Her birthday tomorrow and an update on how my stuff is going.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Validation, formflier , I think you'd get further ahead by validating her, while owning up to your own emotions.

I wanted to connect with my partner, not push him away.  I was afraid to give him any of my inside goodies though, in fear that he would use them against me.  I had him on enemy lines straight out of the gate, when confronting some of the weirdness.

Yep... this is right on point.  And we have to acknowledge that they are in fact the enemy... .or possibly that BPD is the enemy.  Here comes the military guy in me... .if you don't understand the enemy... and you don't understand the COG Center of Gravity of that enemy... .chances of winning, a draw... .or successful surrender or withdrawal are remote. 

Now... next issue is a tactical one... how do you fight the enemy.  In this example... validation is the tactic.

Think enemy is too strong a word... .?  I don't... .left to their own devices they will split the marriage and ruin the kids.  Enemy is right on point... .at least for me.

And the reason we don't give the inside goodies is after time after time of them ACTUALLY using them against us... .we get shy about it.  It's a constant battle.

Your wife might be attracted to your strength, being a military guy (Thank you for your service ), and thinks that brenda big britches is too!  She might be afraid she's going to lose you to that hussy .

If that is the case, does it change how you feel about her accusation?

It does make it a bit more palatable... .and I have tried to think along those lines before.  However... .incredibly frustrating. 

Taking things personally, is our own stuff to deal with.  I take things way too personally.  It's not anybody else's problem but my own.  I don't expect my partner to understand that when he's dysregulated especially.  I have to own it, it's all mine.

Good point... .and out of the 4 agreements... .that is the area that I need work.

Can you describe how you work on that?

And... you are welcome for the service!      I had a great time... .really enjoyed influencing and training the next generation.  America is in good hands!   

[formflier]

Validation, formflier , I think you'd get further ahead by validating her, while owning up to your own emotions.

I wanted to connect with my partner, not push him away.  I was afraid to give him any of my inside goodies though, in fear that he would use them against me.  I had him on enemy lines straight out of the gate, when confronting some of the weirdness.

Yep... this is right on point.  And we have to acknowledge that they are in fact the enemy... .or possibly that BPD is the enemy.  Here comes the military guy in me... .if you don't understand the enemy... and you don't understand the COG Center of Gravity of that enemy... .chances of winning, a draw... .or successful surrender or withdrawal are remote. 

Now... next issue is a tactical one... how do you fight the enemy.  In this example... validation is the tactic.

Think enemy is too strong a word... .?  I don't... .left to their own devices they will split the marriage and ruin the kids.  Enemy is right on point... .at least for me.

And the reason we don't give the inside goodies is after time after time of them ACTUALLY using them against us... .we get shy about it.  It's a constant battle.

Your wife might be attracted to your strength, being a military guy (Thank you for your service ), and thinks that brenda big britches is too!  She might be afraid she's going to lose you to that hussy .

If that is the case, does it change how you feel about her accusation?

It does make it a bit more palatable... .and I have tried to think along those lines before.  However... .incredibly frustrating. 

Taking things personally, is our own stuff to deal with.  I take things way too personally.  It's not anybody else's problem but my own.  I don't expect my partner to understand that when he's dysregulated especially.  I have to own it, it's all mine.

Good point... .and out of the 4 agreements... .that is the area that I need work.

Can you describe how you work on that?

And... you are welcome for the service!      I had a great time... .really enjoyed influencing and training the next generation.  America is in good hands!   

[Grey Kitty]

Taking things personally, is our own stuff to deal with.  I take things way too personally.  It's not anybody else's problem but my own.  I don't expect my partner to understand that when he's dysregulated especially.  I have to own it, it's all mine.

Good point... .and out of the 4 agreements... .that is the area that I need work.

Can you describe how you work on that?

My way of not taking something like that personally is to realize that it really isn't about ME. I wasn't really in a r/s with brenda big britches. I know that.

The real "problem" isn't even the false accusation, although that is definitely A problem.

It is more the emotional rabbit-hole my wife would go down chasing after that.

The question I keep asking myself when I think of what I might say in a situation like this is "What good will possibly come of this?" And if what I'm thinking of saying is invalidating, the answer is "Nothing good will come of saying this." So I learn NOT to say those things.

That's where validation comes in. Validation which shows that I understand my wife's feelings and care about them does help.

FF, can you list several feelings your wife has (or might have) when she mentions this issue/accuses you of a r/s with brenda big britches?

[123Phoebe]

Taking things personally, is our own stuff to deal with.  I take things way too personally.  It's not anybody else's problem but my own.  I don't expect my partner to understand that when he's dysregulated especially.  I have to own it, it's all mine.

Can you describe how you work on that?

I recognize when my mind starts spinning, or wants to, and that I have total control over it.  The best thing I can do is stop it and focus on what is actually in front of me.  As Grey Kitty said, it really isn't about me, so why would I want to make it about me?  Would that be taking on someone else's stuff?  :)on't want to do that, it's hard enough stopping my own mind from racing  I've even told him that I'm kind of freaking out about something (he said/did) and don't understand, but want to.  It was honest and heartfelt.  He hasn't used it against me, yet...  And if he does?  I know I can handle it.  Own what is yours  

I've also stepped away from 'enemy thinking'.  I trust myself to not sleep with the enemy.  He's a really good guy  , he just has an odd way of dealing with things at times.  Hey, so do I, so... . I try to keep it respectful and not too domineering.  Ooo, sometimes though... . it can be really hard; that's when it's good for me to exit the scene before it gets ugly   Before I say something I can't take back.  Words can be pretty powerful.  

