am ready with knowledge, sometimes I feel as if I will be a step behind in action. 

Flowerpath,

Great follow up post to my questions... .I think this will help me and others to get a window into your r/s and help you make things better.

I only want to pass on a quick thought... .I'll try to come back later with a more substantial reply to the entire post.

Here is something for you to consider.

" but my mind is not sly and manipulative the way that his mind is"

Approaching a r/s (relationship) with someone that has BPD or displays traits of BPD is tough... .but it cant be done.  Many on this site can give powerful testimonies to that... .many have had to make big choices to be able to do that.

One thing that you have a choice in is how you view your husband.

I invite you to think about the way his mind was described by you.  Then I invite you to go back and read the lessons... .especially #1... "understanding your partners behaviors". 

Come back and post your thoughts.

You also mentioned that he sometimes does and says things that don't make any sense.  Do you think the things he does makes sense to him?

Hang in there... .thanks for being open... .I an convinced we can get you on  a better path.   

[enlighten me]

Personally I cant forgive them what they have done as that would in my opinion say that it is acceptable behaviour.

I can on the other hand accept that they have a condition that means they cannot help what they do.