School Access

[AlonelyOne]

My uS2BX has registered the kids in her new school district. I called the school for information and was informed the registration has not been processed because they need additional information. But found that it was like pulling teeth. And was repeatedly asked if I had a court order, otherwise she'd be limited to providing such details to the registering parent.

Currently, we are on a verbal agreement of 50/50 custodianship and joint legal custody. I expressed that I did not believe that was acceptable. And that I should receive all the same notifications (report cards, access to parent teacher conferences, etc).  She did note that I was listed on the registration as the emergency contact, so they could send copies of the report card.

I was told to call back in a few days and the registration should hopefully be processed.  But if I do, and they refuse access. Than what recourse do I have?

[AlonelyOne]

Also, should I simply register my kids in my local school district. My son was, however, my eldest was home schooled and has not been.

What happens when BOTH parents register the kids in their respective school districts?

[NorthernGirl]

Hi AlonelyOne. I would suggest you talk with a lawyer (and maybe post your question on the Legal board?)

When my DH and his ex (UBPD) divorced, it was written into the divorce agreement that both parents would be involved in major decisions such as the school the kids would go to, medical decisions, etc. Unfortunately, many times DH's ex chose not to follow that and would make a decision that DH would find out about after the fact. When DH reminded her about the agreement, she said she no longer liked it so she wasn't going to follow it anymore. 

DH had to go through a lawyer and fight for months to get SS19 (with special needs) back in school. His ex pulled him out because she said school was too hard for him, and then hired a young adult to sit with him a few hours a day so she could say he was being home schooled. Finally when it became clear DH would take her to court, she agreed to have an assessment done and the decision was clear that SS needed to be back in school. So she sent him to live with us.

DH was not keen on doing battle with his ex but in hindsight he is so glad he did. He has seen his son flourish in school, go on to take others classes, get a job, etc. We know those things would have been unlikely if DH would have let his ex have her way.

Given that, I'd check into it with a lawyer to see what you can have written up so that you clearly have some say in the decision making. In the meantime, I'd register the kids in your school district regardless. It can't hurt.

And on a side note -- I learned through this site and reading Understanding the Borderline Mother book that some BPD mothers (hermits in the book) home school their children out of fear. Most of the homeschooling was not only a waste for SS19 (there was absolutely nothing done related to his special needs) but it was damaging. He had little social interaction, had developed severe anxieties and was convinced (by his mom) that he was not smart enough to be in school. We had to have SS19 go to a child psychologist for 6 months to give the OK for him to go back to school. Once he got back in school he said "I wish I'd stayed in school!" He loved school.

Your situation may be different, but in our case homeschooling that was managed by his UBPD mom was not a good thing.

[david]

I would talk to an atty first.

We have a xcustody order and we have shared legal custody. XBPDw tried restricting me several times. I simply went to the school with the court order and resolved things right away. They put a copy in their files. Schools follow court orders. Without a court order I would think they are required to inform both parents but you need to talk to an atty to be sure.

[AlonelyOne]

We haven't even gotten to the filing of paperwork, let alone court order.  Just a few mediation sessions that I feel show it unlikely we can resolve such. We'll see.

[david]

Then have it written up at the next mediation session that both parents are allowed access to all school functions, information, etc. Have both parents sign it along with the mediator. If the school doesn't go along with it the courts will.

My ex left in 2007. She enrolled our yougest into kindergarten. I didn't think he was ready and tried to get him in a pre k program. The courts sided with xBPDw. We wwere still married at the time. Son repeated kindergarten because he was not ready. Ex insisted he had a learning disability. The school reluctantly tested him. Results wereinconclusive but they still gave him an IEP.His first grade teacher questioned the IEP but I didn't have enough people at the school listening to me. In second grade, ex started to show her true colors and a few started listening to me. I was always there at the school. The head of the special needs team was the first to listen. She saw what I saw. Eventually more got on board. I insisted he be retested in second grade. He was put in an acceleratedprogram in third grade and did very well. Ex didn't agree but his grades proved everything I was saying. The school now listens to me and contacts me before they contact ex. We formulate a plan and they contact ex with "there"plan. Ithas worked well the last two years. Ex has no idea what is going on.

[Matt]

Good thoughts from everyone... .

One issue is, which school is best for the kids, and most practical for the parents?  Most schools have standard test scores (most often 4th, 7th and 10th grade, at least in my state) posted online, or you can get them from the principal.  You can also meet with the principal, school counselor, etc., and learn all about the school.  That's also a good opportunity to establish working relationships with them.

Decide for yourself which school will work best for your kids, and be prepared to explain why.  Print out test information and whatever else is relevant, and explain your reasoning to your lawyer.  Register the kids in the school you think is best, and inform the other parent what you have done and why.

If you decide that the school she chose really is the best choice, then meet with the principal, and talk openly with her about the situation.  Make it clear that you expect to get all the information that any parent gets, and give her the opportunity to commit to you that you will get it.

If she doesn't, find a pleasant, professional and clear way to say that you are aware of your legal rights, and if you don't receive all the information that every other parent gets, you will have your attorney contact the school district's attorney to fix it.  The principal won't want that to happen - if it does, she'll look bad - so she will probably commit to get you all the right information, and you can accept that commitment graciously.

Divorced dads often hear, "Well we sent that to the kids' mom.  She should have given you a copy."  Don't accept that.  Be prepared to answer firmly, "You are obligated to give me all the information you give to every other parent, and that's what I expect."

I don't know why schools and others (like doctors) do this so often - assume that Mom is Mom and Dad is nothing - but they do.  But if you stand up to them, they will back down - they have to.  The trick is to do it and still maintain a good working relationship with everybody at the school - that will pay off in the future.

Finally, it may be good to review the file - what information was put into the registration - and make sure it's all accurate.  I have found a few "mistakes" over the years that were easily fixed.