And... you are welcome for the service!    I had a great time... .really enjoyed influencing and training the next generation.  America is in good hands!  

I am so glad to hear this, Sir  I truly appreciate all of your efforts!

[formflier]

FF, can you list several feelings your wife has (or might have) when she mentions this issue/accuses you of a r/s with brenda big britches?

Grey Kitty... .once again... right on point.

I've never thought of it ... .the way you asked it... .let's see.

Scared and jealous.

However she also seems worried about being "tricked"...   Honestly... she can be a bit naive sometimes... .and realizes that if I want to run around behind her back... I could.

I was a Navy guy... .lots of traveling... .lots of opportunity.  Oddly enough she didn't accuse me of long distance stuff... .just "local".  I guess out of sight was out of mind for her.

She tends to not think of her looks very highly.  she would probably rate herself a 4 or 5 (out of 10)... .I'd put it 8 or so.  She's hot.

When you think about a 42 year old woman that has had 8 kids... .and is still nicely put together... .then she's about a 15 out of 10.  In all seriousness... .I look around at what other guys have... .and just grin to myself at the luck I have.  OK... .so there's the BPD trait part that takes some adjusting to... .   

Anyway... .she worries a lot about satisfying me... .and if my eye is wandering because of her looks.  Completely ridiculous... but that is the way she feels.

[formflier]

   Words can be pretty powerful.  

Yes they are!

[Grey Kitty]

OK... .if you think she is feeling scared or jealous... .what can you do to validate those feelings?

"You look scared." is one possibility (if it is true)

If she actually speaks of some of these feelings, that makes it easier to validate. Guessing what she is feeling and then validating it may be tricky--if you guess wrong, it won't be very helpful!

Some sincere curiosity about what she is feeling can go a long way too. Once again if you realize that it is NOT about you, but about what she's feeling... .you can be interested in what those feelings are and care about how she is feeling. THAT is validating.

Do you have some other ideas for validating her feelings about these sort of fears?

Note: She feels she isn't attractive, or isn't attractive to you. This seems to fit way to many women in this country... .and it is a minefield for you. If you tell her she is wrong, she is attractive... .this is invalidating. If you agree with her... .well, you know how dangerous that one is!  What that leaves is validating how she feels. This topic is from Validation 200; try something more basic first if you can!

[formflier]

OK... .if you think she is feeling scared or jealous... .what can you do to validate those feelings?

"You look scared." is one possibility (if it is true)

If she actually speaks of some of these feelings, that makes it easier to validate. Guessing what she is feeling and then validating it may be tricky--if you guess wrong, it won't be very helpful!

My efforts at SET... and validation have felt clumsy... .but have gotten better.  Luckily not much need to practice lately with my current situation. 

Also... unfortunately... she isn't that opening... or when wound up will retort that I should know her feelings.

My plan is that as we rekindle the r/s... .I make a normal habit of asking about her feelings... .identifying them.

That way it's not so odd when she is upset... .that I ask.

Some sincere curiosity about what she is feeling can go a long way too. Once again if you realize that it is NOT about you, but about what she's feeling... .you can be interested in what those feelings are and care about how she is feeling. THAT is validating.

I probably need to practice this more when she is not around.  I am sincere... .but using SET... .or talking like this still feels a bit clumsy or awkward.  I'm sure it will get better with time.

Do you have some other ideas for validating her feelings about these sort of fears?

I'm not the most verbal... emotional guy.  Kinda like above... .asking her about her feelings.  I plan to try to tell her more how I appreciate her... etc etc.  Not just a "love you by by" when I leave.  I want to try to mix it up... .so it doesn't get stale or old.

Note: She feels she isn't attractive, or isn't attractive to you. This seems to fit way to many women in this country... .and it is a minefield for you. If you tell her she is wrong, she is attractive... .this is invalidating. If you agree with her... .well, you know how dangerous that one is!  What that leaves is validating how she feels. This topic is from Validation 200; try something more basic first if you can!

Been burned and has my a$$ chewed off many times on this topic.  I'm sure it will happen again.   

[Grey Kitty]

My efforts at SET... and validation have felt clumsy... .but have gotten better.  Luckily not much need to practice lately with my current situation. 

Also... unfortunately... she isn't that opening... or when wound up will retort that I should know her feelings.

My plan is that as we rekindle the r/s... .I make a normal habit of asking about her feelings... .identifying them.

That way it's not so odd when she is upset... .that I ask.

Feeling clumsy at first in something like this is normal. You will start to get better as you practice.

However, I think you are looking for the wrong time/place for validation.

When the crap starts to fly, you need to practice boundaries, or take a time out, and from the sounds of it, you have been fortunate to not need those much recently. 

Validation works best as something done frequently, and when there isn't a problem--either at the first hint of things turning south, or when things are good. Opportunities for validation show up all over, and aren't restricted to contentious issues.

Validation is also something you can practice with anybody and everybody. Your children. People you work with. Somebody you talk to in a waiting room. In your postings in this forum. It really does make lots of life go better if you remember to do it.